Let Me Know, Okay?
by wordsaremyescape
Summary: {Spoilers} This really wasn't his thing. Helping people. Being a doctor and being a friend were two completely different things. But the words were already out. There was no taking them back now. And really, she wasn't like them. She wasn't like any of them. Lost and confused as ever? Definitely. But...different. Really different. But you know, whatever. {Updated}
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, hello! As much as I'm loving the fact that Shonda has suddenly remembered their beautiful friendship, the two minutes of Alex and April we've gotten over the last couple of weeks just doesn't feel like enough. Thus, I've been inspired to...expand. A lot. Please bear in mind that as strong as my Alex muse is, I don't get a lot of time to experiment with his character in this way.**

 **Disclaimer: That said, I don't own any of these wonderful characters. All rights belong to Shonda Rhimes. I'm only using them for the sake of entertainment.**

* * *

The damn thing was starting to burn a hole in his pocket. Well really, it was burning a hole in his sock drawer but whatever. Same idea. Jo was always conveniently meeting him at every corner, making his attempts to avoid her that much harder. And it was hardly ever about work anymore. Lately all his girlfriend had to offer spat on his relationship with Meredith, all of which seemed to come to light after Derek died. Or maybe it started a slow simmer after they'd lost Yang. Somewhere in the paperwork that granted him Cristina's share of the hospital, there was also a paragraph or two that dictated custody to their friend. He had somehow become her person. Not that he even wanted the role in the first place. He didn't deny that she was the closest thing to a sister he had (his relationship with Amber quite literally nonexistent) but that wasn't his thing.

Alex's life was a constant balancing act. Making sure his mom took her meds, keeping his brother and sister in school. And somewhere in there he had to make sure his own grades didn't end up in the toilet. Juggling it all had become as easy as breathing. He and Yang had never been close. In fact, they spent most of the last twelve years trying not to kill each other. But they'd found something that worked for them. Almost all of it was mockery but whatever. If there was one thing they had in common, it was knowing that they had to make sure Meredith got back on her feet.

In the coming months he watched his girlfriend get kicked out of bed more often than she was actually in it. Alex would roll over bleary-eyed and scowling, only to have his ear talked off about the most useless crap. He was sure it was actually meaningful some of the time but he wasn't exactly in a state of mind to care. As many times as he'd seen Meredith and Cristina ramble on at 3 in the morning, feeling the bed sag as she curled in beside him just pissed him off. But he'd made some kind of promise to her. Whether he liked it or not, he was her new person. Alex had no idea how true that was until weeks before when his friend laid lifeless on a gurney, a swarm of doctors surrounding her.

Recalling the nightmare still put a knot in his chest, dust collecting quietly at the corners of his eyes. With a sigh he continued working through the chart in front of him. Jo had yet to give him anything that resembled an answer. The way he went about it wasn't exactly what one would call romantic but they both lived out of their cars for years. They weren't exactly looking for anything fancy. He was fed up with the two spinning circles around each other. Didn't Wilson get that he was in her corner? He was her boyfriend for godsake. Why the hell wouldn't he be? So he'd gone ahead and done it. Alex showed her just how much she really meant to him, how important she was, only to have it thrown back in his face. Whatever. Mer had almost died and he was supposed to apologize for stepping up to take care of her. The notion almost made him laugh. Taking care of people was his _job_. Inside or outside the hospital it didn't matter. Grey needed him to be there and so he'd been there. This thing with Wilson was just one big stupid waiting game.

"Keep it in the drawer," she mumbled. Alex looked up from his paperwork, his brow raised.

"Huh?"

"I don't want it, but I, uh, I don't want it gone." Oh. Like that made any real sense. If she didn't want it, she didn't want it. What the hell was he supposed to do with it in the meantime? "So the drawer is good. Just, um, keep it in the drawer." Before Alex could give her anything that resembled an answer, she was already walking away.

"Here. My half of the phone bill." Letting his attention shift, the attending rolled his eyes. Neither of them had been quiet about their separation. As reliable as the mill was at Grey-Sloan, Kepner kept countless arguments going in hospital hallways. As irritating as she was to hear sometimes, Karev could hardly blame her. For someone who put so much stock in God and soulmates it was a wonder she and Avery worked at all. No, the mailman hadn't served them to her but for someone like April he guessed it was just as bad.

"Oh, no. I told you."

"And I appreciate that. But I don't want to leave anything, um, undone. Okay?" It was hard to believe that things were really coming apart for the couple. Jackson had made his love for the redhead more than a little bit public. As rarely as it actually happened, in the midst of her wedding to the paramedic, whose name he couldn't even remember, the guy objected with a long speech about undying love. Now here they were, divorced, going Dutch on a stupid phone bill. He had to think the word was and always would be a foreign concept for the trauma surgeon.

"Okay." Alex couldn't keep from feeling at least a little bit bad for her. She'd gone against everything she believed in to give Avery what he wanted. Gone around in circles about it forever but eventually April gave in. And as much as he knew it broke her, she was still so...calm about the whole thing. There was no denying she sometimes looked like a kicked puppy but that was April. She didn't exactly hide her disappointment very well. In this case, had to admit, it wasn't the worst thing ever. Maybe eventually he would realize just how much he'd taken from her. That wasn't to say that Jackson didn't lose something too. They were mourning the loss of a baby. But one of them was doing a really good job of ignoring the "worse' part of their promises to each other. It reminded Alex of someone else he knew. Or at least he thought he did.

Watching Avery walk away, Alex shook his head. Approaching her at the nurse's desk he shuffled nervously. He wasn't exactly pulling her hair anymore but they weren't bffs either. She must have been aware of somebody's presence because he wasn't about to open the lines of communication after what he'd just witnessed.

"What?" Alex stood silent for a minute, trying to find the right words. He couldn't even remember the last time they had even talked about anything surgical, let alone personal. Years ago he wouldn't have cared. Years ago Kepner could just go about her stupid business because it sure as hell was none of his. But six years of working together, put in more than a couple of life or death situations kind of brings people together or something. He wasn't about to admit that working with kids made him soft or anything but they sure as hell made him less of an ass.

"You need anything?"

"What do you mean?" He couldn't help but carefully look her up and down, hopefully in a way she didn't exactly notice. She might think he was checking her out or something. Or at the very least staring at her boobs. At one time he had, but that was true of every chick back then. He was...something now with Wilson. He couldn't afford to let himself wander.

"It's just...let me know if you need anything. Let me know, okay?" Seeing as this was the first non-professional conversation they'd had in what felt like years, the comment must have sounded weird as hell coming out of his mouth.

If she wasn't still trying to make sense of the exchange with Jackson only moments before, April would be at least a little bit surprised. Given the circumstances, she was just left confused. When was the last time Alex Karev offered her anything that resembled help? If anything she was expecting something crude or sarcastic to be sent her way. Not that he was a bad guy. He worked with small children after all. The attitude she expected was reserved for his co-workers and if she'd learned anything about him over the years it was that he didn't spare anyone, especially her.

Before she could even process his kindness, her hand absently wandered to her flat stomach, as if to hide the evidence and deny that she had in fact been caught. Maybe this had nothing to do with the baby. Maybe this was just Alex doing his part to help in the divorce. April grimaced. The word tasted so bitter in her mouth. Meeting his gaze, the softness of his eyes surprised her. She'd only ever seen him look like that around... _No_. There was no way he...But she did tell Arizona. No matter if she'd stumbled into it or not, the perky blonde was still the only one who knew. At least she hoped so.

"Did um...Did Arizona tell you—" It would make sense. They were both in pediatrics. If somehow she let that little tidbit of information slip... Alex blinked. No, she hadn't, though he wouldn't put it past her if she let it fall out eventually. As different as she and Kepner were, they both did a hell of a lot of talking. More than he liked sometimes.

"I work in Peds. I figured it out." _Oh_ she thought. Going over his reply in her head, she almost chuckled. Pediatrics had nothing to do with having some kind of pregnant woman radar. Still, the excuse was sweet. "You're like all happy all the time, kinda sweaty. How far along are you?" If she wasn't already so touched April would be able to find her laugh. Instead she just listened, taking him in. Who knew how long it would be before this side of him surfaced again.

"Nine weeks," she provided, allowing herself the hint of a smile.

"He doesn't know?" April bit her lip, unsure of exactly _how_ to tell the father of her baby something like this. If she went to him now, it would come off as convenient, some kind of excuse she cropped up to force them to work on their marriage. In the last year, they had both been through more than enough. She wasn't above admitting that a lot of it she had forced on him. At the same time, he had to understand that in order to grieve, she couldn't be here. She couldn't walk the halls of the hospital where they had held their son, with them for barely an hour before he died. In her arms no less. April had to make herself useful. She had to find distraction in something productive. After all that Jackson did for her, at the very least she owed him this. A proper explanation. If she approached him now it would be thrown together and jumbled in a mess of nerves and emotion. She just had to find the right words...

"Not yet." But she would. April would tell him. Just not right now. She needed time. They both did.

"I think you should tell him before he figures it out too." The doctor stayed silent as her friend retreated. Alex was right. To some extent, he always was. Brutal honesty brought that out of him more than it did anyone else she knew. But he didn't understand how delicate a situation like this was. If she told Jackson now, there was a good chance they would just end up fighting again. She loved her husband but he had a way of taking control of situations that left very little room for opinion. As well as she understood that, she wasn't ready to have the conversation just yet. When the time was right, she would. She would.

* * *

"I don't want to see you guys get hurt again." April was doing her best to keep from letting out an exasperated groan. She'd already been doing this with Arizona all day. It would only be a matter of time before Alex was chasing her down with swabs and viles too. She didn't need to be tested. Not this time. This felt different than when she was pregnant with Samuel. It had to be. The tests were just a waste of time.

"Neither do I," she exploded. "I'm not telling him because we have been through enough, especially him." _Exactly my freaking point_ Alex thought. Their divorce had already become a very public disaster. He didn't need to hear it from any stupid interns. News like this was guaranteed to explode into hospital wildfire. Didn't she get that? If they were all biting words and two minute conversations now, this would throw them right back into that eerie silence they had going for weeks. "Because he never got over the last one. He never had the chance to, and I am hanging on to every last shred of faith I have that this time it'll be okay. But he doesn't have that. So, it'll just be better if he doesn't know yet." The surgeon rolled his eyes. And this was better how exactly?

"It won't. You're making it worse," he said softly. Before he could say much else, April was already turning her back, likely more frustrated than when he cornered her. _So much for this caring crap_ he thought. He didn't know what the hell else he was supposed to do. If Kepner kept her mouth shut for much longer, once Avery found out, work would keep with its little soap opera that everyone and their mother had to know about. If it had been Jo...If she hid this kind of thing from him he would be...pissed. So pissed. How pissed? Well, he wasn't quite sure how the hospital felt about busted walls and shattered closet supplies. Luckily, he didn't have to resort to that yet. But when it became about a man's kids...Well that was a completely different kind of anger.

* * *

"Um, have you seen Dr. Avery?" As infuriating as it was to be hounded, it was only fair. She just had no idea how she was going to broach the topic yet. How angry would he be? Would he be supportive at all? Would he think she was trapping him in a marriage he no longer wanted to be in? All three options seemed equally plausible. She hadn't exactly shut up about the seriousness of the vows they'd made in Tahoe. April was really only getting him to understand that she believed in them enough to keep fighting. Both made a promise to God to make the most beautiful life together. She had made a promise to stay and work through even the ugliest of circumstances.

"Upstairs in the lab." Offering the woman a polite 'thank you', April carefully made her way up. With each step she could feel her heart in her throat. The last time she had even brushed the subject of Samuel, the room was charged with enough energy to charge a cell phone. Jackson had done enough yelling for the both of them, April unable to find the words that would deem her side of the story worth listening to. It certainly didn't help that she found herself saying a lot of the same thing over and over again but even so, she stood by her argument.

"Jackson, can we—" The minute she let the door swing open, the woman froze. Along with her husband (she still couldn't find it in her to change the term) stood Dr. Robbins, surrounded in viles and... "Oh..." she mumbled. If she had anything resembling an explanation it was gone now, shock in its place.

"Why is _she_ telling me this?" _Because I was trying to protect you_ she thought. Instead, she shuffled into the room, softly clearing her throat, now dryer than ever. "I…I didn't want to hurt you. I…I was trying to find a way to…So it wouldn't hurt…" Before the words were out of her mouth she knew how laughable they were. Hiding it would only make it worse, just as Alex had said it would. And even though it was hard to pull out from behind all of his stoic anger, she could see it, if only for a split second.

"And when the hell was that gonna be? When you start showing and everyone in the damn hospital knows?" The surgeon swallowed hard, shaking her head slowly. For a woman usually so flustered and wordy, Kepner had nothing.

"Jackson…You have to understand I…." she whispered daring to close the distance between them. She knew better than to touch him. Touching would set him off when he was like this and she wasn't about to make a scene in front of her friend. "I was going to…I swear I was…I just had to figure out how I—" The man let out a not so subtle growl, cut short as he adopted a hardened expression, save for his eyes, a darker shade of green only recently made familiar to her. These eyes were reserved for masking a bubbling rage.

"How you what? How you were going to tell me?" he muttered. On the other side of the counter, the peds surgeon ran her teeth along her bottom lip nervously. Maybe this hadn't been the best idea. As important as it was to run these samples, looking onto her two friends was at least five different kinds of awkward.

"I'm going to…leave you to…" The redhead spun, the sound of her friend's voice startling her. She'd come up here looking for Jackson. She'd completely forgotten about…Suddenly she flushed, a quiet anger building up inside of her.

"Robbins, wait," April called. The blonde stiffened. Very rarely were the two so formal. The tone that helped to shape her words told her just how much trouble she was potentially in for going behind the trauma surgeon's back. Arizona carefully turned, too preoccupied with what she had done to worry about the fact that her prosthetic collided painfully with her other leg.

"Yes April?"

"Why _is_ he hearing this from you?" Upon hearing those words, all of the perk quickly drained right out of her, the seriousness of the situation giving her an even expression.

"Maybe because I deserved to know?" Jackson offered stiffly. April scoffed.

"Kind of like I _deserved_ to know that you don't care enough about your vows to _stick to them_?" she shrieked. She watched the doctor's lip furl, standing expectantly, her arms folded over her chest.

"This has nothing to do with our vows, April! If I'm not mistaken, you were the first to break them!" She let her eyes go wide, every nerve in her body fighting the natural urge to stretch out and slap him.

"Me? _I_ broke our vows? You've got to be kidding me," she laughed, every trill free of humour. "When the hell did that happen?"

"Guys, I really shouldn't—"

"Sit!" April snapped, the demand coming out with more authority than she intended. Quickly turning to face her, she let her head sway back and forth in dismay. "You know, I would expect a stunt like this from Alex. But you...God, Arizona...You...Behind my back? Did you really think so little of me that you had to—"

"Hold on. Karev knows about this? You told Karev about my baby?" April blanched, her cheeks once again flushed with irritation.

"Yes," she said flatly. "But you know, funny thing...I never had to say a word. He found out on his own. Don't ask me how but he...He asked me if I...If I needed anything. At first I had no idea why. Alex doesn't exactly donate his time so willingly. Not unless it involves kids or..." She stopped then, the last of her words caught in her throat. "He spreads himself paper thin for family. We saw it with Meredith not too long ago," she mumbled. "Now...We all know there's only one of those...But the fact that he offered...The fact that he noticed...It's more than I've gotten from you since coming back. Which, if you really think about it is kind of messed up, right? You're my husband...You're..."

"Ex-husband," he corrected. April nodded, trying hard to ignore the incremental sinking of her heart. How could he be so comfortable with the word already?

"You...Jackson you used to be the only one in this hospital who saw me..." she muttered quietly. "Now...Now I'm just...You look right past me..."

"I'm not the one who left," he pointed out. "I stayed. I _waited_ for you. For a whole year, April. In the time you were gone, Shepherd died, Grey had a baby and...A whole damn, year...And I let you. I supported you because I knew that's what you needed. Your feet barely touch the ground and you're talking about going off _again_. Leaving me...Leaving us...again. I can't put my life on hold for you, April. Not anymore. I've been strong long enough for the both of us. The only reason you came back to a nursery that didn't destroy you is because I took it down. By myself. Just like you went off to...Who knows where. By yourself. You needed your space. You needed your time. And I gave that to you. No matter how much I needed you. I need my time, April."

"How much time?" she whispered. Jackson sighed, hands shoved in his lab coat pockets.

"I don't know..."

"You could have said something...Instead you give me a bunch of papers and..."

"I already told you. We can't come from this..." As sure as she was that he would be saying those words, something in his words turned her knees to water. Whether it was the finality in them, or the hollowness, she wasn't sure. Nor did she care. They had succeeded in bringing her to her knees. This time though, the position left her with no desire to beg. She'd already done her share, exhausted all of her options. She had to blink back tears when the arms that encircled her were not as familiar as she'd hoped. These were friendly and warm but nowhere near the ones she wanted.

"You're okay," Arizona murmured. "I've got you. You need to breathe..." How many times would she have to say it before people understood? None of this was okay. None of it was ever going to be okay again. They might heal and move forward but a break like this one was irreparable. And even if by some miracle they had enough to stitch themselves back together, she knew it would never really be the same.

"In front of God..." she whispered refusing to look at any part of him.

"God has nothing to do with this!"

"He has _everything_ to do with this. He gave us Samuel..."

"For how long? An hour? And then he died. He died in your arms. Don't you find it cruel? Disgusting? For a guy who's supposed to be all about blessings 'reasons', He still hasn't given me a single one. You can believe in all of that, April but don't expect me to. I'm a man of science. I like answers. Don't you want those? Answers? Don't you want to know _why_?"

"I don't have to know why..." she whispered. "It's all part of something so much...bigger. I know you don't see it this way but...But I do. I have to believe his short life had some kind of purpose..."

"Well, when you find out what that is, it'd be cool if you let me in on this secret of yours."

"Jackson, that's not how it works..."

"Maybe not. But I know how this works," he mumbled drawing their attention back to the lab counter. April slowly shook her head

"I don't want the test," she said, her tone coming off with more strength than she felt she had. "I already told them I don't...I don't want the test. This...This baby. It feels...different. This is different. He's not sick."

"You don't know that," Arizona whispered. "But the test...The test will—"

"I don't want the test!" she cried. How many times would she have to say it before it got through their ridiculously thick heads? Taking it would just increase the paranoia...the fear. Taking this test would just make everything far too real.

"That's my baby, April. When I say I want you to get this done, you're going to get it done."

"No. This is _my_ baby. Mine. You may have contributed to making it but the way your acting? Shoving me in a corner and spitting in my face to get your way? That's not the voice of a father. That's the voice of a man who wants control of a situation he gave up long before papers were drawn. Papers I never wanted to sign. To end a marriage I put every ounce of my energy into saving. And you just...You throw it all away. Just like you wanted to throw away our son."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Jackson Avery wants perfect. He wants flawless. He wants so badly for his children to be normal, the fact that it might as well be murder...The fact that it _is_ murder doesn't mean a damn thing."

"I told you to go get an—"

"That's right. You _told_ me. You didn't _ask_. You made up my mind for me. You wanted the last word. Just like you always do. "Even when you _know_ I don't believe in any of it. I'm not going to end the life of my child simply because he is different. Do you have any idea how cruel _that_ is?"

"He was going to die no matter what we did...You're a doctor. You know that. I'm sorry I tried to spare us...spare you the damn heartbreak." As the memories of Samuel's birth came flooding in, she found herself gripping her friend's arms harder than ever, if only to focus on the pressure rather than the urge she felt to vomit all over this floor.

"Stop talking. Please just stop talking...I can't...I can't do this right now..."

"You can't do what? Talk this out with me. Isn't this what you've wanted since the beginning? Well, now we have no choice. All we've got time for now is talk. So let's do that. Talk." Fire swarmed her pale face, the tie in her hair suddenly gone. In an effort to hide from the piercing ache, she allowed the red to shield her, protect her, just as she was trying desperately to protect the child inside of her.

"This isn't talking, Jackson. This is fighting. This is all we've been doing. And I just can't anymore. I'm done. I'm tired. I...I don't have time for this. I have to get back to work."

"Convenient. I'm pretty sure your shift ended about two hours ago. Please April, just take the damn test...I...I have to know," he said, his tone soft for the first time in what felt like years.

"Come on, sweetheart," Arizona whispered. Upon hearing those words, she suddenly found herself in an empty nursery, surrounded in all that could have been. Jackson had offered for the first time in his life to attend church with her, if for nothing more than to give her something to do. They hadn't gone but the thought and effort brought fresh tears to her eyes. "It'll be a few minutes. I promise..." Whether it was her specialty or Sofia, April couldn't help but be grateful, at least for the way she spoke to her. It was a far cry from the bows and arrows Jackson flung in her direction.

"I...I don't..."

"I know you don't. And normally I would let it stand but...as your doctor I highly recommend that you do." _As your doctor_ she thought. Arizona said it in a way that left the topic nonnegotiable and still managed to stay encouraging.

"When were you going to tell me?" he whispered.

"Not now, Avery," Robbins muttered sternly.

"No really, I'd love to know. Was I going to hear it from Karev?" He watched as his words washed over her like a sudden spell making every part of her go still. _No_ she thought. She would have...Eventually she would have..."Or when the gossip mill in this place started spinning like a dam and I'd have to find out from DeLuca and all his buddies that my wife is pregnant with my baby?"

"I'm not your wife. Not anymore. You made that pretty damn clear to everyone in this hospital."

"Well, no matter what we are that is still my baby in there. And I had a right to know! Before Robbins, before Karev…Before…anybody really. But the way this was shaping up I would have likely been last on your list," he said bitterly. "Alex…Honestly April."

"Alex is my friend…."

"Right. The one who pretty much raped you in the on call room," he growled. April wasn't quite sure when Arizona brought her to standing position. What she did know was that now she stood level with her ex-husband's perfectly sculpted face, no trace of apology across her own as she let her hand crack across his jaw. Despite the obvious flinch, she saw a smirk come across his face.

"Avery!" she snapped, her blue eyes dancing with anger.

"Talk about him like that again and I can assure you I won't be the only one to put you in the pit," April growled. Jackson was far too shocked at her reaction to form words. Instead he laughed.

"Since when do we defend the guy?"

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with Jackson Avery?" April wondered quietly.

"Come on, April. You know what I meant. You can't deny the fact that he used you for sex. You came to me crying right after it happened." Arizona on her part was quietly fuming. Angry or not, to hear Karev talked about like that set off all kinds of alarms.

"And I suppose you forgot the part where I said that _nothing_ happened? Did you forget about the part where I said it wasn't his fault? That I…"

"Don't tell me you seriously wanted to lose your virginity to that guy?"

"And what if I did? What then?"

"Well then I would have no choice but to call you a complete idiot. Alex doesn't know the first thing about respecting a woman in bed. Hell, a lot of the time he doesn't know how to respect anyone who walks through this hospital. Don't get me wrong. He's great with the kids. They make him human or something but…He wasn't the guy to take you to that place in your life." April snorted, her eyes rolling violently.

"And you were?"

"Well obviously…yeah."

"If I had known you really felt this way about the whole thing, I would have thought twice…maybe three times about even sharing that information with you. Alex Karev is a good man. He's a man who cares so much that _he's_ the one who encouraged me to come up here and tell you. Like you he thought you had a right to know. He just happened to do it with three times more class than you."

"Because I did…"

"Yes you did. I was just trying to find the right words...the right time. But we've already been over all of that. And other than your immensely inflated ego and your strong desire to be right _all the time_ what does it really solve?"

"It's my kid. It's my job to take responsibility."

"That may be true but your only goal right now is to stick me with needles and swabs so you know whether or not the baby is defective."

"April…"

"Don't tell me you're not thinking it," she mumbled. "Right now that's all you want. You don't give a damn about me, about our marriage. Your only concern is making sure the Avery bloodline is reliable and pure."

"What the hell does that mean?" he growled.

"It means we really don't _need_ to do this. It's a good idea. It'll prepare us. But it doesn't change the fact that no matter the outcome, nothing is happening to this baby."

"You really wanna go through that again?" he asked trying to hide his astonishment. "You want to put _me_ through that again? Once is enough, April. More than enough. It's a simple test. Five minutes and we're done. This way….This way we'll know. Were you seriously thinking you could go through your entire pregnancy in the dark?"

"No...I...I wasn't. This baby is fine. It's going to be just...just fine," she said shakily, finally allowing the fear to wash over her.

"Until it's not and we have to go through this same song and dance all over again," Jackson muttered.

"What 'song and dance'?" she asked impatiently.

"You going off to some warzone while I'm stuck here, trying to keep face for everyone in this place."

"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about! This has become all about you. You and your spotless self-image."

"Good god…You're not even listening. Goes in one ear and right out the other."

"Oh...Okay then. Please, enlighten me. Because right now all I'm hearing is you knowing what's right for _our_ child. Once again we're at a standstill because you can't be bothered with an opinion that isn't your own."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"You know _exactly_ what that means. But for the sake of humour, let's be hypothetical. Suppose the test does say it has OI. What then?" The plastic surgeon looked over in disbelief. Once again they were spinning endless circles. Not only were the topics of discussion so painfully similar but they were starting to recycle words too.

"Then we deal with it. Like before. But in order to do that we have to get you tested!"

"'Deal with it'. You'd just want it gone. Because God forbid there's anything imperfect about him."

"God has nothing to do with this!"

"Of course he does! God gave us this child."

"Science, April. It's science. Science and evolution. We all learned the same stuff to get to where we are in this hospital. God did not get you here. God didn't get any of us here. We worked our asses off for every promotion we ever got. That's blood, sweat and tears, not God."

"I'm not asking you to believe what I believe, Jackson. I never have."

"Really? Because that's exactly what this sounds like."

"All I have ever asked is that you let _me_ believe. But even in this moment, when I'm more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life, you can't give me that. You can't give me five minutes of peace. Just a few minutes to believe that this baby might be normal."

"So you're thinking it too. You're thinking that something is wrong."

"That's not what I said."

"April…" Arizona offered softly. The redhead's neck snapped up to meet her gaze, the sudden motion making her cringe. "This isn't about him, alright?" The doctor nodded slowly, tears once more collecting at the corners of her eyes.

"I just…Just one minute…That's all…"

"I know. But you're doing this for the baby, right? Again she nodded slowly. "We're all on the same side…"

"I…I have to go…" she said hoarsely. "I…I can't…I can't be in here…" She wasn't even sure when it happened but somehow she knew that her friend had already stuck her, the samples so neatly collected. Swallowing hard, she closed her eyes, begging the room to stop spinning long enough for her to leave the room and make it back down the stairs. _Alex_. At least in this moment, Alex made all the sense in the world."I...I can't do this. I just…I can't. I…I have to go. I have to go now." A sudden surge of energy took over then and even without knowing exactly where it had come from, she let it and her trembling legs take her. Anywhere. Anywhere but here.

* * *

Trembling hands reached along every room, though she didn't dare look for an open room. Knowing this hospital, any number of things could be inside of them. With her breath coming in heavy, her vision blurred, she felt one of them give way, the sudden slamming against the wall bringing her out of her thoughts for only a minute.

"Kepner, what the hell?" Alex hollered. The sound of his voice brought her to attention as a scalding heat crawled up her neck.

"I…I'm so sorry I…" she apologized, her voice shaking. This wasn't exactly out of the ordinary. April was a nervous wreck about everything. And he would have left it at that if she didn't look as white as the cot he sat on. Only then did he really hear it. The woman sounded so much more uncertain than normal. Before him wasn't the trauma soldier he'd come to appreciate more than he would ever really say out loud. The woman never wasted a single second when it came to the lives of the battered and broken they saw every day. The idea that the shoe might actually be on the other foot (even if it was just this one time) felt so unfamiliar to him. He'd seen it every day of his life. He just never thought to consider the idea that April might be just as breakable as the rest of them.

"Come here," he whispered. Expecting her to take a shaky seat beside him, he tried his best to hide the surprise when she all but collapsed into his lap. All four vibrating limbs fell haphazardly over him. He wondered for a moment if moving her over just enough so that she sat next to him would be the better option. If someone found them, he would have a lot less explaining to do. Before he could make up his mind, she spoke.

"They…They made me….They made me take it," she stammered. "He…He knows and….and….and I…I don't know what I'm supposed to do….I…This baby….It's…It's supposed to be just fine….There's….There's nothing wrong….There can't be….There can't be anything wrong," she sniffed.

"It's just a precaution, April." The woman shook her head hard. This wasn't a precaution. A precaution was submitting an application to four different jobs when you only really need one, just in case it falls through. A precaution was taking anti-nausea medication on a boat, just in case it rocked too hard and your stomach did summersaults. This wasn't a precaution. This would be confirmation. Confirmation of her worst fears if in fact they were true.

"N-no…After this…After this we'll know for sure. And Jackson he'll….He'll want me to get rid of it. And I…I can't do that. I won't. I…I won't…." she shivered. Noticing her tremor, he sighed, his hands immediately starting slight friction to keep her warm.

"Kepner, you need to relax," he said firmly. "Nothing's gonna happen to this kid. Nothing. No matter what any of the tests say." Despite his comforting words, she found a hand gravitating to her non-existent belly, prepared and at the ready to go to battle for the child inside of her. She shook her head. As reassuring as she knew those were supposed to be, they could also be painfully wrong. If in fact they tested positive… _everything_ would happen to this baby. Every bone in their tiny body would snap if they so much as dared to breathe. If they moved…Sitting completely still could break a tiny toe or a precious little finger.

"I can't relax, Alex. My baby is…It's…"

"…perfectly fine," he whispered. "We won't know until we know. Till then, this is like any other pregnancy. You can't just sit around and wait for things to go wrong. You gotta believe that maybe this time…Everything will go the way it's supposed to."

"Jackson…He….He doesn't believe…"

"So what? You've done enough believing in this stuff for everybody in this hospital. I know Avery's an ass. Everybody in here knows it. But you can't let the fact that he doesn't understand it stop you from holding onto something. It's never stopped you before. How this any different?"

"Because maybe he's…Maybe he's right," she whimpered. "Maybe there really is no such thing. If...If there was…My son would still be alive. If…If there was…Jackson would still be my husband. If…If…"

"Look, I don't know if I buy all this God stuff like you do. But you know what? If there really was nothing out there, Grey and Sloan would've never found me in that elevator. Every ounce of blood in me would be spread out across the floor and my heart would've stopped. If there really was absolutely nothing to hold onto, my old man would've killed me the first chance he got. Amber would've died that night…If it's really just us out here, then what the hell's the point?" If she wasn't already so consumed in fear, April would have turned to him in shock.

She and Alex never spoke this openly about anything. Alex Karev wasn't sparing of his life with _anyone_. For that reason alone she wondered if he was even aware of the words coming out of his mouth. For the sake of consistency, she decided to go with the idea that he wasn't hearing himself at all. On the other hand, she couldn't help but feel honoured and touched that he'd given her that. He hadn't disclosed any system of faith in all the years that she had known him. She supposed he still hadn't. But he willed himself to believe in _something_ , if nothing more than pure circumstance. And even if that wasn't entirely true, the fact that he encouraged her to keep her own faith was more than she could ever ask of anyone.

"Alex, what if there's something wrong? What if I hurt my baby?" she asked.

"We'll figure it out." Those words left her to wonder. When he said _anything_ was he really willing to hold her hand through this.

"We will?" she mumbled curiously. The peds surgeon nodded, absently winding the flames of her hair around his fingers. "I thought you said…I thought you said that you didn't want to hold my hand," she smiled, the memory from all those years ago finally something that could make her smile, though she wasn't sure exactly why.

"This isn't screwing," he mumbled. "This is about getting you through this pregnancy." After what he'd seen come apart for the couple over the last few months, he knew that it would have to be a little bit more than that. "This is about your stress level and keeping it as low as possible. Which means you gotta remember to breathe, alright?"

"I…I don't know…"

"Kepner, look at me," he mumbled sternly. Whether it was a small fear that his current demeanor was moments from running out or the amount of hope that swelled inside of her when he spoke the words, she met his gaze nervously. "We've got this, okay? Avery will either figure out or he won't. But right now, you can't worry about that. Your job is this baby."

"I….Okay."

"Good."

"Thank you, Alex." He just shrugged. April shook her head softly. "You're never going to see it, are you?"

"See what?"

"The good." Oh he saw plenty good. With every kid saved, knowing that he played his part, he saw it. Anywhere else though, he knew that good was fleeting at best. As quickly as it came, it often went. His long history of failed relationships of various kinds was solid proof of that.

"Whatever." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the hint of a smile cross his colleague's face. No, Alex Karev didn't know the first thing about 'good'. Where to find it or how to go about being it. But her…He saw her. And April was enough good to last anyone a dozen lifetimes.

"Alex…?"

"What?"

"What you said before. About needing anything…" she mumbled nervously. As good as she believed him to be, his current behaviour was temporary at best. "I…I just…I was wondering if…"

"If you're asking if I meant it, the answer's yes." April smiled broadly, her heart swelling at the idea that Alex Karev had really uttered such words to her. She couldn't help feeling like she'd been let in on a secret. A secret that only Meredith Grey and her children were ever allowed access to. Against her better judgment, pale knuckles brushed along his cheek, the act freezing him temporarily.

"I…I'm sorry…I just…I don't know." He smirked. Here they were, in much the same position that had failed them once before. And somehow…Somehow knowing that he wasn't going to be the one to rob her of anything sacred made every tense muscle in his body relax. Avery had already done that. The guy had lost all respect for the things he'd been given but in a lot of ways, he couldn't help but think that was inevitable. Easing her hand off his cheek, he smiled.

April felt her heart stop. She had never seen something so genuine come across his face before. At least nothing meant for children over the age of eleven. She was nothing but nerves as a careful finger traced the lining of his mouth, made worse as he breathed a warm gust of air between them. Before she lost the little courage she still had, April found herself inching toward his face, her lips gently brushing his. When she finally let herself become aware of them and how they felt, how they managed to wake up everything inside of her, she realized just how soft they were. For a man who knew nothing but anger and hostility, when he wanted to, when he tried, what he had to say would mean more than he knew for those who bothered to listen.

Even while everything inside of him was screaming to run in the opposite direction, Alex quickly found his arms tightening their hold around her slight waist. Screw the stupid box burning a hole in his sock drawer. Screw Avery for walking away from the only thing willing to put up with all of his arrogant crap. And Wilson. Screw Wilson for expecting him to just sit around and wait for a goddamn answer. As far as he knew, it was pretty much a 'no'. Instead, he was here, formulating a list of things he could be doing…to April of all people. Why was he here thinking up the most unthinkable things he could possibly do to April Kepner? The answer seemed simple enough. She was a free woman and he was fed up with being a chained man. Going over those labels in his head, he sighed. There had to be more to it than that. At least where she was concerned. April had more than enough people to run to in times of crisis. An entire hospital's worth of people. And she'd stupidly chosen him. _That's what you get for all this kindness crap_ he thought. But he'd learned early on that the woman didn't exactly fit any mold that he was familiar with. As weird as it was…as annoying as it was to admit, he couldn't help but admire her for that.

"Doesn't leave this room, got it?" he muttered. The last thing he needed was the entire hospital knowing he'd suddenly grown a heart.

"What doesn't?" she asked tracing lightly along his collarbone.

"This…Us and whatever the hell just happened."

"Right…" she nodded. Whatever had become of them…It was supposed to make her skin crawl. Not because Alex was scum of the earth because truly he wasn't. He just wanted the rest of the world to believe that about him. No. What should have made her skin crawl was the fact that she was pregnant with another man's child, fresh out of an unwanted divorce and already curled up with another man. But…the truth of it was, that she didn't. Because when she really thought about it, they hadn't done anything. A kiss could be shared between friends. She'd seen it a hundred times. No. What being with Alex made her feel…She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt it:

Heard. Alex Karev at least today, made her feel heard. She was made to feel as though what she wanted, what she needed actually mattered enough.

"Alex?"

"What?" he asked exasperated. Only slightly, her face fell. "What?" he repeated. The redhead sighed and shook her head.

"Nevermind. It's…It's not important."

"Just tell me," he muttered.

"I know it sounds kind of silly but…Do you think we could…I don't know…Stay like this a while? We don't have to…We don't have to do anything. I know I'm not…Well…I'm not like the others you've been with but…If we could just sit here like this….Just until our pagers go off or something. I…I'd like that…" she mumbled shyly.

"Yeah sure, whatever. We'll sit." Not like he had anywhere else he needed to be. Jo wasn't exactly looking for him. He was on call anyway. Doing…whatever they were doing sounded a whole lot nicer than sitting alone in the dark. "As long as you want," he whispered.

"Okay…"

* * *

 **A/N: There we have it :) A lot longer than I expected but I'm quite satisfied with it. Feel free to let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Aaaaaaand chapter 2! Thank you so much to those of you who left encouraging reviews. Already this story is shaping up to be one of my favourite little projects.**

 **Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

As soon as his promise floated through the air, April could feel herself begin to breathe easier. For weeks she'd taken on the weight of secrets heavy enough to break even the strongest of people. The pride she took in carrying her own struggles was not exactly unknown. But somehow, the one willing to help all the pieces stay together still came as a surprise. She wasn't one to deny their friendship exactly. Even if it seemed a little unusual when placed alongside relationships she shared with other doctors. But all things considered, it wasn't his place to do as much for her. After a moment of thought, it probably wasn't even that. Unexpected was how gentle Alex had been. For the first time since knowing him, he had been the one to extend the olive branch. Rolling her lip, the redhead sighed.

Coated in darkness, she could just make out the shape of him and the subtle raise of his head. A small part of her regretted bringing even the slightest bit of attention to herself but before she could stop them, the words had tumbled out of her mouth.

"I've tried...I've tried so many times to help him understand..." Anything else she might have offered tapered off as familiar fear became a fist around her heart. "I...I can't...It's...It's not who I am..." Alex found himself nodding in agreement. The two worked side by side for years and in that time she had invited various kinds of ideology, modifying wherever appropriate. Her faith however was unshakable. Even Alex knew that. Jackson and April seemed to pride themselves in knowing the other better than almost anyone. If that was true, why did Avery insist on sticking his fingers in his ears over the whole thing? Love was supposed to make even the worst parts of a person embraceable. At least, that's what he'd heard. Then again, it made just as much sense to admit that he didn't know the first thing about it.

Love for the Peds surgeon left only salted wounds and a twisted heart. Then again, what more could he really expect from the mentally unstable? The only one who didn't quite fit the criteria was Izzie. But cancer shaped her into a woman he barely recognized, the fight taking so much out of her that she was really only a ghost of the woman he once loved. Not that he missed her or anything. He didn't have time for that. What he sometimes spared a moment for every once in a while was some kind of thank you to her. Why, he hadn't the slightest idea. Maybe opening himself up the way he had made dealing with Kepner more bearable. Maybe now he might be able to relate at least a little. He had to fight a soft laugh then, the idea of relating to her sounding more ridiculous every time he came across it. At least, that's what he wanted to say. Instead he shrugged.

"That's all you can do. You can't make people understand you. They have to _want_ to."

"I know that," she mumbled softly. "I just...We were married. Doesn't that...Doesn't that mean he should want to try?" April knew how pathetic it all sounded. She better than anyone knew that Jackson Avery was virtually incapable of bending for anything. Especially his belief system. At the very least they had that in common. She had nothing but respect for his commitment to it. No matter what they were, that would always be true. But respect and understanding went both ways. As much as it pained her to admit, if he didn't get it now he never really would.

"Yeah, it should," he agreed. "Doesn't mean he actually will. I guess that's what's weird. You stick to something long enough, it becomes part of you. Sometimes anything else just feels...wrong," he finished quietly. April nodded. She knew that too. Probably better than she should. "I'm not saying he's right because he's not. He's got his head shoved so far up there that no amount of praying you might do will pull it out. He'll figure it out on his own time, in his own way. You can either sit here and wait for it to happen, or just go about your day."

"Yeah..." she murmured, all of her channeled emotion suddenly washed from her body. "I just..."

"He'll come around, April." Upon hearing those words, she was no longer sure if he meant them as quiet encouragement or simply the ones necessary to shut her up. Whatever their purpose, she had to believe him. She had to.

"I know..." And yet, she couldn't help but imagine what would become of her if he didn't. More importantly, what would become of their child?

"And if he doesn't—"

"He will," she countered quickly.

"If he doesn't..." he began again, "...that's his problem. Because when it comes down to it, you can try everything. You've got all this stuff you can say to make it hurt less. You can bust your ass for days making sure it's not you who screws it up. But when it's all over, somebody's gonna hurt. And when that happens, it's not about keeping them safe anymore. You gotta protect yourself." Listening intently, she had to wonder why it suddenly felt like Alex wasn't talking about just her and Jackson anymore. Closer inspection let her see that the slightest shadow was making its way across his rugged features. The smallest shift in his expression told her he was now in a place he never intended to be.

"I know," she repeated, knowing better than to ask where he'd gone off to. Instead, she carefully traced along his pulsing artery. The sudden touch jarred the man momentarily, a quiet growl bubbling at the base of his throat.

"S-sorry..." she hesitated, removing her hands in one swift motion. _Don't freaking touch me_ he thought. "I...I shouldn't..." _Yeah, you really shouldn't have_ he thought, more for himself than for her. As early as last week, he would have had to be drunk as hell to be in such a position. Tonight he practically invited her. This wasn't what one would call a pleasant situation but here they were anyway. He still had no idea what to call them. To consider them friends was almost a joke. But enemies didn't seek comfort in any form. They sure as hell wouldn't be touching like they were now. The chance to put her on the other side of that door was already long gone. Still, he shouldn't have. He really shouldn't have.

"Whatever. It's fine," he muttered. He couldn't remember the last time Jo had even brushed his arm just because. So what if all of this was supposed to be some kind of weird thank you? It was still a hell of a lot more than his own girlfriend was offering him lately. The fact that this was probably the one and only time they might put themselves here made it even better. Alex understood them better than anyone. He practically thrived in the temporary.

"I...I almost forgot," she admitted. "It feels nice...To have a real conversation. All we've been doing is yelling and I'm not sure I have any voice left." Well, he for one didn't exactly call this a conversation but he figured there was no point in arguing it. Whatever this was sure beat hearing the hundred ways he was failing at being a good boyfriend. Not that he even knew the first thing about being one of those. But here he was, trying. Trying really freaking hard to keep everyone together.

"Takes some getting used to," he mumbled. April felt her brow go up curiously. She never knew him to speak so...distantly. Then again, Karev was never the type to offer up anything that resembled biographical information. You were lucky enough to earn those in passing, if at all. "Hospital's always crawling with people. It's hard to find any kind of peace in this place." And just like that, his words took on their usual intervals.

"It is," she agreed. With the thousands of thoughts that cycled through her by the hour, the sudden stillness made the surgeon slightly uncomfortable. All the same, she wasn't ready to move just yet. Alex, for all of his less than desirable tendencies and holding the world at arm's length, was...warm. For the first time in twelve weeks she felt safe. April tried not to think about how much time would pass before he showed her out into the hall but for the moment, this was enough.

* * *

 _April's pregnant_. As many times as he let those two words take shape in his head, he wanted them gone. The last time he entertained the idea they spun circles around the attendings' lounge. Something like this was supposed to fill him with joy. Instead it only seemed to leave him paralyzed. Jackson let them float in and out until eventually they didn't even feel like words anymore. If it went on long enough, it wasn't true, right? Yes. Letting them lose meaning meant that she was just making the whole thing up. He wouldn't exactly put it past her. She had gone and tried every trick in the book to keep ink off those dotted lines. Now that they'd managed, this was her last ditch effort to pull him back in.

Thinking better of it, the idea wasn't all wasn't all terrible. Just because she was having his baby didn't mean he had to be tied to her. Torres and Robbins made it work all the time. Co-parenting was the new normal, a notion his ex-wife knew nothing about. Given the amount of fighting that took place over the last few months, the plastic surgeon had to wonder if she knew anything about him at all. Knowing just how he liked his coffee and eggs in the morning only scratched the surface of who he really was. Not that she seemed concerned with trying. And yet, here she was asking him to do just that. He wasn't exactly a master when it came to relationships but he knew that in order to keep one going both of them had to be willing participants in making it work. Offering information that was his to know to their co-workers didn't exactly qualify. The look on her face he'd seen hours before made him wonder just how long she would have waited.

Shaking his head, Jackson sighed. Since the divorce he had done everything he could to avoid it. April's face was the last thing he wanted floating in the back of his head. If he let himself go there, they would start out civil as they always did. Give one of them the right word and they would fill the halls with argument that took no real direction at all. The truth was he needed her gone in as many ways as possible. He'd run out of energy to keep any of this going. He couldn't afford to keep yelling. His heart was just too worn out. He needed a fresh start. He deserved a fresh start, something with someone whose very name didn't twist the knife inside his chest.

Just because he'd gone ahead and done it didn't mean he wanted her to hear it from somebody else. Especially when that someone might be Alex Karev. Now that he'd reluctantly shared it with Arizona, the chances she would find out were even higher. Not only was Robbins on her side but Karev too. The same guy who made her cry so much it had taken him a full fifteen minutes to know why. The same guy who made him so angry he set out to break his jaw. The very idea that she had somehow come to trust him made absolutely no sense. Jackson had to be the one to tell her. Straight from the horse's mouth was a courtesy that at least one of them remembered. He just had to find her.

Recalling how much their earlier fight had taken out of her, he headed straight for the on call rooms. Knocking gently on each of them, he waited a few seconds for human activity before moving on. He wasn't sure how many doors he had tried before an all too familiar laugh sounded on the other side of it.

"April?" Pulling her name from his throat hurt more than it should. For the first time in years, he hadn't been the one to bring that out of her. Letting the feeling subside, he thought better of it. Yes April was the kind of person who laughed at the smallest things. But to collect herself so soon afterwards? "Can we uh...Can we talk?" As soon as the question was out, he heard her pull whatever happiness she was feeling back in.

The sound of Jackson's voice flooded her with sudden panic, the ticklish spot along the side of her belly Alex had just found suddenly forgotten. Her eyes darted frantically, searching the room for a place to hide him. It didn't matter that they'd just had a fight. She was _not_ going to get caught like...this. _Now he wants to talk_ she thought. Talking for them always ended badly. The last thing she wanted to do right now was talk. Thinking better of it he probably hadn't done enough yelling. While his earlier accusations returned, a hand slid down to her abdomen once more.

He didn't need lights to see the panic on her face. The feeling came off of her in freaking waves. Eyeing her carefully he tossed April her top before finding a position on the top bunk. Below him he could hear her scramble to do the same. The invitation Avery was looking for still hadn't come. For her sake, Alex hoped it wouldn't. "There's something I have to tell you," he admitted. The quiet creaking of cot springs turned his attention.

"Unless that something resembles some kind of apology, I'm too tired, Jackson. Maybe tomorrow when I've had some sleep..." On the other side of the door, he rolled his lip. What he had wasn't exactly what one would call an apology but she would be demanding one the minute she heard it in the rumor mill.

"It is," he lied. "Sort of..."

"Sort of?" she asked. The redhead sighed, eyes averted to the Alex-shaped space impressed upon the mattress above her. "You either have one or you don't."

"April I..."

"I want to be alone, Jackson," she said softly, the knot once again forming in the back of her throat. "I think you've said enough." Hearing the change in her voice, it took every muscle in his body to keep from opening the door himself, if for no other reason than to comfort her. At least until that sound was gone. As much as he knew it would hurt her, he also knew that anything less than the words come out of his mouth might just destroy her.

"I'm...I'm seeing someone," he mumbled. For so long she'd waited for a three-word combination. That sure as hell wasn't it. _Oh_ she thought, taking just the slightest bit of comfort in the fact that Alex was stuck in the room with her. At least if...when she became a complete disaster, she wouldn't be alone.

"Okay," she offered quietly. All too familiar with the tone she'd taken Alex knew it was anything but. From where he stood, Jackson could hear it too but he wasn't going to be the one to keep things from her. He wasn't going to sit around and wait for her to be the last to know.

"I just thought...You know, before it got around that..."

"Yeah..." she agreed, still unable to move. Divorced or not, it was still a shock to her system. All of this was. She had been raised to believe that divorce was out of the question, and here she was. Months had passed since that dreaded day in the lawyer's office and just the thought of it made her hands shake violently. Even more than that, "taking care of it" was something Jackson was all too ready to do. For her the very thought made her stomach turn. _If this baby_...

"Have a good night." She found herself listening intently as his footsteps sounded further and further away. When she could no longer hear anything, April sat bolt upright, a hand to her chest while she tried to keep her heart from coming up out of her mouth. He sounded so...formal. The man she'd been so intimate with only three months prior had been replaced by a stranger. He looked like him, sounded like him but he...wasn't. As of late, the Jackson she knew, the Jackson she loved had somehow disappeared. She knew it was the grief that took him from her but that didn't make it hurt any less. A hand to her shoulder made the woman gasp, the temporary spell that kept her still suddenly broken.

It was as if someone had finally pressed play again, the tears fresh and warm as they cascaded down her cheeks. Against her better judgement, April found her face buried in his bare chest, radiating a heat she hoped would melt the ice inside her bones. Part of her expected a disgruntled comment about how she shouldn't cry. But Alex remained silent, keeping her there while she did.

"Please don't go..." she whispered. Unsure of where exactly the words had come from, she closed her eyes while he pulled a piece of plastered hair from her face. If she wasn't feeling small enough already, his touch had done the trick. Words like that shouldn't have the power to shrink her down to nothing. Considering how low to the ground she already was after confronting him in the lab, it wasn't that big a surprise.

"If you can pull yourself together, we'll talk about it," he mumbled. Pull herself together. Right, that sounded easy enough. Letting out a shaky breath, she carefully pulled away, daring to meet his gaze with glazed eyes of her own. Alex tried hard not to shake his head, wishing nothing more than to look at anything but the pain in her eyes.

"He...I had no idea," she whispered, wondering for the briefest moment how recent a development it was. Did her year-long stay in Jordan leave him so lonely that he...? No. He couldn't have. They'd both been grieving the loss of their son. No matter how cold he sometimes became, not even Jackson would use...

"I don't think you were supposed to," Alex mumbled. As much as he'd shrugged it off when Avery let the words out, the look on April's face brought on a sudden anger directed at the other man. He watched her shiver as a shaky calm finally took over.

"He...He has every right I just...I never thought..." She shook her head, letting the rest of her words fade out. "Was I gone while he...?"

"No," he mumbled. "Pretty sure it was just him." Not that Alex could back that up completely but given the circumstances he was pretty sure Jackson was better than that. To be honest, it sounded more like something he himself would have done. But his friend had a little bit more pride than that. "He missed you a lot, you know." April blinked, unsure of what she was supposed to do with those words now that so much time had passed.

"So did I..." she admitted. But as much as she loved him, she missed _herself_ even more. Losing Samuel had taken something from both of them. Things she wasn't sure would ever come back. Both spent so much time in silence that when one of them dared to speak it sounded more like yelling than simple conversation. She had to _do_ something. Sitting idle while waiting for the pain to pass wasn't doing either of them any good. She had to feel useful. She was a doctor for Christ's sake. All she ever knew how to be was useful. Staying cooped up in that house was more punishment than she needed. And even in knowing that, she couldn't pull herself away from it. No matter how much it tore at her very soul, she couldn't bear to leave the twisted comfort of her son's empty nursery. "He...took something from me," she whispered. Now it was Alex's turn to be confused. Didn't she _let_ him?

"You kind of told him he could," he mumbled. Rolling her lip, April let her head sway back and forth slowly as she continued.

"Not that," she clarified, the idea making her cheeks burn. "Even before...He knew who I was. He knew all of the things that made giving him my virginity so hard. And at first he was good about it. He made sure to ask me if it's what I really wanted, if I was sure. Of course I was. He was my best friend. I trusted him more than anybody. But then after...The next morning I told him why I was so uneasy about it. The look on his face...I think he thought I regretted it. And...after thinking about it, I kind of did. Not because it was him but...because we weren't...It was _wrong_. One impulsive decision ruined my relationship with God. I didn't know how long it would be before I could repair it. I'd committed one of the worst sins. And even though I asked for it, I knew I didn't deserve His forgiveness."

"You thought that 're-virginizing yourself would fix that?" he asked. April nodded trying to hide her embarrassment.

"You know that doesn't actually work, right?" Even though they both knew it was true, something about the fact that she tried anyway made April admirable in his eyes. Unlike him, she actually let herself feel pained over relationships she'd made a mess of. That wasn't to say that he didn't. He'd just done it so many times that the ache was just a dull itch now.

"I know," she nodded. "But...I guess I had to try. That's partly why Matthew was so perfect. He was everything I was supposed to have. Being with him was like...staring into a mirror. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be with someone who knows and understands my relationship with God. But Jackson he...He tries to understand."

"Trying doesn't mean much if he throws it in your face all the time." April nodded in agreement, her fingers once again gliding to her flat stomach. His smile was soft as he found his own spot on her abdomen. Despite his calming expression, his eyes spoke of determination she wished to see in Jackson. "Your baby, your business," he mumbled. She barely nodded then taking comfort in his words.

"Thank you..."

She wasn't sure how long they both sat there before deciding that sleep might help them stay upright the next day. What she could recall was the grin that came across her face when she realized that once again, Alex proved himself to be more understanding than she ever thought he would be.

"You...You can stay down here if you want," she offered shyly. She wasn't sure why she'd extended the invitation. There was a perfectly good cot right above them. And this was Alex. He wouldn't be caught dead sharing so small a space with her. It was enough they had to dance around each other on the surgical floor. To her surprise, he made no motion to leave, instead shoving her over just enough to give himself room to come up beside her. So much so that she remained sitting, staring at him for a moment while trying to keep a neutral expression. Alex on his part scowled.

"We're not doing anything." Shaking her head, she flushed, a deeper red than her hair had ever been.

"No I know I just...Thank you," she murmured.

"You said that already. Now are you gonna lay down or not?" Though she hesitated for a second, April wormed her way back under the covers turning her back to him. After a few minutes of silence, he heard her take a breath, rolling his eyes. He'd heard it twice already.

"Alex?"

"If the next words out of your mouth are 'thank you', I'm gonna go find another room." She gulped, suddenly shy again.

"No I...I don't want to make you uncomfortable but..."

"You're not making me uncomfortable," he grumbled. "You're annoying me."

"I know I just..."

"What?" he snapped. The sudden bite in his words made her wish she hadn't opened her mouth at all.

"Is there a chance you could maybe...hold me. "It's...cold in here." What the hell. If it would shut her up so he could get a couple hours of sleep, whatever. Turning on his side, he gently pulled her to him while still trying to communicate his irritation.

"There, can you shut your eyes now please?" Soft flame brushed his nose then while she settled back down. Despite his frustration, April couldn't help but keep the smile. Alex Karev was a better man than he ever let on. Reviewing the day's interactions, her face suddenly faltered. Being back in this room reminded her of so many things. She doubted it was the exact one but it was situationally the same. She'd come to him so eager to understand. Bad timing on her part. But after a day of recovering, she couldn't help but forgive him.

April wasn't his usual catch. Anyone with good sense knew that. All the same, the rejection had stung. The exchange they'd had put a fist in her throat. One she made the mistake of spilling out in front of Jackson. Tonight, she couldn't help but notice just how much the tables had turned. Rejection from her ex-husband sent her in search of Alex who had done his best to keep her calm. And so far as she could tell, he succeeded. He had no business giving her so much of his time. He sure didn't need to have his arms around her like this. But he did. The man wasn't perfect by any means. Even after six years he still barred his teeth at her. He still found little things about her that pissed him off. He made no secret of pointing those out to her in semi-degrading ways. But regardless of all of that, he was still honest. He was honest to a fault. He didn't waste time telling people things they didn't want to hear, even when it hurt them. Alex had and would always be himself, no matter what that meant for the people around him. Knowing that, she couldn't help realizing that everything she and Jackson had ever been was a lie.

"I wish it had been you..." she whispered, her confession meant for no one in particular.

"Huh?" he mumbled tiredly. Letting out a small yawn, he waited. Once the doctor opened her mouth, not even he could close it. Sleep as it often did would have to freaking wait.

"I think...I think Jackson was a mistake," she mumbled, tears building at the corner of her eyes. "As much as I love him, there are just so many things...I don't care that he doesn't believe. What hurts is the fact that he doesn't let me. He almost laughs at it. Like my faith is some kind of joke. I never asked him to..."

"I know," Alex said quietly, just enough to show her that he was still awake and listening.

"When I was pregnant with Samuel he made a unilateral decision to have him...And I just...I feel like this is what it would always come to. He thinks that we would have spared him. But...what he doesn't realize is that, if he wasn't meant to happen at all, I could have easily miscarried." As much as it pained her, something like that would have likely hurt less than the thought of an abortion.

"Thing is, he did happen. And losing him ruined your marriage." And cancer had ended his. They all had wounds that were still healing. She couldn't act like she was the only one still suffering.

"It did," she agreed, her voice hallow. "But maybe...I don't know. We're just so different. I think...I think that's why." Alex scowled, trying to make sense of the words she'd actually spoken.

"You think your baby was supposed to live and then die so you...?"

"Well when you say it like that it just sounds so morbid...But yes, for lack of better terms..."

"That's screwed up. Even for you."

"I know," she whispered, her heart newly broken now that she'd said such ugly things. "I just...You can love someone so much...But is it really enough?" Alex almost laughed. This sounded nothing like the trauma surgeon he knew. For her love was the answer to _everything_. Believing made _anything_ possible. For that, he couldn't help but hate Jackson. Sure her ramblings about positivity and hope were annoying as hell but she wouldn't be April without them.

"With the right person it is," he mumbled. "Kepner, you shouldn't let him get to you. He's arrogant and probably a little scared. But so are you. And you have a right to be. If that means you pray a little bit more than usual, whatever. If it means you take your lunch breaks in the chapel, go for it. Nobody should have to sacrifice what keeps them sane. If you find yourself having to do that, it's not love."

"You're right..." The Peds surgeon felt his eyes go wide. Very rarely did he hear that combination of words in relation to something that didn't involve sick kids.

"Alright, I don't say any of this stuff normally so...just...I don't know. Listen, okay?" April met him curiously, only momentarily nervous while she anticipated his next few words. "I meant to apologize to you that night. After everything happened. And I would have."

"Alex, that was so long ago..."

"Just lemme finish. I went home to Iowa. I had to have Aaron committed because he took a knife to my baby sister's throat. My mom had no idea. She was off her meds again." April blinked already sure she'd heard some variation of the story before. Even though she said nothing about it, her heart ached for him. The very thought of something like that happening to one of her parents was too unbearable to even entertain. She and her sisters had had their share of disagreements but nothing that drew knives or blunt objects. "Turns out he's like my mom. It took Amber almost dying to get me out there so I could do something about it. I don't remember a time when it wasn't my job to take care of 'em. I'm sure you learned pretty fast that my old man's a drunk. Fact that I sat there while he died doesn't even matter. The guy has no idea who I am. But even scum the earth doesn't deserve to die alone. So I sat there...Waited till his heart gave out. But it's...whatever. He'd been dead to me long before that. My point is, I'm sorry. The things I did...The things I said were...That wasn't me. I mean, it is but..."

"It's not," April murmured. "Whoever that Alex is, he ran out of the room as fast as he could. He doesn't stay." He knew that was meant to be a compliment but somehow, it made him feel worse about himself.

"Neither do I..." he admitted. "Got outta there as fast as I could. When I tell you guys that Mer's the only family I've got...And I guess Yang too but...she's a pain in my ass." The trauma surgeon smiled softly. She couldn't for the life of her figure out how those two made it work as well as they did. She supposed it was a lot like the relationship she had with Alex. "It's because she is. So much crap has happened to her. But...It's different when you're dealing with crazy, you know? It just never ends. Working here got me out of that. And every time I go back...Every time I go back this cloud of shit follows me around until I can shake it. I knew what you were asking me. And...I guess I would've...I don't know, helped you. But I had already helped so many freaking people."

"Why?" she whispered, somewhat taken aback by his sudden openness.

"Why what?"

"Why would you have helped me? You don't...You don't have time for...well, what I was." That much was true. But something about Kepner didn't exactly make that important. They'd all been at one point. If she insisted on waiting so long, she might as well make it worth it.

"Does it matter?" No, she supposed it didn't really. Because the fact was, she wasn't a virgin anymore. And even if she was, Alex had this way of giving her all the reasons he would have been the better choice without actually saying so. "But uh, I guess that's old news now. I just thought you deserved to know I'm not that big of an asshole." Though his word choice wasn't always the greatest, she couldn't help feeling touched by this entire conversation. Not only had he opened up to her but in his own way he'd admitted that she wouldn't have been a complete waste of his time. If she didn't already know that, the way he held her now said more than enough. More confident hands reached out to guide themselves along his jaw. The fact that they both still probably smelled of antiseptic didn't even matter. Gauging his expression for some kind of reaction, she dared to place a light kiss at his collarbone.

For the first time in his life, Alex was the one left to feel dirty. Here she was spent from all her tears and he had the audacity to _like_ the way she touched him. Papers or not, in her heart April was still a married woman. He'd done a lot of screwed up things in his life. He wasn't even afraid to admit that he'd cheated more than once. But he had yet to be the one someone cheated _with_. And to think they'd just spent the last few hours talking about her sacred bond with Jesus or whatever.

"April..." Hearing her name, she looked up at him, shame suddenly coming over her.

"Oh god...You're still...I'm sorry...I...I forgot." Well, he wasn't quite thinking about that but now that she'd mentioned it, his mind flashed back to his overcrowded drawer. The way things were going, he wondered if it would ever make its way onto Jo's finger at all.

"It's fine," he mumbled. He wasn't even sure if he could say they were together anymore. And even if they were, he hadn't exactly told April to stop when she'd made the mistake earlier. "I'm pretty sure we're done."

"Alex..."

"Not sure why I'm surprised. Something always screws it up. But this time...I don't think it even hurts. She's sounding a lot like Avery lately in a weird way."

"It's a big step..." she said. "One that I made the mistake of jumping into with both feet and look where we are."

"This...This is different," he muttered. "We haven't had a conversation that didn't involve her yelling about Meredith for months now. I figured giving her the ring would calm her down enough but it's just gotten worse. So really, it's fine. She's been gone a while."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be. I was the one stupid enough to think it would work. As far as I know, we're done. So really, there's no point in feeling bad about it. You just...You move on."

"I suppose so," she whispered, Jackson's hasty confession coming back to her. Seeing the change in her face, he sighed.

"It's his loss. If he's not willing to grow up about the fact that you had to go for yourself, then there's nothing else you can do."

"He needed me, Alex. He needed me and I just..."

"That might be true but he hasn't exactly forgiven you for choosing yourself. Don't hate me for saying this but...I've known you guys a long time. The minute you chose to give him your body, he gave himself permission to take little pieces of you whenever he wanted to. Jackson wanted you to get rid of the baby. Jackson served you the papers. Jackson scared you so bad you came in here looking like a ghost. I almost had to pick you up off the floor. When's the last time you did something for April?" If they were going on the last year alone, there wasn't much.

"I left for Jordan," she mumbled.

"Without feeling guilty about it?" She only wished it was that easy. Regardless of what Jackson had done to her, the guilt of leaving him alone to grieve still ate at her.

"He was my husband..."

"Was," he repeated. "He had a choice to make. He could either wait it out and discuss it when you were ready to come back. Or he could just walk away. He made his choice, April. I think he knew where you stood on the idea of divorce and did it anyway."

"To get back at me."

"And you can't let him do that. Stick to your guns. It's not your job to lick his wounds anymore. Your job is you and this baby," he murmured pressing his fingers lightly against her bare skin. Despite the quiet tears, she bobbed her head slowly.

"Arizona told him..." she said meekly. When the words finally seemed to register, she felt him pull his hand away, the absence of it something she shouldn't be aware of.

"Robbins told him?" He would be stupid not to know exactly where her head was. Alex felt his chest flare at the mention of his mentor. Yeah she'd been riding his ass about helping her convince April to tell Jackson about the baby but that didn't mean he was going to do it. The closest he'd come to that was convincing Kpener to do it herself. He liked to think that it eventually worked. But apparently she was already late to the party. "Why the hell would she do that?"

"The test..." Even if she had already taken it, he could tell that even bringing it up made her uneasy.

"You could do that with or without him," he muttered.

"I know. But I guess...she thought he had a right to know."

"We all thought that. But telling him was your job, not hers."

"Either way, everyone got what they wanted." If she was still hurting over it, that definitely wasn't the case. Shaking his head, Alex let the shirt she wore come up slowly over her head. A finger trailed lightly along her ribs while his hands came up around her back as he unhooked her quietly. "Alex..." As many times as he'd heard his name, April somehow always took the edge off of it. In the last few months Jo had made it something he couldn't stand to hear anymore. But as many times as it fell out of her mouth, there was a comfort in it he didn't know he needed until that very moment.

"We won't...I just..."

"Okay," she whispered, the shadow of a smile coming to her face. She wasn't quite sure why. Maybe it was the fact that he was still here with her. Maybe it had something to do with the way he spoke to her. Or maybe, just maybe she'd unlocked a part of him that was only meant for her. For all of those reasons and a few more she couldn't name, she let him take what he wanted until she had no choice but to curl up beside him for warmth her forgotten pieces of clothing were meant to give her.

Once he'd taken her down to nothing more than her underwear, he let one hand work through her hair as the other traced along the hills and valleys of her body, a sensation that often made the redhead shiver. _This_ is what he should have done. _This_ is the kind of help she had asked him for. Now, more than anything he wanted to give it to her. At the same time, he knew he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair.

"Can...Can you show me?" she asked, her voice trembling. "What it would've been like." As much as he wanted to, he wasn't sure he could. "It's...It's okay. I...I'd like you to," she confessed. For only moments she let the guilt of what they were about to do to Jo come over her. What she was asking of him certainly wasn't right. But she'd gone by the book her entire life and look where that got her. If what he had done for her in the last few hours told her anything it was that, as much as she told herself otherwise, there was a very good chance she'd chosen wrong. Again. "I mean...only if you're sure that..."

"I'm sure," he breathed, pushing every thought he had of Wilson clear out of his head.

"Show me..." she whispered. "Please..."

* * *

"April, I'm sorry." Now she understood why Alex couldn't stand to hear her say it. Even if she herself meant every one, there was something about the way Arizona said it that made her want to roll her eyes. "I thought that I was doing the right thing." In what world was the right thing going behind your best friend's back about something so private?

"I really don't give a crap what you thought," she said hotly, making her way as quickly as possible to the elevator. She really didn't have time for this. Not when their next patient was only minutes away. As much as she appreciated the way her confrontation with Jackson had been refereed, the conversation itself shouldn't have happened in the first place. At least not with an audience. That was her own private business.

"Listen, I was with you before. I lived through that with you, with Jackson and I just was trying to help somehow so that maybe this time could be different." Hearing the blonde prattle on, key words made her normally settled blood boil. If this argument was meant as a distraction to keep her from feeling the pleasant ache between her thighs it was doing a damn good job. She couldn't for the life of her remember the last time she'd been taken care of with as much consideration. And now, with her friend almost begging to be forgiven, she couldn't even enjoy it. Because as far as she could remember, Arizona hadn't been anywhere near any of it. Yes, she'd been there to support them but that didn't mean she knew the hurt. _Different?_ April almost choked. Of course this was different. This baby was fine. This baby would _be_ fine. She didn't need to be forced to prove that to anyone. The surgeon spun to face her, more anger than she knew to contain running through her.

"I'm sorry, you were there? You lived through that? Um, no. No Arizona that was me and it was Jackson. We lived that nightmare and I refuse to live it again. And you know what? It is different this time. Because this time I am choosing to have faith in a good outcome for this baby until God himself tells me otherwise. And Jackson—I will deal with this myself the way I want to when I want to." She hadn't meant to throw so much at her at one time but there it was. The woman had pushed her far enough. It wasn't enough that she'd been harping about the samples she knew they wouldn't need. She had to go and betray her trust in the most painful way imaginable.

"I know. I'm sorry, April. I thought—" No, she really wasn't thinking. She wasn't thinking at all.

"Don't. Don't think about me. Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me, okay? And I believe in this stuff so understand how much I mean it when I tell you, go to hell." The words were out before she could even consider moderating them. Not that she really felt the need. Not this time. Her face remained expressionless as the shock washed over her friend, the elevator doors making it that much easier not to care.

"Let her go," Alex muttered. Hearing Karev's voice she turned to meet him.

"What?" Arizona asked, trying hard to keep her face in check. All she'd been trying to do was apologize. She didn't expect it to be accepted right away but she definitely didn't think April was capable of uttering the last three words. The fact that she believed so strongly in such a place made it all the more painful to hear. "I..."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Robbins blinked, unsure of how to address him. She was so used to aiming them at Alex that to hear him go at her was nothing she expected. "This is exactly the kinda crap I didn't wanna be a part of. You were all about making sure _she_ told him about the baby."

"Yes. Because I think he has a right to know that this is his child," she shot back. Alex rolled his eyes taking her arm and walking them over to a wall. It wasn't the most private way to go about it but he wasn't about to give her the satisfaction.

"Are you the one having his kid, Robbins?"

"Well, seeing as I'm all about the boobs, I don't..."

"Exactly. You don't. Avery needed to know. He didn't necessarily _deserve_ to know but she was working up to it. Regardless of all the stupid crap they've been through, she has enough sense...enough heart to give him that. Just because she didn't know how, just because she was taking her time to get there, you felt the sudden urge to open your mouth?"

"Karev, it wasn't like that," she mumbled, even though according to Kepner herself that's exactly what it was. Good intentions be damned, right? "She had to get those done as soon as possible. She has to know. She deserves to be prepared this time."

"This time?"

"Well yes. Once you have one baby with OI, the chances of it happening again are..."

"You don't have to tell me that," he said flatly. "We're all doctors here."

"Alex, I'm trying to explain myself here. If you would just let me, I'd appreciate it." He breathed an impatient sigh, his arms crossed over his chest. "It...It just came out," she sighed. "He was asking me if she knew. And I...Well, what he was asking and what I thought he was asking weren't the same thing," she admitted. "He thought that she knew that he was..."

"She does now," he mumbled. "He was an ass about it but that doesn't really surprise anyone around here anymore."

"Oh..."

"Yeah...'Oh'," he repeated, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "Seriously, when are you going to learn to keep your nose out of other people's business?"

"Excuse me?" she scowled, taken aback by the accusation

"I get what you were trying to do, okay? But you gotta admit it was a dick move. Our job is dealing with sick kids. If this is your way of "advocating" for hers, you really need to take a step back."

"I was her friend, Karev."

"Hers or his? Because I'm pretty sure she told you about the baby in confidence. As her friend you should've been able to keep your mouth shut."

"Like you?" she laughed. Alex smirked despite himself.

"Okay just to clear this up, I did the detective work. Nobody had to tell me anything. I figured it out. And the minute she confirmed it, I told her she should tell him. Before word got around and he heard it through the mill. But I think this might actually be worse."

"It was an honest mistake. I didn't know how long it would be before she..."

"Well, if the time lines up, all you had to do was keep your trap shut for another five minutes."

"I know..."

"But you didn't. I didn't know what the hell she was looking for after everything went to crap but she was digging around on call rooms looking for somewhere to get her head together. Just so happens I was in one of them. She looked as good as freaking Casper, Arizona...The slightest gust of wind could've knocked her right over. I'm surprised she made it over to the bunk before falling apart." The pained look on the blonde's face was easily ignored while he was only left to imagine exactly how everything had happened.

"It...It was a disaster," she said quietly.

"Yeah, that much I got."

"So...she told you." Alex nodded, keeping to himself the fact that she didn't so much tell him as it all seemed to tumble out of her in pieces. "I feel terrible..."

"Yeah well, I'm not gonna say you should but..."

"I should," she said meekly. "I know how afraid she is that it might happen again but it's better to be prepared than to..."

"They're both my friends, okay? But...with the way he's been acting lately, I'm not sure he deserves much of anything."

"Alex, he's grieving. Have a little respect."

"Calling it like I see it," he muttered. As for the respect, right now he had a lot more of it than she did, at least where April was concerned. Piercing voices put a stop to anything else he might have said, his eyes intent on watching the couple's next installment unfold.

"Robbins? You told Robbins and you didn't tell me?" _Here we go_.

"I don't...I don't have time for this right now, okay?" Alex's nostrils flared as Avery took hold of her arm, his foot fully prepared to run interference when necessary. _Get your damn hands off of her_.

"You've taken more than enough time, don't you think? The time was before I signed the friggin' divorce papers?" For months it had been about her trying to keep her marriage together. Now Avery was on some kind of warpath, in which he used the damn things to prove his competency as an idiot.

"Jackson, I'm not doing this. Not here, not now." He had to hand it to both of them. No matter what the situation, they both seemed to have mastered the art of terrible timing. Watching him carefully, Alex felt a fist come together at his side.

"Oh excuse me. Is there a more convenient time to catch you lying to me?" How many times would she have to stress that she hadn't exactly lied to him? The timing just never felt right. He deserved an explanation that didn't just shoot out of her mouth. From what she gathered, Arizona had done just that on her behalf.

"Jackson!"

"You think a pregnancy would've factored in to my decision to move forward with the divorce?" For a moment, she considered it, sickened with the idea that it might not have mattered. But for all his faults, Jackson was a good and decent man. As hurt as she was by his countless explosions, April knew that she was the cause of most, if not all of his most recent ones. And in knowing just how good he was, she knew that they both deserved better than to be stuck in a relationship that clearly wasn't going anywhere fast.

"I knew it would! But you didn't wanna stay with me. You think I want you to stay for my baby—"

"Our baby—"

"...and you hating me for the rest of my life?" She wasn't sure if her lack of tears had come with some kind of personal growth or the night she'd spent with Alex. If she hadn't been there to hear them herself, she would have to wonder if they were two entirely different people. In the hours she spent with him, the man had infused her with more confidence than she ever thought she needed, quite possibly for exactly this occasion.

"Yeah well, you got a pretty good jump on that, didn't you?" April almost laughed, if for no other reason than to hide the shock. Jackson daring to slap her would probably be less painful than this. The circles he spun around her were ironic as ever. He'd proven himself incapable of even being around her. Why the hell did he insist on twisting the knife that much more? If he was intent on some kind of payback, he wasn't exactly failing.

"Wow yeah, that didn't take any time at all."

"Alright, that's enough," Alex muttered. He was all for watching them claw each other's eyes out. It made for some of the best entertainment. But this had stopped being fun to watch weeks ago. Now it was just annoying. Knowing how these things made April feel only intensified his dislike for them. So much so that he easily ignored the glare shot at him.

"No, you know what? It's fine. Screw this. You wanna play the martyr here? You wanna pretend you're doing this alone? Go for it. Knock yourself out. It's your deal, April. You win, I'm out. I'm done." Alex swallowed hard. He remembered far too many arguments between his parents going down like this. The combination of events from the night before brought a familiar heat around his ears, his ready fist aiming directly for Avery's stupidly sculpted jaw. April on her part stood in what could only be described as surprise. Natural instinct told her that she should probably do something about it. Break them up or at least keep one of them calm. In reality, she was too busy wondering what in the world made it Alex who came to her defense.

"What the fuck, Karev!" he snarled, staggering back while he took hold of his injured jaw.

"Not as fun this time, is it?" he muttered. Alex watched as his eyes narrowed, the hint of a smirk daring to play across his mouth.

"Trust me, it's plenty fun," Jackson whispered. "It's nice to see though. You coming to her defense. It's kinda cute. Five years late but who's counting, right?" His own instincts placed him right between the two, his well-practiced body blocking skills coming to him without so much as a single thought.

"I said enough," he repeated, his tone dripping with flame he wished to take to the other man's face. "Get the hell away from her."

"Me? How is any of this my fault? She's the one who kept my own baby a secret. I don't know what possessed her to let you in on it but that's not even the issue. _I_ should've been the first to know. I think I get to be a little pissed about that."

"From where I'm standing, that's a damn reward," he corrected. "After everything she's done for you...She deserves to keep it to herself for as long as she needs to."

"Done for me? I'm sorry but I don't know if we're having the same conversation here. She hid my child from me. She left for a different _country_ without so much as discussing it with me. She's standing here acting like she's the only one who lost him. Well, so did I! He was my kid too. Didn't even make it a full day before he died in my arms. How am I supposed to pretend that it doesn't even matter? I needed her and she was just...gone! And I'm the one who's supposed to shut up about it? I needed my wife, Karev. And instead of mourning with me she just..."

"When's the last time you ever let her do something without pouring guilt all over it?"

"I don't understand what you're..."

"When's the last time she was allowed to be selfish? When's the last time _you_ gave up something so she could be happy?"

"I'm not even going to answer that..."

"Because you don't have one."

"No, because what you're going for is none of your damn business!"

"When you started hurting her the way you are, I made it my business!" he shot back. Jackson scowled, trying hard to keep the humour out of his face.

"This isn't just about her, Alex. I get that you're trying to protect her but there's no need. April's a big girl. She can handle it."

"Might be true but I'm not about to let her "handle it" anymore. And that's not me saying she isn't capable. Can't you see she's tired of all this crap? Has it ever freaking occurred to you that maybe it would be a good idea for you to find a new punching bag? I mean...I guess in a way it has since you're just walking away from your marriage but...I dunno. I might be wrong."

"You don't know the first thing about my marriage," he growled. _A lot more than you think_ he thought. Instead, he found Izzie propped somewhere in the back of his mind.

"Okay, so I don't know anything about yours. But I remember mine like it was yesterday. Only she left me. She served me. I sat by her bedside every damn day while cancer sucked the life right out of her. Shit like that made me feel so fucking helpless. I wanted so badly to freaking help her. I wanted to fix it, make it better. I just wanted to take her pain and make it my own. But cancer didn't care. The bastard just ate at her till she was skin and bones. After her brain surgery to remove the tumor, she couldn't remember anything for more than five seconds. After a few hours of that, she told me to be honest. And...something inside of me snapped. I knew that she wouldn't remember it so I just...let her have it. Only she did remember. She remembered all the hatred and frustration and...there was no taking it back. Somehow, she forgave me for it. And then she died. Izzie died right there in my arms and I had watch while everyone in this hospital tried to save her life. You know how the rest of it played out."

"What the hell does all of this have to do with me and April?"

"Cut some freaking slack already. The woman's carrying your kid. The last thing she needs right now is you breathing down her neck about crap. So she left. But she came back. When she was more put together, she came back. She was finally in the right headspace to fight for your marriage. And you were so insulted by the whole thing that you just gave up. April ignored everything for you. She gave up her faith, her marriage...She almost gave up her baby."

"Oh you mean the one that died?" Alex nodded.

"I don't know what changed, man but I'm standing here wondering what happened to the dude who made it his job to ignore everything _he_ stands for. What happened to the guy who stood up for her? What happened to the guy who stopped a _ceremony_ and used it as a chance to write her some kind of love letter about all the reasons he loves her? Even the ones he hates?" Jackson on his part stood frozen. Yes, he'd done and said all of that. What he didn't expect was for Alex to remember any of it and use it against him.

"Pretty sure that all went out the window the minute she put us through this hell," he muttered.

"Alright look, I like you both but if you don't figure out your crap, she's _going_ to be doing this by herself. Not because she has no choice. But because she does."

"Sure."

* * *

Jackson took several breaths, letting them course through his body as he made his way up to the house. He wasn't even sure why he was bothering with this. The way things had happened at work told him he was just wasting his time. But he was already here. He couldn't turn around without at least trying to apologize. As much as it pissed him off, he had to admit that Alex had a point. He went about it like an ass but he really didn't expect much else. Defying all sides of better judgement, he knocked quietly.

April stood quietly in the middle of her living room, debating whether or not to wait until whoever it was decided to just come back later. Right now the last thing she needed was another lecture from someone in her circle of friends. After watching the exchange between Jackson and Alex, she still couldn't quite make sense of it. Alex coming to her aid was something that would take time to get used to. Even more difficult to process was the fact that he'd actually punched him. She had no idea what he meant to solve by doing so but she thanked him nonetheless. As much as she knew her part of the fight was over, she couldn't help but stand transfixed while they went back and forth in front of her. Seeing as no one else was going to do it, she considered actually pulling them apart but she was too busy trying to keep calm to actually do it.

"Who is it?" she called.

"Me." April sighed, fingers tearing through her hair in frustration. As much as she often admired his determination, the time and place he chose to use it only made the two of them angrier. Even though it made more sense to ignore him with the hope that he would just leave, she stood on the other side of an open door. "Hey...I just wanted to uh apologize. I reacted badly today and we're...we're having a baby who does not deserve to have us arguing over it." _A little late to be making sense of it now..._ she thought.

"That's what I was trying to avoid," she said. In turn, avoiding pain only seemed to bring more where Jackson was concerned. But at least she tried.

"I get that. Sort of. I mean, I'm trying to get that. We can figure it out, right?" April met the floor while she considered it. The fight for him was long over. She'd admitted defeat the minute she put pen to paper. But this baby...This baby deserved a father. No matter how ruined its parents were, it deserved a dad. Not that he was proving himself worthy at all but...they had time.

"Yeah..." she whispered. Not everything had to be solved tomorrow but if they could at least make a start... "Look, I honestly...I didn't," she sighed. "I waited to tell you because last time...Last time tore us apart. Literally. Neither one of us could help the other and everyone got hurt. And I just didn't want that. For you or me. I just...I wanted to wait until I knew that everything was okay. And I am...I'm really sorry. Okay? I'm sorry." He knew she was waiting for words but he honestly couldn't find them. At least not the ones she wanted to hear.

"You wanted to wait till it was too late, right? Until you were too far along to do anything about it." He knew he'd struck a nerve but this was exactly the debate that made the first cut a year before. The redhead stood silent, unsure of how to begin addressing that.

"I'm sorry, do what exactly?" Where she stood on the issue was more than clear to him. He knew that anything like that was simply not...And yet, here they were. Again.

"I don't know...Not put us through this again? Or a baby for that matter? For me not to have to hold him while he dies. Maybe some options." This conversation alone was confirmation enough that the night before had been anything but a mistake. Proof that her first impression of Alex had been severely misinformed. Contrary to what Bailey had said, Karev would have been a very good choice with whom to take her...voyage.

"Um that is...not an option for me, and you know that."

"What about me? Hmmm? What about my options?" It was times like these she had to wonder if she really had misjudged Jackson. Best friend or not, he had a way of making her, and probably those around him, feel so incredibly small. She hated to admit that it was the Avery in him that he once tried so hard to ignore. He had a right to those options, just as much as April did hers. The difference was, she did everything she could to keep from shoving them down his throat. He on the other hand had no issue with that at all.

"You don't count here." And until he figured out a way to take most of the hot air out of his head, she would make damn sure that he continued not counting.

"I don't? I'm the father."

"Yes, you're the father, when there's a baby, but right now, you have no choice in this. It's my body. My baby." And even then he would have to earn such a title. Until he himself grew a uterus and knew what it meant to carry another life inside of him, she'd heard enough about him and his options.

"April—"

"You are not my husband. You have no rights here." As unexpected as those words were, she prided herself in being able to say them. She hated the way they sounded in her mouth. Jackson was the one man she trusted more than anyone. The one she'd given her most private secrets to. And with every blow to her self-esteem she regretted sharing them more and more. The sudden infusion of emotion gave her the courage to let the door swing closed, allowing her to ignore the petulant pound of his fist that followed.

On shaking legs she carefully made her way back, sitting stiffly on the couch. How was it that one man could pull so much out of her with just his words? For weeks now she hadn't been able to look at him the same. A heart once filled with so much love for him now thudded against her chest with fear. Fear of what he would say, what more he would take from her. Wringing her hands to keep them steady, she picked up her phone, scrolling past only a couple of entries before she stopped. _Alex_. She had to check in and make sure Jackson didn't set him off more than he already had. It rang only a couple of times before connecting.

"Hey," he mumbled running a hand along the back of his neck. Across the room, Jo sat in silence, eyeing the drawer suspiciously. She'd done that every day for weeks now. At some point he would have to confront her about it. She was either going to make up her mind or just drop the whole thing. Given how distant she'd been, his money rested on flat out rejection. Rejection he wasn't at all ready for. He had no real patience for it. He'd waited around for days. She'd asked for time to wrap her head around it and he was giving it to her. But the fact that they couldn't even talk about basic crap was really starting to get on his damn nerves.

"Hi..." April mumbled nervously. "I um...I just wanted to make sure that everything..."

"I'm fine, April. Pretty sure I'm the one who punched him. He just fed me bullshit to save his own ass."

"Right," she chirped, nodding despite herself. Bringing her knees up onto the couch, she sighed.

"You okay?"

"I will be," she said honestly. "It's just...a lot to take in."

"Yeah, I get that. You need anything?" Even though everything in her said she didn't, her lack of a filter kept her more honest than she wanted to be.

"He...He came over. I think he was trying to apologize but it really...I'm not sure it sounded like one." On the other end she heard Alex groan, allowing herself a moment of guilt for even telling him. "I'm sorry...You didn't need to—"

"It's okay," he mumbled. "So Avery ran his mouth?" All this time with the Grey sisters was really starting to turn him into an actual chick. Here he was, once again listening to the April Chronicles, not exactly bothered by it. At least not yet.

"Well he...He started out okay. I was beginning to think he might actually mean it. But when I told him why I waited it became about what would happen to it if..." she whispered, the idea twisting her heart again. "He thinks I waited until it was too late to...But I didn't. I needed time to put words together. But that's all he saw. "

"That's not really surprising," he muttered.

"No, it's not. But then it turned into a debate about his...options and I just...He knows I don't want that."

"Does he?"

"By now he should. I can't have this baby with him, Alex. It's just too hard. Every time I think we're getting somewhere, he sends us ten steps back. That's not the life I want for my child."

"I know."

"I just...I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Right now it's you and the baby. Let Avery run his mouth as much as he wants to. You don't have to listen to it. I think it'd be better if you flat out didn't. He's chasing his own damn tail. Let him. He's either going to step up and play his part or not. That's on him. That baby is yours, alright? Who helped you make it doesn't matter right now."

"That's what I told him."

"Good." The line was silent for a full five minutes leaving him to wonder if all of the day's events really had made her tired enough. April licked her lips, unsure of what more she could say to keep him there. Regardless of what they had done, she knew it was selfish, and yet, she couldn't quite help herself.

"Could you...Could you maybe not hang up just yet? The quiet is nice."

"Sure. Did you need to talk more or something?"

"No. I just...This is nice."

"Okay." Even though she knew better, April found herself smiling again. The night before played like her favourite film. One she paused periodically to remember every last detail of the way he made her feel. She knew it would only ever be that one night, making it all the more important that she commit as much as she could to memory. One that she would use to build herself back up every time Jackson tore her down.

* * *

 **A/N: There we go. Feel free to leave your thoughts.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you all so much for all the great reviews! The continued support means a lot :)**

 **Disclaimer: *See chapter 1***

* * *

It had been a week since the events that unravelled in the on call room. Since intern year, he'd made more than sufficient use of them, though nobody ever actually occupied them the way they were supposed to. The do-over with April was unexpected to say the least, but this time he could walk away from it with a clearer conscience. This one hadn't been forced or driven by some kind of blind desperation. At least not where Alex was concerned. The redhead however had yet to explain to him exactly who and what convinced her that taking them that far was a good idea. Papers or not, she was still somebody's wife in her own little version of the world, even if her actions spoke otherwise. He couldn't help the concern that came with such opposing ideas. If anyone could study it for hours it would be April. As well as Alex had come to accept her at times naive insights, there were times he wanted so badly to shut her up. Kissing seemed to solve that problem well enough. Healing of any kind didn't work if a room was ringing with anxiety. The trauma surgeon managed to do enough for them both. April had the neurotic tendency to go over everything from sixteen different angles. What the hell would she make of _them_? When she could come up with an explanation for that, they would both feel better. Not that he wasn't already.

Alex himself kept a lengthy list of all his encounters, no matter how meaningless they were. Much to his surprise (or maybe not), Kepner managed to put herself in a category he hadn't put a name to yet. Considering it, the fact that she was so uniquely placed was very representative of how she led her life in general. More than that, she had made him feel something. The emotion still didn't have a name. Part of him wondered if he would ever find one. All he understood was that whatever the woman had done to him left him terrified.

Perhaps it had something to do with his own stupid list. Maybe it had more in common with the idea that for once, the need felt equalized. In the past, he'd only ever known taking care of people. On rare occasion when this wasn't the case, he would tend to his own needs, almost oblivious to the partner whose breath he barely felt against his skin. That night was different. April was different. He had been able to see her. He had been able to hear her. As insignificant as those sounded, he couldn't help but think that they meant something. He wasn't sure what yet but the reason for his new sense of satisfaction was in there somewhere.

It was people like April who made him all too aware just how much of a lie marriage could really be. He couldn't even remember the last time he saw her light up the way she did when they were together. It was nothing extreme. He could tell that she wasn't one for outrageous displays of pleasure. At least in that sense she knew subtly. Part of it was probably related to her love for privacy but whatever. No matter the reason Alex could write a list a mile long of all the things she gave up just to stand at Avery's side. He could only hope that the divorce would bring at least some of it back out. After a moment of thought, he grimaced. Watching it and hearing about it, even when he could really care less gave him a lot of time to reflect. Kepner wasn't the only one to get slapped in the face. His moment of epiphany made his mouth curl in disgust.

Going over every encounter, every word exchanged, his face suddenly stung. He had been so much more than a husband. He cared endlessly for a woman who couldn't even look him in the eye half the time when she spoke to him. _Cause she had eyes for somebody else_. And he'd been made to believe he might actually be worth more than he gave to the people around him _So much more_ he thought, the idea making him laugh. To think he finally felt brave enough to share some truth about himself. He wasn't sure when it started but at some point the blonde had been the only one of their friends who dared to hold conversation with him. Over time, those short chats morphed into longwinded conversation full of meaning that she tried so hard to pull out of him. Eventually one of them would just sigh with frustration, a sign that whatever they were doing just wasn't working. In enough time, talking faded to silence, conversations stopped completely until they were nothing but bare skin with pale sheets to shield their vulnerability. And still, the truth seemed never good enough. Or maybe it was just him she didn't really care enough about. The finest example was still right in front of his damn nose. The guy was rotting in the ground but his intrusive memory was still very much there.

Bring in Denny Duquette and a kind of overwhelming jealousy would quickly become the norm. And for a time, he'd accepted it. For some reason he still couldn't make sense of, he allowed himself to be someone's second choice even when he did everything imaginable to put them first. Had he really been as desperate as Kepner in that regard? Luckily, he was never given enough time to think about how pathetic the whole thing was. Divorce by snail mail but an easy end to the debate. The concept somehow managed to make breakups over the internet sound completely acceptable. This was not and likely never would be the story with April. She was already front and centere, a star in her own disaster.

Both were nursing broken hearts constantly filled with unanswered questions. Jackson seemed to speak for everyone in the room when he really wanted something, other opinions be damned. Whatever they had done provided Alex with answers for questions he never thought to ask. Not for the first time, he wondered if the opportunity would find them again. Why? Hell if he knew. All that mattered was the fact that both walked away from it with no real regrets.

Making his way onto the elevator he tried hard not to sigh in his friend's direction. From what he could see, her wheels were still turning too, likely waiting for an apology that wouldn't come for a while yet. He couldn't exactly help her with that. And even if he could, case files and sick kids were more important than his mentor's hurt feelings. Normally he'd spare enough to care. This time, the blonde dug a hole that only she herself was going to get out of.

"So, the Rocko kid looks pretty good but I wanna monitor him over night," he mumbled. He couldn't bring himself to talk about more than work with her lately. He tried to a couple of times but the subject always seemed to revert back to the reason for her uncomfortable silence.

"You said we should do something," she pointed out. Alex let his eyes zero in on the file he held, the transition an instinct as he once again skimmed through it.

"We are. We're monitoring the kid overnight." There wasn't much else they could do except watch for any sudden changes.

"About April. It was your idea." Alex almost laughed. Robbins made up her own mind on the matter. Yes he agreed to help the former couple come to a conclusion of sorts but it wasn't going to come by any faster if he'd shoved them both in a room and kept it brocaded until someone (most likely April) formulated something that resembled a plan.

"Something. I said something. I didn't say go behind her back and tell Jackson," he clarified. His mentor decided that for herself, under the false impression that she was helping "the process". Considering how poorly executed the master plan was and the argument that soon followed, things were going to get a whole lot uglier if they had any hope of getting even the slightest bit better. The soft ding of opening elevator doors turned his gaze upward. Next to him Alex could feel Arizona tense a little. He found himself holding the trauma surgeon's gaze for several moments before letting his eyes fall back to where they were moments before. He could feel her returning it, though now her eyes probably landed on a receding hairline.

"April...Hi uh good morning." April found herself unable to do more than look the two of them over for a full minute before stepping back from the threshold quietly. _Good morning?_ Alex thought. Since when did anyone walk around here with a greeting like that? That awkwardness was usually saved for morning afters both participants knew without discussion would never happen again. If the shoe fit anyone in the room it was him and he felt anything but awkward about any of it. Which for someone like Alex was strange as hell

"Um, we're gonna take the next one," she mumbled. She almost hated herself for making such a petty excuse. Just a week before she would have made up believable excuses to see her. Their very different specialties didn't give them a lot of opportunity to interact. Now, she was more grateful for that than ever. Today she all but choked on the tension. Letting the elevator doors come to a close, she caught Karev's eyes on her. There was a good chance it was simply wishful thinking. Until the week before, he had no reason to look at her like she was probably imagining. Whether or not it was true, April felt herself flush just as they disappeared behind the stainless steel wall.

"Oh...Okay." Alex was caught between wanting to laugh at and feel bad for Riggs. Sure he'd been around when shit hit the fan but he was new to just how screwed up everything around here seemed to get.

When silence returned, there was no mistaking the dejected expression on her face. "Yeah well, maybe next time, be a little more specific." How the hell was that even possible? Crap like that should be a given. He made a mental note to keep from telling Robbins anything remotely personal from here on out. Get the woman excited enough about something and she made it her personal mission to see it through, no matter who she shot in the process.

"Remind me next time you're having a kid to put it on a billboard," he muttered. The blonde turned a ready glare in his direction. She had yet to learn that unless he knew he'd done wrong, those looks did absolutely nothing in the way of discipline. He answered her with a lazy smirk, the sight of which made her punch the button harder. "Breaking the button isn't gonna make this thing run any faster. We'll just end up stuck here. No offense but you're not exactly good company right now."

"The irony is astonishing," Arizona muttered.

"We're not going to go through my entire history of crap just so you can make a point."

"You know, I'm really starting to miss the days I used to be able to punish you by kicking me off my service..."

"You'd be lost as hell without me," he pointed out.

"I made it just fine without you before, Alex. Don't think I wouldn't be able to do it again." Knowing how well-respected he was as a surgeon, he caught onto her unspoken frustration and shrugged despite the threat.

"Whatever."

* * *

"So you came to Seattle for some sun," Jackson concluded reasonably. Regardless of the current mess in his personal life, his mother was the last person he wanted to see. Her attempt to make situations "better", only ever resulted in more need for damage control than he had time for. Even the act of taking the walkway steps felt like a longer task than usual.

"I came to Seattle for _my_ son. How are things going with April?" Jackson all but sent his eyes in a full circle, the sigh he let spill from his mouth nowhere near as kind as it probably should have been. Visits from Catherine didn't exactly call for niceties. She never even came in with concerns that didn't somehow reflect on the world's perceptions of her. How was that for twisted irony? She was an Avery by choice and she acted as if the role was as good as her birthright. He would have to be a moron to deny his own gravitation toward the name. How both of them went about it though were alarmingly different.

"Why must you meddle in everything?" While everyone else's mom was just happy to see them leave the nest, his seemed to do anything and everything she could think of to remind him that she still had a right to the goings on in his life. Really, she had none but there was virtually nothing he could do about having her keep a healthy distance. _One of many downsides to being an only child._ The older woman scoffed.

"I do believe you went through an entire divorce without me saying one word...Oh Jackson, I just wanna talk to her." Right. Like he hadn't heard that one before. Years ago she'd used those same words to convince him that making sure they had a chance to be together was only her duty as his mother. If her end goal was to see him happy, had she ever considered just leaving well enough alone?

"Nope. Absolutely not." No matter how angry he'd been with April last week, he had enough decency to spare her his meddling mother. He loved his mom but the level of stress she put on him and everyone in this hospital was more than anyone needed.

"Oh come on, honey. Let me help." _Help_ he thought, biting back a hardy laugh while hiding behind an even expression.

"You won't help though, Mom. You only make things worse." It was after words like that he wondered if he ever really hurt her feelings. If so, she was damn good at hiding it behind her blaring confidence. "Now I cannot be any clearer with you about this. No. I don't want you talkin' to April." Even while saying them the words would go in one ear and out the other with her. They almost always did. At the very least, having her track him down so she could tell him all about the surprise visit from his mother might give them at least a minute to talk about what would be done about the baby. "I don't want you bullying her around. I don't want you anywhere near it actually, okay? It's my problem. _My_ business, not yours. Understood?" Catherine gave him a discrete nod while mentally shaking her head. How long before he realized that she was concerned? How much more had to go wrong before he came to the realization that any problems he might have made her a mother who worried about her son? She applauded him for his independence but there were just certain things she knew needed her attention. April and her current pregnancy was one of them. It didn't just reflect on Jackson but the family as a whole and everything they stood for.

* * *

She couldn't remember the last time a shift went by as quickly and as smoothly as this one. Alright so smoothly wasn't exactly right but today had been productive enough that she found herself forgetting for only seconds at a time that there was even a baby. For those momentary lapses she couldn't help but feel extremely guilty. What kind of woman forgot the existence of a life inside her own body? But really it was all just too perfect for words. And by "perfect" she really meant overwhelming as hell. Even so, she remained a firm believer that everything always happened for a reason. Whatever this one was meant to show them, it would have to be impressive. Finding out the day they were meant to be divorced that they'd conceived another child? Nothing could be more backwards than that. A firm believer in the fact that a mother and a father should be together when raising a child was something that had always been a part of her upbringing. Only after leaving home did she realize otherwise. As much as she had come to respect its value, April still had some of her own. One of the strongest was the idea that marriage and creating a family kind of fell hand in hand. In what world did a person's life fall apart and come together simultaneously? Apparently this one. Closing her eyes, she let the smallest smile come across her lips, fingers splayed while they rested across her growing belly, which really hadn't grown very much at all yet.

"So nice and quiet today," she whispered. Funny to think that while her own baby was still and sleeping, the world around her continued on loud and hectic as ever. At least one of them took full advantage of the calm. The trauma surgeon found silence and stillness slightly terrifying. It often gave her too much time to think and overthink absolutely everything. Either that or clean and she'd already done that top to bottom the night before. Work hardly gave her the time to be selfish. The few hours she'd been given she shared with Alex.

She still wasn't over how helpful he had been. There was no denying her disastrous state. It had taken her well over an hour to regain feeling in her legs again. At least that's what he told her when her breathing returned to normal. Before that all she remembered was crying. Crying hard. So much was already going so wrong, even while she scrambled to find the slightest bit of order. Her friend had every right to question all of it. That's what she knew to be familiar. Alex wanted to know the how and the why to all of her less than desirable habits. Sobbing uncontrollably would certainly qualify. In fact she expected as much, even waited for it. But his curiosities stayed quiet. Instead he held her and let her wrap around him so tightly, as though her life depended on it. For someone as organized as April, order was the cornerstone to everything she'd ever done in life. Her relationship with Jackson worked to reshape some of them. A lot of them. All the same, she never knew confusion like this before. Even more heartwarming was the fact that he seemed to genuinely care about every broken word that came out of her mouth. There were a handful of instances when her crying would slow and she could hear the slightest hint of murmuring against her ear. She understood that they were there to keep her calm. And they actually worked for the most part. So much so that she dared to kiss him. The gratitude she let flow through the interaction floated through her entire body until it began quietly humming his name. Usually, she did everything possible to ignore them, even in the presence of her husband. This was a hospital for goodness sake. She'd already seen her share of on call rooms after deciding to lose her virginity, a development her friends found to be unbelievable, even when they celebrated her so-called achievement. She would be naive to think that at least some didn't do it out of mockery. At the very least Cristina had. And somehow, regardless of her strict rule-following ways, she'd asked him to.

More surprising than even that was the fact that he seemed to stand behind it completely, even though he went home to his girlfriend every night. Considering how much the pediatric surgeon had matured over the years, to revert back to his former ways had to mean there was a lot more going on at home than the halls of Grey-Sloan ever saw. She should have enough sense to find it wrong. April should have good enough judgement to realize that the minute they crossed that line, she would play a key role in making Alex a cheater. But at the time, she had none of that. She could blame all the mental fog and emotional exhaustion she wanted but none of it excused what they'd done. She should feel at least a little bit uncomfortable about the whole thing, slightly dirty. But she left her moral compass in the lab that night. And really, what had she done that none of her friends had done time and time again? Nothing. It was really that simple. Alex gave her permission to be selfish. At least for the next few minutes she planned to use it. And use it she did. But minutes soon turned to hours, until his quiet breath warmed the nape of her neck, his arm unconsciously coming around her. For all of her belief in signs, she couldn't help but find protection and promise in an innocent act like that. She wondered if he even knew he'd done it.

Looking back on it, she wondered what in the world possessed her to be so bold. Yes, she found the doctor attractive. There was no real question there. Even after all these years. Now, with her marriage gone to pieces she could do that. But Alex's looks took him many places April would never go. If he was really unravelling, she should have the sense to think of herself as one of many. And she did. For the first ten minutes. After that, she caught his eyes and all the truth in them she knew she wasn't supposed to see. She sank into his hands and the way they took a few measured beats along each part of her body, almost as if looking to memorize her and the experience for another time and place. Really, she should prepare. It was the safest way to go, the only way to go. But she...couldn't. For all her efforts, all of the reality she considered, April just couldn't. She would pay for it later. But right then, they had it. They had each other. And as long as he allowed it, she would take it. Laughing a little she shook her head. This was all just too crazy for words. Downright dramatic actually.

Saving lives didn't much care for a doctor's dramatics. You went where you were needed, especially in trauma. Fantasizing would have to come at another time. Already she was through with three of her five scheduled surgeries. She would be scrubbing into her last one for the next little while in a few minutes. But first, one last look at the board. Just in case...

" You're keeping busy." She barely looked up as the familiar voice of Nathan Riggs approached her. Catching him out of the corner of her eye, she barely managed a slight nod. Busy was all she knew how to be. Factor in the visit and pending lecture she was about to receive from Catherine Avery and she might as well find herself a rock to stay under. To prepare for her, April always found that she had to keep moving. If she saw how busy they were, the conversations would be relatively short and hopefully work related. The redhead smiled a little while she bit her lip. _If only it was that easy._

"I am hiding. Catherine Avery is here apparently and ...I am not in the mood for...In the ER, I'm a sitting duck. But in the OR..." she sighed, suddenly hating herself for wishing people injury and sickness just so she could keep her hands busy. At least in surgery she didn't have to feel too bad. Patients made a plan to be there, even when it was under awful circumstances. Doing her part in fixing what was wrong made everything at least a little bit easier to handle. At least in doing so, she made her difference. If she was fortunate enough to make enough differences, April could go Catherine-free for the day.

"Oh, she can't be that bad," Riggs teased. As new as he was to the dynamics of this hospital, it was no secret that people were supposed to feel that way about their in-laws. He didn't know a single thing about the woman but she was probably nice enough. April's perception was magnified mostly because it had to be.

"No, she's worse than bad. She can be terrifying. Like a hurricane. When she hits, you do not want to be in her wake." Even while he nodded, he let the slightest smirk cross his lips. All he could get from that was that the lady was some variation of monster-in-law. Not at all surprising to him. Catherine was probably up there in age and very much set in her ways. It wasn't necessarily the worst thing.

"Well you can't avoid her forever. Not when she's about to become Hurricane Granny," he mused. Frazzled nerves aside, April found herself trying not to laugh at the name. Not only was it funny but more accurate than it should be. Pivoting from the board, she sighed.

"Maybe not but...I can avoid her for now. You ready? My first surgery's with you." _Two more lives to change_ she thought. Feeling the slight pull of guilt, she let herself hope that they would run long enough to stay out of the path of the inevitable storm approaching.

Not until she shuffled into the attending lounge did she realize how long it had been since she had a chance to sit down. The minute she did, her body felt at least fifteen pounds heavier. Drawing a long breath, she pulled her phone from her pocket, intent on checking it for messages. When she saw nothing, she was ready to let it slip back into her pocket but thought better. Turning on the display, she scrolled through her contacts, letting the highlighter stay on Alex's name for a full minute before opening a new message.

 _Hi_

One word, one click and it was off. Reading it over again, she covered her face with embarrassment. "HI"? Was that really the best she could come up with? Conversations started like that for people who were just...well, a lot less than they had been. She still didn't have the slightest clue what to call the whole experience. Amazing? Yes. Eye-opening? At the very least she thought it was. But that gave her no indication of a possible label. Not that she believed in the idea of labeling. But Alex Karev was not her boyfriend. Despite the fact that it only happened once—alright maybe three times—he wasn't what she would call a convenience either. Yes he had been there. And yes, he had been beyond wonderful but after all the tears, there was this sense of peace she'd been missing for well over a year and a half. A calm she was certain only he knew how to provide for her. She wasn't quite sure how she knew that but she did. Alex was...Alex. The only man willing to give her the time and attention Jackson had been lacking for months. She knew well enough that it was her fault but that didn't take away from the fact that it was nice to be someone's priority Even if it was long gone by morning.

 _Hey, I've been stuck at Mer's house all day. The only one I've had in months. She's making us clean_.

Simple. Nothing life-changing but that was okay. The fact that they could shift between deep and thought-provoking and light said a lot of things. Even though she knew it meant nothing, April found herself smiling; the mental image of Alex sporting bleach and scrub brushes quite enjoyable.

 _You're cleaning?_

If living with him taught her anything it was that Alex Karev was the last person to be concerned with cleanliness. How he'd been roped into using soap and water she had no idea. This was the same guy who sometimes got away with wearing the same pair of scrubs for three days, believing that the fact that if it was free of stains and didn't smell like sweat, it was "clean".

 _Uhhh no. More like watching them go back and forth about how to work the steamer. Sure beats Shepherd and Pierce comparing notes about the dudes they're sleeping with._

Despite herself, the surgeon allowed the image of his face to take shape in her head. On it she pictured the look of impatience they all knew too well. Something about the described scene entertained her a little. Along with the sound of approaching footsteps, Alex went up in a cloud of smoke. Rolling her lip, she swallowed hard. She hadn't even said a word yet. Not that she had to. An Avery presence alone was enough to call the attention of the most crowded room.

"When I was pregnant with Jackson, a three hour surgery felt like twelve." _Oh, she's here to talk about the baby_. Either way she would have. But something about how this conversation started left her with the feeling that maybe they would be able to discuss it without all the drama. _Without her having to make our business her business._

"Hi Catherine um, I actually don't really have much time cause I have another surgery really soon." Okay so maybe she didn't have to leave _right_ now but she wouldn't know that. Not unless she'd seen the board. It also helped that the doctor was one of the worst liars ever. Her voice didn't shake with uncertainty anymore but she still managed to hesitate. Add the fact that Catherine was freakishly observant and well...she was pretty much screwed.

"Oh baby please, sit back down. Come on. I know you're tired, it's okay. Come on." She couldn't turn that down even if she wanted to. Standing for hours and pregnant made her feet good as hot air balloons. The doctor sighed with a hesitant smile.

"Some nights my feet were so swollen I was physically unable to even take my sneakers off. A few times I slept in the damn things." She knew better than to assume he hadn't told his mother. He played cat and mouse with her all the time but at the end of the day, the woman was still his mother. Just as much as he was the father to this baby. Only the smallest part of her wished she could go on keeping this to herself. The more people who got word of it, the more they would worry. Alex knowing was necessary. Arizona too, though now she was kind of regretting that. They had to be around in case anything happened to...But she really didn't need the entire hospital knowing about a child she might not even be able to...Instantly, she shook her head, recalling the late night conversation that always seemed to help her keep her head. When Alex dared to be positive, it spoke volumes to how much he really believed it...believed her. _There's nothing wrong...There_ 's _nothing...wrong._

"I...I guess you talked to Jackson?" she asked quietly, suddenly at ease when the woman took a seat beside her.

"Oh, let's not talk about him," she said, dismissing her son entirely. "I wanna know about _you_. How many weeks is it now?" April felt that soft familiar smile take shape on her mouth again, chuckling quietly.

"I..." she hesitated; leaving anything else she might have said to disappear, caught in the back of her throat. Only now did she realize how hard it really was to talk about. Not that she didn't trust Catherine because she did. But she'd only been given a summary of everything that contributed to her silence.

"It's okay. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I understand. I'll go," she offered already standing to leave. Turning slowly she opened her mouth once more, hoping that something resembling words would come out.

"Thirteen," she smiled, her chest becoming warm just thinking about it. "I'm c-coming up on thirteen." That was easier than she thought it would be. If anything discussing it with someone who had actually _done it_ left her lighter. Catherine was always wonderful when it came to advice. Hopefully she had some now.

"Morning sickness?" The doctor shook her head. She knew it was rare to have it this easy but it made shifts at the hospital much easier to manage. Hopefully discussing it wouldn't jinx her.

"Um, no. I've actually been really lucky with that so far."

"You are lucky. I couldn't stop being sick. I thought I was coming down with the stomach flu or something. Took a whole week for me to realize I was having a baby. It was a shock." Shock was putting it mildly. Since the divorce her life felt like a line of dominoes. It never felt like just one thing anymore. If she was being completely honest, her entire life had been a game of dominoes. She'd find herself freaking out over every single one that took her over the edge but this...This was a brand new game. The rules were different now. Stress was a primary part of her job. One of the few things that kept her from becoming unbearably difficult for those around her. But the hours and effort couldn't take her to her breaking point. That spelled problems for not just her but the baby kept safe inside. At the very least, Catherine managed to keep her from getting too far into her head.

"Yes...It's definitely startling. Yeah the morning that the test turned positive I couldn't believe I had to turn around and keep it together that day." As hard as she tried, there was no shaking the timeline of the day her world was turned upside down. After everything she'd done to try and keep them together, it really didn't mean a damn thing. As much as he poured his heart out in the barn, none of it seemed to matter anymore. As much as she blamed herself for letting it fall apart, there was still the smallest piece that wondered if staying would have made a difference. Knowing where she'd been mentally, the answer was an easy "no". No matter how much she wished she'd been here to help him, her heart was somewhere else. Even now. Which made what was once a gut-wrenching decision something she could learn to accept. All she had ever really wanted was to see Jackson be happy. April never thought herself to be the reason for it but now that she knew what it felt like...a part of her would always wonder.

"I bet."

"I was already so emotional. But I was not going to cry in that lawyer's office. So..." She let the last of her words fall away, glad to at least get that off her chest.

"Oh honey...You mean you found out the same day you signed the divorce papers?" _Always the dominoes..._

Yeah it was a rough day," she said sadly. "I just sat there listening to those lawyers but all I could think about how I just...I just...I needed time to...think. Process." Having to worry about the paperwork and everything else that would take her down emotionally made giving herself time that much harder. It didn't help that every time she saw him she was left with a flood of memories. Wounds were still fresh making the past so much more tangible. She knew there would come a day where she would be lucky enough to feel indifferent to them but that would take time. A lot of time.

"I would've done the exact same thing. Sweetheart...No matter what happens..." From then on she found herself nodding appropriately, though she'd lost track of the actual conversation. Having to explain it to Catherine opened up so much room for doubt. She knew that statistics. As healthy as the baby was now, it was still too early. She knew the statistics. One child born with osteogenesis left the door wide open for anyone else that followed. Not to mention all the other ways things could go horribly wrong.

" _It's just a precaution_." A good solid echo in her head that did its best to calm her nerves. _You're going to be just fine_ she thought. No matter how different this felt, how much hope she had in a good outcome, things had a tendency to bite her in the ass when she wasn't paying close enough attention. Teeth seemed even sharper when it happened right in front of her.

* * *

"Hey, I just had the most unexpected conversation with your mother." As much as she was dreading the visit from Catherine, it turned out a lot better than she expected. The fact that she refrained from offering any of her famous advice was much appreciated. A nice change after years of her "suggestions".

"Dammit, I told her not to say anything. Just..." Jackson shook his head. Why the hell was it so hard to just let something rest? For all he knew his mother had a book of methods and techniques to try to get them talking again. Hell, she probably even had a few therapists in mind. Not that he believed in them at all. He wasn't even sure that she did. Her demand to be right even when wrong told him that she hadn't spent more than a minute in one of those.

"No, no, no. It's fine. It was really nice actually. Maybe we could find a time to talk. Sometime soon, just the two of us?" He had to wonder how April chose to define "really nice". Overbearing and demanding was hardly anything a sane person would call nice.

"I'd like that." And yet somehow, here they were making dinner plans. Not that they worked out all that well for them previously but at the very least, the hardest part was behind them. He had to hope so. Jackson didn't know if he could survive another loss like Samuel. As much as his death broke him, having to live it again would leave him irreparable.

"Great." He found himself watching her as she became smaller and smaller on her way down the hall. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that they were actually managing civil conversation or something else completely. He wasn't ready to put his money on civil just yet. One day wasn't enough to call this a shift in mood. Tomorrow they could be back at each other's throats again over the same stupid crap and this moment wouldn't even mean anything.

* * *

Stepping away from the nurse's station, he heard his mom's unmistakable stride. Turning to them, he had a thank you ready and waiting. To say he expected an outcome like this would be a lie. His mom was a gail force wind tearing through everything she could find until she got exactly what she came for. Today the winds had been calm. She had actually been helpful. Those rare moments were few and far between.

"Jackson, your mother and I are headed to dinner. Care to join?"

You know what? I can't. Thanks though. Mom, can I talk to you for a second?" Even after sure the former chief was out of earshot, he instinctively lowered his voice. "I told you not to talk to April, right?"

"I know," she said.

"Yet you did anyway."

"I know that too." He could already hear the makings of a smile in her voice. Already she felt like she'd won something...proven something or somebody else wrong.

"You know, as hard as it is for me to say this to you, thank you. It seems like it was...a good thing. Like you were right." No matter how little he found himself willing to say it, the words sat comfortably in his mouth, like he was meant to say them every day Were mother's _built_ to feel like they would never fail?

"Yes, I was." Regardless of earlier reservations about her reason for being here, he smiled. "I got everything we need." And just like that the smile lost shape, turning on its head to help form a look of absolute confusion.

"Need?"

"What she knew, when she knew it, whom she spoke to and when. I needed to confirm that she withheld information from you when she was signing those divorce papers. That she legally committed fraud and she did. And now, we can go back to her." She wanted to bring the law into this? Suddenly all the earlier warm and fuzzies he'd been feeling evaporated, anger in their place.

"Mom wait. What the hell are you trying to do here?" he asked taking hold of her arm. Catherine met him with knowing eyes, even while the expression held something else too. Forgiveness. Where and why would he need that?

"I'm only doing right by the law, Jackson. She kept the truth from you, for weeks. That's as good as lying. You have your rights as the baby's father. I'm only here to make sure you get them." The truth was out, uglier than he'd ever seen it before. His mother had done some questionable things in the past, some of them unforgivable but this? This was too far.

"Get them? I _have_ them. We may be divorced Ma but the reasons for that are _ours_. And because they're _ours_ I can tell you this. April can't keep me from my kid. Not only that but she wouldn't. She's not that kind of person. Look, you don't even live here so you miss a lot and people just end up giving you loose ends. Not that they should be doing that in the first place but that's not the point here. What I'm saying is, you are in no way bringing suits in to solve _our_ problems. I had to find out through Robbins that she was even pregnant but at the end of the day it doesn't even matter. The people who need to know there's a baby know there's a baby. We still have some work to do on us if we want to give this kid a decent life but we're getting there. We're getting somewhere. I don't need you sticking your nose in things just to hurry along the process."

"Baby, are you even hearing yourself? You handled a divorce all by yourself. A very painful one filled with enough grief for a lifetime. And look at how well that's going. You have so much on your plate. This hospital is your priority. Your job and making sure you keep it amidst all the problems in your personal life is your priority. Seeing as you've taken a step back from the foundation, outright refuse to be associated with it, let me handle it." Jackson felt his eyes go wide, his chest suddenly tight with anger.

" _That's_ what this is about? The damn foundation?" he said, not even bothering to hide the surprise. Because really, there hadn't been any surprise at all. A visit was never just a visit for Catherine Avery. She came in looking for answers to something, happy to leave when she got them. "What the hell could April "withholding information" possibly do with the freaking company?"

"As if you don't know. We discussed this when you two were married. We have to prepare for incoming members. The sooner the better. We've already lost valuable time. Time you could spend getting to know your child instead of tearing at his mother's throat."

"Prepare? Mom, the kid's not even _born_ yet. What do you expect me to do? Read him company contracts in the womb?"

"Yes Jackson, that's exactly what I'd like you to do," she said deadpanned. "Honestly, how stupid do you think I am?"

"More than I ever thought actually...This is by _far_ the stupidest thing you've done." The older woman rolled her lip waiting with stretched patience.

"I'm not too sure about that. Between the two of us, I'm sure you take first prize..." The plastic surgeon raised a brow. Since when was any of this his doing?

"Alright, now you really lost me."

"As much as I insisted she sign that agreement, you pretty well burned it the minute I turned my back."

"So let me see if I have this right. You're mad that she didn't sign a contract that said she wasn't allowed to take any of the company's money. Correct me if I have it wrong but I'm pretty freaking sure she didn't want to come anywhere near it."

"Well really, that's only part of it," she mumbled. Jackson rolled his eyes. He couldn't even believe they were talking about this. About any of it.

"You're not making any damn sense right now, Mom! When she married me, she married _me_ not the money I came with. I disagree with most if not everything she stands for to some degree." Catherine blinked, trying to make sense of the words to leave her son's mouth. "And before you say anything yes, I know it sets up for a crappy marriage. We learned that and we're doing our best to come back from it. We're doing our damn best to come back from...everything. How we go about it and when we go about it has nothing to do with you or your precious company."

" _My_ company? _My_ company put you in charge of an entire hospital. A hospital that is doing tremendous things under your fantastic leadership. Whether you like it or not, you were _born_ to do this, Jackson. You were born an Avery. The blood and its opportunities are inescapable. If you would just stop running long enough to see that..."

"What could you possibly want with April's money? You realize that if you take this to court she could lose her _job_ , her _license_. And for what? Just so you can make the most of your stupid power trip? I'm going to say this one more time and then never again. "Stay the hell away from April. Keep yourself and your money as far away from my baby as possible. And you know what? I really don't care who your husband is or the fact that he built this place with his own two hands. _I_ brought it back from nothing. Money was only part of it. The rest is dedication and commitment. Reliability. A person's ability to _listen_ to the people around them. Something you haven't figured out and likely never will. I will be there for my _child_. I will _listen_ to my child. Unless you can honestly tell me you have or even plan to try it, get the hell out of my hospital. The only time I ever want to see you is if Richard's had another heart attack. Other than that, stay the hell away from me." Before Catherine could utter another word, Jackson had already turned his attention elsewhere.

From where she stood in the shadows, April remained slack-jawed. She wasn't even sure what she found most surprising. The fact that she'd been pumped for information and was likely about to be sued for every penny she had to her name or the conviction in Jackson's voice as he came to her defense and in so doing tarnishing his relationship with his mother. All of it seemed to come crashing in on her. _Dominoes_. Much like the tiny pieces of polished stone, she could feel her legs begin to tremble as they struggled to keep from giving out under her. Letting most of her weight impress upon the wall behind her, she let the structure hold her as she found a place on the floor, head already between her knees while she breathed heavily. The vibration of her phone startled her, clammy hands taking it out of her pockets as they shook

 _Alex_. She'd never been so happy to see that come across her display. No, he couldn't do much for her, if anything. But to know that he was reachable, that he would listen while she spun circles around him with flustered words...That was all the comfort she really needed.

"Hi..." she whispered, trying hard to keep her tone as even as possible.

"Hey...Just thought I'd...Idunno check in I guess. I've been waiting on the pizza guy for twenty freaking minutes and—" He stopped, trying to make sense of the silence. He'd been told already that silence was nice but...silence for them was light conversation. Something that took them away from all the crap piling up in their lives. And yeah, he had been the one to open his mouth but, April was never a heavy breather. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah...I'm fine," she said, trying hard to smile, if only to convince him of just how fine she was. "It's just...been a long day. Lots of running around."

"Right," he offered, even though both of them knew her breathing patterns told him she was anything but fine. From where he stood, that sounded good enough to predict a panic attack, if she hadn't already had one. "Head between your knees," he said softly. She was kind of glad he wasn't here to see April roll her eyes at him. Annoyed or not, he was just trying to be helpful. Not that she needed it. After a day like today though, effort counted for a lot. She'd just finished watching it with her own eyes. The chances he would stick to all of his proclamations was questionable given their situation but...at least for the moment she had to believe that he was actually telling some version of the truth. "Wanna fill me in? Or would you rather I just head over?"

"I ummm...I don't know," she whispered, hating her brain for giving her those words to use. She did know. Whatever it was with Meredith that kept him there the entire day certainly took priority. "Actually, no you...You go ahead and stay. I'll be okay."

"Freaking out so bad you can't breathe is a long way from okay," he pointed out.

"I know I just...You stay there. If you just...stay on the phone for a little while...Just until it all comes back..."

"Until what comes back?"

"Nevermind. I'm actually feeling better. Today's just been a lot..." Alex sighed. He had three options. Go inside and listen to them bitch. He could wait for the pizza guy. Or he could go hunt down Kepner and find out what the hell was going on. Fishing for his keys, he started down the driveway. Sending a quick text to Meredith telling her he'd been called into the hospital but that the pizza was on its way, he made his own way toward the hospital. Even if nothing came of it, at least he could get her home.

"Where?" April groaned. This was the _last_ thing she needed after a day already so full of interrogation.

"Nurse's station...Actually kind of off to the side. Against the wall that leads down the hall...Alex, this is so unnecessary," she sighed. "I'm okay. Honestly. I've had these since I was nine. They come and they go and that's it."

"Well I got paged so..."

"Oh...well, go find out about your patient first. I'll...explain everything after." Explain what? Crap, take a day off to get his freaking hair braided and shit happens. She considered for a moment if telling him about today's conversations would really do anything. Neither of them had anything to do with him. If she was being completely fair, they weren't even talking about April herself. All of the spotlight fell on an unborn child, his size so small that she didn't even look pregnant yet.

"Ummm...There's a very good chance I could lose my job," she confessed. Somehow, despite her better efforts to refocus energy, her career was right then her biggest concern. All the bickering aside, she had yet to understand what she would even take to a judge. She'd never been sued for malpractice (even though she had been a member of the team that took Gary Clarke's wife off life support) so the hospital's stellar reputation was still in its rightful place. She was no longer hiding the fact that she was with child... She stilled, the conversation between the three of them not too long ago coming back to her.

Even before birth her child's career was readily decided. By twelve he would be sitting in on various budget meetings and discussions of policy. Not that he would have a clue what any of it meant. Come sophomore year he would be participating in the damn thing. Short of having a motivating award that showcased surgical excellence, there was very little about the business that said as much to anybody else. No. If she had any say in it at all, her child would have no part in it. Letting the last of her determined thoughts linger, her breath caught once more. Was _the_ reason for all of this crap? Was the woman so set on making sure every Avery knew their importance that input as the child's mother became irrelevant? Was she so worried that she would deny this baby half of him or herself that she had to have it court ordered.

"What? What the fuck did you do this time?" he grumbled. Seeing as she'd been fired on her very first day, assumption like that was expected, even from those she'd known for years.

"It's Catherine," she clarified, in no mood to dance around this.

"Yeah, I saw her on my way out. What about her? What the hell is she after now?"

"To put it simply, she's probably after my baby." No need to go into finer details yet. He would be here soon enough.

"She's joking, right? She can't touch your kid," he grumbled, frustration already building in his chest. "Hold that thought. I'm parked and on my way in." She only managed to nod stupidly before he disconnected.

Less than five minutes later his silhouetted figure was already approaching. Even with no intention to allow herself the feeling, April felt her chest suddenly surge at the sight of him. Why that was, she still couldn't quite answer. Alex hadn't even _done_ anything. For now the best reasoning she could find was calm. Her limbs had slowed to a steady pulse now, the vibrating stopped at least for now.

"Hi," she greeted softly, suddenly not so sure of her words.

"Yeah hi. Stand up." April blinked. Did he really think she was going to spend the next hour explaining this mess from the floor?

"Where are we going?" Taking her gently by her shoulders, Alex lead them both in the direction of the closest bank of on call rooms. He personally preferred the ones that branched off pediatrics but whatever. A room was a room. One that had a bed on the off chance Kepner decided to pile up on the floor. Easing open a door already left ajar, he kicked it closed with his foot as he nodded over toward the bunk.

"Go lay down," he muttered. The redhead's eyes narrowed at his request. If anything it didn't sound anything like a request.

"I'm not a dog, Karev." Easily ignoring her, he swung her legs over onto his own lap freeing her of her shoes and socks. Still fully aware of his attitude she opened her mouth looking to do some demanding of her own. Instead all she managed was a contented sigh while wiggling her freed toes. "They're balloons," she pouted. It took Alex putting them on a bit of an incline to realize just how much she'd been on them today and just how much they hurt.

"So what's the deal with Avery?" he asked starting slow circles with his thumb along the top. What did he say that had you completely bugged out?" Normally he didn't give a damn who did what to who but panics that grabbed his attention."

"Well, I'm not sure if it's really something he did...It's more along the lines of something he said. He...He defended me to Catherine. She's worried that I'm going to den's ay this child the full Avery experience. "Alex scowled. "Yeah...my thoughts exactly when I first heard..." After giving him the highlights of both the history and the night's explosive end, Alex was ready to laugh. At all of it.

"You get that she doesn't have a leg to stand on, right?" April nodded. "You're this kid's mom. Bitchy grams doesn't exactly get a lot of say. She's probably gunning for it anyway because it's her only grandkid but the whole idea is just crap. The Harper Avery will thrive with or without your kid's contribution. If she really believes so much in the idea that it helps them understand the world better, there's always the animal shelter or whatever. They don't need to understand how taxes work in the fifth grade..."

"I just don't want them growing up with the belief that things just happen for them," she said softly.

"The make them get a job. Teach 'em to make their own money. There's an easy enough solution to every part of this stupid plan. And the fact that they're so easy to see just says everything there is to say about this supposed case. Catherine can't hold any of it up in front of a judge.

"I know...But at the same time I kind of get it..." Alex quirked his brow. "Behind all the zeroes and suits...I think some of us forget that this is a family business. She probably just wants to keep it as close as she can."

"Well whatever she _thinks_ is going to work is just going to end up blowing up in her face. I'll probably come just to watch that," he mused.

"Alex!" she scolded, even as a laugh bubbled out of her.

"Admit it'd be cool to see matter spread out _everywhere_." Highly unlikely that anyone would be that thoughtless but the concept was nice to entertain. Especially considering her current frustration toward the woman.

"You're awful," she breathed.

"We've been over this before. I don't have time for bullshit. Every Avery has at least one pointed object shoved up there. It's not up to you to try and pull it out. You just do what works for you. "

"When you say it like that it sounds so simple," she groaned.

"Yeah, and I say it because now that it's all over, you're gonna go home and you're gonna think about it and think about it and think about it until I scream at you to stop. Save the brain power for tomorrow's mystery case."

"How do you know if there's—" Anyway she might have ended that sentence was now tucked in snuggly against his lips, the familiarity of them something she didn't even think she had yet.

"That's not..." she breathed when finally he pulled away.

"...very nice," he finished. "Heard it all before. I came over here to help you relax and stuff. You running around in your head just ruins all the great stuff I'm doing," he mumbled. In her own defense, she hadn't even expected to see him at all today.

"How's Meredith?" she asked wondering what exactly kept his hands tied well into the night.

"Already told you, she went all clean freak. The house smells like she spilled antiseptic all over the place." April cringed at the image, the familiar smell making its way to her senses making her grimace.

"No offense or anything."

"None taken...I think."

"It's just not her thing, you know?" The doctor nodded, already wondering what was strong enough to convince her to break pattern.

"I understand," she whispered. "This whole Derek being dead thing is really starting to piss me off. She's so much..bitchier about everything," he sighed.

"Well we have to remember that she's grieving the loss of her husband," she pointed out. As the pain recedes so does the sharp edge..." From the way she sounded, April spoke from experience.

"And I believe that, I do. I just wish he didn't leave her so angry...You know, times like this I really miss Yang. She was way better at this person crap than I am," he grumbled finding a place to rest his head alongside her.

"I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job. If my opinion counts for much of anything, you are a wonderful person Alex."

"Sure."

"I'm serious. I told you more than a few times to leave well enough alone, that you didn't have to be here. And what do you do? You show up anyway."

"I have a patient," he countered.

"Yeah...And I'm sure whoever she is, she's very glad you came," she smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

Making her way into the pit, April still couldn't quite wrap her mind around what she walked in on days before. She hadn't meant to listen, let alone find her way in that general direction but voices had a way of carrying through the halls of Grey-Sloan. She just didn't expect that voice to belong to Jackson. Catherine had a tendency to monopolize every conversation she had with her son. And as a man raised to respect his mother, she knew him to take in her every word with silence, even when he didn't agree. This time was quite different though and despite the ongoing tension between them, she found a soft smile for him. Pulling up behind the curtain, she let her expression fall neutral again as she read over the chart.

"So you are fourteen. Umm…Are your parents here? Who brought you?"

"I took the bus. Is this gonna take long? I have to get back for my history test," she said offering a short round of coughs. The doctor raised a careful brow, looking over the paperwork for any possible gaps in information. Seeing none, she blinked.

"Um, well, I mean, it kind of just sounds like a cold." As simple a diagnosis as it was, the teenager wouldn't be the first patient to seek medical attention that wasn't necessary. Though a lot of the time those people came in search of drugs.

"I-I know, but it's just…M-my stomach just hurts when I cough…or sneeze …or move sometimes." For only a moment April couldn't help hearing a girl who was fishing for excuses that might potentially get her out of school; in this case as far away from her history test as possible.

"Okay. Let's take a look. Can you lean back? Can you lift up your shirt for me?" After she snapped on fresh gloves, her hands came to rest on her stomach, fully prepared for a general exam. Whether or not they were excuses, she had a responsibility as a physician to treat and make better.

"Also, I-I'm pregnant." The surgeon bit her lip, now fully aware of the rounded shape of the young girl's abdomen. _Well that certainly changes things_ she thought. _Could've lead with that._

"Okay, you buried the lead there. Um, page OB," she called to an intern in close range. Already she could tell that this was going to get a lot more complicated than your everyday cold. And it was really only the beginning of what she could sense would be a very long day.

* * *

Jackson tried hard to keep his eyes in his own head as Catherine prattled on. Despite being banished from ever setting foot in the hospital (which even he knew couldn't stand forever), he'd completely forgotten that phones were equally as effective. They were also easier when it came to cutting people off but she would just call back until he caved and answered her call. What started off as her usual persistence was quickly becoming today's biggest annoyance. Days before he thanked her for going against his request. Today she seemed to be taking that small piece of gratitude and stretching it for all it was worth. Not that he even stayed grateful for very long.

Their parting had been explosive to say the least, more so on his part but the result was still the same. It was one thing to take his side as his mother. What didn't make one bit of sense to him was how she managed to make assumptions about April that even on his worst day Jackson knew weren't true. He had yet to find the words he would need to eventually forgive her for keeping such a secret. The problem was, he had no idea what those words would be. But that didn't give Catherine an invitation to pointing a finger in business that wasn't hers to solve. The doctor felt he would be retired before she knew how to keep to her own problems. Then again, he didn't exactly put a stop to it himself. But ending her intrusive tendencies (or at the very least trying to) was always easier said than done. Proof was right here in the conversation he was holding twenty minutes later, his ear warm to the touch.

"I don't understand. You haven't called back any of the family law attorneys that I recommended." What about that was so hard to understand? He simply wasn't going to do it. The so-called evidence she collected wasn't even strong enough to hold up in something as meaningless as student court. How was she going to stand April up in a freaking courtroom? So far as he could tell no court in their right minds would give his mother what she so desperately wanted. With the intention to interrupt, he opened his mouth, words settling on his tongue. Hopefully after this it would be at least a full day before she poked at him again.

"Ma, I really gotta prep this nasal reconstruction," he finally said, his voice sounding strangely out of place for a minute. The silence he often kept in her presence always came apart like shattered glass. Not that she paid a lot of attention to the pieces left on the floor.

"Oh, well. We have choices. Money is no object. My baby needs a lawyer, and I'm gonna get you the best." No, he didn't need a lawyer. What the doctor needed was for this call to end so he could go back to doing what the hospital paid him to do. There was no money coming in to account for the minutes spent being treated like he was no more than five. He wondered if society would eventually take into consideration the existence of meddling mothers. Even the smallest compensation would be incentive enough to drag himself through these conversations.

"Oh, I'm done having this conversation," he mumbled knowing by the breath in her voice that she was nowhere near finished.

"Reynolds is hard to get a sit-down with but you're an Avery and that oughta get us a phone call." He had to fight to keep from laughing at the entire situation. It seemed the name got them almost anywhere. Knowing that, Catherine was all too prepared to use it. Unlike him, she found no shame in milking it for all the opportunity it supposedly gave them.

"I'm not sure I wanna "Avery" this," he sighed. Despite knowing how much he hated it, she had a way of hanging it over his head anyway. Part of her was waiting for a change of heart that wasn't necessarily going to come. From what he could tell, Avery legacy only got things handed to him. His mother wasn't exactly out to make friends but as someone who was forced into a position of leadership, he did his best to keep people happy. His mother's intentions were just going to bring about a snowball effect. Or maybe after realizing it wouldn't hold up in the face of the law she would just drop it. Wishful thinking. No matter how much he wished otherwise, Catherine hung on with teeth and claws even when she was wrong. Some would call it dedication. At this point he wasn't even sure what to call it anymore.

"Oh yes you do. You want to "Avery" this." Already his finger was hovering over the disconnect, her insistence bringing anger forward.

"Mother! I've already asked you to stay away from the hospital. Please don't make it so I have to ban phone calls too," he sighed, coming down slowly from his initial boiling point. "This is not like last time. Keep your claws out of this. It does not and has never concerned you. This is me and April. Just like everything else in the last year has been. I love you, Ma but this…This has to stop. You can't walk around thinking you can micromanage every single—"

"I do no such thing," Catherine muttered. Offering a shallow sigh through the mouth piece, the surgeon shook his head.

"Well, I don't know what you call it but—"

"It's called concern, Jackson. As your mother it is my responsibility to—"

"It's called control," he shot back. "This thing you do, it's called control. Since I was a kid every little thing had to go according to you. I'm actually surprised you didn't screen the guys I hung out with to see if their families could keep up," he grumbled.

"What the hell does that have to do with—?" For a person so good at her own surgical craft (if you could call handling a person's plumbing everyday a craft), his mother seemed to have no idea how much she excelled in the invasion of privacy.

"When I was five you stuck me in a private school I hated because you convinced me that it would be good for me. Really at the end of the day it was good for _you_. Putting me through that school made me look smart. It made you look like the perfect mother."

"And I was right, as usual. Starting you off early got you ahead of other kids your age. It got you into a good university; one of the best intern programs in the country…"

"Mom! We're getting way off track here. The point of any of this is I'm not throwing my name around just to get you a lawyer," he snapped.

"None of this is for me, baby. I just want to be sure that you have your rights as this baby's father." The doctor couldn't help but roll his eyes. He wondered if sometimes she had any concept of the things she let come out of her mouth. "Rights that April blatantly kept from you for weeks."

"Enough about April! She isn't a part of this conversation. This conversation is you and me and I'm telling you—nicely—to keep yourself out." If he was going to do anything about his ex-wife it was going to come from a solution that actually stood on its own. "You're convinced I'm man enough to run a hospital. How the hell is my marriage any different?"

"I only want what's best for you, Jackson. When this baby comes you'll understand why I do the things that I do. When you can start accepting it as help and not a blow to your ridiculously inflated ego, we won't have to have talks like this one."

"My ego is just fine, thanks," he mumbled. Actually, that was a lie. His ego was damn near demolished now. Nothing like your mom insisting on taking the driver's eat in your own freaking life to shrink you down to practically zero.

"April has the power. All the power. You better get some power." _Not that you leave any of it for the rest of us_ he thought bitterly. Before his mother could offer another word he hung up. If she really insisted on continuing her tirade regardless of newly set boundaries, he would have to consider extremes he really didn't want to.

* * *

 _Fourteen and pregnant_ she thought. In what world did that make any logical sense? Suddenly she didn't feel so stupid for waiting as long as she did to have sex. While all of her friends found it to be an easy subject to poke fun at, at least she knew the possible risks. At least she married the man she gave herself to. Not that it lasted for more than a minute but she had given herself to someone she cared about deeply. That was the startling difference she wished so many young mothers understood. But at the same time she wasn't at all blind to what a rush of hormones could convince a girl she was capable of.

 _Alex_. All at once thoughts of him made her insides flutter. This time though, she wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or exhilaration that found her. There was also the chance that this could be the morning sickness she was so pleased to be avoiding. Whatever it was, April had to keep from shuffling back and doubling over on herself. Her patient (who she now knew preferred to be called Jenny) looked calmer than she should be. April herself would feel more at ease if she could just make sense of where to find the young girl's parents. The teen had yet to even mention them no matter how many times she was brought up in question.

This was a baby having a baby with no support in sight. Thinking about the small life taking shape inside herself, April couldn't help but feel completely heartbroken for her. All of these missed opportunities already falling apart right in front of her. She doubted these losses even registered for her but they would eventually. And once they did, she would be left with nothing more than regret. If a grown woman herself was fighting the daily flood, she could only imagine the impact it would have on Jenny when her world came into focus.

"How long have you been feeling pain?"

"Since like…6am."

"Who's your doctor?" she asked, already seeing the answer take shape in her eyes before she even spoke.

"You?" The fact that this was the first time she'd been to see a doctor wasn't exactly shocking. There was only so much hiding a person could do before they were forced into a corner. Catching her own words, the woman shook her head. This was an issue in a completely different realm than her own. She was hiding to protect. Jenny was clearly hiding out of fear. No matter how validated an emotion, a parent to a child this young had every right to know.

"Have you been getting any prenatal care at all?" When nothing filled the silence, April sighed. If she was in fact the girl's first visit to a real doctor, necessary vitamins likely never occurred to her. Part-way through her own mental monologue, the teenager shot up on the table, her frantic gaze doing everything it could to avoid what April couldn't see with her back turned.

"Oh my god. That's my mom! What is she doing here? You called her?!" The doctor had to keep from instinctively shaking her head in quick denial of the claim.

"No. No I didn't but—"

"She can't know."

"What?" As much as she disagreed, every bit of information she gave kind of pointed in that general direction. Teenagers were masters at the art of deception. She knew that, though not exactly on firsthand experience.

"She doesn't know I'm pregnant. You can't tell her. Please!" At a young age she was recruited as a trusted cover up for the three sisters brave enough to scale the side of the house to take moonlit adventures through the fields. Today there were no moonlit fields but the expectation was the same. No matter her age she would never know how to lie. _Except for when it cunts_ she thought. At least, that was the hope she held onto.

* * *

 _Because she knew herself to be the worst of liars she often hated her sisters for putting her in such a compromising position. Here she was, seven years old expected to pull out believable lies. She often prayed the need to find one wouldn't come. It worked for the most part; with only a handful of mistruths offered to her parents. Her tendency to stammer her way through would give her away in no more than a minute. She could see in their eyes that her parents knew every time. She didn't need the sweaty palms, though the fact that they shook under her legs while she tried to keep them still was great for added effect. And even when she walked away unpunished while the others paid their debts, she couldn't keep from feeling guilty that she'd failed them. The lecture she got when they dragged themselves back up the stairs just made bad feel worse. And yet, no matter how often they went around in these pointless circles, the same would happen within the next week._

 _The whole thing was ridiculous honestly. Libby was convinced it made for a good story, though her older sister said and did a lot of things to make the younger Kepner flush with guilt and embarrassment._

* * *

Only when she realized the second voice coming back into focus did April even realize how far into her own head she'd gone. Shaking it slowly, Jenny's words carefully returned to full volume. April sighed. Given her age, she was under legal obligation to share the news with the girl's mother. With those rules in place, doctor-patient confidentiality wasn't entirely effective. Still, the girl looked so damn frantic. Even though situations were day and night in nature, she couldn't help but see herself from weeks before.

"I won't," she managed, already hating herself for the idea that with time, once again trust placed so willingly in her hands would be ruined.

"Promise," Jenny begged. It was the unsteadiness in the young girl's words that made the surgeon wonder why it was she was fighting so hard to be dishonest. The answer seemed obvious enough. No teenager wants to tell their mother they had sex, let alone that they now have a baby growing inside of them because of it. But her eyes spoke of something she couldn't quite figure out.

"Yes, I-I-I promise," she stammered, quick to close the curtain. The shaking in her own voice almost made the woman cringe. Once again she was asked to be the cover story for a risk she played no real part in. But this time she had a choice. She could either do what was required of her as a doctor, or prolong the secrecy. Either way, she would lose. Jenny's overall trust or the guilt that mingled with a strangely cleared conscience. In reality, the answer was right there in front of her. But as someone who knew the humiliation that came from doing what you shouldn't be, she had to sympathize at least a little. A few small strides and making sure the curtain was completely closed to onlookers was hardly enough time to find the words that she knew the teen wouldn't want to hear but had to. Piercing her lip, the doctor sighed. "Jenny, um, I can help you talk to your mom." The tone she chose was soft and cautious but anything more would just silence her, making the rest of her stay even more of a challenge.

"No, y-you can't. She'll freak." April had to hide a smile, focusing for a minute on just how similar they seemed to be. Whether it was just the situation that made her this nervous or it was woven into the way she spoke, the doctor felt like she was looking on to a younger version of herself. Well, except for the part about being pregnant. She had too much belief in God to be that adventurous. Over the last few years, she'd already done her share of exploring.

"You're pregnant. She's going to find out soon. Why not tell her so that she can help you?" The redhead froze, her own words coming back to haunt her again. Arizona had tried to— _But this is different_ she had to remind herself. Keeping quiet was protecting an innocent life. Alternatively, she knew the opposite was just as true. No matter how often she ran it over in her head, Jenny wasn't going to see it like that.

"Because this is not what we do. That's what she says every time I forget to do the dishes. Or get a B. 'This is not what we do, Jenny'." The words fell out of the teenager's mouth like a well-rehearsed mantra. Whether or not this was the missing puzzle piece to her behaviour or only part of it April wasn't entirely sure. Now though, at least that answered some of the skittish determination to keep quiet. "I'm not supposed to even have a boyfriend so this would—Ow." The trauma surgeon watched while she tried hard to hide any obvious shows of discomfort. For someone in so much visible pain, Jenny was handling herself quite well.

"Dr. Kepner, this is—" Both doctor and patient looked up simultaneously, the air in the room suddenly thicker with new presence.

"Jennifer? What are you doing here?" April watched in quiet observation suddenly relieved that at least to some degree, the secret wasn't going to last much longer. In only of seconds, the girl was beginning to close off. The protective mask she seemed to take on was one she'd seen a hundred times. She herself was still sporting it for the general public.

"Did you track my phone again?"

"Yes, I tracked your phone again."

"Mom, that is so invasive." Despite the present situation, the redhead cracked a small smile. It was an odd phrase, but nothing she herself wasn't used to hearing. The girl was trying so hard to look as though she had everything under control.

"I pay for the phone. I get to know where it is. Same goes for you."

"It's the middle of the school day! Why are you even tracking me right now?" _Why are you tracking her at all?_ April thought. Yes, the doctor had control issues. She wasn't exactly quiet about them either. But for a teenage girl? Well, Mom was setting herself up for all kinds of rebellion. Sex and pregnancy wasn't that big a stretch but given her age she had to consider just how desperate Jenny had to be to escape.

"Well, you're not in school, are you? This is not what we do, Jenny."

"Hi Jenny? I'm Dr. Robbins. I hear you're having a little—"

"A little abdominal pain," April offered swiftly. "Um, and Dr. Robbins is an abdominal doctor. So um, we're gonna take Jenny up for a CT to get a closer look, and we'll let you know as soon as we get the results, alright?" Arizona eyed her awkwardly. The situation was sounding way too familiar. Her friend's hope that something would send her to the fiery pits of Hell still rang in her ears. In this moment, the trauma surgeon _was_ the blonde. Or at the very least trying as hard as she could to keep her mouth shut. It wasn't like April to run for cover. And when she did, she didn't exactly sound all that sure of herself. Maybe she was the only one who saw how obvious it was.

* * *

She might as well have a running metronome in her head these days. The periodic ticking of the time keeper would be more than a step up from the silence that seemed to envelope her and Robbins. They hadn't exchanged anything more than medicine in what felt like weeks. As sharp as the knife would have to be to cut the tension, April was in no place to take the first step. Thankfully Arizona was sometimes the more impatient of the two.

"Her mother really doesn't know?"

"Nope," she said quietly.

'That's gotta be a lot of work, hiding it for this long." If this was the doctor's attempt at sympathy and understanding she really wasn't doing so well. More than that, April was in no way ready to forgive her for spilling the beans to Jackson. She'd heard from various hospital sources that Arizona went around to a handful of people looking to justify what she'd done. For someone who was looking to be forgiven, she showed no real interest in it. The woman just wanted a clear conscience. Thankfully her countless attempts never got her one.

"Yeah, it is. It's a hard thing to keep under wraps." If she sounded bitter, she had every intention. Arizona knew how to keep her secrets. She'd done it before. This time though, she chose not to in the most inconsiderate way April could think of.

"Aren't we sort of obligated to tell the mother she's pregnant? I mean, if the kid's in danger…" It took her a minute to hear the resident as he spoke. Yes, yes they were. And yet, they hadn't. Not yet anyway. For such simple words, they carried such a responsibility. _Your daughter is pregnant_. As the one holding them in her mouth, April barely managed to keep from choking on them. _This is why_ she thought. Like she was now, Arizona was probably struggling to breathe under the weight of them. But she was going to say them not five minutes later. All she had to do was…wait. And now, in an attempt to keep her baby safe, the mess was just getting so much bigger.

"Mm, legally we're obligated not to unless the patient gives us permission." That's right. She hadn't given permission. But at the same time, April knew she didn't have to reinforce the silence she wanted. She really should have been more clear. Rubbing a hand along her own belly, the doctor sighed.

"If it were my kid, I'd want us to break that law." The trauma surgeon remained quiet, knowing that whichever side she agreed to would make her sound like she was contradicting herself.

"Oh, Warren. What do you see here?" Arizona mumbled lightly tracing a finger along the image on the screen. Yes, distract with medicine. Fill her head with anything but what she would be facing outside the doors of this hospital.

"Blood in the lesser sac. Is that an aneurysm?"

"Yeah. Splenic artery aneurysm. What are the risks?" she asked quietly, now more worried for Jenny than she already was. This was so much more than the common cold and an untreated pregnancy. Someone would have to tell her mother. Soon.

"If it bursts, it could cause an instant massive hemorrhage The patient and the baby both could bleed to death." Taking a breath Warren turned, his expression hopeful toward the two attendings. This had to be some kind of exception to confidentiality, right? "Now can we tell the mother?"

"No," Robbins said quickly.

"Yes." The peds surgeon turned slowly in her chair, now glaring at her friend. She'd been read the riot act for breaking these very same rules. Sworn to secrecy was sworn to secrecy, she learned her lesson. Now April was proving time and time again that she'd done right by her baby's father. It was either going to be one or the other. She was either right or wrong. With such mixed opinions, it was almost impossible to keep the facts straight.

* * *

"A bubble in my artery? Did I hurt the baby?" Jenny asked frantically.

"No, no. It's so big that even a sneeze could have made it bleed." _A sneeze or a cough…breathing._

"Yeah, and the good news is that the bleeding has stopped but the splenic artery cold burst at any moment."

"Yeah, which would be very dangerous for you and for your baby," Ben mumbled.

"Oh god. Oh god." Since when did an innocent cough become such a big medical fan fair? April could see the panic in the young girl's eyes, her heart tearing just a little bit more at the sight of it. Pregnant at this age was terrifying enough. Pregnant in silence? Well that was more stress than anybody needed.

"Jenny listen, I can fix this. I can operate and make sure that it doesn't bleed." It was a band aid for the situation but it was something. The stress levels she was already experiencing was enough strain on her young body. Another human being inside of it increased the pressure tenfold.

"Surgery? Unh-unh. If we do surgery my mom will find out for sure." But…could that really be so bad? They had only spoken to her for a combined five minutes but aside from the phone, the woman couldn't be all that horrible. At least she wasn't taking legal action against her own daughter. Letting the words creep up again, April let her hand wander to her own belly, a heavy sigh falling from her mouth. _She doesn't have a leg to stand on_ she reminded herself, Alex's words reminding her how much power she had in her own situation.

"Maybe she should. I mean, don't you want your mom's help and—?" The wide-eyed expression took only seconds to find a place on the teen's face. In those moments April saw just how scared Jenny was. Not only of how her mother would react but the situation as a whole.

"No! She'll send me away o-or make me give my baby away. Can't you just give me some pill to make it stay the way it is?" The surgeon had to bite her own tongue to keep from giving her the real answer. "Some pill" could only do so much for what the body really wanted to see happen. There was no pill for exactly this but all the same, she really wished it was that easy for all involved.

"We can give it time. Keep you under close observation. And there's a chance that it could resolve on its own." Watching Arizona nod her way through the solution only added to her confusion. Someone must have alerted her to what it meant to keep to doctor-patient confidentiality because she wasn't even seeing the blaring difference between the two instances.

"Then let's do that. We'll wait." The easy flow of those words spoke to just how naïve the girl was when it came to her own health. Waiting was easy. Waiting would mean nothing had to be done, nobody would have to know. Swallowing hard, Kepner let a few choice words flow through her head. God must have had the intention of letting her own life come back and slap her right in the face. This whole thing was just making her sick to her stomach.

"Jenny, it's far less dangerous to do something about it right now. I think if your mom had the information, she would—she would opt—"

"You said we can wait. I wanna wait." April all but held her head as the room began to tilt. The confrontation just before riding up the elevator came in varied flashes across her eyes and ears. All at once she cursed Arizona for being the fetal surgeon instead of Alex. At least then she wouldn't be hearing her own arguments as they effectively bit her in the ass.

"Okay. Then we wait." Not for the first time did she regret coming into work today. Not for the first time did she regret not specifying that they bring anyone but Robbins down for a consult. _Where the hell is Alex?_ she thought, her throat no better than sandpaper now. He of all people knew how to keep her quiet. Whether he was crass about it or stopped the flow of her panic with his own lips over hers, it really didn't matter. She needed something, anything to keep her feet from giving way underneath her.

* * *

"The better option is surgery. The only reason she's choosing to wait is to avoid telling her mother that she's pregnant." At this point April just needed to become a silent bystander. Even while knowing she was right, the fact was, _she_ wasn't the one talking. She hadn't found her own voice all day. It took everything in her not to outright demand that Robbins give it back.

"She has the right to tell her mom when she's ready."

"God please just stop!" she cried. "How the hell can you be so _calm_ about this? All day you've gone along with _everything_ she asked! Arizona, she's a child! A child having a child! Desn't that sound off any alarms for you at all?"

"Of course it does, April! But the truth is, we have a responsibility as her doctors to respect her privacy," she said calmly.

"She's fourteen! She needs her mom's help to make this decision. Don't you see the difference here?" The blonde sighed. She would be blind not to see them but she wasn't sure what more she could do. The last time she had done the right thing she was all but shunned by every one of her friends.

"What difference, April? What are we comparing? Because as far as I can see, this has nothing to do with you," she said carefully. "You were right. I was wrong to do what I did but my heart was in a good place when I chose to do it. And now that he knows, you can move forward. You can make a plan. You can play an active role in making sure that your baby gets everything it has a right to. Y-you're thinking like a mother because you're about to be one but you're not. You're not her mother. We're her doctors. The line is there and I'd advise you to keep from crossing it. What she wants may not make sense to you but we have to step back and remember that all we can do is work _with_ the patient, not against her. And right now that means keeping her mom out of this. The truth has a funny way of coming out. It's not up to you to rush the process."

"What if it was Sofia?" The blonde turned back, her face hard.

"Don't you dare bring up my daughter to me," she seethed. "She has absolutely nothing to do with this. And even if she did, who are you to use my being a parent against me? You're a doctor, Kepner. Behind these doors, you are a medical professional. What that little girl is going through goes right through my heart, it does. But unlike you, I'm able to separate my work life from my personal life. Just because I don't agree with how she wants things doesn't mean it is my business to force my opinions on her. If you really have to, take a look at all the similarities. If I remember right, Jenny's sounding more and more like you by the hour. Isn't this what _you_ wanted?"

"I'm a woman well into my 30's, Dr. Robbins. I am also a doctor. That means I am capable of mature, medically sound decisions in the interest of my child as well as myself. That's the difference. But you're so focused on how badly you screwed me over that you have no real _perspective_ on how hard this girl is trying to swim just to keep her own head above water," she groaned. "I should've request Karev," she muttered.

"Last I checked, he wasn't certified in fetal medicine. Unfortunately, you would be stuck with me anyway."

"You must be trying really hard to prove a point here because you know how this is really supposed to work. Well, I get it. On top of being a crappy wife who abandoned her grieving husband, I've added unfit mother to that list too. While we're here, you might as well tell me how else I've gone and fucked everything up," she growled, tears pooling at the corners of her eyes as they began down her cheeks. Even with her back turned, the silence told her that she'd heard the change in her voice, expertly keeping herself facing the other direction. "To be honest, this case is giving me a migraine. I'm about ready to ask someone to take over for me. Then everybody wins," she grumbled holding her head to keep it from splitting her entire face down the middle.

"April! We can't. We can tell her about the splenic bleed but not about the pregnancy." It wasn't a matter of _can_. Informing the mother of her pregnant minor was _required_. How was she the only one to understand this?

"She's just going to put her baby and herself at risk?" April asked incredulously. That reasoning alone didn't make them healers at all. If anything they were setting her up for complete disaster.

"Jenny's the patient. She has the final say. It's the end of the discussion." Actually, it really wasn't. Because the girl did not have the final say. Arizona just helped her believe that she did. Her phone sat like a heavy stone in her lab coat pocket. She hadn't heard so much as a word from Alex since early this morning asking her how her night was and if the baby had caused her any problems. Part of her was tempted to say that no, the baby was being an angel. The problem was his boss. Scanning the room to make sure she was alone, she scrolled through her contacts, almost as if doing so would make a message flash across her screen. Nothing. She stared at the blank text for all of a minute before finding her words.

 _I need someone to take me off this case_.

This whole day was one big headache to the next. Catherine may have been "banned" but her words still rang in the redhead's ears. But really? Taking her to court? In what stretch of the imagination did that even sound the slightest bit logical? All the woman had was one side of the truth. Either Jackson had yet to tell her just how forceful he was trying to be or she knew her son well and chose to overlook it.

* * *

Alex eyed his screen with curiosity. In all the time he'd known her, April was never one to worm her way out of a case. That was usually talk from a resident, hell sometimes even him if the patient's situation struck enough ugly chords. _Jimmy_ …He'd done what he could to avoid the guy like the plague. Working on the opposite end of the hospital only took him so far. Until seconds of curiosity brought him back over just to see what the guy looked like. Like crap. That's what he looked like. Why he should expect anything else was laughable.

 _Why? Patient being an ass_?

April tasted hints of blood as she bit down on the inside of her mouth. The patient wasn't the problem. Even if she was single-handedly working her into some kind of neurotic episode. Arizona it seemed was just doing her part to make sure it happened.

 _Too close…_ Well, it didn't take much to connect those dots. Either she was stuck with Avery or…

 _Gonna need more than that._

The doctor groaned. How would she explain this without sounding like she was complaining to him?

 _She's pregnant…14 and pregnant..._

 _Crap, I'm sorry._

 _Yeah…_

 _You want me to send Robbins to deal with it?_ April all but gagged on the bile that was making its way up her throat. He either had no idea or was doing his best to come up with ways to give her something else to do. Something that didn't feel like a fist to her stomach every time she opened her mouth.

 _Umm…_

 _She's already there._

 _Kind of, yeah…. And it's…. This whole thing is just really awkward._

 _With Robbins?_

 _Not…Well yes but…Are you busy later?_ Having this conversation over the phone wasn't going to convey the exact size of the mess she was currently trying to sift through. As much as she knew she was letting this get to her, the similarities were almost like a scream from the man himself about how stupid she'd been about everything. Even while knowing the situations had one difference between them that made everything she was doing at least mostly valid.

 _Not sure._

 _Oh…Another time then._

 _Kepner, what is it?_

April ran her tongue carefully over her top teeth, trying to find the right words for exactly what she wanted. _I need you to care_ she thought. Mentally crossing out those words she shook her head. In the last few weeks, Alex had been the one to care the most.

 _I…I just need quiet_ she typed, hating herself for sounding so needy. The man was trying to fix his relationship with his girlfriend for goodness sake and here she was demanding his attention. Again.

 _Okay_.

The answer was simple, sent back in no more than seconds, almost as though he didn't even have to contemplate where he needed to be. She knew she should say something, defend Jo to some capacity. But she said nothing, tears in her throat as she read it over one more time. _Okay_. An answer that needed nothing else. She only hoped he wouldn't have to drop anything for her and run to her aid. She wasn't some damsel in distress. She could do her own saving. But she would only be able to manage that when she was given the time to think, the time to collect herself.

"Hey, I'm inviting all you lovely people over to the house tonight for dinner." Alex blinked, knowing just how well the last one of those worked out. He'd spent most of the night making sure Meredith didn't send herself over the porch. Her run in with Shepherd was anything but private, the fight heard from the next floor up, their voices carrying through the floor.

"Oh. Like a—Like a dinner party," Callie said amused, remembering herself just how messy that had gotten. Not that she was there for most of it but the aftershock was enough to say that a get-together didn't exactly sound…wonderful.

"We're not doing that again," Alex grumbled around the carrot he had in his mouth. "I'm the one who babysits Grey every time it goes to crap. I don't have time for that. I actually have plans for once."

"What kind of plans?" Callie teased. "You and Wilson finally figuring things out?"

"Yeah sure, whatever," he shrugged. Let them believe he was talking about Jo. It made work a whole lot easier if he just went with what was supposed to be. If they knew he was using her name to hide the fact that he and April were…something, word would get around about his cheating ass. Not that it felt like cheating anymore since the two hardly said more than goodnight and good morning lately. He just had to find a way to break it to her without having her light his ass on fire.

"Just takeout. Whatever. Just come over at 8 and I'll feed you."

"Really, you won't have to pee every five seconds like last time?" Peirce's glare sent a chuckle rippling through his chest. The smirk he kept was light even as he shook his head. "Sounds cool and everything but…I have somewhere to be. You can Dr. Phil this one just fine."

"But we have the nomination meeting for the Priminger Grant," Bailey countered shaking her head.

"Fine, 8:30."

"Ben and Bailey will be going home at 8:30," she laughed.

"I'm having great sex tonight," Callie provided.

"I might be having sex tonight. I mean, I don't really know yet because we don't really plan it." Might as well just go along with the wheels turning in everyone's heads. He really couldn't even remember the last time he and his girlfriend had sex that didn't feel mechanical. And Alex Karev knew good sex. Screwing Wilson was starting to feel like obligation now. He only began to see how much after the few moments he had with April. Whether or not it was aided by the cloud of emotion in the room didn't really matter. Kepner made an effort to communicate. Kepner made sure to keep him an active participant in whatever they were. Jo had become so quiet he was starting to wonder if she was working her way into blending with the furniture.

"You guys have to come. Amelia just moved back in and Meredith and Amelia need to ease into it, okay? Or it's gonna be—It'll be…It's gonna start as something small that will snowball into something big, and there will be blood. This thing is fragile and if you guys are there, it can stay nice."

"Oh...Oh. So you want us to come be a buffer," Callie offered.

"Yes, thank you," Maggie nodded enthusiastically, seemingly excited that she was being "understood".

"Like a human shield?" Alex laughed.

"You get it!" Karev just shook his head. She may have her head filled to the brim with medical crap but Peirce knew nothing about being A Grey. He only knew more because he was forced into situations that made him some kind of referee.

"Your plan isn't gonna work," he said flatly. "Those two gotta sort out their own problems. Sticking your nose in it is just going to piss them off. The fact that they're back under the same roof is good, I guess. But it worked 'cause it was up to Mer. So it's not perfect," he shrugged. "They never were. They go at each other's throats like sisters are supposed to. Like me and Aaron did growing up. Nobody was there to stop us but the story's the same. Good or bad the guy's my little brother. I'm the only one allowed to give him crap. Same thing. You're just figuring out how this sister thing works. I've been here twelve years and it still doesn't make sense to me sometimes. But it doesn't have to. Just has to make sense to them. You can't fix what they're already fixing."

"So you'll be there?" Maggie asked smiling. Alex rolled his eyes. _In one ear and out the other_.

"Sex."

"God no."

"No…"

* * *

"So, for now we wait to see if your daughter's abdominal bleed resolves on its own, Arizona said confidently. No, it wasn't the best way to go but it was the one that would cause less argument in the end. The blonde had more than her fair share of arguments for the next little while.

"You think waiting is the best option?" Jenny's mother asked skeptically. The fact that it was a _bleed_ made her question just how competent these doctors were. Wasn't it their job to make sure something like that didn't get worse? Since when do they wait for things to just stop? Were they not trained to do that themselves?

"Well, it's what Jenny wants," Arizona said. Since when did her teenage daughter know what she wanted?

"Jenny, is fourteen. When I was fourteen, I was stealing street signs and getting knocked up by my loser boyfriend so forgive me for not trusting a fourteen-year-old to make judgment calls. I'm asking what you think."

"I think that surgery is the better option," Arizona said. April had to hold back a scoff. Of all the times to agree with her, of course it would be in front of the girl's mother.

"Then that's what we'll do," the older woman nodded confidently.

"Of course, you know, with surgery there are—are always risks," April began.

"Surgery would happen when? Today or...?" The fact that she found herself in a hospital at all was uncomfortable enough. When her daughter was the one in a hospital gown? Well, that just added to the want…the _need_ to be in and out of there as quickly as possible.

"Actually, there is one more thing," she added quietly.

"Dr. Kepner…" Arizona warned softly. The trauma surgeon let herself stand taller as she dared to approach the subject. If her own daughter didn't have the courage to speak up, somebody had to. What she was about to share would breech trust for sure. But if she was going by moral and written law, she would have said something hours ago.

"What is it? What are you not telling me?!" Jenny's mother asked desperately. The tone was enough to send her heart racing. To think she had come here to drag her daughter back to school where she should have been to begin with. Now there were risks and pieces of information she could tell in their eyes that they knew better than to tell. At least, that was the story for one of them. The redhead looked conflicted, her eyes an even tug between spilling the truth or trying to "protect" Jenny.

"There is also the risk that Jenny could lose her baby," April said carefully, her own heart in her throat when she considered the possible backlash she was both ready for and underprepared to face. The teen's mother could react in a number of ways, some of them speaking to Jenny's fear and others likely to surprise the girl.

"Her what?"

"Jenny's pregnant." She'd come into the ER ready to take her daughter by the hand and walk her back to her car, not all that concerned with whether or not she was "sick". Jenny had lied before to get out of things. The idea that she was doing so again this morning would make too much sense. But now, it was her mother's turn to feel ill, the world around her beginning to blur as she tried to centre herself. _Oh Jenny…This is not what we do…_

"How long?" her mother demanded. The young mother met her own with wide eyes, trying to find the words to somehow excuse all that she'd done. There was no excusing any of it. That part she knew with frightening clarity. At the very least she had to say _something_.

"Mom listen—"

"How long?!" she repeated, her voice rising exponentially.

"I-I don't know. Like a few months or something," she said quietly. Turning to her doctors the young girl's features hardened. "Why would you tell her?!"

"Look at me. Not them. _Me_. How many times have I told you "Be careful. Be smart"? Not to end up like me. How many times?!" For years she'd repeated herself like a damn parrot, hoping and praying that her own mistakes and the cost of them got through to her daughter. She apparently hadn't spoken loudly enough.

"Yeah Mom, like a million times that I am your biggest, stupidest mistake! Sorry I messed up your life so bad!" The older woman dropped her gaze, rolling her lip in an attempt to keep her own emotions in check.

"Jennifer, that is not what I meant!" she shot back

"And I'm sorry I'm screwing my life up too! Go ahead. I'm waiting for you to say it— "This is not what we do, Jenny"!" As much as she knew to give them their privacy, April couldn't keep from watching the exchange. It didn't matter that words were hot and angry. What she read in their phrases and saw in their eyes was nothing like the looks she remembered getting from Jackson.

"It's not…" Slowly shuffling out the door, she let the conversation between the two fade behind her.

"She needed to know the risks."

"No she didn't."

"Yes, she did. If she was gonna convince Jenny to get that surgery, yes."

"How's that going so far?" Arizona offered sarcastically.

"Come on, Arizona. We both know how this should've been handled. You said it yourself. The way she was handling it—alone—wasn't working. That mother deserved to know that her child was in danger. She deserved to know that her daughter needed her help, even if she wasn't going to be the one to ask for it. Doesn't pediatrics have this thing about advocating for the child? Well, that's exactly what I did. And yes, it's a warzone in there right now. It's damn ugly. But when everything goes quiet. When Jenny can really _think_ about what having her mother there for her really means, she'll be thankful."

"Do you hear yourself, April?" she laughed. "I tried to do the same for you and you just spat in my face." Red locks flew with heavy wind across her face. How in the world could she still not tell the difference?

"Jesus, Arizona! You want so badly for the me to tell you were right, that what you did was okay but it wasn't. It wasn't okay because I am an _adult_. _I_ know what is best for me and _my_ child. And I will tell you right now that if one day he ends up on one of these tables and someone is withholding information from me? You better be damn sure I'd want to know about it! Mother to mother, because clearly I'm not like you. I can't see the black and white here. For me this is grey. It's the greyest grey there is, the woman deserved to know. Just like Jenny deserved her privacy. Which is why I kept quiet for as long as I did. But I couldn't. Not anymore. I'm not always good at separating work and home. But you already know that about me. To expect change now is…I am who Jenny might be twenty years from now. I am the one who hides so I can make sense of the mess I need to clean up. But I am also her mother. A woman who will do _anything_ she has to do to protect her child. In order to _her_ job, she needed _all_ the facts. And so I gave them. If to you that makes me a bad doctor, so what? In my opinion, understanding the difference is what makes me a _great_ one." What should have been a bell sounding to indicate the end of her verbal lashing was instead a blaring monitor, the sound of which sent both doctors rushing back into the room.

"What happened?" April asked taking her stance on one side of the bed.

"I was giving her a routine abdominal exam when her pressure bottomed out," Ben informed.

"It hurts…so much," Jenny breathed. The trauma surgeon found herself nodding in agreement. This whole thing was painful. All of it could have easily been avoided if she just—

"Tell me what's wrong," her mother called over the doctor's shoulder. Despite playing an active role now, she'd forgotten that the woman was in the room. _Because you're distracted_ she thought.

"We're gonna take a look, okay?" Robbins said calmly. Taking a stethoscope to her abdomen, the doctor listened intently.

"She's hypertensive and her crit is at eighteen," Warren informed. Nodding, the blonde took a careful step back.

"Tell me what's happening?"

"It's not labour. Your aneurysm has ruptured, and I know you didn't want the surgery but now we have no choice." Kepner bit the inside of her cheek. Now was not the time for "I told you so".

"Mom?" April sighed, the fear in the teenager's tone more evident now than it had been all day.

"They've got you, honey. Everything is gonna be fine." The woman was barely able to finish her reassurance before her daughter was whisked away to surgery. Once in the scrub room, the surgeon found herself letting the water run at full capacity. _Drown out the words she's_ _ **not**_ _saying_. Arizona's stance silence had the doctor ready to scream. The air around them had never been this thick. Yes, she had been the one to ask for the time to breathe but that didn't mean they had to stand there like statues the entire time.

"This wasn't my fault. Telling the mother. Stress doesn't just cause arteries to rupture. You know that," she finally defended.

"I do. Doesn't make it right."

"It felt right," she said sharply. "It felt like she needed to know, like it was the right thing to do."

"I know the feeling," she drawled. April let her hands fall dramatically at her sides then, her already thin patience disappearing to nothing with this entire conversation.

"This is not the same thing!"

"I'm just saying that I know…how…you felt…in that moment. I know."

* * *

Something about the late hours of the night made every space in the hospital feel like a bit of a ghost town. Voices became smaller and words more careful. Night also meant that in a few hours she could go home and escape the physical burn this case kept lit in her chest. Now that Jenny had successfully come out of surgery, the worst of it was over.

"We had to remove your spleen to stop the bleeding," she began.

"But the baby's fine. Good fetal heartbeat. Very strong," Arizona smiled. As much as she knew she should thank them, the expecting mother could only really focus on one thing.

"And my mom?" Something about this entire day made it important that she make sure. What she was putting the two of them through was so far from what was expected of her that she couldn't help but swim in the guilt. She'd been pregnant for so long that the only choice either of them had was to stick it out.

"She's waiting to see you…whenever you're ready," the blonde said gently. A sudden wave of relief came over her; fully expecting a different answer than the one she got. Why? Well, the answer seemed clear. But her mom stayed…. Knowing her mother to lecture, she was still waiting on the mountain of trouble she would be in for letting a baby grow inside of her. With barely a nod and something April couldn't quite hear, she watched as Ben lead the older woman back into the room.

"Is she okay?"

"She is," the peds surgeon smiled.

"And the baby?"

"They're both fine," she said with continued reassurance.

"Mom….?" Jenny called hesitantly, tears coating the word in ways that tore at April's heart.

"Don't speak. Listen. This just…isn't what we do. You tell me when you're in trouble. You don't walk around scared and alone, not when you have me. Do you hear me? Not when you're having my grandbaby." She had to fight to collect herself while she watched them. Again she was silenced by the gentleness in the woman's voice though not at all surprised. Her daughter was healthy and the baby inside of her would hopefully make it to term. Beyond that, she couldn't see better reasons to feel accomplished today, all things considered.

* * *

He wasn't sure how long he'd been staring at the phone, the bright blue light in the corner alerting him to five missed calls. Calls he had no intention of returning. His mother would just take them on another long roundabout that got neither of them anywhere. The steady hum of vibration put a shallow grunt in his throat. He'd seen his mother's name on the display more often than anyone else in the last week.

"I really don't have time for one of your lectures now, Mom," he sighed through the mouth piece. He already had at least three different versions of the same one floating around in his head. Neither of which were going to be tended to in the way that she so hoped.

"No, I was calling to say that I was sorry to…to apologize." He blinked somewhat shell shocked to hear such words leave her mouth. He could count on one hand the number of times his mom went out of her way to apologize to anyone, especially him.

"I doubt that," he mumbled. On the slight chance that she actually was, there was no telling how long it would take her to revert back to old habits.

"No, let me finish. I overstepped, but you are my baby, and if somebody messes with you, watch out. I…Well, I was just protecting my baby." The baby she had raised had long since disappeared and become his own man. Whether or not it was a term of endearment something about the word made him uncomfortable. Not only did she use it in public around people he knew without shame but she couldn't see the adult in front of her if he was pressed right up against her in a tiny room.

"You know I'm a grown-ass man, right?"

"Language. As long as I'm living, my baby forever you will be. But…I do need to let go. Roots, wings. You can fight your own battles."

"I've only been telling you this for how long?" he laughed.

"This is hard for me, Jackson. After what your father did, taking you clear across the country I swore to myself that I would do anything to protect you. And so far I have. Perhaps not in the best of ways…"

"That's an understatement…"

"But I have never not done what I believe is in your best interest. I realize now that this is not my place. This is yours. And…as much as I believe she is wrong and inconsiderate for all that she's done to you in light of your crumbling marriage, you know how she listens best. You know what works and what doesn't. You're well past the age of being able to hold your own.

"Yes, I am."

"And if you don't want to fight April on this, maybe there is another way. I mean, we're still all family. Maybe you can go to counseling, or I could get the two of in a room together and we could—" Jackson let a finger hover over the disconnect while he cleared his throat in warning. "Sorry. I—This is going to take some practice. Honey, what are you going to do?"

"I'm an Avery. Somebody messed with my baby so I got myself some power," he said, his smile broader and more confident than ever.

* * *

Arizona couldn't help but think that being forced to work together would help them reach a few conclusions on where they stood. Seeing as the case was practically an echo into a not so distant past, she and April found themselves spinning even tighter circles around themselves. Successful surgery aside, they had failed to reach any kind of solution of their own problems.

"I'll round on Jenny in the morning after you've been in. Alright, goodnight." Having collected all her things, the blonde was more than ready to go home, knowing better than to ruffle feathers any more than they already were.

"I think Jackson's going to sue me for custody. Full custody…once the baby's born." Arizona met her eyes, fully stunned. When the hell had something like this come up? "His mother, she is…awful. I overheard her saying it. That she wanted Jackson to take legal action. Last week. I heard them talking and…and I just…I don't know what to do…He defended me and made sure Catherine knew I wasn't vermin but…the woman doesn't always listen, not even to him. I think she thinks he's blinded by our marriage and my love for him. Because it sounds like she's going to do it anyway," she choked, both hands winding around her stomach in a protective stance.

"Alright April, I need you to sit down…" Arizona mumbled. The poor woman's legs were already shaking underneath her, her words almost impossible to pull apart into coherent sentences. "And I just wanna—I am, I am so mad. I'm furious! I feel like my skin is on fire!" the words exploding out of her for emphasis.

"Oh my god…"

"I'm sorry. I know, I'm overreacting. But I don't have anyone to talk to, and I need to talk to someone." That wasn't necessarily true but of the women she trusted, Arizona was the only ne. Alex would probably just ease her mind with kissing or sex or…touching. Not that she was at all opposed but for the moment, she needed her words.

"No, no, no-no-no," Robbins countered firmly.

"And I've been treating you like crap," she almost whined. "I just…You have to understand that I was…I was right. I…I didn't wanna hurt him more…So I waited…I waited until I knew that the life inside of me wouldn't ruin him more than Samuel's already has…And I….I don't know what's happened to him…He's this…He's…Well, I can't say he's like his father because I don't know a damn thing about the man but…I see Catherine in him when he's angry ad hurt…And it breaks my heart…to know that I did that. I was going to tell him…And now that he knows…Now that it wasn't me, it's not about wanting to keep him from hurting. It's the fact that my silence has done the one thing I tried so hard to avoid…I just…I needed control…I needed to know I had the power to make things happen…Because when I gave that to God…. God to him away," she choked.

"You need to talk to me, it's fine. I'm here. For whatever you need. Because we're friends. Rant away. And then, we'll think about what to do." It was those two sentence that broke every inch of her resolve. Ranting was out of the question as tears took over, her small frame collapsing under the weight of all the unspoken words. "April," her friend whispered taking her gently into her arms as she eased her off the floor. It was in the warmth of her arms that the trauma surgeon finally took to accepting her own. The grip she took stole the pediatric surgeon's breath but she allowed, taking her in as protective an embrace as she knew. "Shh…We'll figure it out…We will figure this out…"

"I already thought of what to do. I'm not going to be the victim. He can't do this. I won't let him," she said meekly, her heart filled with regret.

"April, what did you do?" Arizona wondered. It was when she had nothing else to offer that the blond felt her insides give way. _Oh no…_

* * *

"And I just don't wanna hurt her, you know? It's in my power not to." Ben Warren nodded, not entirely sure where his friend was going with the conversation. From where he could see, Jackson had already made great use of that power, and not always in the most positive way. But the guy was hurtin'. To lash out the way he'd been lately was understood. If Miranda ever kept something like this from him...Well, there's no telling what he would find himself capable of.

"Cheers to that," he nodded.

"Hey Dr. Avery. Dr. Jackson Avery?" Looking up from his drink, the plastic surgeon screwed his eyes together, trying hard to place the face before him.

"That's right, do we—?"

"You've been served." After being left alone, all the doctor could do was hold the envelope in his hands and stare. After all the defending of his ex-wife he'd done in the last week, she was still throwing punches.

* * *

Quietly shuffling through the door to her apartment, April all but let her purse fall like a stone onto the floor. Before her was a beautifully crafted crib, a big yellow bow at its head. Reading the attached note, she froze.

 _I don't wanna fight. Whatever you wanna do, we'll do._

"Oh no…" Carefully folding the small piece of paper, her fingers frantically clasped the body of her cell phone.

 _Can…Can you come now?_ Not exactly bothered by what she would get in response the steps toward her couch left her feet heavier than she ever remembered them being. _April, what did you do?_ she thought as she attempted to make herself as small as possible against the upholstery. _I made a mess…I made a big mess_ …

"A restraining order. April filed a restraining order against me." Suddenly, Catherine's words made perfect sense. It seemed that no matter what he did to right his wrongs, April was going to deal him something so much bigger. "I think I'll look into that sit-down now…"

"What was that?" Warren asked as he took the last pull of his beer.

"Nothing," he mumbled. Nothing. If he didn't work fast, that's what he'd get.

April wasn't sure how long she'd been able to drown out the world but in what felt like only a matter of minutes, Alex stood in her doorway. Sudden panic set in then. Had she forgotten to lock the door when she got inside? She wasn't sure whether to thank herself for the momentary lapse in thought or yell at him for being intrusive. The two opposing thoughts brought out jarring and rattled breaths, the grip around her middle intensified.

"Hey, what's goin' on?" Alex mumbled finding a seat on the coffee table in front of her. In a better frame of mind, she would redirect him to the couch. Right now, all that mattered was that someone was here…that he was here. As hard as she tried to force her lips to make words he would understand she simply shook her head. There was no explaining what she'd done without giving him reason to poke at her control issues…or worse. How is it that she only ever managed to dig herself into deeper and deeper holes? She wasn't even aware how frantically her head went back and forth until his warm hands brought her forward to face him. "Kepner, if I'm here to help I need words…" She knew he was right, but even so she cast her eyes downward. Something about the way he spoke to her now was doing quick work to unravel the composure she had to recollect after Arizona.

"I…I don't have the money," she stammered. "He wants…He wants…And I don't…I don't….I…"

"Blaze," he murmured. The term brought her head right back up again, the speed of which put a knot in her neck that snapped painfully. The sound brought forth a helpless whimper, tapered off by the gentle motions of his fingers against her skin. "I need your mouth to start moving…" Nodding slowly, she sighed.

"She was just a baby…" April sputtered. "She doesn't know what living is…And now she never will…And it just…It makes me so…sad." The words fell away in a whisper but anything louder sounded so…offensive. "She didn't wanna tell…She didn't want to disappoint…. And…Oh Alex…. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. She…Her mother had no idea…And all I could think was…me." Though she hadn't intended to say it like that, the words suddenly left her feeling so stupidly selfish. Today's case had virtually nothing to do with her. And somehow she made it so. "Jenny was me…And it was…It was almost surreal. I was...I was looking into a mirror…. telling myself what to do. And all that came out was...Arizona. I kept telling her that her mom was there to help her…that she might actually surprise her…that she might actually understand…And Arizona was…Well she supported the silence. And I just…I saw all of these similarities. And now I just…I feel terrible."

"She's a minor…. We're required. That's not what you've got going here at all."

"I know, I know. But it was a literal slap in the face. All day." Sliding off the table and onto an available cushion Alex let the weight of her exhaustion rest against his shoulder. The smallest smile graced the woman's face as she allowed herself to give into his warmth.

"She's doing good though, right? Her and the baby made it out okay?" April nodded. "Then you got nothing else to worry about. You did good." As comforting as that was to hear, she hadn't even _started_ yet."

"He left me that crib…I can't even take the bow off of it because…honestly I can't even look at it. I want him to take it back."

"Why? He's finally putting in the effort you've been wanting. He's not made demands in a while."

"That's because his mother is among us and she kind of takes the wind out of his billowing sails."

"I already told you…" he began small circles starting on the edge of her shoulder. "She's not going anywhere with that."

"This is Catherine we're talking about. She has claws for hands and a name that can get her whatever or wherever she wants. And because I know that…I…I did something…. I made it so that he…" She swallowed, once more refusing to meet his eyes. I made sure that he…that no one could bring harm to my baby." Alex grinned pressing his fingers lightly along her belly.

"So long as he's in there, nothing's gonnna happen to him." Fire flew across his shoulder as the expecting mother shook her head. "April, he's as safe as he'll ever be."

"And what happens when he comes? What happens when I can't protect him anymore? If he's ever hurt or…breaks…If he breaks, Alex…"

"We don't know that yet," he mumbled. "But while we wait…you gotta keep doing your thing with the praying. It helps you focus…talk less," he teased, the jab earning him a soft glare. "There we go. That's more like her," he whispered. "You can't be jumping six steps ahead of where you're standing. I know that's how your head works and it's a huge help in the ER but…this is different. This time…You just gotta let them fall where they're gonna fall."

"I…I don't know how to do that…" she mumbled.

"I know you don't. That's why I'm gonna show you how it works," he muttered folding loose strands carefully behind her ears. When his soft lips met the edge of her jaw, April instinctively pulled away. "Sorry…" he grumbled pulling himself toward the opposite end of the couch.

"I did something. I did something bad…Really, really bad." Alex felt his eyes come together in confusion. For a minute he wondered if he was really talking to Kepner and not Pierce. April was methodical and logical. She scheduled _everything_ to the minute. Maggie did without thining and often reaped the consequences afterward.

"You forgot to scrub?" he joked. "We do that in crash surgeries all the time. I'm sure she's fine…"

"No…It's worse than that. So…much…worse."

"Alright, what is it? What could the queen of organization and logic do to let it completely screw with her head like this?" The redhead clamped her mouth tightly shut, refusing to let the words spill out in a ready avalanche. "Come on…Since when do you keep your trap shut?" Crossing her arms angrily, she turned to face away from him. "Oh for Christsake, what aren't you saying?"

"Restraining order," she squeezed out meekly.

"A what?" he asked, shock not even beginning to cover the guts he never knew his friend to have.

"I told you already that I don't want him anywhere near this child…"

"Do you mean…forever?"

"I don't know…No…. I mean there's a chance…but no. I don't want him anywhere near something so toxic and damaging. Becoming an Avery is…Well it's as close to a death sentence as one can get," she mumbled. "Your sense of self is just…It fades away with all of these responsibilities…You carry this name like it's…the only thing that's going to get you out into the world. And the attitude that shapes because of it is…That's not how I was raised."

"Yeah, I get it. But I can tell you right now, who you are and who you wanna be…Sometimes it's got nothing to do with where you come from. I mean…I had everything set up for me as a kid. I saw the way he treated my mom and how it practically drove her to silent hysteria. I saw how much he had to drink every day just to drive away the shakes. I cleaned up after him almost all the time. And because my folks were out to lunch…. Aaron and Amber were mine…. Are mine. I make sure she stays in school. I gotta make sure that Aaron and Mom take their pills so nobody else gets a knife to their throat. It's all on me. And yeah it sucks. A lot. It's more stress than work and Jo put together. Crazy as it sounds…Mer's that weird something that reminds me what I'm here to do. I'm here to make people better. I'm here to help. My old man and his booze didn't get me here. In a strange way, I think my mom did…"

"Oh…" was all she could find as she considered exactly who all of these people were. Part of her knew she would probably never know more than the stories he told but to consider the possibilities was enough to bring about a certain clarity.

"I spent most of my time as a kid making sure she did okay. I was probably the only guy in school who knew how to braid hair. I'm the one who taught my brother how to shave. They are who they are because I didn't have a choice. I'm sitting here today, an attending pediatric surgeon because people got lazy or sick. Some were too little to understand anything different. But it's because I knew, because I step up that I'm not drowning in a bottle of gin like Jimmy Evans did for his entire life."

"Oh…." The truth of his kindness and the size of his heart made April's swell with a warmth she hadn't let in for what felt like weeks.

"I'm not saying the guy deserves it," he began. "And I'm not saying you have to forgive him for doing what he's been doing. But, I will ask you to keep an open mind. You loved him once, right?"

"Yes…" Yes, she did. In such a way that her frantically beating heart could barely stay within the walls of her chest.

"Then…if at least a small part of that is true, give him the space to prove himself. Not to you but to this baby. If it works out, it works out. And if it doesn't…then at least you know you tried."

"I…I'm scared," she whispered. "I don't know what comes next…I don't know _anything_. I just…I want to keep him safe. And I…I don't know that Jackson can do that right now." Seeing the slip of paper out of the corner of his eye, Alex carefully unfolded it, reading it over in his head.

"Ball's in your court. What do you wanna do?" April shook her head hard. She hadn't the slightest idea.

"I…I wanna forget," she whispered. "I wanna pretend this day never happened…I…I want you to help me start over. Please…" she pleaded, her words so much smaller than she intended them to be. Nodding slowly, he pulled her back toward him again, her head coming to rest against his chest. "I…"

"Yeah?"

"Can we just…Can we touch?"

"Kinda like we're doing right now?" he whispered letting the shirt she wore come up over her head, quickly forgotten as he tossed over his shoulder. April barely nodded, drinking in the warmth of his mouth against her neck. Nibbling lightly down a small portion of her spine, he couldn't help but smile as she shivered lightly.

"Y-Yes," she stammered. "Just…I-I…. I don't…No sex…"

"No sex," he agreed, too immersed in how easily she shaped against him to consider what that meant. The honest truth was; he hadn't come to her with expectations. As much as he was hoping for _something,_ April wasn't the type to use it as a distraction. Sure, this wasn't exactly sex but it seemed to work just the same. He could tell just how effective his notions already were by how easily she let her frame fall into him. She'd been silent for about five minutes now, barely uttering a word. When her shoulders began to shake slowly, he looked up, confused. "What is it?" he mumbled. When all she seemed to do was shake her head, Alex sighed.

"I'm sorry, I just…Everything is so still…I don't…I don't understand…"

"That's what happens when you let yourself stop thinking," he mumbled clearing a path to her neck with his nose. It was there he laid a trail of light kisses, his arms coming around her quietly while they rested just below her breasts. "Can we lose this too?" he asked, gently snapping the elastic of her blue lace bra. The struggle between letting him and retreating back to her fully clothed self lasted no more than a minute. For that she couldn't help but feel completely disgusted with herself. April couldn't recall a time she had ever been this…needy. Even in all her time with Jackson she had never openly seeked sex…At least not like this. As far back as he could remember, Jackson never took this much time just...touching. She had to wonder where Karev found the self-control. Though she was completely confused about it existing at all, a part of her was grateful too.

He had come over with the intention of helping her. His actions said that everything about this moment was her chance to escape. Though everything about this was sexual, a part of her was happy just...here, allowing his hands and mouth to take her places she had never been before.

"I…Yes," she mumbled, though her voice sounded somewhere far away. Letting the fabric fall away, he gently gripped her breasts, the painful pleasure enough to make her gasp.

"Barely touched anything," he chuckled. Biting her lip, April shook her head. He knew how sensitive she'd become. From what she could tell he was playing that to his advantage. Worse was the fact that she was allowing it, needing it, becoming nothing more than jello at the slightest touch. Her sense of control was virtually nonexistent. She didn't even have the sense to stay frustrated. Her mind was for all intents and purposes completely blank. The only emotion he allowed to survive was a fervent want for more, a quiet plea that he not stop. When she finally found the sensation to make use of her arms, fingers were already fighting to find the button of her jeans.

"Help…" she whispered, barely realizing that she had taken _his_ hands and not her own to help free herself. Years of refined practice let him find the zipper effortlessly, the open flap exposing her matching underwear. Letting callused hands glide across her belly, his fingers sank down into the fabric. It wasn't until he was already so close that she realized how _much_ she wanted him.

"What happened to you?" he smirked, the whisper warm against her ear.

"I…I don't know…" she said, her face flushed an impossible red, head turned to bury her embarrassment against his shoulder. It was the deliberate toss meant to hide herself that turned her completely over, leaving April completely exposed to him. The sudden realization should have been enough to make her put the brakes on everything. Instead it only seemed to encourage her. "I…I want…" she breathed, words suddenly impossible to shape. Winding her arms tightly around his neck, she let herself sit impossibly close, every inch of her ready to match him for all the secrets he was still hiding behind his clothes.

"What do you want?" he prompted running a single digit across her heat as the other traced along her jaw. Fully aware of how close he was, she felt her body clench instinctively, his index finger tucked neatly inside of her.

"More…" she whispered, her voice hoarse as their lips brushed.

"More what?" he murmured against her mouth. Not for the first time that day April Kepner stood in disbelief of herself. One minute she was a complete emotional mess, the next she was pleading for his hands to find her all over. Now the words she really needed to express a want she shouldn't have were at the very end of her tongue. "Are we taking this to bed?" he asked quietly. Stunned to complete silence, she could only nod.

"N-n-no sex," she sputtered. Even as she said the words, part of her hoped that he would continue to ignore her as he'd always done.

"No sex," he murmured tugging at her lobe. Now aware of the slight breeze that distance between bodies brought, April let out an unexpected whine. He was so warm… Before he could completely pull himself away, she found herself taking hold of the shirt he still wore, letting it sail up over his head.

"I want…I want…" She froze, suddenly left with a knot of emotion she wasn't expecting. "Like before…"

"That was sex…" The woman shook her head frantically. No. No it wasn't. Sex was thoughtless. Sex was doing without the feeling. Sex was a combination of motions that spoke to desperation and rush.

"It…It was different," she murmured. "It made me feel…l-loved…" Alex considered this carefully. Made her feel what? Hadn't Avery done that as her husband for…years?

"I…I don't understand…" he said, the words foreign coming out of his mouth.

"Make me feel, Alex…Like before? Like before except…Except no sex. Just…Lay with me…Touch me. Make me feel good…I... I wanna make you feel good too..." Well, two of the three was pretty much the same thing. Nodding slowly, he kicked the door to her room open and closed with his foot.

Bringing her across pristine white sheets, he let his mouth travel the length of her stopping only at her hips long enough to lick trace circles around them before making his way back up to her mouth.

"I like this April," he mumbled. "I like her a lot…" He didn't have to see her face to know that he'd made her blush. Her entire body going warm and pink was all the indication he needed. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught his clothed lower half, thoroughly confused.

"I said lay with me," she whispered. "Like me…" Nodding slowly, he let his jeans and belt pool on the floor, easing himself between her scissored legs. Taking his face firmly in her hands, April kissed him with determination he had never seen. If her intention was to clear his head to, it wouldn't take long for him to get just as lost as she was. Against better judgement, he did nothing to stop himself from rubbing up against her. Finally coming to some kind of awareness, April frantically shook her head. "N-n-nno…" If she allowed it, any shred of control she might be able to scrape up would be gone in a matter of seconds. At least this way…At least this way…

"Babe, we're already here," he whispered. "There's no turning back really. You want me to touch you I can touch you. You want more, I'll give you more. If you want all of it, you'll get all of it. You just gotta let yourself…."

"I…I can't…."

"Yeah you can. Just…let go"

"Let go," she said slowly, experimenting with what felt like new words. Because to April Kepner they were. Words that created a concept she never allowed for herself. After five minutes of struggle, she conceded to the idea, her entire body going limp at his touch.

"That's it…Now all you gotta do is trust me…" Trust. Also new. At least in this venue. Even with her husband she'd never allowed herself to be handed over in such a way.

"A-Alex? Y-You know that…that thing you do...?"

"Hmm?"

"Wh-when you…ignore everything I…say 'cause it's annoying?"

"Kinda like right now?"

"Yes…" she flushed.

"So that's a yes," he smirked. April found herself barely able to nod. "For the record, I was already planning on it."

* * *

 **A/N: Well…That ending was a little unexpected. Hahaha. I was not expecting April to be so…well...whatever that was. See you all next week!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Buckle up folks. The words just kept coming.**

 **Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

Bailey was almost certain she had never been this far back into the hospital before. Not that she had any opportunity to properly entertain the idea. For the most part she was more than happy to pretend they just weren't there at all. On this early morning it was all she wanted to do. If you ignored the hundreds of cameras that scanned every inch of this hospital, it was easy to forget just how many people you were responsible for on a daily basis. And this would have been one of the many she let consist of back to back surgeries and paperwork. But this? This was one of the few. This was one of the rare moments that left a mother's heart in her throat and her mind whirling in at least a hundred different directions.

Six year old Gage Dean was off at a run. Where he was headed only these cameras would know. A thousand eyes in search of one boy. A child who was probably more afraid of where he ended up than the concept of escaping. That's how it often happened with Tuck. Of course for Miranda it seemed that she was the one with her heart in her hands, her son found sitting quietly in a corner of the hospital. The difference was that he was much older than this one. Her son knew where to look for help. Gage just knew he had a reason to run. Where and how far probably hadn't crossed his mind yet.

"Where's the main lobby?" Bailey mumbled, her gaze transfixed on the combination of a thousand eyes meant to keep this hospital together. It was in these moments she wondered just how "secure" they were all supposed to feel when a child seemed to slip right out from under them.

"There," the guard muttered working the angles of each camera. Nothing.

"And the garage?" The chief watched the indicated screen carefully, in this moment wishing that just about anyone else had this job. Miranda Bailey prided herself in her extreme sense of organization and leadership. Right then she could be described as anything but. Anyone in leadership knew how to keep an eye on patients. Especially the smaller ones barely old enough to cross the street on their own. Just the idea that Gage had gone beyond the grounds of Grey-Sloan made her heart hammer quietly in her chest.

"Over there. But he won't get that far. I got guys at all the doors, guys rolling back tape. We'll find him." She had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. As far as she knew, this man was a complete stranger. People like him were only called on when doctors and staff refused to do their jobs. As frustrated as she was, this was the job she all but demanded be hers. And surgical chief aside, there were may days Miranda couldn't say for certain that they would be rewarded with a good outcome. The way he spoke and held himself, she had to wonder who those words were really for.

"Yeah, you don't know that," she shot back. Because the fact of the matter was, none of them had any idea. What they did have on their side was hope. Considering how their day was set to begin, not even that was a guaranteed emotion.

"Look, it's my job to overreact, and I'm not there yet. I'm telling you, this is not a Code Pink situation." The woman scoffed quietly, determined to keep as straight a face as possible. She hardly knew him but it would be a valid assumption he wasn't a parent. Even while knowing it made sense to wait it out, she was giving herself the chance to feel concern for the boy and frantic mother. The agent made it sound like he saw enough of it on a daily basis. In reality he seemed to all too comfortable with be a sitting duck. Offering the monitors one last look and muttering a quiet prayer in her head, Bailey turned to leave the room. Before she was given a moment to collect herself and consider exactly how to go about waiting, Karev was already in her face.

Alex did what he could to keep his expression neutral. Anything more and he would send his own mind into some kind of frenzy. The concept alone was still weird for him. He wasn't calm by any means. His aggressive nature and outspoken tendencies explained that for him. Kids. He'd worked with hundreds over the years, some of which he hoped he never had to see again. And not exactly on the hope that they would stay healthy. As a pediatric surgeon he understood them best. It was in the job description. But today was different. This wouldn't be the first time he lost a kid and he knew even now it probably wasn't going to be the last. But Gage set off alarms in the doctor that not every child knew were there.

"You need to call a Code Pink," he demanded, his mind running on its own hamster wheel while he considered all the places he could find around the hospital.

We're not there yet, Karev." _Yeah well we should be_ he thought. They should _always_ be. If a kid goes missing, the first people to lose their minds over it are the parents. Having just come back from sharing a brief update with Gage's mom, he knew they had to work fast. He could literally be just about anywhere. With the family dynamic in mind…

"The kid's hiding. It happens all the time." _Too much_ Alex thought. If only this guy knew the kind of stuff the six year old was hiding from. The crap he was trying to hard to avoid. But he didn't. Neither of them did. You only knew the fear and how it ate at you if you felt the same teeth working their way along your insides.

"Dad's got anger issues. Custody battle with a huge fight just this morning. If he took the kid..." If he took the kid things were just about to get so much harder.

"Statistically speaking, that's not what happened," the agent interjected. The doctor grimaced. The last thing anybody needed right then was a bunch of numbers. And what the hell did the guy know anyway? Gage was a kid. Scared and confused, probably traumatized too to some extent. At least those injuries weren't his fault.

"Not to mention, my patient's infection puts him at risk for an airway obstruction if we don't find him right away," he pointed out, trying to swing the medical angle to stress the importance. His mental wheels stopped called in their tracks when the speaker sounded above them.

" _Attention, Gage Dean, please return to your room. Attention, Gage Dean."_ Oh well that was just great. That would solve a total of zero current problems. But he figured out pretty quick this guy didn't really give two shits about his own job. The demand seemed so lax that he was all but twiddling thumbs waiting for Gage to wander back on his own.

"Are you kidding me with that? He's six. He's not listening to announcements. But I bet you his dad is. Which means you just scared the guy into moving even faster." Even while he always did everything he could to forget the man (although a label like that was too kind for all that he'd done), he couldn't help letting Jimmy wander through his memory. His old man never took him further than the nearest bar but he sure made Alex and his siblings wish they had the means to take themselves as far away from their home as possible. And that's not to say that he didn't have the gas or the car but taking his mother out of her own toxic nest would do them all more harm than good. For that reason, the cycle fed on itself for years. He himself reached a point where his anger had just…been put to rest. In its place was a sense of emptiness he hoped would keep them all alive and safe.

"I don't think you understand how a Code Pink disrupts this facility. All automatic doors lock. Elevators stop functioning." Of course he knew how they worked. This hospital shoved protocol down each and every one of their throats until they could be recited in Morse Code.

"Good. It'll stop the dad."

"No, it'll potentially put patients in danger." Like this one wasn't already well on his way if not there already.

"There's a kid who's in danger, and the longer we stand here debating this, he's getting further away." How many different ways would he have to say it before it sank in? Gage could be all the way to Joe's Bar by now.

"Code Pink is a nuclear option. Just let my guys look around for a little bit." Sure it was a last resort but what other choices did they really have? All they'd been doing was looking and in the end coming up empty. Letting off a heavy sigh, he turned to Bailey, his expression softening slightly.

"What if It was Tuck?" Sure it was a bit manipulative but whatever. Robbins already chewed him out for playing those cards a few times. Sometimes they fell flat. Other times, they actually worked in his favour. Right now, he was leaning with anticipation on the second.

"Call it," Bailey said firmly. Never had she expected her son to be dangled in front of her like that but Karev was known to go right for the jugular. A trait that had a fifty-fifty chance of working for him. Remembering the agent's attitude back in security the woman rolled her lip, brown eyes narrowing. She'd have to talk to him later about using her child as a tool to play to his advantage.

"You sure you wanna pull the trigger on this? Sounding the alarm? Initiating a lockdown?" How was it that they always managed to find the ones who acted as though time wasn't a factor?

"Yes, now."

"She's sure," Alex added impatiently. _Freaking moron._ He wasn't exactly sure if his eyes rolled as his phone came out but his attitude let him think that yes it very well might have. Alex readily ignored his suspicious glance. He'd already seen a lot of those looks. Most from those he worked alongside now. He might as well be muttering something about how they knew nothing. The surgeon could feel at least half of his built up tension leave his shoulders while he took in the disgruntled phone call, happy too ignore the sigh that came with it.

"Hey. She's calling it." Next...How to get around the deadbolt.

* * *

April sighed, watching as the elevator door began to put a solid wall between them. Their ability to communicate (if they had ever really been able to at all) had effectively gone up in billowing clouds of smoke. She bit her lip, realizing with startling clarity that drawing up the papers would and was currently making that ten times harder than it already was. _He's harassed you for weeks_ she thought. Feeling unsafe had to in some capacity be enough permission to do what she had to do to protect them. Even if making such requests was done legally. At the rate her ex-husband was going, it seemed too be the only way he bothered to hear her.

"Jackson, I had no idea, or I never would have— I-I was –I wasn't trying to—" Alright so some of it wasn't entirely true but for the most part, if she had known he would jump to her defense…If she had enough heart to believe his mother wasn't too forceful a hand…But the fact she'd been taught to understand was that all Avery's had push. Even those who didn't want the responsibility.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be, like, a hundred feet from you or something." The trauma surgeon bit the inside of her mouth, barely managing the slightest nod. According to written letter this was true. If they were going to try and figure anything out they both had to pull themselves together. As seemed to be the painfully consistent pattern she had always seen play out, her efforts to have them converse like adults was quickly falling flat.

"If I had known that you weren't trying t—" she sighed. How could she be seen as a mother doing the right thing while at the same time keeping Jackson's pride moderately level? "I thought you were gonna take my baby and–" A hand instinctively gripped her abdomen while the alarm tore through the building. _As long as he's in here nothing's gonna happen to him_ she thought. She let those words wrap her in a skin-tight cocoon of optimism. The words weren't hers but she let herself take comfort in them frequently.

"Did you set that off for me, too?" April rolled her eyes, a scowl playing across her features.

"Really, Jackson?" He just shrugged. There were a number of things she'd done in the last few days that left him wondering exactly who he had once been married to. These weren't the actions of someone who once considered him her best friend. Relationships like that required…Well, all the elements that somehow managed to slip right through their fingers.

"I'm not sure what to believe, April. Some of the crap you've been pulling has me wondering." He blinked, a sudden realization whispering slyly in his ear. "Unless Karev has you thinking some of this up," he mumbled. Once brave enough to meet her gaze, she looked as good as slapped. Jackson smirked. She managed to neither confirm nor deny the claim.

Red hair washed around fluidly, her jaw set. Alex Karev had been as gracious as an answered prayer since finding out about the baby. The man managed a fair balance between concern and knowing what she was capable of. When she believed herself able to, he took a decent step back. Enough to give her room to breathe while reminding her that he was within reaching distance. Her silenced phone was a weighted comfort while she shuffled back.

"My relationship with Dr. Karev is not and has never been any of your business, Dr. Avery." Hearing such a phrase, Jackson's brow went way up. Very rarely did he hear his name take that particular shape in her mouth. The way she seemed to wrap Alex in it for safe keeping was even more questionable.

"Take care now, Dr. Kepner," he barely bit out. When she finally let go of the sliding door, he groaned, barely registering the motion of the boxcar. He made a mental note to thank Owen for those words when he saw him next. They weren't exactly satisfying but he figured they weren't created to be something positive. Instead Jackson felt himself go abnormally cold. He wasn't exactly a stranger to the feeling or the way it twisted his emotions but this...This was a chill he knew so little about.

* * *

"I just need a description of your husband, ma'am." Alex stood with his arms crossed, trying hard to still his mind while the suit spoke to the frightened mother. _Like she can tell you stuff like that while her freaking kid is missing_ he thought. It wasn't exactly impossible to get but with emotions running high he doubted it could be categorized as sensitive. Even if it was required that they ask, just the way he spoke to any of them irritated the hell out of him.

"Ex-husband," the woman clarified. _There's a lot of those around here_ Alex mused.

"I know the guy. I'm just gonna start looking—" Even if it just sent them around in circles of some kind, anything was better than standing around and waiting for Gage to somehow find his way back. Seeing as this place was swarmed with doctors and nurses he would drown in lab coats more than anything else.

"The only way to get through the doors right now is with one of these badges. My men will fan out from peds. They'll take it room by room…" Alex had to bite back hard on a bubbling growl. He'd had it with talk of "him and his men". Instead he plucked his swinging badge off of its clip and took off. Watching the doctor disappear, it felt like a full minute before he found any kind of authority in his tone. If Bailey wasn't so focused on getting to the end of this crisis, she would have offered him the most subtle sign of encouragement. "We've got it handled—Dr. Karev." She let her eyes track him while he headed for the closest set of swinging doors silently hoping for the little boy's quick and safe return.

"Out of my way, Cross." The intern blinked, for a moment confused when the doctor managed to glide through the bolted doors. Recovery came quickly when he realized that if he caught him at his heel he would be able to get somewhere. Alex on his part barely noticed or cared, the hurried shuffle of a second pair of feet fading fast. Turning a sharp corner when he caught Jo out of the corner of his eye, he barely managed to catch the door frame. "No one came through here with a kid, right? Six years old, green shirt?" The resident looked up from her chart, taking a moment to recognize who had spoken to her.

"Uh, I don't think so but we're kind of slammed. I've got these other kids from the accident. I don't—I don't know. I—" She realized rather quickly that Alex could really care less about any reasoning for her lack of direction. Lately, her boyfriend hardly seemed to register a single word she had for him. He seemed even less aware when his focus was zeroed in on a patient. She couldn't even remember thee last time she'd received even an ounce of his attention. When it wasn't Meredith it was work. And when it wasn't either of them, he fell away to a distant planet on which she had never landed.

"Bailey should have called this thing earlier." Wilson blinked trying hard to make sense of the change of expression in his eyes. _I'm hardly here at all, aren't I?_ she thought. But at the end of the day, that's what she couldn't help but love the most about him. Alex had a cactus thick exterior for well over most of the world. When it came to kids he became a man she hardly ever saw anymore. _Like a double agent_ she thought smiling fondly.

"Hey, hey. He's probably just hiding somewhere. That's what kids do, right?" Alex nodded hastily. Without so much as another word, he turned. From what he could see, she tried at work. At home getting her to even say his name was like trying to perform a craniotomy. _Wish you could do that at home too_. The ring had yet to leave the drawer she'd asked him to keep it in. Part of him wondered why he didn't just take it back and be done with it. By now it was as clear a message as he was ever going to get. She just didn't want to marry him. Sure his attempts at asking weren't exactly Hollywood material but he and Jo had never been anything flashy. To make an exception for it just felt…weird. Whatever. It wasn't his job to sit around and wait for the world to start spinning again. It went on with or without him. He had only ever wished that she would be the one at his side to watch it all happen.

"Yeah, right," he nodded already clear on his next path. Taking the catwalk stairs at a run, Alex could feel his own heart accelerating. He would either find this kid in the next two minutes or go back to his mother with nothing to show for his questionable decision-making. Catching a flash of green out of the corner of his eye, the doctor could feel his entire body cool. Noticing Gage through a crack in the stairwell, he raised both brows, keeping a slight fish lip. Though he didn't laugh, he could see the spark in the kid's eye. "I know at least six other hiding places…" he mused. "That was actually kind of lame."

Even when he managed the smallest quirk of his lip, Gage stayed where he was. Cool or not, Dr. Karev was going to cut him open. Sure he'd be asleep for a long time but what if he never woke up? What if something went so wrong that he…? Was he the reason his daddy got so mad this morning? Is it because he was sick? Would he ever get to see him again after?

"I-I don't wanna…" he finally managed to whisper. Coming from almost anybody else, the words would make the doctor chuckle. Coming from Gage reminded him that there was a lot more at stake than a clean bill of health.

"You wouldn't be the first," Alex mumbled. "But you know, if you're ever going to play hide and seek with your friends, we're gonna have to head back." When he saw the boy begin to shake his head, Alex countered with a nod. The doctor had been on his side of the staircase for more than a few minutes now. He was easy enough to pick up and carry but anyone with good sense knew it wasn't that easy a fix. "Alright, spit it out, buddy. Why are you running so fast?"

"They're fighting…. They do that a lot and I don't like it," he muttered. "I didn't wanna listen anymore." Alex bobbed his head, understanding it feeling close to a jab in the ribs.

"What were they fighting about?" The doctor watched the little boy's face change almost immediately, a mask he was far too young to be wearing coming over him. Biting his lip, Gage jabbed a finger at his own chest. The pediatric surgeon felt his insides collapse. "How do you know it was about you? Parents usually talk about grownup stuff."

"I-It's about all my medicine. Daddy says it's a lot of money. Mommy says it's all he talks about. He doesn't wanna do it anymore…. He says I shouldn't have the surgery. So I'm not gonna." Karev crossed his arms listening for any other reasoning the boy might find. When it seemed like he had nothing more to add, Alex took him gently by the shoulder.

"Look, you know they love you, right?" Gage nodded. "And that they take you to all these doctors and give you all this medicine 'cause they want you to get better." Another nod. "You know, I think…I think your dad might be a bit scared."

"Nuhn unh," he countered shaking his head vigorously. "Daddy _never_ gets scared. "He's super brave," he mumbled. _You don't know the half of it, kid_. With Derek dead, Alex had somehow fallen into some kind of role model position for his friend's kids. Again, not exactly something he wanted. It just sort of…happened. Whatever. They were cool kids. Being there for them wasn't hard at all. What was hard was the fear that often threw him off. He wasn't Zola's dad but there were times she stretched him far enough that he found himself sounding like one. Those moments earned him a few side-eyed glances from Mer. But all in all a good kid. Bailey? Well, that one left him wondering more often than not. And then there were times like the one where he managed to lose him at a Mariners game that the kid was just as much trouble as anybody else his age.

"Well I got a secret for ya." Gage looked at him curiously, fully intent on being let in on this secret. "Dads get scared too. A lot. They just don't show you all the time." The little boy still looked doubtful but seemed to accept the information for what it was. He could always ask for clarification later. Maybe from his own dad. "I think your dad would want you to have the surgery. So you can get better."

"But it's a lot of money…" he mumbled.

"You don't have to worry about the money, alright? That's for your mom and dad to figure out." Gage blinked. His daddy wanted him better. All this time he thought…

"Are they fighting 'cause of me?" he asked quietly. The doctor shook his head. One of the easiest answers he'd given anyone all day. This crap was never the kid's fault. Any parent who had them believe it had no place being one. "Oh…I really wish they would stop. I get that they don't wanna be together anymore but…"

"Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?" The young patient shook his head. "I think that's one of the hardest things about being old. A lot of stuff just happens. And sometimes it's really confusing. But not all of it has to make sense right away."

"I just wanna go home," he admitted. The simplicity of it all just made a pill like that so much harder to swallow.

"I know you do. But for right now you're gonna have to hang out with me, alright?" He could sense Gage starting to give in little by little, not entirely concerned that he wasn't jumping right into it. Nobody threw a party over the fact that they were being cut open. Well, there were a couple but those were incredibly rare.

"I gotta do the surgery, huh?" Alex nodded solemnly. Watching the little boy's face fall allowed him to crack the smallest smile. "I-I promise I'm not a baby," he said confidently.

"Never said you were," Alex confirmed.

"But I-I…. That's not the only reason…"

"The only reason for what?"

"I…I don't know what's gonna happen. What if I don't wake up?" That was a thought even the doctor couldn't entertain.

"I'm gonna make sure you wake up, okay?" Even promising as much to him put a fist in Alex's chest. Six years old and already he was thinking ahead to the dark side.

"Even if I'm having a really good dream," he ordered quietly. He almost wanted to ask what qualified as a "good dream" but stopped himself. No matter where the joy juice took him, Gage Dean was getting off that table.

"Come on. I think your mom might be ripping her hair out by now." When the little boy grimaced, Alex quietly laughed. Taking him up under his arms, Karev could feel every tense muscle in his body quietly turn to liquid, made even calmer when his head eased onto his shoulder.

"Dr. Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"We're supposed to go outside when there's a fire."

"I think we'll be okay just this once." Gage on his part looked more than skeptical but said nothing. Making his way back to where he all but abandoned his coworkers, Alex crafted and kept a knowing smirk across his lips. Bailey could and probably would have his ass for this later but whatever. The kid was safe and at the end of the day, that was all any of them really gave a crap about.

"We've walked the western perimeter. Tell Stokes to report in with—" Something about hearing the agent on the phone let Alex's ego balloon just a little bit more. "Hold it." He only met the suit's gaze for a brief moment before turning his attention to Bailey, a big sloppy smile across his face. It wasn't even the biggest achievement but he found it to be meaningful enough.

"Karev found him." Even just being acknowledged for the find was enough to satisfy the doctor. Despite being respected as a surgeon and one of her "babies", Alex knew himself to be a bit of a thorn in her side. A pain in most everyone's ass really but Bailey didn't exactly hide it all that often. She was a lot like Yang in that way.

"Kill the code. Start running the reports." The suit came through a bit of a funnel at this point. Alex didn't care much at all about where his head was. A "successful case" for him meant a successful find for them.

"He's okay." The doctor couldn't keep the relief out of his voice if he tried. He wasn't exactly sure when it happened but with every patient, he allowed himself a minute or two to share in their emotions. Somehow it always felt easier to sort through a kid's than his own. Gage was one of the few who managed to put a weight on his chest. _The crappy dad thing_. Whatever the case, he was just glad to have found him.

"Alright, how is he?" Miranda let her own wave of relief take over at the sight of the boy. Just looking at him in Alex's arms she was reminded so much of her own son, assumed missing at daycare no older than Dean. The chief made a mental note to be sure she went home and held her boy just a little bit longer tonight.

"Well, he's a little shaken up but no worse for the wear, right Gage?" The little boy managed the slightest nod. That seemed to be enough to satisfy everyone in the room.

"Well alrighty."

Alex tried his best not to scowl at the guy's turned back. For someone who claimed to be doing everything they could, he sure as hell never took any action. He just worked to give orders from his phone. "We're all making overtime today." _For doing nothing_ the surgeon thought. "He was hiding. Like I said."

"Alright buddy you can turn down the business man act now. It's getting kind of repetitive." Karev easily ignored the pointed look, instead drawing his attention back to Gage, all the while running the upcoming procedure in his head. Just to be on the safe side. "As for you…Let's go ahead and find your mom." Gage nodded enthusiastically, all early traces of uncertainty quick to fade.

The sight of his mother had the boy almost tearing from the doctor's arms. He never really took the time to notice it before but there was a certain way kids fit in their parent's arms that just seemed natural. Like no matter how big they ever got the parts would still fit. Why he even played with it now he wasn't sure. Maybe it was Grey and her kids. Maybe it had something to do with April being pregnant. Whatever it was, he found himself aware of the slightest changes in body language. Why it suddenly mattered he didn't know. _Whatever. Just the way it is._

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. And even when he seemed to give her nothing more than that, the peds surgeon couldn't help thinking that there had to be at least six different tones in those words.

"Sweetie, never do that again." Gage seemed all too happy to shake his head. No, he wouldn't. At least not for this. He wanted so many more chances to do even the stupidest things. Maybe even some of the stuff his mom got mad at him for. At least he'd be around to be mad at. Because Dr. Alex promised.

"I was scared about the pear-eh-toe…" he mumbled, his face screwing up when he lost most of the word to its ridiculous length. It wasn't one he'd ever even seen before.

"The peritonsilarbscess?" The young patient nodded, trying to keep the surprise quiet. How Alex managed a word like that amazed him. _Grown ups really are super smart_. "Look, don't be. You got this, buddy. Once I get in there and fix your throat, you're gonna feel so much better. You're gonna be eating ice cream and sliding down the rails of those stairs." Gage couldn't keep from looking at his mom with hope. Both were things he wasn't exactly allowed but her soft smile seemed to tell him otherwise. At least this time.

"And riding the elevator?" Quietly adding it to the list, he grinned widely when she rolled her eyes. "Mom, that's the best one!" The older woman didn't look at all convinced. But she wasn't exactly in any position to say no right then either. Even at six Gage could see the confliction. Chances like this were _never_ played out at home. Maybe being in the hospital wasn't so bad after all.

"Sure, whatever you want. Just no more running away, okay? It scares your mom. And I need to know where you are…at all times." Noting the change of tone in the doctor's words, the young boy's mother knew he was no longer talking to or about them. "I'm sorry. I need to go check on something." Giving his patient one last squeeze on the shoulder and a minor ruffle of the hair, Alex discretely made his exit. _What the fuck just happened?_

* * *

At the sound of her overexcited pager, the trauma surgeon let herself off at a run. Doing so was protocol for the hospital overall but trauma demanded a bit of a faster clip. Rushing through the swinging doors, April stopped cold. "I was paged. I— Oh my god. What—What is going on? What happened? What did you do?" Variations of the same question flew out almost without pause as she made her way over to the patient. _Chest compressions? That was usually saved for... Oh god…_

"Chief, I-I don't think she's going to make it." Well that was encouraging. Then again, DeLuca was only an intern. They were known to be unsure about almost anything. After what she had just walked in on, nerves were flying all over the place.

"You do not stop what you're doing," Bailey ordered. Upon her words, DeLuca felt his muscles tense. _Well, there goes that plan_ he thought, more than ready to hand it over to someone who actually had some vague idea of what they were doing.

"Get us some free hands. She needs central access and multiple units of blood." Despite being a hospital hallway, April was once again brought back through her day of trauma certification. The major difference was that they were all fake patients. These ones were all too real. An incident easy enough to avoid for those who weren't craving the scalpel. _They were trapped_. All the same it didn't mean they had to be so reckless.

"Tube's in. Call upstairs and tell them Robbins is gonna need a clear OR now. You're getting tired. Let's switch. Who butchered this woman?" Miranda's question rang out clear across the room. As important as it was that they get a name, the doctor couldn't help but zero in on the patient under her hands.

"I need cricoid pressure!" The chief froze, sudden realization creating a layer of bile at the back of her throat.

"I know this patient. This is Gretchen McKay," she whispered. For the briefest moment she fell back into her memory. Gretchen was the first out of the ambulance. It had taken the doctor two full minutes to get the woman's name. Only after promising the safety of her children and husband did she seem to give into the medical attention she so badly needed. Bailey knew nothing after that, whisked away on a possible Code Pink.

* * *

April groaned. Today was turning out to be even more backwards than the week before. Whether or not surprise was the most vital ingredient in trauma, it was a different rush when it took place outside of the pit. Though in this sense "rush" wasn't always a good word for the general havoc that ensued. "Hey, do you know what happened? I just heard that Gretchen McKay needs a crash-c. You should tell the NICU that the baby's coming." _About that_ April thought, her insides doing some of their most advanced backflips. What she'd just seen was wrong in so many aspects. There was no question in regards to how fireable an offense it was but things seemed to play out differently when you went to bed with the chief. Just the thought of it made April blush. Sex should never get in the way of proper punishment.

"Arizona—" she began. How to say it without bringing to life the sleeping dragon that often resided in her best friend's chest?

"If she's lost blood, then the baby's lost even more. Has she even been cross-matched?" _Somehow I highly doubt that_. As one of their older residents, Warren wasn't exactly rebellious. Today's stunt was only one of two that April had even heard of. If he managed to slip anything else under his belt, he kept it well hidden. However, the ones that brought him the unwanted attention certainly put the man at centre stage. Not even Karev was this impulsive.

"The crash-c already happened," she mumbled, frustration rising in her own chest now. Nothing like this had ever happened at Mercy West. No intern was perfect but the line had to be drawn somewhere. From what she could see, Ben Warren drew that fine line far off in the distance. Of his classmates he was known for taking the most risk. Hopefully this would show him that sometimes colouring inside the lines was a good thing.

"What?!" It was in reactions like this that allowed the trauma surgeon to see just how alike the two of them were. "Damn interns," she muttered. April offered her collogue a questioning glance.

"I'm pretty sure an intern wouldn't be _that_ thoughtless," she pointed out quietly behind her mask.

"Well whoever the hell it was just made my job a whole lot harder."

* * *

Well aware of the hovering shadow behind him, Alex drew every ounce of his focus into the newborn. Not only was it necessary but he couldn't be bothered to even _look_ at Warren just yet. _Just 'cause you take the chief to bed doesn't mean you get to walk around here like you own the place._ If he wasn't already so irritated with the guy (really the situation in general), he would have offered a smirk at his own attempt at humour. His money didn't help buy the hospital but he was finally a member of the board. The fact that his best friend's husband had to die for it to happen made him feel like crap but at least now he had some pull like the rest of his friends.

"He's not oxygenating. Page cardio and neuro." Barely aware of the satisfying shuffle of nurses and doctors, Alex took a deep breath, finally turning his attention to the mindless resident behind him. "How old is this baby? How far along was she?"

"Uh 32 w—No, 34 weeks, I think." For a guy who once knew how to man an oxygen mask…Not that the two were even remotely related but medicine was medicine. You either knew what you were doing or you got the hell out. _Which one is it?_ he growled.

"You think? Was she pre-eclamptic? Diabetic?" There had to be at least _some_ moderately good reasoning behind this. The doctor couldn't help but give himself a second to laugh. It fell out without humour but took shape regardless. Behind him Ben blinked. What about any of this was funny?

"Dr. Karev?"

"Answer the question Dr. Warren," he ordered. The resident swallowed hard, trying to find the least offensive set of words to express the urgency. "Was there evidence of an abruption or a previo—?"

"No, no. I mean, yeah. It was a delayed abruption. Or seemed to be. She was hypertensive—"

"This hospital already has one Dr. Kepner," he muttered. Now Ben was thoroughly lost. What did the trauma surgeon have to do with him and the surgery he'd just performed? Was he supposed to have paged her first? _You couldn't get a hold of anyone_ he reminded himself. They were meant to be used as words of comfort. Instead, they managed to make him feel sick. _What the hell did I do_? "She's the one you page when stuff gets hairy. Either her or Hunt. But he's as good as Dr. Frankenstein so April would've definitely been the better choice." Not that he didn't respect the guy because he did. He was a good doctor. He just happened to be a very different one. What he excelled at though was being chief. Nobody beat Webber but he was a close second.

"None of this would've happened if Hunt was still in charge," he mumbled. That wasn't to say that interns weren't still stupid. That didn't excuse residents for thinking that just because they passed their intern exams and essentially graduated they could run the halls of this hospital unattended.

"Sorry I'm…I'm lost here. Is this some kind of lecture you're giving me?"

"I'm telling you that your wife is lazy," he grumbled. This was a confession that surprised even Alex. As his resident, she would've never let any of them get away with this crap. Now he couldn't help noticing the looser grip she had on the people in this hospital.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. Forget it."

"What's this got to do with how Miranda runs this hospital?" Pretty close to everything but Ben didn't seem to notice the connection Didn't the guy know how to use a damn pager? Were his balls so big he didn't even think to ask for help? Apparently so. And now here he was (along with most of the surgical staff) doing his best at damage control.

"History of RH incompatibility? Talk to me, Warren. I need to know what I'm dealing with here." Ben could only open and close his mouth like a fish out of water. What more could he possibly say without getting himself shot in the process?

* * *

When Arizona woke up this morning, an emergency like this was the last thing she ever pictured. Knowing that one of their own had put not only one but two patients in a compromising position made slapping the idiot clear across the face a very viable option. She made a mental note to lay out her own punishment if she found them on her service again. _If they're not fired for pulling this crap_ … Even while considering it, she didn't see any other alternative really. Not even Alex had never been this daring. "Alright, I need some retractors here. Kocher clamps. I can't see a damn thing. Now!" _Dammit Warren._

"Keep the laps coming," April barked. "Come on, I need more laps, now."

"Is she—Is she gonna make it?" The question was given so hesitantly that it somehow managed to make the blonde more irritated than she already was. Part of her wanted to get DeLuca as far away from the patient as possible to keep anything else from going wrong. The rest of her knew that she had to make this a teaching opportunity. For at least a few minutes she let the first part win out.

"Be quiet. Suction." Alright so maybe he deserved that. But it wasn't like it was his idea in the first place. Warren was the one who had called him over, practically demanded his help. Not that they had many options but still.

"I'm trying to get you visibility," April chirped. Trying was the keyword here. They were as good as blind trying to work through this mess. The chief standing over them like she was certainly wasn't helping but she wasn't about to say anything.

"You got this?" The trauma surgeon bit her lip behind her mask. No, they really didn't. But if she could just give them room to work, they might have a decent shot.

"Okay, retract there."

"On it."

"Robbins, do you have this?" She needed an answer before she even thought to move onto the next part of this nightmare. What followed would be the most difficult. Confronting her husband was the last thing she ever thought she would have to do. It was one thing to argue at home. At work, she never even conceived that Ben would be the one to cause trouble. And yet, for the second time in only weeks, she was proved wrong once again. Clipboards, solo surgeries without authorization. It was all just so unfathomable. Ben had been in medicine for years. Now that he had graduated to something that gave him a higher adrenaline rush, he seemed to be pushing as many buttons as he could put his hands on.

"No Bailey! No. I do not have this. Now, stop talking to me so I can concentrate on getting it," she snapped. It was when the pediatric surgeon let off a sound of disgust that Miranda quietly removed herself from the situation. "Who did this?" Going back to not knowing who felt almost easier now that she had a name and someone to punish. This wasn't the first time she wondered why the hell Ben got the impression that surgery was a good idea. He did just fine as the gas man. Easily one of their most reliable, even though at first he had a habit of sending her and her patience up the wall.

* * *

Gretchen's voice came through as clear as his own, her question its own musical mantra. As much as he stressed that they would both be fine, now he wasn't so sure. The scene before him felt more like a spinning top than a swarm of doctors fighting to save lives. _Those are your thoughts_ he corrected. If Dr. Karev had anything else for him, he could guarantee a valid answer even less now.

"Crap. He's bradying down," Alex whispered. As hard as it was to string thoughts and explanations together, he had to try. He had to be sure that what he was trying to accomplish was somehow understood and possibly validated. He was trying to be a doctor.

"The mom abrupted. She needed an emergency C-section." Taking in the hurried hands and frantic tones he realized now that waiting might have been more logical. But waiting also left room for things to go from bad to worse in a matter of seconds.

"In the middle of the hallway? What the hell happened?" He himself was known for questionable calls but even he knew to cut in designated locations. "Were you that desperate for a high?" he muttered. "The only place you pull a stunt like this in the middle of the damn desert. You wanna learn how to do that without killing people, talk to Hunt. Because this…. This is…I don't even wanna try and understand where your head was at," he sighed. "But if we have a chance in hell, I gotta know _why_ you were being this stupid."

"You have to understand. I-I would have lost them both," he reasoned. At the time he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. Every door was bolted shut. Help wasn't coming for who knew how long.

"Well, now we might anyway. Send for an ABG now." Hearing those words put a knot in the resident's throat. He'd chosen medicine to _save_ lives, not destroy them. He made the change for the opportunity to make a difference. He never set out to be a murderer. Life might as well put a gun in his hands right then and there.

"Okay, what else can I do?" He knew the answer long before he shaped the question but he felt it necessary. If he was the one to single-handedly ruin it for an entire family, he had to do _something_ to make up for his poor judgement.

"Nothing. Just—Just stand there." Something about the order froze Warren in place. He still couldn't quite understand where everything had gone so horribly wrong. Gretchen was doing just fine moments before. She was going on about her kids for godsake. The last piece of that thought had a way of throwing him back a little. How the hell was he going to frame this for children under the age of eleven? How would anyone?

"No, I-I want to help." It didn't take much for him to realize how disjointed the answer was. They weren't words meant for what was currently in front of him. Instead, they echoed like an explanation for his actions. Actions that now had two innocent lives hanging in the balance. By his hand.

"Think you've done enough," Alex muttered. As much as it stung, Ben knew he deserved the verbal slap. Considering the unravelling of unfortunate events, he might as well have been _asking_ for it. "Just…sit on your hands and watch. Try and learn something. If you can't do that, get the hell out," he ordered gruffly.

"Dr. Warren, I need to speak with you, privately." _Or you know, have your wife pull you out by your ear_ he mused. The second option, beyond looking like the most probable outcome was also the most entertaining picture for Alex.

"W-when the baby's stable I'll find you. I-I need to stay. I need to assist. W-we need to increase the frequency to 600 BPMs. And set the I.T. to 33%"

"Now you know your job," he muttered. "A little late for that." He would be stupid to think that any hospital shift came and went smoothly. In its very nature surgery was fast-paced and problematic. But in his last twelve years, he couldn't remember anything this bad. Snipping LVads was almost acceptable next to this. At least then they were working together to give a guy a decent life. These ones were pretty much over. Not exactly optimistic but Karev was all out of hope by now. Not that he was all that great at keeping it anyway.

"Dr. Warren, I'm not asking. Come with me…right now." His hands were full but even if they weren't, nobody had to turn around to see the kicked puppy that followed Bailey out of the room.

* * *

"Diffuse loss of muscle tone," Amelia mumbled quietly. As hard as she tried to stay objective, almost everything about this baby was bringing in thoughts and feelings she tried so hard to keep down. Not only had he been forced into the world long before he was ready for it but existing swung like a pendulum.

"I can't get him to oxygenate." Alex had lost track of just how many times those words had been muttered in the last few hours. The fact that they slipped out in much the same order made him feel strangely robotic. For only a minute he silently wished Kepner was in there with them. He wouldn't outright ask her to pray or anything but there was a certain change in her body language when she looked like she might be consulting something far beyond the power of medicine. Alex wasn't sure if entertaining it made him any kind of believer but he wasn't against the power of positivity. And even that was fading fast. If it hadn't already.

"He needs to go on ECMO." Not until he opened his mouth did Karev even remember that Riggs was somewhere in the room. In what stream of thought did that call make any sense? The slightest gust of wind could knock the little guy over in barely a second. _Not that he's ever really been able to breathe on his own at all._ Even knowing this huge amounts of circulating oxygen could overwhelm his entire system.

"You think this little guy can handle that?"

"No," he muttered. But they had taken to shots in the dark from the minute this kid was ripped out of his mom. As much as it frustrated them, nothing on a normal scale seemed to be doing one bit of difference.

"Neither do I but it's the only chance he has," Nathan added.

"Stats are in the 80s." Like any of them needed to know just how screwed this baby was. Numbers only seemed to make it worse, the neuro surgeon's gaze gravitating to the tiny body made entirely of tubes and wires. Despite being fully intact, watching the little one struggle was almost worse than watching her own baby fade. Hers had run on an hourglass. This one clung to life like kids trying to preserve floating bubbles. Just thinking about touching them popped their fragile surfaces. _Any chance is better than no chance_.

"I'm with you. Do it." Not entirely true but it was better than having to imagine no life at all for this baby. The idea of such big machines barely holding him upright made her want to throw up. In all her years as a surgeon she had only seen this many machines on a handful of patients, none of them this small.

"We need parental consent. Where are the parents?" Great question. For all Alex knew, Mom could be crossing to the other side or whatever. He had yet to even get a look at the father, let alone talk to the guy. And now, he wasn't sure if any of them would.

"Mom's in OR 1, Dad's in OR 2. Just go ahead and do it." If this was God's idea of a date night for the couple, he sure as hell wasn't laughing.

* * *

"The uterine arteries are clamped, but there's still blood everywhere." _Dominos_ she thought. No matter how hard they tried to stop one stone from falling over, the ones behind it were coming down in perfectly synchronized motion. Anything else would have felt like a perfectly choreographed dance number. That was surgery done right. Gretchen was coming apart like a demolished building. No matter how quickly they worked to repair her, patch work continued to come undone. In a matter of minutes this mom of four would bleed out and once that happened it was all downhill from there.

Daring to give herself a minute to breathe, she let her thoughts once again wander to her own baby. _The safest place he'll ever be_ she repeated to herself. Overcome with a second's peace she thought once more of Alex. All she could do was pray that he was having more luck than they were.

"She's not clotting. She's in D.I.C. Order eight more units of blood and FFP."

"Well, how's she doing?" The trauma surgeon felt herself go rigid with frustration. As necessary as these interviews were, the OR was never the ideal place to have them. Not when they had their hands in an open body cavity. _How's it look like we're doing?_ she thought. April almost laughed at how very much like Karev she sounded then. If she had the nerve to speak the words, there was no telling just what kind of reactions they would get her. Especially from Arizona. The two could read each other terrifyingly well. She likely knew every come back he'd ever made as well as where and why he used certain ones.

"Oh good. Bailey, where's Warren? I wanna talk to him. What the hell happened?" At this point even April had to think there wasn't a lot of explaining left to do. Ben made a call. A call that was intended to save the lives of both mother and child. How that turned out was yet to be determined. All they had left was hope and faith in their ability to do damage control.

"Well, that's what I wanna know. Grey handed this patient off to you in the ER." Yeah and after that she would hope he followed directions. Seeing as she was elbow deep in a woman's uterus the hope was all for not.

"Yeah. Suction. And then DeLuca said they got stuck, and then they had to—"

"Well, where were you when all this happened?" _Doing my job_ the blonde thought sarcastically. She didn't expect to have to hold a grown man's hand through everything. Especially when the next step was literally taking a few pictures.

"Hang another two units on the Level 1."

"The suction's not working. Fix it." Not only was giving themselves enough room to see virtually anything going nowhere but having Bailey once more down their necks for information wasn't exactly helping their focus. She wondered if Alex would find the nerve to boot her if he was in her place. Even though it shouldn't have, the thought made her smile a little. Her boyfriend (if that's what they even were) lacked social grace in various areas of life. In the OR under pressure it did wonders for efficiency. She only wished she'd been able to see more of that from closer than the gallery window. In these few moments she wished to be brave enough to demand it herself. _Boyfriend_ she thought, the word playing nicely on her thoughts. Behind her mask she tried it in her mouth, the feel of it and its new association making her blush.

"Robbins," she called once more. Biting the inside of her cheek, Arizona flipped through her mental files. How much could a resident really do on an order for a CT? The answer? A lot. Not that she even thought it possible. That was something meant for interns…Guppies. Ben was already well-seasoned. Or so she thought.

"Um, I had—I had Warren take her to CT."

"Well, why didn't you take her? W-What were you doing?" The surgeon didn't bother looking up when addressed. Busy hands didn't necessarily allow for that. It also gave her the opportunity to openly roll her eyes at an angle Bailey couldn't see. _Because your husband's a big boy, Dr. Bailey_.

"I-I don't—I don't even know, Bailey. She was stable. A resident can take a stable patient to CT." At least, most of them were capable of it. Even someone as shaky as Cross could do it decently and he was only an intern. As uncomfortable as it made her to think so, his tendency toward extreme caution may have made him more qualified. But that would require the doctor being on her service, which he hadn't been.

"Well knowing her fetus is in distress. You think a resident should—"

"Bailey, they were both stable when I left them with Warren!" The shorter woman startled. She knew the pediatric surgeon to have a bit of a tongue on her but to use it when she was just trying to get answers was unexpected. She needed to know the whole truth, hear every piece of the story before she handed down punishment to anyone. She sighed, realization finally taking her by the hand. No matter how many different ways she tried to look at it, they were Ben's hands who put them in this very position. Ben's and only Ben's.

"She was fine when I left her. Oh-chromic." No matter how many different ways that was being confirmed, nothing about the situation at present was _fine_.

"Besides, it's Warren. Clamp." April mentally sighed. If anyone could do a decent job of removing a baby and closing the mother it was him. That much she gathered from her own past experiences with him. What took the resident in virtually the opposite direction still stumped her.

"What do you mean "It's Warren"?" Miranda asked quizzically.

"I mean if there was any resident I'd want to do an emergency C-section, it's Warren. He's good." Comforting. At least a little.

"He has done them before," Bailey agreed, though her tone spoke of doubt she never thought she would hold over him.

"If he said he had to, I believe him," April chirped. The only mystery was how that trust had taken them so far down the hill.

"He had to. He saved her life," DeLuca muttered. _Really?_ Arizona thought sarcastically. What they were dealing with now looked like anything but a saved life. All the same, she had been the one to put them here. The chief was right. It would have saved them both all of this crap if she just spared five minutes to take the scans herself.

"Alright, be quiet! Basin." If they were going to reverse any of this she needed close to absolute silence. When monitors began blaring moments later, the blonde looked up, barely able to hold back a knowing sigh. _Dammit_. This was the freaking tumble weed down the hill they had all been fighting like hell to push back up. "Suction." From then they were a mess of hands simply trying to keep Gretchen McKay alive.

"Robbins." Barely a whisper it took the doctor a minute to look up. _Crap…._

"Okay, DeLuca, start CPR." At this point even the intern new there wasn't much else they could do. He had helped Warren make a literal mess of everything else but this he could do. This he _had_ to do. Not because he had been told but because he felt he owed it to the woman to keep trying, keep fighting. He only hoped the universe took into account their efforts and made something good happen. Even if it was the slightest chance ever. "You can stop now." The intern didn't even have enough focus to shake his head in refusal choosing instead to keep with measured chest compressions. "Stop DeLuca." Her next few words came through in a fog, her order distorted. "I said stop!" The silence that followed hung over every surgeon like a led weight. _Anything but dominos_ April thought, the fist around her heart wrapping around her impossibly tight. "Time of death 17:02." _Please help Alex_ she all but pleaded.

* * *

It was near impossible to keep her eyes from pouring over. If what laid in front of her wasn't enough reason, the cloud that hung over her in the OR was all too happy to follow her. Bailey couldn't even find words as she watched Alex wrap the small lifeless body in nothing bigger than a tea towel. _Why?_

Jackson had lost count of just how often he'd been past this room. Each time he trued to muster the courage to at the very least offer a moment of support. And with each try, he would find himself standing outside of it, trying hard to keep from being noticed. His routine worked for the most part. Until he realized that his friend hadn't moved an inch in the last six attempts he'd made to check up on him.

"Hey, just wanted to uh, see how you're holding up."

"I'm not," he said plainly. And why the hell would he be. He'd gone over every frame of memory spent on Gretchen. As hard as he tried he could find no logical alternative to what he'd done. "Look, she was dying and I'm telling you, I did the right thing." But then if that was true, why did he feel so much like the hospital fuck up?

"No, no, no, no. You probably should not be telling me any of this, right?" As a member of the board, the last thing he needed was this story. Add the fact that he owned the hospital itself…Well, Ben would put them both knee deep in more trouble than they were already in.

"Right. Of course. Um… Okay um…How are you doing?" Like that path was any better…The plastic surgeon sighed. _Of the two evils_ …

"Alright, ten minutes."

"What?"

"You got ten minutes. Anything you tell me in those ten minutes you never told me. You got ten minutes and I'm out. I was never here. Go." Something about this agreement sounded a lot like having the whole thing expunged. If only erasing the situation that easily was an option

"Look, I-I didn't want to do it. I was out of options. She was crashing. She got hypertensive. It was the only way I could help her. We lost the baby's heartbeat. Sh-She was crashing…I told her no." From where Avery was standing Ben was pretty damn sure he sounded as sane as a psych patient but he wasn't sure how else to explain it. He'd gone over his reasoning at least a hundred times. He had—quite literally— _no_ other alternative. As messed up as it might have sounded, even Warren's disaster sounded more logical than his own.

* * *

As much as he tried to avoid legal action, April somehow managed to put them both there. In what _universe_ would Jackson even _consider_ taking a child from his mother? Catherine might think it made all the sense in the world but his mother seemed to get high on the thought of thought of standing taller than almost anyone. "Is she still trying to accuse me of harassment? I tried to take the high road. This—'

"Apparently the high road is paved with restraining orders," Catherine muttered.

"Mother…" he offered in warning. The restraint he needed to keep from placing blame was pressing down on him heavily. If she had just minded her own damn business…

"I'm sorry. I'll be quiet," she mumbled.

"You're not sorry. This is what you _wanted_. My ex-wife and I tearing each other apart like animals over an innocent child. And for what? Rights she would already be giving me? Did you know I have to stay within 100 feet of her at all times?" The mandatory distance was easily the hardest part. In the last few years he'd been given permission to understand every part of her. The way her hair fell at odd angles first thing in the morning…How much sugar she put in her coffee every morning. Just enough to get her going but not too overpowering. So was the reasoning she gave anyway. Always put through a coffeemaker she had set for 5am because she couldn't stand the thought of spending so much money on lattes. He even missed the times when he caught her folding laundry. The woman's voice was right out of a Disney movie. She freaking sang. Not necessarily to make folding pass quickly but…from what he could tell, she thoroughly _enjoyed_ the process.

"The restraining order actually works for us. When we take her to court to have it lifted, she won't be able to prove any of these allegations and her character will be called into question, which is exactly where we want to be."

"Because?"

"Because once that baby is born, you will have a very good shot at obtaining full custody." Not what he had in mind. Not what he had in mind at all.

"Thanks Catherine," he growled. The appointed woman's eyebrows arched impossibly high. As long as her son had been alive she had never been addressed by her name. Disgruntled "moms" and "mothers" were frequent but she'd come to expect them.

"Excuse me?"

"Your power trip addiction is gonna make my kid fatherless."

"Don't be ridiculous, Jackson. We're here to make sure all of these crazy restrictions are put to rest." Allowing his memory to replay the few moments at the elevator, the redhead's warning rang through his entire body. _My relationship with Dr. Karev is not and has never been any of your business..._ No real confirmation was needed then. Her tone said it all. _Alex Karev is_ _ **not**_ _the father_. If his mom really insisted on pushing this, his voice in the matter was growing smaller and smaller by the minute.

* * *

"Full custody? No. He would never." Though she thought very poorly of his forceful behaviour and wished to be as far away from any trace of it as possible, she hadn't even considered the idea that an attempt to keep her child safe would result in being left with nothing. "That's not who he is…." She whispered. "I don't…. I'm sorry but I don't understand how that's even…" Even while in disjointed thought, she felt herself take a death grip on Arizona's hand, silently apologizing for the pressure she put behind it. In return, the blonde discreetly shook her head while squeezing back gently.

"He would." Two painfully simple words. And yet, they seemed to hold the destructive power that could tear down entire cities. At the very least they were chipping away at her already challenged spirit.

"I'm sorry but you don't know Jackson Avery like I do. He's not…He's not…He's never been this cold…" _Yes he has_ her memory countered, easily betraying the little confidence she still had in her ex-husband. "No man would take a child from his mother. Only if she…"I don't do drugs," she offered shyly. "I drink responsibly. I would never even dream of endangering the life of my child. Given our history, I'm afraid to do so much as move. But life as a surgeon d-doesn't allow for that," she stammered. Swallowing hard, she took comfort in the sleek casing of her cellphone, silently wondering where _he_ was now. What she wouldn't give to be wrapped in his arms right then. The calm and quiet that followed him…

"Alex…" she mumbled. Arizona blinked. She could count the number of times her colleague's name had passed her lips. It wasn't necessarily odd to hear but the context and situation in which she did was curious. _I need him_. She never felt more pathetic than when she let herself string those words together. She didn't necessarily _need_ him perse but his perspective in the moment would've been extremely helpful. And even if he had none to offer her, at least an awareness of him would keep her from biting her jagged nails down to nothing.

"Look, I know that I'm just here for support, but why would Jackson do that?" She let the way her student's name sounded falling from her friend's mouth bounce around slowly. The two weren't exactly enemies but they weren't Batman and Robin by any means. That was a role she often associated with Jackson.

"Because it's exactly what I would advise her to do. Whether you meant it or not, April, this restraining order started an arms race." The trauma surgeon could feel her own breath growing heavy, the room they sat in beginning to spin.

"The restraining order was a mistake. Can't we just take it back?" She didn't exactly care how childish the question was. Her attempts at good intention were beginning to snowball, the object's speed increasing with every word that fell out of the attorney's mouth.

"I'm serious here. Do not try to talk to him. The restraining order needs to stand. We have to do this together, okay?" The urge to curl up in a corner of the upholstered room with the hope of ignoring everything was only intensifying.

"This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. After everything that happened with Samuel I just—I just want to keep this baby safe…" She didn't need anyone to tell her just how much it happened to backfire. Fighting the urge to cry, she let a hand wander to her growing belly. She couldn't keep from calling it a secondary touchstone. Very few things could keep her head from spinning anymore. Her growing baby was without question one of them.

"Good. See? You felt your baby was in danger. That's great. That we can use." _Use_. The word itself sounded so deliberate. Goal oriented. The redhead barely nodded, briefly brushing her pocket out of habit.

"If you'll excuse me...I-I need to make a phone call," she whispered. She had no idea how long it took her just to stand from the chair she sat in. What she was aware of was the amount of honest to God effort it took to get her out into the hall and against the closest wall. She found his name blindly, selfishly hoping he would be able to answer. Even if it lasted no more than five minutes. When he finally did, his voice seemed to turn the lock to all her supressed emotions.

"April," he whispered. In the quiet that followed her name she couldn't help letting them come faster and harder. She felt herself shrinking under all the sudden pressure, sliding slowly against the wall until she found padding on the carpeted floor. Any other person would fill the air with questions and related inquiry. Alex…Alex just seemed to take it all in.

If he didn't already know how to read her silence, he would think that calling him had been an accident. Acknowledgment seemed to be all she needed to come apart completely. Though he rarely let it affect him too much, something about the combination of wordlessness and tears stole his own breath. The woman he knew was filled to the brim with useless words. The woman he knew cried with frantic confessions on every breath. "You wanna fill me in?" he whispered.

"C-C-Custody," she stammered, the single word drenched in pain that played on his own heart. He couldn't be serious. Avery had done a lot of stupid crap in the last few years. His actions had been even more questionable recently. But this? This made no sense at all.

"You still at the office?" April nodded, strands of hair glued at random angles along her cheeks.

"Y-Y-Yes," she added hoarsely.

"You want me to come get you?" Sure he was on shift but the most pressing part of his job was days ago. All they had now were sitdowns so they might be able to figure out what the hell they were gonna do about Warren. And those could wait an hour.

"N-N-No….I-I have a ride."

"Can you put her on the phone for me?" April froze. She hadn't told anyone where she was, let alone what she was doing there and who she was with. "I know it's Robbins," he smiled. "Give her the phone for a minute." As she pulled away the object, she stared at it confused for a long minute. With a slight scowl she placed the phone in her friend's hand. Hesitantly Arizona brought it to her ear.

"What do you need, Karev?" As much as the phone call confused her, the reason April felt she needed to make it was an even bigger question unanswered.

"Alright, I know this is going to sound weird…"

"Is it a patient?" she asked quickly, already flipping through her mental directory of possibilities for various diagnoses.

"Ummmm…Could you just…. take April home?"

"Well...seeing as I'm her ride home I was kind of preparing for that," she joked. Or at least she tried to make it sound like one. Really, the phrase came out with yet another layer of wonder added.

"To Mer's," he clarified.

"Uhhhh…Okay. I can do that…I just…I'm wondering why."

"If this is the crap he's really going to try and pull, I don't want her going back to the apartment. I can't take her to the loft 'cause of Jo…Could you just…Please?" The blonde nodded slowly before realizing that she had to verbalize her response. This was making even less sense than before. Part of her wanted to ask him why but it would probably sound distasteful to the frantic mother to be. She knew the two were friends. She just never thought to imagine that they were…Well, that was curiosity for another day. The warning to keep quiet seemed to rest in his rare use of the word "please." She'd learned over the years that he rarely found a need for it. And when he did… "Thanks…. Just…Tell her to keep breathing. I'll be there soon. Get her some tea or something. When she feels ready, we'll head back. It's a slow day. "

"Alex, that's not…"

"Arizona, I need you to do this for me, okay? I'll explain later."

"Alright…" With a bit of a scowl, the blonde handed the phone back, watching while she kept it in trembling hands. "It's not good for the baby," she whispered. Looking up, April held her stomach protectively, silently lecturing herself on her ability to cause this child more harm than good before it was even here. "Deep breaths…" While April slowly complied she found the grip she kept on the phone a strange comfort. The pediatric attending made a mental note to ask Alex about that later.

* * *

She would have to find and thank him later. After three mugs of tea and Arizona's company to keep her head clear, Alex had found them both curled up on Meredith's couch. When her friend seemed to miraculously reveal her own key-cut she thought nothing of it, simply grateful to have a place to collect her thoughts. After enough time had come and gone, Alex had taken the three of them back to the hospital. The fact that she was working alongside Dr. Wilson hardly seemed to phase her after coming down from that. That didn't necessarily stop the feeling of awkwardness but it felt like less of a battle in comparison.

"A post-surgical hernia is not all that uncommon but given its size, we're gonna need to do a special procedure to close the gap without tension on the—What are you—What are you doing?"

"Uh, I've just gotten in the habit of just sort of shoving it all back in there. Is that not okay?"

"Um…" April could feel her entire body go cold. Whether it was in preparation for their all too familiar power struggle or the genuine fear it hardly seemed to matter anymore. _Of all people it has to be you_ she thought.

"Um, Wilson we will be right back." The resident hardly seemed to notice the stretchable tension between them. In a sense, the trauma surgeon took comfort in her oblivion. The fewer people who understood the cloud of darkness, the better. Pulling the separating curtain around them, she let the feeling of unavailable touch infuse her with fresh courage. Without it she wasn't sure how she was meant to face him.

"What are you doing?"

"Wilson called for a plastics consult for your CSR, which I obviously can't do with you standing here. Unless you wanna violate the terms of your own restraining order." Again with the damn piece of paper. As much as she was often found regretting it, there was comfort in knowing that the law kept her and her unborn child untouched by the pending bloodshed. At least for the moment.

"I'm not—I'm not violating anything because you're gonna go, okay? Just send someone else, please." Jackson scowled. Why was he always the one who had to make the effort of giving April her little bubble?

"Why don't we ask the patient? He'd want a consult from the best plastic surgeon in this hospital." All logic aside, she wasn't too keen on his biting attitude. In just one comment, he managed to belittle her dignity as well as her career and he hadn't even given up the last piece of his insult yet.

"You know that this is just as much a general surgery as it is plastics."

"Right and there are plenty of general surgeons and only one of me." The trauma surgeon rolled her eyes, resisting every muscle twitch her body offered to keep her hands to herself.

"The almighty Jackson is among us," she mused bitterly. Despite himself, the smirk that came across his features was automatic. April was taking this shit way too far.

" _Now_ which one of us is being dramatic?" he teased.

"I was here first." The plastics attending scoffed. What were they? Twelve? Anything else that might have been added to the argument was easily drowned out by the patient's sneeze, reminding them both why they were here at all. First or second didn't count for much. At least not for the next ten or fifteen minutes.

* * *

"Guys, we can't go back in time here. I mean there's no way to know how it would have turned out." The frustration the surgeon let through him at the time of the incident had long since quieted to a murmur. He let the fact that there was no changing it give them the perspective needed to actually find the appropriate punishment for Warren. Not that he wouldn't be dealt with using kid gloves or anything since his wife ran the joint but whatever. He was just part of the clean up crew. It didn't make very much sense to keep going over it when nothing on it was going to give them a new outcome. Gretchen McKay and her baby were gone. As much as the thought pissed him off, there was at least _something_ they could do about it.

"I mean, I sure wouldn't have opened her up in a hallway if I didn't have to but Warren's saying that he didn't have a choice," Arizona mumbled. If evidence by security camera wasn't enough to go on, Ben's desperation to cover his own ass was a giveaway in itself. But that was beside the point. "Except for those doors—I mean…"

"Yeah. The doors were open," Alex muttered.

"How do you not see those doors?" she added, still trying to understand how something so blatantly obvious was just…ignored.

"And as for the baby?" Maggie prompted. Alex had to bite back a bit of a groan. They had all done so much in an attempt to save the baby and after hours of trying practically everything, it was all for nothing. He had done everything short of backhand springs to get the kid to start breathing. It was all crap. Pure crap.

"He was acidotic, not oxygenating. We had to put him on ECMO."

"Which was unsuccessful," Peirce offered.

"That kind of profusion could be too much for smaller babies. Riggs suggested ECMO. We all agreed."

"Wait, so Riggs suggested it," Owen repeated. From where she sat, Meredith let potential commentary he might add float in samples around her head.

"Yeah."

"And you agreed with that." The general surgeon didn't exactly sound skeptical but she knew the information would rub Owen the wrong way. No matter what the outcome Nathan was a ready target for his anger. As well as she understood it, how he managed to link him to _everything_ would have to stop eventually. They were all adults here. They could eventually learn to coexist with some kind of peace between them.

"Well, I was worried but we were out of options."

"So, the ECMO that Riggs suggested—It exacerbated the problem?" The trauma surgeon took this as his own wayward victory. One more reason on a list of many as to his poor contributions to Grey-Sloan.

"Like I said, we were out of options." Hunt didn't exactly look like he believed him but whatever. The truth was the truth. Karev had never been known for anything less.

"Well, I think that's all we need from you guys. Thank you."

"Yeah. Sure thing."

"Good luck."

* * *

Of all the immature crap he had to pull… "You stole my patient?" This was one of the many times she hated her impulsive decision to draw up the paperwork. Keeping him at a distance had them battling it out over a sick person's well-being. _What kind of Christian are you?_ she thought, once more infused with disgust. They had both taken an oath to put their patient's best interest above their own. And here she was finding one more reason to fight. _Not like he had never done the same._

"He's my patient, alright? And you should probably step back about—I don't know a hundred feet." If they weren't being "supervised" April would take the heavy file across the plastic surgeon's head. No matter how right he was, the way he went about reminding her sounded nothing like the man she'd married.

"Alright now," Webber offered in his usually calm manner. April really wasn't sure whether to appreciate it or grimace.

"This man needs a plastic surgeon."

"And a general surgeon," she fired back.

"Which is why Dr. Webber is scrubbing in with me, alright? I'm head of plastics. I have seniority here. So I'm not going to step down just because you decided to file a restraining order."

This—This is not—Oh for fucksakes, Jackson!" The word was out before she could even think to stop herself. Their audience of one raised his aged brows in surprise but said nothing. Had the entire hospital really gotten so used to them that they didn't even _speak_ anymore. _God…_ "Can you go a _day_ without dangling that thing over my head? Yes, I filed it. Yes, I know very well what it says. But for just a minute, for a freaking sixty seconds, can we _try_ being adults? Or is it really so hard for you to go one battle without making me feel like crap? Because if you care to remember, it was _you_ who made demands that left me feeling unsafe. The divorce…Grabbing me at the nurse's desk in front of _everyone_. Something that surprised even Alex who I am sure has seen just about everything, she added without humour. "I don't have to remind you about the last of them…" she said, her voice low. No matter how much it appeals to you, it's not happening. And until you can prove yourself to be the father I know you can be, this wide berth between us will stick."

"Okay, you know—Okay. Now that's enough. Now this patient isn't going to get less than our best just because the two of you aren't allowed to be in the same room. I'm scrubbing in with Avery. End of discussion." Her long-winded outburst just left the surgeon shaking her head. Every ounce of energy had somehow gone right out of her with just a few sharp phrases.

"Fine. Whatever." She had better places to put the little that she still had. "Just try not to screw it up."

* * *

Getting up at the sound of her alarm was taking more and more effort with each passing day. She wasn't even sure if she could blame the natural progression of her growing belly anymore. If anything the life inside of her seemed to give April a constant that the baby's father didn't seem capable of lately

"Morning," she smiled rubbing her belly lovingly. No more than a moment passed before a light pressure was put on her distended stomach. When the feeling came and went again, the sudden widening of her eyes seemed to bring her up to sitting position while still curled up in her sheets. I... I…Oh God…" she barely whispered, the grip on her stomach automatic as she tried (without success) to keep from overthinking the sudden flutter. She could only hope that everyone was already gone for the morning. _Something's wrong. Something's wrong…_ "Alex!"

"What?!" It took him practically hissing in her ear for April to realize yelling for him was a waste of time. Rubbing sleep from his eyes, the distress he saw etched on her face, coupled with the maternal grip she kept around the baby brought an instinctive arm around her waist. "What is it? Is it the baby?" The nod was so subtle that if he hadn't gone to bed without a shirt on he would have missed the gentle brush of her hair all together. Alex took in the taste of copper as his teeth sank into the side of his mouth. _Well crap_ …Just when they were starting to think things might actually be normal. He wanted to pump her for at least a couple of extra details but stopped himself. Frantic April was just going to send herself into tighter circles than she did on a regular day.

"I-I-I'm…I need Robbins…" The fact that she wanted to go the extra few miles in search of Arizona when he had spent just enough time in OB himself put him slightly on edge. The offer to look her over sat right there on his tongue but somehow never found a way out. Was this considered a conflict of interest? It wasn't his kid. But Kepner was his…something.

At this point Karev knew how to read her nerve better than just about anyone. All the same, the fact that he could give her nothing to help the situation ate at him with sharper teeth than he ever knew existed. "I…I know it's early but…And I know it's…a lot to ask…" Alex rolled his eyes.

"Shut up," he grumbled. "Let's go." He had barely managed to press send for a quick note to Arizona before being aware of his own step and how determined his stride was in getting out the door. "Morning," he muttered, taking her hand and offering it a light squeeze across the centre console.

"Hi…" she whispered, any attempt at hiding her nerve failing miserably.

"It's gonna be okay," he said. The hesitation in his words left him to wonder who exactly those words were actually for. Next to him, April remained completely silent.

"Can…Can we drive faster?" she asked meekly. The tremble in her voice brought his foot down that much harder on the gas peddle.

* * *

After collecting her purse and keys and a ten-minute warning to Sofia, frantic knocking swung the door wide open. If she didn't already know the expression April fell into on the edge of a nervous breakdown…

"Hi," she carefully greeted already stepping back into the house to let her in. Anything else she might have offered was swallowed up in the redhead's rush to take comfort in her pacing. Alex's lazy lean against her doorframe almost cracked a smile on the blonde's face. "Karev, nice to see you."

"Whatever." They weren't exactly here for pleasantries. "Been burning a hole in the floor," he mumbled quietly. Arizona nodded. It wouldn't be the first time. All joking aside, watching her pace was making him at least three different kinds of uncomfortable. There was the oh so common chance that she'd psyched herself out again. But the way in which he'd been rattled awake only minutes ago opened the door for a much more frightening option.

"Something is wrong with the baby. Really horribly wrong." April was already so painfully aware of this part of herself that she kind of just...rambled her way through it. This though…This was different. This was a panic of which she had virtually no experience whatsoever. The only sense she could make of it was that it made her every muscle rigid. Every thought she ever conceived about this baby came in tsunami-sized wave on her already fragile emotional state.

"Wrong? Wrong how?"

I was…I woke up to my alarm…It…It went off like normal and…Well, just before I start my day I talk to the baby…And…And usually…usually nothing happens after. But this time he…I don't know what's happening. I…"

"Ripped me right out of dreamland," Alex grumbled. The sound of his voice stopped her midstride, where she turned to offer him an apologetic glance. "Get that look off your face, Blaze." _Blaze_ Arizona thought carefully. She hadn't heard that one before. And were they…? No. Wilson was too much a fixture in Alex's life for that.

"I…um, I got so scared that I c-couldn't breathe. And your place is closer so I just…" As much as she tried to, as much as she wanted to, there was no easy way to catch her breath. Coming up behind her Alex brought his index finger and thumb around that small part of her neck. From what he'd picked up, it seemed to work sometimes. In return, the redhead barely resisted falling into him.

"Put periods on the ends of those sentences," he whispered, a laugh tickling her ear.

"What—Hold on, April. Slow down. Just—Tell me what's going on."

"Jackson was right, wasn't he? That I was wrong….to not check." Karev's eyes were mid-roll before he noticed the spike in her breathing. No he wasn't. Not if he made her freak out like this. Getting those tests were supposed to give her peace of mind. Avery just seemed to amp up the whole thing simply by breathing her air.

"Shh…" he murmured. "It's not good for the little guy." Before he even realized it, an arm was wrapped around her stomach, fingers placed directly over the bump.

"Or girl…" she squeaked. Nodding slowly, he paced the lightest kiss at the nape of her neck. If Robbins caught on, whatever. She was the last person allowed to look down on them for…whatever this was. "It might be a girl…" she whispered.

"I know…"

"I just…Something's not right….I... It's not supposed to feel like this."

"Okay, hey!" the blonde all but shouted, deciding that now was not the time to entertain her suspicions, most of which had been confirmed in the span of three minutes.

"Arizona, I cannot do this again. I can't."

"Hey I got a great idea!" Alex began. "Why don't we go figure out what the hell's going on so mother goose over there doesn't start laying any eggs. Then we'll know if something's wrong and we'll deal with it. Problem solved."

"Alex!" April snapped. "Something _is_ wrong."

"Okay so we go figure out what it is and go from there. You're freaking out before there's something to freak out about."

"He's right, honey. We'll just head down and see what we find, okay?" With her teeth clear through her plump lip, the doctor barely managed a nod in agreement.

"Mine or yours?" he muttered.

"You got enough seats?" Seeing as he periodically ended up in the daycare rotation, the extra room was already accounted for.

"I pick your kid up from daycare."

"Right, Sof, come on, we're going to school with Uncle Alex!" The excited squeal heard from as far back as the bedrooms made him chuckle.

"Uncle Alex, Uncle Alex!" What usually would have been a slam into the grown-up's midsection was stopped cold at the sight of her mama's other friend.

"W-what's wrong?"

"Um, we're not quite sure yet," April supplied, scrapping together what she hoped was a believable smile for the little girl.

"Is…. Is it the baby?"

"Alright, let's save the questions for when we get to school, okay? We have to go now so Aunt April can see the doctor."

"But Mama, you're the doc—"

"Sofia…"

"Sorry." Turning expectantly to Alex, he watched as her entire face began to take familiar shape. "Can I sit next to you?"

"Not sure that's a good idea, kiddo. I'm gonna be driving."

"Oh…Okay."

"We can hang out later though, okay? After we help April." The soft smile he got shaped one of his own. Either every kid was this awesome or he just got really freaking lucky when it came to his co-workers' bunch of ankle biters.

* * *

April barely registered the cool gel across her skin, the grip she kept on Alex's hand too important not to keep. Letting her mind wander would just put them right back where they were no more than fifteen minutes ago. The slight patterns he was keeping between her fingers was more calming than he probably knew.

"I refused the ultrasound. I needed this baby to be healthy so badly and now if I caused this."

"April…" Alex whispered. Turning to face him, it took everything in her power not to let her face fall a little. "Just let her do her thing, okay? Squeeze if it keeps you quiet." He only smirked at the glare his comment received.

"Let's take a look. Let's take a look, okay?" Even while knowing what to look for as a doctor, there was a level of excitement Alex let himself feel for his friend. He wold keep the fact that she had simply overreacted to himself. There was a time and place for "I told you so" and considering how different a pregnancy this was shaping out to be for her, her first ultrasound (that he knew of) was not going to be it. "There. There's the little one. Oh!" Though he hadn't meant to, a shadow of a smirk found a place on his face.

"That's…that's it. That-that's the feeling. What is that? What is that?" He couldn't keep himself from wanting to drink in every bit of wonder in her voice. Very rarely was April Kepner taken by surprise. The few times she was were often followed by a steady flush of embarrassment. As endearing as any of that was, it left a completely different warmth when she was nothing but blissfully shocked. Easily what she would call a miracle. And honestly? So would he.

"That's your baby moving. Look. Very strong fetal heartbeat."

"Look at you…" Alex whispered, hardly bothered by the fact that he was pretty much talking to a machine and a baby who couldn't care less about the sound of his voice. April watched him in absolute amazement. Every new expression to come across Alex's face was nothing short of a gift. Always something she prided herself in being the only one allowed to see. Taking his hand, she quietly guided him to the general location of her baby's periodic flutter. "Hey there big guy." Arizona watched the scene before her unfold with new eyes. She had no way of explaining let alone understanding what had transpired between the two of them in the last few weeks but April (or this baby) brought out a side of him that she'd only ever seen on the rarest occasions. His current demeanor was one on display for the smallest population of human. Big or small.

"That's the baby moving? Samuel never—"

I know. You've never felt this before. I'm going to check the cervical length. Just because of the cramping but I am confident that this is just what a healthy baby feels like."

"See?" Alex sang. "I told you, you were flipping shit over nothing."

"Alex! Baby can hear you!" she whispered harshly.

"I think you got a while before that." April just scowled.

* * *

"Hey!" _You're the last person I want to see right now_.

"Stop. No. No more, okay? I'm done. Just stay away from me." _I'm too tired for this. I just wanna go home_. Not that he had to know where home currently was. Once he got wind of that…

"Alright, look I'm not going to come any closer, okay?" _Now_ he decided to make that "sacrifice"? "I just need to talk to you. I need to say something. I need you to hear me. Please?" _Like all the effort you put into hearing me?_ Turning sharp on her heal, she sighed.

"Fine. You've got ten minutes. I have somewhere to be."

"Oh…." She wasn't sure why his response left her feeling so good but she let it stay tucked in its designated corner anyway. "Alright, I have been going over the paperwork. You know for the lawyer—the pre-nup, post-nup, whatever." _No…Not tonight…_

"You know, I just—I don't need this. Not after the great day I've had." Jackson blinked. He knew he hadn't exactly made an effort to keep himself informed on her day to day activities. He had to remind himself it was no longer any of his business.

"At first glance it was actually really frustrating. You know, 'cause I couldn't find anything that was actually going to help my case." Nice of him to finally see the obvious. A little late getting there but nonetheless he managed to find it. "It was just so fair. And I realized that was because it was written by two people who really loved each other…" It took April a full three minutes to realize Jackson was holding a piece of weathered paper in his hand. She didn't have to ask him to know what it was. At the same time, she couldn't exactly find it in her to care too much. All the same she let him continue. A courtesy she had long ago wished he gave her. "Two people who really wanted to protect each other, who wanted what was best for each other. And April, I uh—I don't know where those people went."

"They died with Samuel," she said, the raw honesty in her answer taking Jackson by surprise. For months she found it impossible to even say his name. To see that she was now able to think of him in such a…different light was…. startling.

"Um…." he hesitated, still not brave enough to look her in the eye completely. He wasn't entirely sure if it was the ache that came with their son's name or the fact that she seemed to have…moved forward. But something about her new…light made him strangely uncomfortable. Not for the first time, April had found some kind of peace. A discovery he had no part in. "I don't know if we can fix us, April. I don't know if we should. But I know I don't like who I am turning into. I don't wanna treat you…"

"Like crap?" she supplied. Blunt as they were, there was no hiding the fact that the description was true. She took only minute satisfaction in the way his face seemed to come down even further. Maybe now he understood his own inflicted pains on her. After a moment of thankfulness for what could only be seen as revelation, she felt for him.

"This person who wrote this, who signed this…was your best friend. You were my best friend, April. My favourite person. And I realize that's who…. I should be dealing with. That we should treat each other the way we did on this paper." _Better late than never_. Stepping forward, she was once more greeted with one of Alex's many moments of wisdom, a quiet hum on the edge of her mind. _You don't necessarily have to forgive him…_

"For the baby," she nodded. The look of confusion that came across his face told her that somehow those words made it out of her head and mouth. Taking his hand like she had done with Alex, she let a soft smile take shape on her lips. "You wanna feel something unbelievably awesome?" The surgeon caught her eye with a mix of loss and curiosity. Maybe his apology had worked somehow. Maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see. Whatever it really was, they were touching. The feeling of brushing hands was equally as foreign as it was familiar. It had been well over a year since either of them had felt any kind of spark between them. As exciting as it was, he couldn't help but notice that something was different. In the way she held herself, in the way she looked at him. Gone was the charge in her eyes that was always reserved just for him. In its place was something equally electrifying but…different.

"It's…It's Karev, isn't it?" April blinked. In no way had she brought Alex into the conversation

"I…What?"

"You and Alex…"

"What about it?"

"I…I'm not sure honestly. Something's just…different. He's the only thing that's kinda new in your life."

"Jackson…" The fact that he had even caught onto them was unexpected. If he dared to ask anything more, she wasn't sure he would get a proper explanation or understanding. How could he when she was still trying to make sense of it herself?

"Is Karev your boyfriend?"

"I…I don't know, Jacks…. Alex is…He's different. When he's with me he's…. He's good." She wasn't sure what brought on the sudden need to defend him but she had.

"That's…That's good. I guess." April nodded slowly.

"We went to see Arizona today…." Frowning slightly, he tried hard to ignore the fact that she hadn't gone alone. It was even harder to keep from pointing out that she hadn't gone with him. "And we learned something pretty cool."

"Yeah?" She nodded, once more placing his hand on her abdomen.

"Just…You kinda have to wait for it." Jackson was mid-nod as his mouth formed the rounded shape of an "oh".

"Oh. Is that a kick?"

"Yeah," she smiled.

"He's kicking," he murmured, his heart suddenly swelling with pride.

"Or she's kicking," she countered.

"This baby can kick."

"Our baby can kick."

"Oh, he did it again." Both parents quietly marvelled at the thought of their baby's tiny notions of existence. The short acknowledgment was really only the beginning. After ten minutes of shared laughter and light conversation (mostly to do with the baby), she sighed.

"I um…I have to go. He's…giving me a ride home."

"Oh…Okay. I guess I'll ummm…"

See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

"Goodnight Jackson." A returned gesture stayed caught in his throat, the overall emotional impact of the last half hour finally coming into full view. His baby could move. April was smiling. A year ago that should've been enough to make him dance. Now it just left him…. lost. _When did everything get so screwed up?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

 _There's a certain adrenaline rush that comes with trauma that no other specialty will ever truly understand. No matter who comes through the emergency room doors, it's never the same fix twice. Only after the natural tendency toward shock has passed can a surgeon become proactive in the healing process. They are often seen as the surgical band aid, sewing together just enough to ensure that patients see the inside of an OR. That they might have even the slightest chance at survival, even in the darkest of circumstances. The goal is to make it out of the elevator. Anything after is a valiant effort. Working the pit is as close to a relay race a surgeon will ever get. Go where you're needed, do what you can and hand them off to the next guy._

 _But there's a lot they forget to tell you in medical school too. Like the fact that there are some patients you can't help but attach yourself to. Or that there are cases that find a way to haunt you for your entire career. And sometimes…Sometimes not one part of it is fun. And that surgery in and of itself is never a game. And when we make the mistake of forgetting, it's the innocent who get hurt._

* * *

She's been down here so much she knows the room and all of its contents with her eyes closed. She's helped thousands of people, performed so many emergency procedures that it would be easy to say she'd seen it all. But that would be ignorant and false in so many ways. Trauma didn't exactly come with a rule book. It never offered step by step instructions on how to save a life. Over the years, the constant unfamiliarity gave April a unique sense of rhythm. Even the voices of frantic loved ones were a comfort. It reminded her that each of her patients was human, that each had someone relying on their professional skill to gift them one more loving hug from those who waited anxiously.

"I'm sorry, I'm confused. Your son is here?" Now that the question was out, she realized there wasn't a lot of confusion behind that. Not a lot of people actually _enjoyed_ the ER. For most it was a place where the number of dreams and aspirations made possible evenly balanced the ones that slowly fizzled out. When the latter won out, April had to remind herself that it was sacrificed for a person's right to life. That didn't exactly make it any easier to swallow. The fact was that even a doctor at the top of their game couldn't save everything or everyone. But these mothers and their son (or sons, she still wasn't entirely clear on which) still had a chance. For whatever reason, they still had a shot.

"Yes!" The trauma surgeon bit her lip. The fact that they managed to speak in tandem with one another made it almost impossible to tell which one of them was more desperate for information.

"We think so. Hers or mine." She let her eyes wander to the mother in a pink cardigan, still unsure if it was her or her friend speaking. At this point it would just make more sense to let them flush out all the worry so she might be able to talk to the as calmly as possible.

"They said there was a shooting." Those words made April's blood stop. Her own experience with loose weaponry was the reason she even had a career in this hospital. As grateful as she was to be better trained for emergencies, it didn't come without its heartbreaking losses; two of whom were her very best friends.

"Who said—Who said that?" The inquiry came quietly and almost disbelieving. This seemed to be the era of careless people who didn't care much for the consequences of their own actions until it was much too late. Once thrust upon them, they had no idea what to do.

"The police when they called. We were—"

"We were—We were at work, and—and our sons are at—at home with the sitter."

"The last names are Green and Cole. Can you just look it up?" Easily a business woman of some sort. Between them both, she seemed to have better control of her emotions. Not that the surgeon herself could pull that off. Her panic attack over her baby's first kick was enough proof of that. Scrolling through the hospital records, she frowned. No mention of those names anywhere. The redhead found herself nodding slowly, trying hard not to make the motion robotic. She went through several before slowly shaking her head. There was nothing more disappointing than to realize that you couldn't do your part as a doctor to give the reassurance waiting families needed. Even if the lack of medical records simply meant they hadn't made their way into the hospital yet.

"I'm here." She had to resist the natural tendency to meet Alex's gaze. The sound of his voice cut through the buzz in the room, making her accelerated heart slow while she fought the small sigh of relief that wanted out of her mouth.

"I'm sorry. I don't see any record here for either of those names." The doctor couldn't quite decide if the answer she provided made them more anxious or just frustrated. She quickly decided that it really didn't matter. So long as they weren't turning accusatory for the lack of an answer they found acceptable, these moms could go on for as long as they needed to. April tried to hide a smile when the baby began to flutter, her splayed fingers stretched across her belly while she quietly thanked it for the vote of confidence. In this field especially the encouragement was much appreciated.

"I got paged. Gunshot kid?" Her instinctive gulp reminded her that it didn't really matter the context of the word. Any mention of it brought back the cold floors and dimly lit hallways. The fact that this was a kid made it all the worse.

"They said the ambulance was coming here." Yes, good. If they had been told where to be to receive their child, then all they had to do, all they could do was wait.

"Wait, "gunshot kid" That—Is that our kid?" April's heart went out to the mother. There was nothing worse than the uncertainty that hung like a pendulum over anybody's head. In only a matter of minutes they would be given an answer; small little bits of information pertaining to the accident that would do little to nothing to ease their worried minds. Information necessary to make sure that these boys knew the warmth of their mothers' arms one more time. As much as she wanted to stay and give these women peace of mind, there was no telling just how many hands this incoming case was going to need.

"Karev, let's move. We have an incoming GSW. Victim's eight years old." No matter how many years she spent in trauma, those two sentences would always be the ugliest combination ever heard. Most of these cases were curiosity gone terribly wrong. Either that or cars on the side street letting a few bullets pass through an open window. From the looks of it, the first option seemed more likely, though in no way less painful.

"Oh my god…" Closing her eyes, the redhead found herself weaving together a silent prayer. From where he stood, Alex watched, the most troubled expression crossing her face for no more than a split second. He wasn't sure if it was the motivation that came from what he had personally dubbed her "faith face" or the stoic expressions required for the job. Whatever she took from now smoothed out the creases of worry in her brows and nose.

"Our sons are both eight years old. Which one is it? Which one of our sons has been shot?" Alex wanted to say that their guess was as good as his: he had no idea yet. But that would be considered rude and unprofessional. Not that he gave a crap about pleasing people or anything. Kids just demanded every bit of his attention and skill. He wasn't about to waste it on the parent. Not yet anyway. That part would come later.

"Ma'am we'll know more soon. But right now—" They had all said it so often in their line of work that the general answer almost rolled off the tongue now. There was nothing good or bad about them. They just didn't give anyone anything to go on.

"Right now we just need you to have a seat, and we'll get back to you when we know something." The more room they were given to find those answers, the better. They were hardly enough for worried families but it was really all they had. Something kind and open-ended. An answer that would give them the time to get them a real update when they actually had something to update them on.

"Oh please let them both be alive." Alex nodded grimly, sure they couldn't see his face as he did. Answers varied in so many different ways when somebody held a gun. He remembered watching his friends and coworkers fall like bowling pins at the hands of Gary Clark. Some of them shot point-blank in the had and others nicked just enough to bleed out. Such was his fate. Were it not for Sloan and Lexie, he would be six feet under. What surprised him the most was Mark's willingness to help him stay alive, even while knowing that in making sure he lived another day he was also opening the door for Alex to keep screwing the love of his life.

"Come with me." Watching April lead the two mothers away, he sighed. Knowing how young this kid was and how unexpected the situation, he couldn't keep from being reminded of Amber and Aaron. The mental image of his sister laid up in a hospital bed wasn't exactly one that he wanted but it somehow gave him the push he needed to make sure they did everything they could for him. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this apprehensive about a trauma case. Some of it was tied to what he rushed home to Iowa for five years ago. But there were also parts that were a little bit hazier. Memories of his father and the chill of a knife's edge at his neck. His screaming mother left with no idea what was going on, even as it unfolded right before her eyes. Shaking the thoughts free, he turned to the small crowed taking shape behind him.

"Guys, I appreciate that you wanna help, but all I need right now are Kepner, Wilson and maybe cardio and neuro. So the rest of you can go." Letting is gaze travel to the back of the pack he watched Avery's face and his attempt to hide what looked like disappointment. Unlike the rest of his friends, he knew that Jackson's expression had nothing to do with not being allowed on the case. Five years ago was still a thorn in the plastic surgeon's side. Not that he could freaking help it anymore. He'd tried his hand at apologizing and chipped a tooth over it. Since then it was like he couldn't even say her name without the pissy dragon breathing down his neck. There wasn't much else he could do about it now though and for that he let his chest swell just a little bit. _You're the one who walked away_. He figured though that at least some part of him felt it was still his duty to keep her out of the way of danger.

The voices of the two frantic mothers played like a symphony behind them. Just as one fell silent the other seemed to pick up where she left off. For the most part though they overlapped so much that he couldn't even make sense of what was coming from where. It didn't exactly do much in the way of motivation. All it really seemed to accomplish was further distraction. "Ma'am we've got it. We've got it." Whether they slipped away after that, he didn't know. Nor did he really care. His full attention had to be on the kid in question.

* * *

"ET tube in good position," he called, slipping the breathing contraption through the little boy's airway.

"Breath sounds clear and equal bilaterally," April chirped. Raising his gaze to follow her voice, Alex was suddenly reminded of the nature of the situation and how it might make things more stressful for her than any of them needed.

"You got this, Kepener?" In his attempt to sound professional, the inquiry came more softly than he expected. She let her eyes narrow for no more than a few seconds before realizing why he'd asked. The subtlest kick prompted her to nod slowly while she rolled her lip in concentration.

"Well does anyone know what happened?" Pierce mumbled. Usually able to see even the youngest patient as just another case, the stats revolving around this incident put a mysterious knot in her chest. _You're a doctor_ she reminded herself. A cardiothoracic surgeon whose only concern in the last few years had been herself. Her parents were states away over the moon that their only daughter was away pursuing her dream to become a heart surgeon. At least she hoped that was still true. With the divorce that came out of left field, she wondered how long they had gone feeling _unhappy_. But they were no longer her concern. Since she hadn't been called out by name, she figured she wasn't even needed for this case. So why the sudden worry? _You have a family_. That was a thought she still couldn't make complete sense of.

"Was it a drive by?" Part of her wanted to remind Nathan that it didn't matter how he'd gotten shot. It was enough that he did. At this age she doubted it was intentional and that made it all so much worse.

"Where the hell was the babysitter?" The question came through much harsher than she realized but the frustration behind it stayed the same. Weren't these people hired to keep kids out of trouble? Keep them safe? She made a mental note to call their sitter the first free minute she got. Just to…make sure.

"Everybody shush."

"GSW to the right upper quadrant," April observed. Even though he knew it shouldn't matter all that much, having Kepner in his ear was more calming than hearing Hunt make calls across the room. When he picked her over him, that wasn't even loud enough to cross his mind but now that she was, working to get the bullet out of this kid would be a lot less nerve-wracking. "Belly is soft. I'm gonna need a—"

An ultrasound. You know—You know let me get in there. I'll—I'll—I'll do it." The smallest voice in the back of his head wanted to remind the chief they didn't need him. Until he realized it had been quite a while since the role was his to fill. _Once the coach, always the coach_.

"He's a little tachycardic, but his pulse is strong." Alex wasn't entirely sure what came over him then. The sound of Jo's voice felt like that of a stranger. His brief run-in with her while looking for the missing kid didn't make him as calm as it once did. Lately it had done nothing more than irritate him. Maybe because the ring was still collecting dust. Maybe because the minute he stepped through the front door of the loft, he felt an invisible wall come between them. By now she must have felt it too. He hadn't come home in nearly a week. Wilson seemed hardly phased by it. Had she figured him out? Did he even really care all that much? Of course he did. If he felt nothing the last three years had been for nothing. But warm? Not exactly. Whether either of the cared to realize it or not, April was the one who took the blanket of reassurance around him. Maybe she did and they both went about it without having to say the actual words. He kind of appreciated that more. Karev had never been much of a wordsmith. Anything he said or tried to verbalize often got him shot in the mouth. Showing her, showing anyone made a lot more sense. The ones his brain had access to only always scratched the surface of what he really wanted to communicate.

"Shepherd, any reflexes?"

"Spinal shock. The bullet must have penetrated the spinal cord." Even while the most basic explanation was offered to their current chief, Amelia already knew she had her work cut out for her. This would be a lot more than stabilizing and renewing function in the cord. It required delicate work she always hoped she wouldn't have to be performing on someone so young. _One of at least a dozen reasons why I hate them_ she thought, her brother's voice a shallow whisper in her ear. She couldn't recall the exact moment but his retelling was enough to bring back bits and pieces of the memory.

Derek had clapped his hand over her mouth begging her in every way he knew how to keep from saying a single word. At the time she had no idea how she managed. Hell, until he found the voice to tell her exactly what happened she couldn't even remember how they lost their father at all. All that ever registered was that he was dead. How they got from point A to point B was always a bit of a blur. Until recently. Like a projected movie made years ago, the memories came through in a flood. By then it didn't matter if she was aware of the day in history for what it was. The only two men she'd ever learned to trust were gone. Nothing could save them. _But you can save this boy_. It wouldn't bring anybody back but it would help her breathe at least a little bit easier knowing she could make a difference for someone. Even when nothing was done for her.

"Alright, let's get him to CT. Everyone clear the room." Maggie's legs should be well on their way to function now. The show, for all intents and purpose, was over. So why couldn't she? At least a dozen doctors surrounded the boy. She couldn't see anything even if she wanted to. But staying somehow made sense. Staying, even while doing nothing made her feel useful. That's the lie she told herself anyway. The reality was, she simply couldn't move, her bones and muscles frozen in place, quietly watching for what anyone of faith would call an answer to a prayer. _Maybe if I just…_

"Alright, you heard him. Thank you and goodbye." She barely noticed the rest of the room file out, her attention still drawn to the swarm. For only a second she selfishly hoped that something heart-related needed her attention. Nathan Riggs was good but he wasn't great. She had to think that almost everyone knew that. But even when he quietly slipped out, she couldn't take her eyes from the gurney. Sedated or not, he was probably so scared. He would wake up alone to faces he didn't even know, trying to understand why his tummy hurt so much.

"Pierce, we're good thanks." It wasn't until she absorbed the finality in Alex's voice that she realized how her thoughts took shape inside her head. For the first conscious time she was looking at Bailey, three years old and splayed across the table. Yes, he'd been raised in a family of doctors but that didn't alter his innocent mindset at all. Why she even felt the slightest bit concerned made her heart hammer. So loudly in fact that turning away and out of the room was done out of respect for other doctors still in it. She didn't need to be the reason they got distracted. More specifically the drum being frantically beaten in her chest.

Making her way to the nurse's desk, she found herself watching the two moms from the back. It wasn't her job to judge but she was still left floored on the idea that an eight year old had such easy access for a firearm. Not that it had been confirmed exactly but at this age it was the only thing that made real sense. Seattle wasn't all that questionable. At least not in broad daylight. That was usually reserved for the night hours when most were safely asleep in their beds. She knew better than to listen in on two desperate parents but she needed to understand what got them to this point.

"Brandon's injuries are severe," April said quietly. "And they're taking him up to surgery right now." Yes, she was requested up in the OR as well but considering how close to home this entire day had been, there was a part of her that knew she had to be present when giving them the update. Not necessarily to watch the grief take place on their faces but to give herself another quiet reminder that there was at least a fraction of good in this world. Brandon wouldn't be alone in his healing. Even after learning that only one of them had been injured (Peter having been the reason for it), both families waited in worry for a good outcome. It was true that neither of them could leave for various reasons but all the same they certainly didn't need to be standing next to each other while they offered some form of moral support. Reflecting on that, her heart warmed at least a little. Even the slightest boost on such a dark day was worth the effort.

"The bullet hit his spinal cord," Dr. Shepherd informed. "So at the moment we are evaluating." From personal experience she knew that those words didn't provide a lot in the way of comfort but it was really all they had this early in the process.

"Patty. Stacy, are you okay?" As the new voice approached, she watched while relief washed over the womens' faces. In small corners of their expressions she could read concern as well, though the fact that she seemed unharmed seemed to help some.

"Were you shot at?"

"I'm so sorry. I left the room for just a few minutes." A likely story. Easily believable in many cases. She wasn't about to start pointing fingers (not that she could as a doctor) but to think that any of this had to do with the teenage babysitter was almost entirely unfounded. Small children were not exactly victims to gun violence unless it played out in mass quantities.

"Were the boys out front?"

"Did they find the person who did it?" Even less likely.

"No. They boys found your gun. They were playing with it." When confirmation finally came, it took every muscle in April's neck to keep it from falling into her hands in disbelief. For as long as she could remember she always sympathized with the innocent. With the added addition of a parental lens, it was even harder not to put herself in the mother's shoes, regardless of how her child acquired the weapon in question.

"Your gun? You have a gun?" In any other setting, these would be questions to fall from her mouth. The lab coat demanded she stay as impartial as possible. That never made the conclusion any easier to swallow. Regardless of the fact that they were permitted with licencing by the law, it didn't take away from their inhumane nature. She'd learned their true purpose years ago. Stepping over her best friend's lifeless body, quickly learning that Charles bled out just because they didn't have access to an OR. Both tragedies could have been so easily prevented if people just…But Gary Clarke was a grieving man who felt robbed of his wife's life. There was virtually nothing any of them could do but the process of mourning a loss didn't factor in any of that. He just had to learn who was responsible for taking away his happiness. The situation before her was so incredibly different. And yet….

"Yes, I do. But it's locked…No. No." April tried to hide the frown that formed on her face hoping they didn't see it take shape in her eyes. Locks on anything only served to keep out those who knew what danger was. At such a tender age, these boys didn't know the purpose of function of a gun until they found out for themselves. And now, the one to accidently let it off was coming to understand it in the most painful way imaginable.

"We were just playing. It went off. Did I kill him?" It broke the trauma surgeon to know that no matter how many different ways he asked, not one of the would be able to give him something that wouldn't hurt in some way.

"No. Peter no, you didn't." Well, Dr. Shepherd wasn't wrong…But she wasn't entirely correct either. Only after enough time in recovery would anybody really know anything.

"Peter," she offered quietly, shrinking herself down to meet him at eye level. The sheer apology she saw in the made her chest hurt. "Brandon's alive, okay? And we're going to take care of him right now. Alright?" It wouldn't stop the worry or the guilt but she had to hope it helped at least a little bit. "We'll come find you when we know more." He was far too young to understand the technical side of it but she made a note to simplify it for him, at least to the point where he understood that it wasn't his fault. Trying to get others to understand that people didn't always make the right decision, that they felt guilty about them when they realized the choice ended up hurting others…It was a notion she tried for months to get Jackson to understand. She wondered if the last time they spoke so kindly to each other was an indication that he was finally beginning to understand. She liked to think so.

"I'm going to need to talk to you." The suited officer hanging in the shadows reminded her once more that this was not your typical surgical patient. The reasons for his being there weren't exactly the same though. Brandon had a chance at living. No one was pulling any plugs or being accused of medical malpractice. But the accused was a seemingly unaware mother who didn't quite understand where she had gone wrong in the first place. For that, the surgeon sympathized.

"Dr. Shepherd, can I speak to you, please?" Amelia nodded slowly falling in step with Dr. Kepner. "I understand what you were…You were trying to offer him peace of mind but…We don't know that. As of right now, we don't know the full extent of Brandon's injuries."

"Excuse me?" the neurosurgeon squeaked in surprise.

"When you told Peter that he didn't kill his friend. We all know he didn't do any of this intentionally but…depending on where fragments lodged and…"

"He didn't," she muttered with finality.

"Except we don't know that. Not yet." She hated how easily the pessimism came through her own words. As much as she wanted to remain impartial (at least in respect to the boy), she couldn't. Anything given right now had to be treaded carefully. " For the sake of positive thinking…"

"April...I had to give him something. That crap's too much for a kid his age. Tiny little shoulders with all of that guilt."

"I know…Let's just hope we can give the family good news," she sighed, the small flutter felt helping her breathe just a little bit easier.

* * *

"L1 shattered and left fragments in the spinal canal," Amelia mumbled behind her mask. Just the phrase made her chest hurt. This boy was just too young to have his life turned upside down. Now it seemed neither of the had any choice in the matter. Damage was already done. The only thing left was making him as functional as possible.

"So, his mom just had a gun laying around," Alex mumbled. This wasn't the first parent to do something so thoughtless but each and every one that came across his table added to the chip on his shoulder. The grudge was already significant on its own but almost dying because of one measly bullet and being painfully aware of the pool of blood around him…. Well that was…No amount of time would help him shake that. There were days he still couldn't ride that specific elevator without gripping the support bar with white knuckles.

"She said she had it locked up," April mumbled distracted. She more than anyone knew that was no excuse at all. A lock could be picked. Someone could easily forget to close it back up. Perhaps that was how Peter gained access to it. Either that or a really sharp eye for a code or a key.

"The mom should be locked up," Amelia mumbled. The redhead tried not to let her eyes widen at the bluntness of her accusation. There was something so accurate about that. And yet…She was a mother. A parent. Not like a lot of the doctors in this room were. She could count at least a couple who were surrogates or stand-ins but until they were…Just as easily as she considered this, Alex's rigid shoulders stopped her. _There is no explaining this away, accident or not._

"Well, she might be," April sighed, the idea that a devoted mother would see the inside of a cell over an accident she wasn't even around to witness making her stomach twist. "It could be involuntary manslaughter or—"

Don't say it," Alex interjected somewhat stiffly. "It's not gonna happen." April met the sound of his voice with a soft smile she let sit in her eyes. While working alongside him she'd only ever seen determination like this for one population of people. As many times as she'd seen him at work, she would never stop the pleasant surprise with each patient. The dedication he showed…The determination. It was no wonder the world around him went quiet with the sound of his voice. Beyond the aggression on his tongue, there was a song in his words that made anything else irrelevant. To Alex, what mattered was the challenge in front of him. To entertain anything before or beyond it seemed shallow.

"Do you own a gun?" the neurosurgeon inquired. Dr. Kepner openly laughed. Did she really look like a person who swayed to any medium of violence? Simply because she chose to defend the good intention of a dedicated mother?

No. No. No. My time in Jordan was meant to heal, not harm. I-I fixed bullet holes, I-I didn't make them." Despite the mixed reviews her work had gotten, she took great pride in her time in the field. There was something so refreshing about the setting itself. A definite change of pace. New priorities were set. What she'd seen…The injuries she took care of made her all the more grateful for the luxuries she had in America. Here, she was protected by sturdy building structures. They had enough money for reliable technology and knew exactly how to use it effectively. But at the same time, there was a lot about the work she would always miss. The gratitude came across as more pure. Young children to grown men and women were happiest when things were simple. So long as they could sing and play, they didn't need much else.

"Meanwhile, someone's kid is in an OR with a gunshot wound. Every single day." She wanted so much to point out that this was the truth for people in Jordan every single day but managed to hold her tongue. A child with a bullet in their body was a child with a bullet in their body, no matter where in the world it happened.

"When are people gonna learn? It just makes things worse." Alex's observation made the redhead's blood run cold. Images of their night with Gary Clarke came through on a film strip across her eyes. The man could have easily learned to accept his wife's fate for what it was. Instead he turned his grief to anger and senseless bullet paths.

"And people say they need one for protection. They don't." Not always true but in most cases yes.

"Unless they do. I have a gun." Wilson's confession all but popped her eyes out of her head. The thought that Jo had a firearm of any kind was an honest surprise. She'd learned through the hospital mill that Jo Wilson did not have an easy past, much like Alex. But…he didn't feel the need to own one. Why would….? _Situations are not always the same_ she reminded herself.

"Yeah right." At least he was brave enough to laugh it off. April wasn't so willing.

"I do. I've had one for a long time." Piercing her lip, she had to wonder just how long "a long time" really was. His rigid shoulders told everyone in the room that the news was just as new to him as anyone else.

"You have a gun," Amelia offered conversationally. Even though she knew she shouldn't, she felt her opinion of the resident shift slightly. She knew she wasn't the only one who had a problem with guns but the fact was, because of them she lost one of few people she herself would die for. Watching her nod, Dr. Shepherd tried not to sigh in disappointment. "Why?" Not that she needed or wanted to know the specifics. The question fell out on instinct.

"Just like you said—for protection," she said easily enough.

"Have you used it?" April wasn't even sure why she was asking. For the flow of OR chit chat? Maybe. But something else was gnawing at her too. How had he not known after all these years of the two living together?"

"No. I haven't needed to. Thank god." That's right, thank God. How much had he shared about their shared history with a gun? Luckily she only had the one moment with the hospital shooter. Her life hung in literal balance but she was lucky enough to survive. Because she had been brave enough to humanize herself. She wasn't entirely sure how much of it he believed. Maybe she was spared just because it would shut her up. Alex was always the most vocal about how grating her voice was. They were making something of themselves now but, it still irritated him and she knew it. All the same, he didn't seem to dislike it near as much as he used to.

"Thank god you haven't had it used against you."

"You know, if you give them facts about yourself…they're less likely to turn a gun on you. If they see you as someone whose just like them…"

"A raging lunatic?" Shepherd snorted.

"No…I think part of the logic is that they take their anger out on those who don't seem to care. At least, that was the story for Gary Clark. We unplugged his wife. Instead of taking the time to grieve his loss…."

"He killed us," Alex grumbled. "Or tried anyway. Took out Adamson without even thinking about it." As soon as the story was out, he regretted it, the sadness to come across her face lasting only seconds. "At least, that's what I remember seeing."

"I stepped over her dead body," April mumbled without feeling. The time to feel emotional over it had come and gone. Even if this served as enough of a reminder, she would save that for when she got home. Charles died in Bailey's arms. "Guns of any kind are not the answer to anything. The only experience I've had with them has taught me that if we're not careful lives are…" She let her voice trail then, not exactly sure why she carried on with it. Brushing up the old memory of her friends was painful enough. Watching Alex try not to react only added to it.

She knew he wasn't one for a lot of feeling. Having to bring up and remember their loses took a lot for him, even if he didn't seem bothered by it at all. Not that she prided herself in knowing someone like Alex like the back of her own hand. That was more along the lines of her relationship with Jackson than anyone else in the hospital. But she still watched him. Even though they barely seemed to cross paths, catastrophe touched all of them. Knowing that his girlfriend hid something like this from him had to have some effect. _His girlfriend_. How long would they be dancing in the shadows before he came clean with their relationship? The bigger question was why the hell she felt inclined to go along with it? April was not the cheating kind and yet, when it came to Alex…When it came to Alex so much of what they were sat comfortably. _Sin is everywhere_. She just didn't think she would be committing that one.

"Alright, can we stop? There's a kid down there scared to death he might have killed his friend. Two lives on this table right now. So can we just stop the chatter and pay attention?" Very rarely were his words delivered so…eloquently. The tone alone redirected her attention completely, even while she reminded herself to check in on him when Brandon was closed up. "Right angle."

* * *

"What happened?" Maggie mumbled, surprising herself with her sudden curiosity. What brought them to this point was virtually none of her business but the small voice in the back of her head needed some kind of variation of the story from someone who had actually been there.

"Sorry?" The sitter looked up from her phone, turning to meet the doctor face to face.

"Well how did you—Where were you that they were able to get a gun?" Not as smooth as she would have hoped but the question was out there.

"I was—I left the room for a minute," she stammered. Why were all these questions coming at her again? She just finished telling the officer everything she knew. The hospital didn't need to know anything. They were just supposed to fix Brandon.

"For a minute?" Pierce wondered with curiosity. _The number of things that can happen in a minute_

"It was so fast." Of course it was fast. The kid was playing with an automatic weapon. Ammunition wasn't created to come out slowly. Everyone knew that.

"So, but why? Why?" How the hell was she supposed to know? It wasn't like she gave it to them. The boys were smart. They had a very good grasp on what they were doing. They weren't babies. Not anymore.

"What?"

"Did you leave your phone charger in the car or…were you texting or was it the tv?" The possibilities all but shot out of her mouth. Not even the surgeon had a hold on them anymore. But the smallest nerve had built a fire in her heart that made it necessary for her to know just how this happened.

"No! The police already asked me all this." _Yes, well now I'm the one asking how the hell you let them anywhere near something like that._

"Yeah, why were you gone long enough for them to unlock a drawer or a closet or whatever, pull out a gun and shoot it? It was your job to keep them safe. It was literally your job." Like she didn't know that already. Like she didn't feel like absolute shit for letting it happen. How the hell was she supposed to know that they even managed to find it? Up until that very moment she wasn't even sure she'd been told the woman had one in the first place. If she had it was so freaking long ago…

"And I was doing my job. They boys aren't babies. They're eight. They go off and they play together. I don't have to watch over them every single second. They're good boys. I-I should be able to go to the bathroom or warm them up some mac and cheese without them shooting each other!" she shouted, now beginning to cry. It wasn't her job to be a small chopper over everything they did. It would ruin the chance they had to just be adventurous little boys.

"Dr. Pierce." Maggie turned to the sound of Riggs' voice, her own muscles still tense.

"I was just making them food! This wasn't my fault!" Noting the rise in the sitter's voice, she sighed, silently kicking herself for becoming a relentless interrogator. The hospital may have been the only option for a cop today but her role as a doctor called on none of that.

"Can I get you to take a look at something please?" Nathan was coming closer now and even though she didn't necessarily want to, she let the anger temporarily drain from her body. The calm brought on her usually soft expression, her eyes a little bit sadder now that she noticed exactly what her words had done to the girl.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did they call someone for you? Is your mom coming?" The teenager managed to blink, even while tears continued down her face. Whether they were more out of fear for the trouble she caused or concern for the boys she couldn't decide. For now, it made sense to settle on both. Until she knew exactly what would become of everything, she was left to worry.

'Uh, Dr. Pierce." Once she was sure the biting remarks would be left inn her mouth, Maggie turned to her colleague, not at all concerned about what she needed to "help" him with. She might be his boss but Nathan was competent enough.I don't see any residual bleeding

* * *

Can you get a good look?" April asked while using a hand to look past his crowding organs.

"Yeah," Shepherd nodded. "Definite CSF leak. We'll need to remove the entire vertebral body to decompress the spinal cord, right? Problem is, I'll need to dissect more of the aorta." Even without extensive knowledge of the entire nervous system, every gown in the room had some idea of what the consequences would be if they left that alone.

Risking paralysis," Jo said pensively. "Is there another option?

"Put him in a brace." Not that Amelia thought the solution was "best" by any means. Doing so was riding on the hope that everything would go off without a hitch. With an area so delicate, the chances of that were…. well a miracle.

"Then he wouldn't be completely decompressed." The surgeon nodded grimly. It wasn't going to be a clean break either way but they had to weigh in favour of the least damaging option.

"So we risk paralyzing him either way." Knowing that was Brandon's fate was difficult enough to swallow as a human being. As his doctor…she could only hope she wouldn't be haunted by what she could've done better.

"What are you gonna do?" Another very good question with no easy answer at all.

"Do I have time to talk to his mom?" Given Karev's subtle nod, Shepherd made her way out into the hall, trying to decide a way of delivery that would cause the hysteria from this morning. Keeping her hands on her hips to steady herself, Amelia breathed quietly. "Both the brace and the surgery carry some risk of paralysis. My recommendation is the surgery. It's very delicate but I would like to try." Maybe God or someone would be on their side today.

"My husband's on his way. Do I have to decide right now?" Seeing as her son was open on the table, time was as precious as his fragile nerve endings.

"I'm afraid we can't wait."

"Okay. Okay. Um, then please do whatever you can." Nodding her thanks, she slowly began to make her way out of the room and back to the OR. The intrusion of the second and somewhat unrelated voice stopped her, small hairs on the back of her neck standing for a few seconds before they smoothed over again. She could only hope so. After the promise she made to Peter, that was the only acceptable outcome.

"But he'll survive either way, right?'

"Danielle…." Patty's voice was edged with warning. If the surgeon didn't now, the chances of her breaking up some form of a catfight was not one she was particularly interested in.

"We're working very hard," she said confidently.

"He'll pull through. I know he will." Well there was another vote for confidence in her ability. Not that she needed it all that much but it was nice to have.

"Danielle, will you shut up?" She was careful not to roll her eyes too much as she watched the anger bubble in the room. Did they really have to do this here?

"What?" Danielle mumbled. She was only trying her best to think positively. Both for her son and the boy's equally anxious mother.

"You better hope he pulls through," she muttered bitterly. Even without his name, everything in her accusation pointed at her son. How in the world was he supposed to know there was anything like _that_ in the house?

"This is not Peter's fault. He is a child."

"But the gun was locked away. They shouldn't have been in my room." Danielle did all the eye rolling imaginable for both herself and Dr. Shepherd. It really didn't matter how safely everything was put away. Kids were everywhere. They went into every room of their own homes finding places to play. The fact that his mother's room was off limits probably wasn't even specified. And if it was, eager fingers went for anything they didn't understand. That was logic that went as far back as infancy.

"This is not the time—"

"Oh, don't you dare get righteous with me. That was your house and your gun and your kid that knew about it, not mine. I sent my child over to your house to play and your kid might have made him a murder." She wouldn't quite take it that far. Making mom serve some kind of time would be ideal but the eight year old was in no way a cold blooded killer. With that final thought left asleep in her mind, she made her way back into the OR.

* * *

The sense of relief that washed over the cardio surgeon when she got off with the babysitter was one that would leave her mind clear for at least the rest of her shift. Everyone was fed and fine. Bailey had only gotten frustrated with Zola six times as opposed to his usual twelve. They were the most well-behaved kids Maggie had ever met (though she attributed at least some of it to a bias of some sort) but his older sister was relentless when it came to teasing him. Something she no doubt learned from Karev. Ellis was peacefully napping, though for how long that would stay true was a mystery to everyone.

"Hey." The renewed calm even came through the single word. Her next few confessions (if one would call them that) would probably paint her as neurotic but after today, she wasn't entirely concerned.

"Hey," Meredith sad with a couple of small steps toward her.

"I called the sitter. The kids are okay." Her sister (the word was still hard to wrap her tongue around) probably thought she was nuts but whatever.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Where most mothers would be jumping at her throat for information Grey seemed composed. Probably what she'd learned as a surgical parent. Or maybe that was just her demeanor in general.

"Nothing. Nothing. I just wanted to make sure they're okay and they are."

"What's wrong with you?" Not exactly the question she would have asked but she was still getting used to the fact that the other two sisters were incredibly direct with their words. A stark contrast to her tendency to ramble until something that resembled a coherent thought left her mouth.

"Oh okay. You guys haven't heard. An eight year old came in today. GSW, accidently shot by his friend." If she really felt the need to call and check in, her sister was likely more disturbed than she let on. Just hearing the word "shot" was enough to recall the hospital catwalk and how lifeless her husband's body was while it lay at Gary Clark's foot. She wasn't even supposed to be watching but curiosity and concern left her with memories she wished she didn't have. As much as she missed Lexie and Mark, she was thankful the hospital had been rebuilt. These were not the same floors coated in gallons of blood. Reminders still floated on every corner of the building but at least they weren't as obvious.

"Oh…"

"Anyway, just wanted to check in, you know?"

"Okay." Feeling at least marginally satisfied, she left them to their upcoming surgery.

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd, BP is going down." Alex could barely hear Jo as she spoke, his thoughts centred on the idea that there was an automatic weapon somewhere in his house. The fact that he shared his problem with them years before made it even harder to swallow.

"How's that bone graft coming?"

"It's out. Sealing up with bone wax," April replied from her side of the table. From where he stood, the peds surgeon couldn't keep from meeting her eyes again. She had gone ahead and unravelled more of the painful past than he did. If it was up to him, that crap would have stayed buried under the rock they'd all managed to shove them under. But not for the first time, April handled the horror with a grace he just couldn't find today. Especially where his girlfriend was concerned. She wasn't even that anymore but he still hadn't found the time to make any of it official. Now he was more than a little glad he'd been staying at Meredith's house. No secret guns there. He couldn't even stomach Zola getting a hold of one. Carefully, he cleared his throat, attention turned to Jo.

"It's in the house?"

"What?"

"The gun. Where is it in the house?"

"It's in a safe place." He rolled his eyes. Had they not all learned that a "safe place" was never really safe. Anyone could get their hands on anything. Seeing as neither of them had a deposit box (at least that he knew of), she could be keeping it in the same drawer that kept the idle engagement ring. Not for the first time he reminded himself to take the time to return it.

"I didn't even know it was there. I wanna know where it is." Apparently he wasn't the only one with a secret. The only difference was, his didn't put a bullet in anybody's chest. Destroy relationships? Sure. Lives? Possibly. But stop a beating heart? Not for more than a few seconds.

"It's in a box under the bed. Alex nearly dropped his instrument dumbly. _Under the bed?_ Could there _be_ a worse place to keep that? In that moment he was grateful that he was the one to visit them and not the other way around. Just the thought of Bailey finding his way under there and digging through the mysterious box made his heart stop.

"It's under our bed?!" He didn't mean to sound as shocked as he really was but he wasn't exactly in a position to monitor himself.

"That's where we'd need it," Jo said nonchalantly. In no stretch of the imagination did they "need it". Alex was a wrestler for fucksake. She'd spent years perfecting her own form of self-defense. They were amateur skills but nothing that needed the help of a _gun_.

"I don't want a gun in my house." Just thinking about it brought on the burn of the bullet he left siting in his chest for a few days.

"It's my house too. It makes me feel safer." _Like I don't make you feel safe enough?_ he thought bitterly. Sure, he hadn't been there in the last little while but she didn't exactly want him to be either. When he came by for a change of clothes, she wasn't even home. Half the time he didn't even plan it like that. And the rest of it he was made to talk to her back. She was either too busy for him or her mind had gone somewhere else. Not that he wasn't guilty of the same thing but still. Knowing she kept this from him long before then….

"Does it?"

"Have you seen our neighbourhood?"

"Because you're not safer. You're more likely to get hurt because of a freaking gun around."

"Alex…" she whispered.

"He's actually right," April whispered. "That's according to statistics anyway." Those cases ended the way they did out of convenience. A gun was easy to find, therefore a gun was easy to use. Not quite the prettiest picture she'd ever made of her thoughts but it was enough to solidify her point.

"What do you know about them?" Jo asked sharply. Alex expected at least a hint of surprise but only found April standing stoically.

"I know that they hurt people," she said simply. "I know that they robbed two of my very best friends of their lives. I know that even the sight of one made my blood run cold years afterward. I also know that the man who held it had a choice. He had a choice and made the wrong one. And for that, some of us paid with our lives."

"I…I use it to protect mine," Jo muttered. The redhead nodded, carefully watching the pediatric surgeon out of the corner of her eye.

"And I respect that. What doesn't make sense is how Alex is just now finding out about this."

"I have a right to my secrets, Dr. Kepner. Just like everyone else."

"Right again. But when your silence puts the lives of those you love in danger, what then?" She wasn't even aware of her choice of words until she spoke them. Her decision to hold off on the testing would have gone so much easier if she just…Instead she had to be brought to her breaking point and…sedated.

"I'm sorry but my life choices are not yours to criticize."

"I got shot once. You know that." He watched his girlfriend's face become a hard line of concentration, almost as though she had to chose her words more carefully now. "Got shot and almost died. Would've been nice to know I had to watch my back while lying in my own bed." She wanted to say that he hadn't even been in "his own bed" for weeks now but held her tongue. Letting that out would give her a confession she wasn't quite ready to hear.

"BPs 60 over 40. Starting him on levo."

"Once I decompress the spinal cord, it'll get better. I just—just let me work." Alex groaned, his patience getting thinner by the minute.

"Work faster."

* * *

"You okay?" Maggie's face stayed even as Riggs approached, her focus entirely drawn on the performed procedure down below.

"Yeah. Just watching. He's hypertensive now." After making the call, she could look at this case with a more complete perspective. Even though she was still anxious for Brandon to make a full recovery, her personal uncertainties were put to rest.

"You'd make a good cop. You really broke that babysitter." If there was a joke in there somewhere she wasn't keen on finding it. She had been worried. Where was the fault in that? Still she managed a respectful sigh.

"I don't know what I was doing. Why did I do that? I watch my sister's kids all the time. And last week, I turned away for one second, and my nephew had dumped an entire bag of flour on the kitchen floor. He's three. And I thought, 'What if that had been a pot of boiling water?' Just this morning I helped him put his shoes on. He's figured out left and right but tying them so he doesn't fall? Still a work in progress. But then I think…What if that's the next thing I have to come to work worried about? What if he stumbles and—I'm not used to this—being scared like this, worrying like this. They're not even my kids." She wasn't even firm on the whole idea of family yet. True that she was figuring it out. There was no question that she loved those kids but…The paint was still drying on the novelty of it all.

"Oh, I get it. They're family. Family messes you up." She wasn't exactly going to call it that but now that it had been described in such a way…she had to wonder if Nathan was right.

"That part's new for me." With those final words she turned her attention back to the little boy in limbo.

* * *

"How you doing?" Karev muttered with a soft breath.

"Micro Penfield 4. Just a few more…" Amelia answered completely zoned in and focused.

"He's in V-tach. Rate of 233." For the first time in this room, Alex let himself care about the reading. Or more specifically, the one giving it. From the minute he'd been wheeled into the pit, his concern was Brandon. After their earlier conversation his personal hope was that they would all get the hell out of here as soon as possible.

"Paddles." Before even having to process the thought in its entirety, his hands were already wrapped around them.

"No. No paddles. His spine is completely unstable and exposed right now," Amelia shot back.

"We have to," he countered.

"If you shock him he will move and he will be paralyzed. You'll undo all my work." For at least the next ten seconds the idea that he wouldn't be living at all was a little bit more pressing a concern to have.

"We'll try and take him down with meds. Push Amiodarone, 125 milligrams," April ordered. It wasn't going to work fast enough but whatever. The monitor was already screaming at them. Time was precious. At any second his stats could go haywire and they'd all be screwed.

"Just give me a minute."

"Add vaso on top of his pressors"

"V-fib." _Exactly_. Rather than lie in waiting, he stretched the paddles over the table. Amelia still working seemed to be blocking them all out. An attempt at concentration or not, they were running out of freaking time.

"Shepherd we have to shock him. Charge to 50."

"No, if he moves he won't walk." As mean as it sounded, paralysis was now the least of their worries.

"If he dies he won't walk either. Clear." When the surgeon refused to move, Alex growled. "Amelia clear!"

"Just give me—Dammit! Clear." Thoroughly frustrated she took a step back. When the shock to his system was finally delivered, the entire table waited in suspended silence. Moments later, when life was finally returned to his tiny body, April offered a moment of thanks before slowly removing her mask.

"I…I have something I need to do," she whispered. Giving Alex a subtle nod to his questioning eyes, she let her hands wander to her growing belly for further explanation.

"Go. We'll finish up here. Thanks…." Procedures didn't usually end in thanking the other surgeons. Fro that she deduced it had more to do with their earlier conversation than a job well done. After scrubbing out, she quietly went in search of Jackson.

* * *

It didn't take her long to find him, pressed up against a window; likely between patients. Without even having to think about it she found his hands, carefully placing them on her abdomen. When the smallest smile found its way to his face, an all-new sense of relief found April as well.

"He's so little." Not that anyone could really tell with the new development of kicking but all the same, the idea of a developing life still categorized it as freakishly small.

"He's so little. Hey, you still have that uh prenatal appointment tomorrow?" She stopped being all that surprised with his interest in the baby after the moment they shared in the parking lot. There was a sense of liberation that came with the idea that she no longer had anything to keep from him. Though he looked more than a little bit uncomfortable with the idea, Jackson hadn't gone back to his long list of unfounded reasons as to why Alex was bad for her. If anything, it looked like he reluctantly accepted that this is what they were now. They could still be equally concerned parents and not together. April was finally finding comfort in the notion herself.

"Yeah, uh at 9:00," she said quietly.

"Will you um…Just uh, let me know how it goes?" April tried not to look crestfallen over the idea that he wasn't going to be there. More specifically that he didn't seem to _want_ to be there. There was no question that it would be a little bit awkward but still. This was their child. Together.

"Absolutely. Uh, right after." She hated the idea of having to ask Alex but no matter how many of these she went to, it would always be nice to have at least one person there with her. After what had transpired in the OR today, the idea to ask him was even less appealing. There was no telling what he would go home to at the end of his shift.

Meredith had been told of their situation and though she expected surprise or disappointment of some kind, Grey hardly seemed bothered by it. Part of her wondered why that was but given the growing tension between herself and Wilson in recent months the thought to ask wasn't all that important. It would likely just open cans of worms better left untouched.

"Alright. Appreciate it."

"Of course," she nodded.

* * *

"There's a chance of some recovery of movement but it's very small." Even while she shared the current standings with Brandon's mom, a small part of her wondered what a few more minutes would have done to his recovery.

"He'll get physical and occupational therapy to help him regain some function, find some new ways—"

"But he'll never walk again," the mother finished with her voice even. Very business-like. In any other setting Alex would have rolled his eyes. Tonight the straight-forwardness played in everyone's favour.

"I'm sorry, it's very unlikely."

"The gun was locked up. It was supposed to be locked in a drawer. It was. I don't know how they—" Whether he believed it or not, he wasn't in the best mood to hear her excuses. The fact of the matter was that he still managed to find it and play with it. He wasn't put together enough to say that in a way that coincided with proper bedside manner so he decided to stay silent.

"Kids watch. They pick up everything you do. I'm very sorry that this happened." With that he watched his co-worker make her way out of the room. He couldn't help but stand there awkwardly now, unsure of what else to do or say that might be even remotely helpful. Her kid was alive. That was enough of a relief for everyone involved. He could say that wheelchairs were kind of cool but it was way too soon for things like that.

Amelia barely caught the eye of the adults on the other side of the room. Instead, she found herself kneeling in front of her patient's concerned friend.

"Brandon didn't die?"

"No, he didn't," she affirmed her expression free of any exaggerated smiles.

"But he can't walk? And he can't ride bikes? Is he mad at me?" She wondered if someone had gone ahead and explained the adult version of Brandon's diagnosis or kept it kid-friendly. For his sake she hoped they kept it simple. If he knew nothing more than that, at least she would.

"If it had been Brandon who hurt you, would you be mad at him?" It sounded like an easy question with an equally simple answer. The reality was that nobody really knew. At least not as an adult. But in her work she'd learned that kids were often more forgiving than the adults around them.

"A little. But it was just an accident." The surgeon nodded. An accident. Clear and concise. She had every hope that they would at least try and stick to that realization, even if their mothers didn't.

"Right. So I want you to promise me something," she mumbled taking his hands and placing the gently in his lap. "Whenever you feel bad about this, I want you to say, 'It was an accident. I didn't mean to'." She caught his uncertainty, giving him the smallest smile. "I know that. But you have to know it too. So, you gotta promise me you will say, 'I didn't mean to'." Though Peter remained skeptical on how that would work all the time, he nodded.

"We can go now, right? We're free to go?" Standing on his mother's unspoken command, he caught the doctor's hand one last time.

"Will you promise me that?" Another careful nod with a brief look back as thanks for the advice. Even now he knew he wouldn't always be able to follow it but he would try.

* * *

Walking through the loft door, intent on finding himself a few changes of clothes, Alex found Jo sitting pensively on the bed. After what he'd learned today, he instinctively kept a careful distance.

"Brandon's doing fine. His BP's—"

"I lived in my car when I was sixteen years od. Every night trying to fall asleep I would listen to the voices. People going by, people who had nothing going on. Nothing going for them, nothing to lose. Scared to death that they would break in and take my stuff, take me. This gun made me feel like I had something, something on them. But then today…that little boy will never walk again."

"Jo, he's alive."

"Barely." He wanted to remind her that he had barely survived but for the moment held his tongue. Now was not the time for his near-death experience. Given her tone in the OR, he wondered if she cared all that much. "Back then I didn't value my life all that much. But it's different now. I've outgrown this. I don't need it anymore. I don't want it." Watching the weapon go back in its box, Alex bit his lip.

"Can you just…Get rid of it?" Noting the sudden shadow in his eyes, Jo nodded slowly. She wanted to apologize for possibly scaring him but she wasn't sure how. Keeping it had made her feel safe…protected. It might have put the lives of so many in danger but for her it was a kind of safety blanket. "I can't touch it," he whispered. "There's….I remember stuff."

"I know..."

"Do you really? Cause if you knew, wouldn't this stuff have been talked about three years ago?"

"Alex….I didn't…I didn't know how to…"

"Bring it up? All you had to say was 'I have a gun and here's why'. Course I would've told you, you didn't need it anymore but I wasn't gonna add to it if you really needed it. I just wanted to know that it was there."

"Why? Because I have you?" Jo tired not to sound bitter with the question but it came out with edge anyway. She watched his eyes come together with confusion and almost laughed. "Come on, Alex. You really think I don't know where you go?"

"I go to Joe's for a beer sometimes. That's not exactly a secret. We all do that. It's been a rough few weeks."

"I was there last week, Alex. When I asked he said you never showed. That you haven't been there for at least a month. I came home and I waited. I waited until the sun came up and you never came through that door. This is the first time you actually bother making me aware of your presence."

"Jo…"

"It's Kepner, isn't it?" Alex blinked, not sure if he should defend the claim or not. "You know," she laughed bitterly. "I tried not to think about it. I tried to brush it off as just another Meredith thing. But I can't. I just can't. I've gone through your laundry and a few of your shirts smell like nothing I ever wear. You come in to change it out and that's the only way I know you've even been home. The OR was all the confirmation I needed. This entire case actually. Hunt told you about Brandon. It should've been him who helped you. But no, you wanted April."

"She's in trauma. Who else was I supposed to ask for? Robbins?" Jo rolled her eyes, ready to slap him for his snide remarks.

"Oh I don't know maybe you could've stuck with Hunt?"

"You know I don't like the way he runs an OR. I respect it but it's not what I work with."

"Owen does a fantastic job in surgery. You just played favourites. You wanted your girlfriend and your mistress in the same fucking room because I guess I'm just not enough for you!"

"Are you sure that's the way it works 'cause what I'm getting is that I'm just not enough for _you_ ," he shot back.

"Don't be stupid," she said evenly. "Of course you're enough. You've _always_ been enough. Who the hell tells you, you aren't? It sure as hell isn't me!" Slowly shaking his head, he stalked over to the dresser pulling out the drawer further than necessary. From it he took the small box, ring still untouched.

"Oh god, not this again!"

"How long has it been sitting there collecting dust? How long have you been down my neck about helping Mer and her kids out?"

"Since you threw together a proposal about a month and a half ago that meant nothing. And since when does our lack of an engagement have anything to do with Meredith?"

"It was hiding in her house for _months_. I was trying to find the right time to switch it back but it never seemed to happen. We dodged you so you wouldn't know, not because we didn't give a crap. This thing means that I give a crap! A lot of it. But then, I couldn't find the right words. Nothing sounded right. And then you got all weird and squirrely again so I just…I just did it. And even though you know that I've loved you for the last three freaking years, the fact that I said anything wasn't enough! You know I don't do words. You know that I show you how I feel. It wasn't going to come out the way you wanted no matter how many times I tried it."

"Well I'm really sorry I just wanted something memorable," she muttered.

"It's not even about that! When you asked me to keep it in a drawer, you said 'I don't want it, but I don't want it gone either'. What am I supposed to do with that? What do you want done with this? Cause if it's just gonna sit, I don't know what we're doing here."

"I'm scared! I've never had anybody stay before." Alex almost laughed again. She was saying this like it was news to either of them. "I guess that's still true, isn't it?"

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"From day one you always picked her. If Meredith needed anything, you dropped everything to find out what she needed, what she wanted. Even me."

"Of course I do! She's my best friend, my sister. Family comes before absolutely anything for me. I used to think you got that."

"I did," she sighed. "Until she started kicking me out of my own bed and seeing you naked in the _shower_."

"And that's a problem?"

"Kind of."

"We're not screwing, Jo. That's...She's family. She's the last person you should feel threatened by."

"What about April?" He swallowed hard. Now they were getting to the meet of the problem. "is she a problem?" Even before the question formulated in her mind, she knew the painful answer. His two minute silence gave her everything she needed.

"My god…You're sleeping with April…"

"We're not having sex…." He said slowly. There had only been a couple of times thus far. Everything else was done out of care and concern.

"Look me in the eye and say that," she challenged. As angry as he was with how things had unfolded and what lead him to cheat, he couldn't lift his gaze. "I should've known…"

"What the hell?"

"I was warned about who you are and what you're about. I thought I was different….But I guess that's…not true anymore."

"I'm not that guy. You know that. But there was literally nothing here. Even while we're doing this, your eyes….They're…dead. You're looking at me but you're not _seeing_ me. It's been like this since Shepherd died. I bust my ass to get Meredith back here, scared out of my fucking mind that she or one of the kids was hurt somewhere. I heard nothing for a whole year…Meredith and I don't always talk but…she's always been there for me. Especially when nobody else was."

"And what am I?...What was I?" she choked.

"You were me. You were a part of me. Someone I thought would understand. Someone I didn't think I had to worry about because you got it. But I guess you don't. You don't and I can't have that…Jo I…I like you. I like you a lot. So fucking much. But I…I love her." His few words left her stunned. Part of it was that she'd heard practically the same thing years before. But mostly because she saw it in his eyes. "I used to think she and Yang were talking crap. All this "person" stuff. But I…I get it. It's not exactly my thing but I get it. And I get why you can't get behind that. But that's what this is. That's what this is always going to be. The woman I love has to be able to love her…"

"I…I do," she mumbled. "I just….She takes up so much of your time that…I don't know where I fit in, or even if I do anymore."

"Derek's dead, Jo. She acts like everything's good and normal again but it's not. Even I can say that and he was just my friend. Actually, a lot of the time I'm sure he just put up with me for Mer's sake. But he didn't exactly say 'no' when she made me her godfather. And now her real one is dead…I have to shuffle priorities a little bit."

"And April gets that," she said hoarsely. "Even though I could figure it out. I could learn. It'll just take some time."

"Say my name," he muttered. "Don't think about it, just say it." When she finally managed, he quietly shook his head. Before, she used to let the 'l' off more quietly, as if she was doing all she could do protect it. The x was always a whisper. Now the whole thing just sounded like four individually sharpened knives.

"What does hers feel like?" she whispered.

"April... " he said softly. He watched as tears gathered at the corner of her eyes, not even sure what she found in it.

"You…love her." He shook his head. He had no idea what he felt for April yet. All he understood was that she felt good, in more ways than one. She sat tucked in his arms like she belonged in them. The sound of her voice was a calm he'd only just discovered. More than any of that she made him and his name feel safe. "But you don't love me anymore…."

"I…I think you pulled away before I did," he confessed. Even if that was true, she hoped he would be willing to wait for her to come back in. According to this conversation she'd waited too long.

"Just a little while longer…"

"You find it in the eyes…."

"I know….Now I know. The way you two interacted at work today…I saw it. I didn't want to but I saw it. The way you looked at each other. The way you spoke without words. That used to be us."

"She gets it," he said softly. Jo found herself shaking her head.

"It's not about the shooting…I knew something was up weeks ago. I just didn't want to believe it."

"I'm sorry…" he whispered. "I just don't know how to be somewhere I'm not wanted. I did that my whole life because I didn't have a choice. Now that I do, when I notice it happening, I leave before I'm told I'm not wanted."

"I'm sorry too…" she said, not even sure how to address his reasoning. She did a lot of the same. She just figured that understanding would keep him from doing it to them.

"I'll…I'm just here for more clothes. You…You paid for the loft. I'll be at Mer's if you need anything."

"Is April going to be there too." His stoic silence answered the question for him. "Oh…Okay. I guess I'll uh, see you at work then…" Even while he bobbed his head, he brought her in against him carefully, not entirely sure how she'd respond. Whether or not it was the surprise of the entire conversation that kept her there, he wasn't sure. Still, he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, letting it rest against his chest for one final moment. The fact that she'd let him touch her at all was unexpected. Even more than that was the willingness to be held by him. He attributed that to the shock that still fogged up the room. Work had been hard on everyone today. To want reassurance for a few short moments wasn't unheard of. Reality would hit them soon enough. After that, who knew what would happen.

* * *

"Okay, I'm ready. Let's go." Maggie let out an unexpected sigh, the relief that found her when she realized they were finally going home more than she'd anticipated.

"I just wanna go see the kids." It was the first time she even thought those words, let alone said them. Despite how new they were; it didn't take away from the meaning behind them. Especially concerning the emotion that found a way into her words.

"I did something very good today. I pushed two hearts together. I forwarded the cause of love." Noting Peirce's silence, she stopped and redirected her attention. She looked just as lost and confused as earlier that day. Even though she now knew why, it was still unexpected for someone like Maggie. "What's wrong? What's wrong?"

"I-I don't know how you do it, Mer."

"Do what?"

"Love your kids like this. I really love them," she clarified, sure that to her it sounded like something she was just expected to say because they were related to her.

"They love you too," she almost laughed.

"No, I love them like—if something happened to them I would die. Like my heart is so wide open, and they're so fragile. I don't know how you live like this. I don't." The sacrifice of life took her a minute. Pierce was still relatively new to the hospital. She was especially new to the idea of having a family. The sudden infusion f feeling almost came out of nowhere. _The little boy…_ Remembering this, she hugged her quietly, deciding to let her take from it whatever she needed to make it home without flooding her car with tears.

"It's awful. Sometimes you just have to push through it, push the awful aside, just get through the day." Alright so, not all of it was terrible but days were hard almost all the time. "We just push through it…."

* * *

"Hey, got a late one, huh?" she asked even while knowing that she was stating the obvious. Anything to make this somewhat less awkward than it already was.

"I do. Everything okay?" She'd only found him one other time today. Nothing could happen in that limited amount of time, could it? The baby was still safe?

"I wondered if you wanted to go in the morning to the OB." April kept to herself that she had extended the invitation to Alex. Right now she wasn't even sure if he'd show. Regardless, Jackson deserved to be there. All they had to do was shove all awkwardness aside and focus on why they were there in the first place. This appointment had nothing to do with them.

"O-of course I do. Yeah." A part of him wanted to ask what they both knew by now was at least slightly obvious but decided against it. If he showed, he showed. If he didn't, they would be just as fine. An even bigger part of him selfishly hoped he wouldn't. Just so they might have one more moment alone.

"Good."

"Baby should know that you're there."

"I will be there," his words meant more for her pregnant belly than April herself. As sad as it made her, there was a comfort in it too. They were no longer together and a part of her even knew that they wouldn't ever be again. But at the very least they had come to an understanding.

"Uh, 9am?"

"Sure." With that final thought, she left him to his surgery. Long after she disappeared, Jackson was once more left with his own thoughts. There would always be parts of April he loved without end. But as much as he adored them, he couldn't help but think that there were pieces of her that were still a complete mystery to him. Months ago he would have tried to uncover them. The parking lot told him that there were just some mysteries he wasn't meant to solve. _But Karev is_. His friend's name still tasted bitter as hell on his tongue. It would take months, maybe even years to wash it out. But at the very least she was happy. What pained him most was not necessarily the smile in her eyes but knowing that he was no longer the cause.

* * *

 _Trauma walks with ghosts you never expect to meet. Some of them are a gentle kindness you never thought yourself worthy of having. Others take sharp teeth to your bones with not a care in the world as to how much it hurts. Sometimes they're the teeth of a stranger. But for the most part, it's the sharp bite of the one you thought you understood better than you knew yourself. And that…. That's where the real trauma lies. In the setting sun of a love gone wrong. In the rising sun of a brand new day. A day in which you have to find a way to tell the world you're fine, even when you're the farthest thing from it._


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello folks! I wasn't expecting this opening to be as...detailed. It really just wrote itself. Hahahaha.**

 **Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

As soon as the swinging door settled behind her, April stopped. While she stood midstride, there was a quiet pressure that rose like a cloud over her shoulders. She wasn't even sure which part of their conversation felt the most out of place. On the one hand, she had been in love with Jackson for years. Talks like this should be easy. Especially when the baby she carried was of the man she loved. But in which way?

They had made the stereotypical transition from friends to lovers. One of the easiest she would likely make in her life. But loss changes people. It brings out parts of a person they never thought would come forward. A year of neglect on their marriage, their promise both equally angry and hurt. Before her very eyes the man she pledged her heart to had become a man unrecognizable Sure they had found a way to get along. They found a means to communicate that didn't leave one of them breathing fire. At least for today. But in all truth and honesty, Jackson was always a locked away mystery to her; a stranger. With no idea when their friendship would return, she sighed. At the very least he would be there for the baby.

Making her way to her car, April let out a soft breath, the hint of a smile tracing her features while she tugged on the door, the idea of Jackson's hand on her belly weeks before making her feel strangely lighter. There was no doubt that having them both there would be a bit awkward but at the same time, she didn't see so much wrong in it either. _If something is wrong—_ she thought, the idea making her chest drop. What started out as a thought directed at Jackson and Alex found its way toward her unborn child. All too suddenly, the idea of leaving the lot and making her way back over to Meredith's let her throw the car in reverse, knuckles white and tight around the wheel. _Please God…_

When she was finally able to see the outline of the secluded house, April could feel the tension in her hands lessen, the snow white of her knuckles returning to a soft pink. Quietly making her way up the stairs, she let out a deeper more laboured breath. Letting the mattress give way upon the weight of her presence, she eased the fabric gently between her fingers. Taking in the soft shifting of sheets, she turned, Alex already rested with the blanket pulled loosely around him. Barely able to open an eye, he offered a slight twitch of his lip.

"Hi," she whispered quietly. Easing up onto his elbow, Alex traced lightly along her arm. When his arms found a way around her, a kiss laid on her shoulder, she was surprised by how long he let himself linger before pulling back. He'd wrapped himself more tightly than usual around her, his fingers barely brushing the round of her belly. Very rarely did she know Alex to take his time. At least in this department. Only once was he able to slow down and… _We were talking about Jo_. All at once, her brain made the connection. Realizing the trigger, her mind circled back to the exchange made in the OR earlier that day. Letting him tug lightly at her ear with his lip, she blinked, the question burning a hole at the edge of her tongue. "Alex…"

She nearly gasped when her gaze met vacant windows in his eyes. Only one other time had something similar found its way across his vision. But this…This was…different. He wasn't nearly as cold, or as absent. If anything, based on his gaze alone the man regressed nearly fifteen years in just moments. The second's worth of curiosity evaporated then, all the answer she needed in the pleading way he looked at her. "Alex…" Both offered in whispers, the second felt even quieter in her mouth.

"Please…" Fresh out of its box. The word seemed almost new to him. If her senses were heightened enough, the plastic it came in would waft off slowly. So rare in fact that it barely seemed capable of fitting comfortably in his mouth. Because it wasn't. He knew nothing of pleasantries. He knew even less about asking permission. Knowing this confirmed everything she already knew. The earlier conversation, the way his jaw set when Wilson openly discussed owning a gun. Even the memories he reluctantly managed to share. Whatever had unravelled at the loft did not end well at all.

"I-I don't know if…." Any attempt at speaking fell flat when her shirt came up over her head, thrown to the foot of the bed and easily forgotten. As a callused finger worked up her spine, April closed her eyes, incapable of words and general movement when her bra came undone. Knowing now that her chest was fully exposed, the redhead flushed, her complexion now as concentrated as her hair. A curled finger brought her to full attention, the pupils of his eyes so large that she felt herself becoming anxious. Not necessarily for the intimacy he so clearly wanted but rather, confusion. No other man had ever…But here they were. She wasn't sure whether to attribute it to the small fire he'd set hours before, clearly destroying something that mattered so much to him, or her own hormones. Whatever the case, her hands took his in an attempt to help in revealing the rest of her.

When they had both made sure she was free of her clothes, the trauma surgeon stood on shaking legs. Why the hell was she suddenly so nervous? _Because you've seen something like this before and last time…_ Last time Alex looked ready to set off on his own path of destruction. _But this is different_ she argued. At least it felt like it would be. _Once a doctor…always a doctor._ This seemed more telling of trauma than any other medical division she knew. Unknown was the amount of damage control in front of her.

When did her head find this pillow? When was the last time a heart beat so loudly in her ears? Why couldn't she tell which one of them it was? Because it didn't matter. In many respects, their own fears were equally palpable, though in April's case she wasn't necessarily worried for herself. Her fear was for Alex whose gaze was so distant she wondered if he even knew she was in the room. She found herself holding her breath, preparing for what would be a forceful desire in everything he did to her.

The most pressure she felt was against her mouth while he kissed her with so much longing it robbed her of three days of her own oxygen. As prepared as April was, she was equally unprepared. And somehow, they still managed to find some kind of rhythm in their motions. Whether he would remember this tomorrow or not, she had no idea. When she nearly gagged at the cloud of alcohol on his breath, she realized that no, he probably wouldn't. She had to fight herself to keep from throwing him off of her in disgust, the scent of it ten times stronger than it would be otherwise. Gently, she peeled him off of her, wondering why he barely seemed to put up a fight. Instead he snaked down into her lap, face pressed to the soft of her stomach. As odd as the image looked, something about it felt right as well. _That should be Jackson_. Though he would probably be less inebriated.

"You're going to have to come a little closer," she smiled tenderly. Moments later he came up beside her, his index finger working the peaks and valleys of her chest. "You wanna tell me what this is about?" Again the pediatric surgeon had nothing to say, simply shaking his head. "Can I do anything?"

"You are," he whispered, his words coming out like sandpaper. "I-I like sex," he admitted. "A lot."

"I've noticed…" she said, the reply making her slightly uncomfortable.

"It's the only thing that I can't screw up." Massaging his scalp, she frowned. _It's the only thing I can't screw up_. Well that wasn't necessarily true but now was not the time to counter his argument.

"I don't believe in 'just sex'," she mumbled. Alex silently nodded. To say he was flustered would be an understatement. At first he intended to have April in the room as a buffer between himself and Jo. When subject topic started making them both uncomfortable, it only took a look…A word…a moment of praise and encouragement. He didn't exactly believe in needing the last two. In fact, he often grimaced when other people thought to do so. Coming from April it felt more like calm comfort than simply telling him he was right about something. Wilson set him off several times in those few hours in ways that would have once made him snap. He had learned with time not to be. But the subject matter itself was just too close to simply roll off his shoulders. And her words had easily washed away the majority of the flame in his blood.

"I know…I-I guess I'm kind of…confused." Well, at least now she knew she wasn't alone in that. "I've never…done this before…"

"Done what?" she murmured brushing a light kiss along his breastbone.

"Whatever happened in surgery today. I don't understand any of it. But I know that I don't…With you I don't want…I know we only did it twice or whatever but with you it doesn't just feel like…sex," he mumbled, placing a hand over his chest while the physical thread tangled itself tightly. The foreign pressure brought out an instinctive cough as he tried to shake it loose.

"I'm glad to hear that," she smiled. "Because now I can tell you…i-it's some of the best I've had," she grinned. How much that would inflate his already huge ego wasn't even up for debate. Considering the sight she'd come home to, anything to alleviate that pain she would try.

"Damn right it is," he smirked, though in that moment it barely reached his eyes. April snorted rolling her eyes.

"Worth it," she whispered trailing kissing along his jaw. Threading her quiet fire through his fingers, he tried to make his expression moderately genuine.

"Uh, can I ask you a weird question?" Despite the question her knit brow he saw the most careful nod.

"You mind if we…stay like this? It's…nice. It's quiet. I've got a splitting headache and I just—"

"The quiet is nice," she echoed. He'd heard her mumble it so often that it almost felt like something only she would say. To that, he carefully nodded. He wondered if she knew how particular he was in regard to what "stay like this" really meant. When he realized she was in no hurry to cover herself, Alex dropped a light kiss on her shoulder uttering the quietest 'thanks' she'd ever heard.

She wasn't entirely sure how long they both laid there, absolutely still and wordless in one another's presence. Shifting herself to find a new angle, his fingers wrapped around her arm almost without thinking. Noticing she wasn't planning to leave, Alex released a breath he never knew himself to be holding. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

"Sorry," he muttered dropping his hand to his own lap.

"It's okay, Alex." Even as she said the words, she had to wonder what in the world had left him so uncharacteristically terrified.

"I-I bled out in the elevator…Clark just left me there to die," he grumbled. The redhead nodded, blinking back tears that weren't even hers to shed.

"I know," she murmured. Everyone on staff knew the story. For those who lived it? It was more than just a story. That kind of telling was a damn nightmare. One he was blessed enough to survive, for which the surgeon was incredibly thankful.

"Mom did too…" he choked. "Her head got so full of his crap that she just…her wrists. And the bastard watched. He watched and he waited. I was five minutes from home. We were comin' back from school. Aaron was smart enough to run Amber upstairs so she couldn't see anything…I ran in there. I called…And I stayed with her…I stayed on the phone until they came for her." She let the tears flow freely then, unsure of exactly what she could possibly do or say for him after sharing something like that. So she chose the quiet. She chose the touching. Whether it was working or not, she wouldn't know but it seemed to be calming him at least a little. "I blew out his left ear and sat on him until he spat it in my face. I guess she was screaming like someone was dying…Ripping at her own face 'cause the voices told her to…They told her to use the knife too. On her arms…That shit went on for a full hour before Jimmy just fucking had it. So he started taunting her…I was…twelve."

"Oh my God…" He nodded, his mouth twisted in disgust.

"She survived and stuff but after that…After that I kicked his ass so hard he never came back. Good thing too 'cause I would've killed him. When she was herself...Sometimes even when she wasn't she would tell me if felt like she was floating. That night…I knew what she meant. I knew exactly what she meant… And at the same time, I didn't. What Gary did…He…There was a fire. A big one. And then the clouds came. And then Lexie showed up. Lexie showed up and even though part of me knew she wasn't coming back…. I saw Izzie. I think it was the hair or something. Maybe I was just too dead to notice the difference. Whatever it was, I saw my…ex-wife," he said after a moment, wondering what the right word for her was after so long a time.

"I'm glad you're here," she said softly. Her first instinct was to thank him for sharing as much with her, knowing how much it was ripping him up inside to do so. But saying the words exactly like that might bring about a guilt that would draw him to silence. Alex nodded, unsure exactly how he felt about the notion of life. It was all so damn complicated.

"When Wilson told us where it was…I don't know what happened to me. I was in that kitchen, staring him down, hoping to…something Mama wouldn't just…die on me," he mumbled hoarsely. "And that was my life for three years…. And I didn't even know…It was under my own damn bed and I had no idea!" he muttered, his voice finally able to find volume. "I could've been killed. That thing could've gone off and I just…It would all come back…I-I had to."

"Shh," she crooned. In any other instance she knew she would be reprimanded for her choice in comforting techniques but given the night they were having, she didn't think it mattered much what she did for him as long as it worked.

"...broke up with her," he choked. Nodding quietly, she eased a kiss to his temple. Tomorrow she would allow herself to feel relief for the freedom they were now given. "I was ready to...She wasn't sick. She wasn't crazy. She lied…She stopped trying. She left…"

"I understand."

"Him. It's him all over again…Amber doesn't have a dad cause I…I fucked up."

"Alex, you saved your sister's life." He shook his head. Somehow, it didn't feel like that at all.

"I was first…Mom got worse after I was born. It all snowballed after that. _I_ made her crazy…er. And then I just left them…I just left 'cause it got too hard. How can Amber even look at me after that?"

"I'm sure that in her heart she knows…"

"April, she was a baby…When I left she was just a baby…" Theoretically anyway but for the sake of the conversation it really didn't freaking matter.

"You have to believe that with time she came to understand why you had to leave…You can't hold onto that guilt for the rest of your life, Alex. It's not fair. Especially to you. Amber is safe. You are safe. You are alive. And your mother and Aaron are in a place where they can't hurt themselves anymore, or anyone else. You did that for them. You did that. You've taken care of so many people…Myself included. And I know that sometimes it's not easy. I won't say I know how hard it is because I don't. But I'll say that I understand. I understand it's not easy. It is not a job that you simply volunteer to take on. But then, neither is being a doctor."

"It's all I know….Takin' care of people." She sighed, a watery smile finding shape on her mouth. "Surgery's the only thing that makes sense. At least that's the way it was for twelve years. Cutting gives me answers to shit. I came in wanting to do plastics. Cause unless someone rolled around in a bonfire pit, it's not the kind of thing they don't ask for. These are the scars people want. These are the cuts that make them smile…And then Robbins put me on peds…And every single kid I saw…Reminded me of Amber. I don't know how many of them I've fixed so far but every single one…"

"You feel like you're making it up to your sister…" Biting his lip, he nodded, suddenly feeling like complete garbage for making that his reason for choosing to put kids through pain. "And it helps? With the guilt?"

"A little…" he admitted. "Doesn't fix anything I guess but…" When awareness of his limbs returned, he noticed his hand still resting gently on her belly. How it found its way back there he had no idea. The position wasn't at all missed by April making her next question the easiest to come between them the entire night.

"Will you come with me? To the appointment…It's early but…" Alex shook his head. He wasn't above doing that for her but it wasn't his place. At all. He'd already taken a once in a lifetime opportunity from him. "Oh…."

"That's the kind of thing you and Avery should do together." She knew that. And despite being ready to counter him, the kindness he extended to them left her warm.

"I know…I know it's…" she sighed. "I've been so selfish lately. This is really just one more thing to add to everything else but…I would really like it if…I know it might be a little awkward. But…if something's wrong with the baby."

"Nothing's wrong with the little guy," he mumbled. Rolling her lip, she nodded, hoping to be proven wrong just one more time. "But if you think it'll help…I can go." She nodded enthusiastically. Alex would help her more than he could understand. He had become her calm. Her baby's father wasn't exactly as level-headed.

"Thank you…"

"Yeah sure. I got one more weird question."

"Hmmm?"

"Uh, would it be okay if I…?" he began carefully looping his arms around her.

"Alex, you don't have to ask," she smiled softly, a soft chuckle easing through her lips.

"I kinda do. Cause I uh…I wanna do it like this…" he mumbled glancing along her pale flesh. "It's almost like the real thing," he mumbled shyly.

"We'd love that," she whispered turning her back toward him with the intention of resting up against him, her own fingers twined with his as they rested on her stomach.

"Thanks…" His tone said there were several extensions meant for that single word, the thought making her smile.

"Mhm…" If someone were to ask him why the hell he'd opened his mouth about his mother, he had absolutely no answer. Kepner seemed to pull the truth right out of him. Not that he _had_ to lay it out for her. But the fact that he did somehow made breathing (and hopefully sleep) easier to do. April on her part held herself to him with the intent of leaving as little space between them as possible. Because Alex needed it. Because his bravery had earned him enough reward. Because since learning the peace that came with sleeping beside him, nothing else could soothe an ache like this. And it hadn't even been her story to share. _I'm so proud of you, Alex._ She knew not enough, if any one person in his life had even thought such a thing. The one thing he more than anyone deserved to be told. And one day she would. When she felt he was ready to hear it she would say so, with no intent to stop pointing out when he excelled at his craft. At the most basic concept of living. With so scarred a heart, Alex had every reason…even though the thought made her sick to her stomach. With that in mind, she made a mental vow to show him every reason he had to keep trying.

Now that they were allowed out of hiding, April was finally able to feel a little less guilty. Concerning the conversation they had the night before, and how it seemed to relate so much to the one topic that continued to haunt them both, her conscience was even clearer. He hadn't left simply because they couldn't find love anymore. In a way, Alex had made a call for his own personal safety. For that she found him to have even more courage than she already knew he carried with him.

* * *

For the first time in weeks, she found them walking toward the hospital doors with twined fingers. Neither had asked. But no one seemed to pull away either. That filled her with a moment's relief. Their first encounter wasn't exactly ideal. Nor was their most recent reunion but last night proved to both of them that they hadn't found each other simply for the sake of healing. Though they were just scratching the surface of who they were as a couple (that notion would take both of them to completely make sense of), the level of trust he showed made her hopeful.

"Ready?" she whispered. Watching Alex nod absently, she realized the question was more for herself than anything else. "Play nice," she warned. The doctor rolled his eyes and smirked.

"I'm not the one who has to be told to behave." Sighing softly, the trauma surgeon bobbed her head. Jackson would in fact be more of a challenge. She only hoped that he wouldn't be impossible. Squeezing his hand, the doctor silently made her way into the room.

The natural smile Jackson normally wore for April quickly slipped away when he noticed who she was attached to. Despite having prepared for something like this, he spent the night hoping it would just be the two of them. _Not that, that wouldn't be uncomfortable in its own right._

"April…Alex," he nodded respectively. Hearing Karev's name, Arizona's head snapped up. To say that she was surprised he was here would be an understatement. Whatever was going on between the two of them was all well and good (sort of) but to allow himself to be a part of this compromising position made the blonde wonder.

"Okay, April. Let's get you a gown. Jackson….Alex, if you could…" she trailed nodding toward the door. _Not that we haven't seen it before_ Jackson thought. All the same, he followed his friend out into the hall. After several minutes of awkwardness fell between them, the pediatric surgeon cleared his throat.

"She asked…Told her this was more for you guys but she got all weird." He nodded, the motion meant to hide what he knew would be a look of surprise. Not that she'd asked for them both but the idea that Alex denied her at first.

"It's fine. Might actually be a good thing. It's been kind of weird for us. Haven't exactly figured out how this is gonna work yet. Might get awkward." Alex blinked instinctively stepping back. "If it's just us I mean. She seems..collected. I-I haven't seen that in a long time. It's good. If…If you're the reason she's this relaxed, I'd like you to stay."

"Avery, you don't have to play nice out here. It's literally just me. In there we have to pull it together but this is all—"

"No. I'm not being nice to _you,_ " he sneered. "I want this for April. Whatever keeps her relaxed is good for the baby." For just a moment he wondered if the comment encompassed both mother and child. The crap he'd been pulling recently had him leaning toward the latter. _Better late than never_ he thought.

"We're good to go." Alex looked up, the words of his mentor reminding him once again the situation he agreed to be thrown into. _For April_. At least they could agree on that. At least the kid wasn't here yet to get stuck in the middle of this crap. Without a word Alex made his way to April's right side, Jackson her left, while the two refused to meet gazes across the human barrier. "Alright, here we go. Um, now that I have the three of you together, can I ask you, um—I need a favour." _No_ Alex thought instantly. No more favours. No more doing things for people. Well really, he wasn't about to do anything for Robbins. Not because he was a heartless asshole but with word of a court appearance floating around the hospital…And Robbins wasn't big on asking him for anything. She had a tendency to order it, and that was more in relation to work than anything personal.

"Sure."

"Yeah."

"Maybe," he mumbled. The answer earned a light glare from the blonde, probably based on how it sounded coming out of his mouth.

"So, you know Callie and I are going to court." The beginning of the so-called question all but confirmed Alex's answer. Before the other two could be told exactly what they were in for, there was a light knock on the door, the sound making all four doctors turn their heads. "Yeah?" Once realizing who the visitor was, Alex found his eyes wandering over to Robbins, instinctively ready to fall in line beside her. "Blake…Do you need something?"

"Yes. Uh…you. I'm on your service today." If this wasn't already shaping up to be the most awkward situation ever, this definitely did it. All at once, the pediatric surgeon was ready to leave. The only thing putting the breaks on that was April's hand warm in his while they waited on news of the baby.

"Um…uh, really?" _Crap_. Based on what he could see on the other two doctor's faces, they seemed to be waiting for some kind of ball to drop too.

"Maybe I should talk to somebody about switching that?" It would be one less clusterfuck for everyone involved. Not that he had any say where residents were put. If in fact she went through with the switch, he hoped she didn't get bumped to peds. _This shit is exactly why I said no._ The words hadn't been shared out loud but that was the plan. This exchange just confirmed it.

"Yeah, I think that w-we should—You know what? Just wait a second, okay?" Moments like this made him almost grateful to Izzie for sparing them both the headache of a court date and lawyers that would drain them of all of their savings. That didn't stop the act from being cold and thoughtless but it was a lot less pressure. When the door closed again, he groaned softly.

"What were you saying about the…favour?"

"Uh, nothing. Nothing. Let's take a look at this baby." Again, something everyone in the room could agree on.

"Okay," April sighed, hearing even to herself more relieved than she truly felt.

"Okay. First things first—no obvious deformities. The length of the femur is appropriate for gestational age, and that is a perfect and beautiful thing." Even though he was almost certain on the outcome, Alex let off his own wave of relief. He'd been wrong so many times before. At least this wouldn't be one of them. When it came to Kepner, whenever someone was wrong about something, the guilt could follow a person around for years. He would know.

"So, that means…" she chirped hopefully, the pressure on his hand rising incrementally.

"No OI," Jackson breathed, the relief rolling off of him in waves. Perhaps April was right to hope. Though she wouldn't be the first expecting mother to be tested. It wasn't exactly that he regretted the way he'd gone about it, it was what his words and accusations seemed to make of her. One minute they seemed to hit her in all the right places and the next she seemed perfectly fine. And all he'd been trying to do was prove a point. A couple of them really but that was beside the point. To be honest, from where he sat, she looked more than fine. He would have to find a way to get a few answers out of Karev later. How he would pull that off, he wasn't sure yet. They didn't exactly work together a lot.

"No signs of osteogenesis imperfecta."

"Like I said," Alex smirked. April rolled her eyes. There was no way either of them would have known for sure without the ultrasound but his belief in her, his belief in her child made the mother to be smile.

"That is great news..." Jackson offered distractedly, his attention now fully focused on the monitor. He'd planned to do this to keep from being too close to her. Now with Alex there it was an attempt to keep from looking in their direction.

"It is," she chuckled, the weight of not knowing fluttering off her chest.

"Ah, there we go. We've got a strong beating heart."

"Like the kid would have anything else in him," Alex teased. Now it was Jackson's turn to try and keep from looking disgusted. Sure the guy was a great human barrier but his input, his very presence was starting to annoy him. _Because he gets to walk away with April._

"Look at that…" The sight of their child was honestly becoming the best distraction. Even while knowing it wouldn't exactly last, focusing his attention for now seemed to be doing the trick.

"It's beautiful."

"8, 9, 10 fingers," Arizona offered, the room quietly filling with laughter seconds later.

"Alright, let's count those toes." Alright, so the idea was a little silly but whatever. After the shit he put out in front of her and the way she handled it, he could handle this. She'd somehow accepted his crap in a way that only April Kepner really could. He would probably never fully understand what convinced him to dig so deep inside himself. _Beer_. That was literally one of the only things able to make his lips so freaking loose. But even when completely wasted he'd never broken like _that_. Not since Izzie and she felt decades away. Whatever that could mean, he had to tread carefully now. If he somehow found a way to fuck _this_ up, any idea of hope at all was good as lost.

"Yeah, we got 1.2, 3, 4…" Jackson continued. Before even looking up Alex could sense the shift in his teacher's posture. He'd seen those creases in her face before. He had the expression etched so deeply in his memory he did everything humanly possible to avoid crossing it, even as her student.

"What just happened? What did you just see?" The sudden escalation in April's tone made squeezing her hand in comfort instinctive. Almost as a prompt, she took hold of him with a grip he'd only been victim to a few times in his life.

"Uh…"

"You stopped talking. Your mouth smiles but your eyes keep thinking. It's that thing that you do when—"

"April, I'm pretty sure she's just smiling," Jackson voiced unconcerned. _That's not her happy face. I know her happy face. It's an annoying face._

"No, it's that thing that you do when you have bad news and you don't wanna say it." Either the two had spent a lot of tie getting drunk together or April was as intuitive as he pegged her to be.

"What? What did you see?"

"Just spit it out, Robbins," Alex mumbled gently, purposefully keeping his eyes from the monitor so he couldn't do his own reading. If he offered even the slightest change in his expression, she would see it, maybe even feel it, what with her faith and everything.

"It might be nothing."

"It _might_ b _e_ nothing?" For a guy like Avery that was probably no comfort at all. Hell for April it was even worse. She'd shown as much by the sudden grip on his hand. Alex quietly ran circles into her knuckles, his own apprehensive nature beginning to creep in.

"Okay, so it's not OI," April concluded logically. _Yeah but it could be a mess of a whole bunch of other crap_. Not that he wanted any of that for them but at this stage, the chances of _something_ weren't entirely ruled out.

"No, it's not OI. It's—It's the baby's brain." Without meaning to, Alex eased his own grip into something fiercer, thoughts of Aaron and even Amber making their way to the forefront of his memory. In a way, something was wrong with all of their brains. His mother and Aaron were simply born like that. Jimmy did all of that shit to himself. Amber…Well there was still hope for her. Sort of. _It's the baby's brain_. Those words echoed in his own head until they didn't even feel or sound like words anymore. _Dammit!_

He didn't have more than a minute to process his own crap before April met him with her eyes full of questions he wished more than anything he had answers to. It didn't escape him that she made a point to completely avoid Jackson's gaze, surely running through the last major argument through his head. Jackson seemed to accept it from what he could tell. Off in a corner, though still close to the monitors (probably to try and make sense of what they'd heard), the plastic surgeon stood stoically, his face completely blank.

"There's something wrong in the kid's head?" Alex hadn't meant to snap but the tone was over and out before he could think to stop it. This couldn't be happening. Not to them. Not again.

"I-I don't know. Something just looks…"

"Just say it. We're all doctors here. Kepner doesn't need the stress of being in the dark." Jackson almost laughed at the irony of that sentence. At one time, he was _completely_ in the dark. What about his stress? Did anyone care about the secrets kept from him? He tried to hide his momentary disgust. All too quickly focus was drawn back to the monitor, the doctor's nerves on edge now more than ever. He just couldn't do this a second time.

Before anyone could process their next thought, April was standing up, already frantically searching for her neatly folded clothes left beside the bed. Alex could say and do nothing but watch her while she did, making sure she didn't take herself to the edge of sanity over this.

"The ventricles in the baby's brain are slightly dilated. It's hard to tell."

"It's really hard to tell," Jackson parroted. He didn't have the best idea of what they were looking for but the blur was universal. What cleared up behind it would materialize eventually. Just not soon enough.

"Well, so that means—What does that mean?" April muttered, gulping softly to keep her emotions at bay. Alex had never been stared at with so much intent. This was far from the best time for it but in those moments he was again reminded just how deep her eyes went. They weren't nearly as bright as usual but given the circumstances, his weren't either. He didn't need a mirror to know that.

"It could be a positional glitch in the ultrasound, so let's—"

"Or it could be an infection—CMV or varicella," April added nervously. Beside her Alex gave her a careful eye which she readily ignored. With a bit of a sigh, he came to stand behind her, a hand discreetly kept at the small of her back. She had to fight her natural urge to fall into the fold, a sharp eye drawn entirely to the screen in front of her.

"Unlikely, but yes." Whether that would be of comfort to the expecting parents or an ingredient to pre-existing paranoia was yet to be seen.

"You know what? Let's just—"

"What—What else? What else could it be?" April asked frantically.

"Uh, neural-tube defects or a chromosomal abnormality…" _Good job, Robbins. List everything so they send themselves off the walls of this hospital_. Yeah he knew it was standard protocol to disclose everything but when dealing with someone like Kepner, there was a certain way to go about it. He had no clear idea on what the technique was exactly but it definitely wasn't that one. Based on their postures anyway.

"This is not happening. I don't believe this. This is not happening…"

"April," Alex whispered. "It's not even confirmed. Take a breath, babe." Those words did even less in the way of comfort, the gentle warning giving her reason to pull away from him. _Yeah…Didn't exactly work on me either._

"Hey, listen, I'm not sure if this _is_ happening, so let's just play it safe. And let's do a full work-up, and we'll get a bigger picture and we'll be able to say." From where he stood, Arizona had already said plenty. All part of the job but he could tell by their expressions that both of their heads were already full of information that would only build on itself and send them into a tailspin.

"How did you miss this? You said—You said that everything was fine. Weeks ago, you did an ultrasound, you looked at it and you said, 'That is a healthy baby',"

"She didn't miss anything. Sometimes things just show up. We don't even know if anything is wrong right now."

"Alex, there's something wrong with his brain!" she cried. That was strictly a guess but Arizona wasn't about to say anything to a raging April Kepner. To be quite honest, as much as she cared about her friends, there was still the prospect of a court date pressing on the edges of her mind.

"I know, and—"

"You said we were fine. So, did you not look close enough? What? What—"

"Kepner," Alex muttered more firmly. Despite the fire in her eyes, meeting his reluctantly put the tears back in her eyes. Even though they were signs of emotion she refused to show, Alex could see them clear as day. "Look at me." When the doctor refused, he gently tilted her head in his direction. "Nothing is going to happen to this baby, you understand?" April shook her head vigorously. No, she didn't understand. She couldn't even comprehend how something like this could happen to them twice. In a row. After all the praying she'd done, all the hope she drew into her own soul, it could all count for absolutely nothing. "Nothing is going to happen to this baby," he repeated, the meaning behind his original utterance coming in clearer now. He didn't necessarily promise that the baby would be perfect. He'd simply assured that this baby wasn't going to die. Both were the most horrific of thoughts but he was trying…. Good Lord he was trying. When her mind was clearer, she would have to thank him for that.

"You don't now that!" Alex nodded that yes he did. The reality was he had no clue. As frustrating as that was, he had to help her believe that no matter what the fate of this child, they would find a way out of whatever Hell God or whoever put them in.

"It's the safest place he'll ever be." Those words managed to pull silent tears from her eyes, her lip quivering impossibly hard. April didn't have the slightest idea what she felt for Alex Karev but in only a few short sentences she was more grateful for his presence, his very being than anything she could possibly imagine.

"It's the safest place he'll ever be," she echoed, her eyes boar into his in a way that made the rest of the room fall away for a minute. There were days she didn't believe a word of it. But right now? Right now she had to cling to something.

"Hey, let's calm down." Anything Arizona was prompting her friend to try wasn't working in the slightest. The only one who seemed to have any luck at all was Alex and even those moments of hope and faith didn't last for more than a few seconds at a time.

"You said we were fine. And now you're—" If she wasn't so determined to make her freaking point, Alex would physically pull her back toward the bed. Not only for her safety but his limited sanity.

"Let's just—Can we calm down?" _Yeah…. That's not happening. Good luck trying though._ Though he had to admit, the way they were trying to go about it were a little bit different. Arizona just seemed to be stressing the same thing like a broken record. Alex on the other hand was working with various angles. Not that either of them were having any real luck.

"Calm? Okay, you know what? I held my baby, and I watched him die last time. Forgive me if I'm not calm." For the first time since her outrage began to flow, Jackson slowly nodded. At least here he had some say, some perspective. Alex on the other hand, had none. At least none that he knew of.

"Of course. Look um—I just—I just—I meant—"

"Can you just—Can you leave right now? I'm sorry. Can you leave now please?" For a moment, Alex was surprised. After a few seconds of realization, he really wasn't. The most shock came from the way April spoke to her. If he wasn't so aware of both of their habits in body language (April's continuing to throw him off completely as days went on) he would have missed the hurt that sat in his mentor's bones. From what he could see, Arizona looked absolutely defeated. When things were calmed down, he would have to ask April about some of this. He wasn't entirely sure if she meant to address both of them but he found himself stepping away slowly. When she put up no fight to pull him back, he tugged gently at a strand of her hair.

"I've got patients. Page me if you need anything." April nodded robotically, for a moment wishing she could be selfish enough to have them both in the room. Just for a few moments longer.

* * *

Stepping into the NICU, Alex could feel a familiar relief that came with knowing he was doing what he could to help people. This morning had been a complete bust. He couldn't help April and Jackson at all. Not with this stuff. And that pained him. At least where she was concerned. He didn't know if Avery was forgiven or not for all the shit he'd done but for the sake of fairness, Alex figured that no he didn't. Approaching the first incubator, he let a natural smile shape to his mouth. Easing the cool end of the stethoscope across the baby's tiny chest, e let his chest swell for a second.

"Nice. Your bilirubin is down. You're ready to go, champ." As demanding as this job was, as depressing as it got, there was a light that came into focus every time they were ready to let a kid go home. In an attempt to check his heart rate, an attempt to count was interrupted by the approaching of nervous foot falls.

"Hey, I need your help." If there was one thing that helped Callie Torres in her career it was her very direct nature. Alex himself wasn't all that different but there was a way about Callie that sometimes set him off. The woman had a tendency to prattle on for hours. And she really would, if you let her. At least based on his limited experience.

"Morning."

"As a friend, and a doctor and a peds doctor. More as a friend."

"Uh, whichever. What?"

"Um, well…It's a—it's a—it's a big ask. And uh, I wouldn't ask but I need someone who knows me and my kid. Someone who people trust with kids. And you're the…Well, you've known me the—for the lon—" _No._ One round a day of this stuff was more than enough for him. Tomorrow she could probably try again and he might have a little bit more patience. She didn't exactly need permission to carry on the next day but the idea of her asking made him laugh. Nobody really knew how to _ask_ for anything around here. All except for maybe April. When they were made to ask unprofessional questions, they all became flustered teenagers over the whole thing.

"Callie just—"

"No wait. Hold on. I—" she sighed. Making sure his attention was completely focused on the boxed baby, the surgeon lightly rolled his eyes. "Okay, I also know…that you…have a relationship with Arizona. And you're very…" _Of course it's about this…_

"Wait, are you asking me to take the stand for you for your custody thing? Cause it's a no. I like you both. I'm not picking sides." More than that he already had one pissed off mother minutes from throwing most of the hospital under the bus. Everyone knew April had a natural habit of overreacting but this…Blaming Robbins for something nobody had even seen? That was… Not to say that he didn't understand the fear because he did. But right now, they were all struggling to prove themselves as worthy mothers. Alex, on his naïve opinion thought they were all doing really freaking well given the cards they were dealt.

* * *

April found herself on trembling limbs all morning and into the afternoon. As often as she repeated what felt like her and Alex's mantra in her head, it did nothing to quiet the concern burning a hole in the lining of her stomach. Anxiously waiting for the elevator to arrive, she bounced quietly on her toes, trying to find the best and most respectful way to go about pestering her friend. When her eyes met Arizona's in the back of the boxcar, she sighed. _I didn't mean now._

"Are my labs back yet?" Alright so maybe she did. But at the very least she would have liked to have some kind of speech prepared. _This isn't a debate_. Still, the woman was her friend. More than ask for answers she needed to find a minute to apologize. The right minute. _I guess the minute is here_.

"Hey, um no, not yet. I-I put a rush on them, but I really think they're going to be normal." April could feel the familiar anger burning in her chest. She sounded unsure. The last time one of their own was unsure, their son was given OI. What would happen to this one? As she considered such a catastrophe, her hand found a way to her belly, the action prompting a light kick making her wish that Alex had stayed. More than that, she wished he was somehow on this elevator. If nothing else, he could prevent her from making a complete fool of herself.

"Yeah, but they'll be inconclusive," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but you know, I—Then I'll just—I'll do a repeat ultrasound in two weeks to see—" Fourteen whole days. Did she not realize how much could be done; how much could change in a matter of fourteen days? Did she care at all?

"Two weeks? I can't wait two weeks. We might be able to do something."

"I know that you're worried, but I-I really—" Arizona had lost track of just how may times she stammered through the same thought. For someone who was supposed to be entirely focused on work, she could only make out the gentle smile f her own child. Along with it came the more terrifying realization that time was not helping in her situation at all. She had to prepare for this trial, and keep a sharp mind at work. Somehow, she had to keep her head above water.

"Look, what about a fetal MRI—to get a better look at the baby's brain." Sure there were downsides but so what? Didn't every single procedure in this hospital? If it would get her the peace of mind, the relief, she didn't care how often she needed to be sedated. It may not be the best thing for Mom or baby but they hadn't exactly been given the most amazing of situations.

"To get a clear image, I'd have to put you and the baby under general anesthesia and I-I don't want to do that unless I have to. Neither do you. Look, you need to trust me. I know that I've tested your trust before but…you need to trust me."

"I trusted you to catch this," she muttered angrily. Before she could duck her way out of the elevator, the blonde caught her arm, a scowl sharp on her face.

"Excuse me? Listen, April. I'm doing the best I can here, okay? I'm telling you that you have nothing to worry about. I'm telling you the tests are coming. They just can't be handed to you _right now_. Trust me, I wish that's the way the system worked, but it's not. So we're just going to have to wait this one out, okay? You've got Jackson, you've got me. You've even got Alex to lean on while you wait. Take advantage of that. 'Cause at least you have people. Some don't have anybody. All they've got is themselves. Me, myself and I to fight like hell to make sure they have a right to hold their babies again."

"What are you talking about?" she mumbled, thoroughly lost. Moments before she was pointing out a general fact and now…Now it seemed she wasn't being general at all. Realization came like a slap in the face. Arizona was going to ask them something. Something about a court date…All at once the conversation they had weeks before came flooding back. It was over a bottle of red wine but most of it was pretty clear. "Oh…Arizona…I…I've been so preoccupied with…Oh my God, I'm so sorry…. If you need anything, please let me know."

"Um, not right—Not right now, no. But thanks…." She replied quietly, not entirely sure she could trust April to be all that present right now. This morning she was ready to ask them to testify. Now…Now it seemed she wanted to play just as dirty as Callie. She wasn't entirely sure what this game plan was but from what she'd seen in the past, her ex was putting up a fight she was already losing.

* * *

"Huh?! Callie asked you?" Well that was just great…Now she literally had absolutely no one. She didn't have anyone on her side now but that was based strictly on her choice to keep mutual friends out of the argument. Her ex-wife seemed to have no problem in making enemies. All for this Penny person, who as far as she could tell Callie hardly knew. The fact that her daughter came home prattling on about how wonderful "Mami's friend was made the peds surgeon more than uncomfortable but she held her tongue in front of Sofia.

"Yeah, and I said no." That was a bit of a relief. It didn't take off a lot of the pressure but at least she knew he wasn't going to be stacking cards against her. _If it comes down to it, he could stack cards on my side_. That was something of a last resort though. But Alex knew her so well…They were friends. Good friends. Really good friends. _Maybe…_

"And you're saying no to me? Alex, we're friends." A stupid argument really. This entire hospital ran like a family. At least in regard to the surgical staff. But she had to try. If she had Alex, she really wouldn't…need…

"Callie's my friend too," he muttered around a mouthful of food. On learned habit he checked both his pager and his phone. Nothing from April. Yet. That had to be some kind of good sign.

"No, I know. Come on." _It's a last resort, Arizona. Webber told you to fight hard but you don't have to be losing friends in the process._ Though what she was trying for was only a scratch in what she gathered was Callie's master plan. A clearing of the throat turned her attention. Almost immediately she wished she hadn't, the woman's tempter quietly beginning to flare.

"Dr. Robbins?"

"Blake, what do you want?" she snapped. The woman was like a damn shadow. And today it wasn't a residents' shadow. She knew those too well. This following felt different, more strategic.

"I just got the labs," she mumbled quietly, unsure of where to step around the woman. For that reason, she stood completely still, her tray balanced evenly in her grasp. Any sudden movements and the entire cafeteria could erupt.

"You are _everywhere_. She is everywhere. It's like she's a spy for Callie." That was the only logical reasoning for any of this. It had to be. She hadn't felt so…violated in a long tie. And Penny hadn't even breathed within a foot of her yet. Well, until now.

"Listen—"

"What? Did you hear enough? Do you want us just to go over anything for you, so that you can report back that I'm incompetent, and that I miss things as a doctor AND as a mother? I mean, what else? What else? You know what? Hey, do they know about the fake leg? 'Cause I'm definitely not the best runner in a crisis. So why don't you go back and report that to them and just back off of me? Just back off!" From where he sat, Alex could only watch, trying to keep his expression as neutral as possible. When Robbins blew her top, she _really_ …

"Well crap..." he mumbled.

* * *

Brushing the last of her tears, Arizona straightened out her lab coat, approaching her friend with newfound perspective and understanding. Like Arizona had done during her entire ordeal, April was doing what she could to prepare for her child. Doing so in the face of fear meant knowing everything. Understanding it. Knowing how to prepare. For someone like April, preparation was key. Anything short of every detail would make work hell on Earth for almost everyone.

"April, you really want an MRI? You want me to put you and your baby under general anesthesia?" She wasn't exactly bouncing up and down over the idea but if it made her friend less anxious…

"I want to know," she confirmed quietly, contemplating how she could go about apologizing for her insensitive behaviour. This wasn't the first time she'd done it, but it would certainly be the last.

"Come with me."

When she entered the room, her jaw all but hit the floor when she saw who had made it to the appointment. Alex of all people sat ready and waiting. There was no question he'd gotten the update but given his argument the night before, he wouldn't have come on his own.

"I um, I invited him…" Jackson muttered, his gaze entirely focused on the hospital flooring. "He…He's good at keeping your head straight." Well aware of his nerves, April smiled softly, regretting now more than ever that she went off on her friend. The fact that the three of them were there to walk her through whatever this was…. It was more than she had a right to ask for. As easily as he spoke the words, there was an acidic taste in his mouth now. _I used to be able to do that better than anyone here_ he thought, wondering where exactly all of that had gone to shit. _They died with Samuel_. Again he was reminded of her strength and in this moment, like many before, he envied her for it. Whether it was her believe in some god or some newly built foundation with Karev, he didn't care. He hated all of it. Though, if he had to choose, the idea of Alex keeping her warm and safe _and relaxed_ made him want to rip the paint off these walls.

"Okay, so here the baby's brain ventricular diameter is 10.1. But here is a much clearer picture," she said. Alex didn't miss the rise in tone, prompting him to prepare a grin that would in seconds cross his face.

"So it's nothing," April mused quietly.

"It's _definitively_ nothing. A false positive on the ultrasound, a glitch. Just like I said."

"Thank you, God." While being an expression meant to show his own relief, there was something about watching every muscle in her body come loose with release of all the tension that made his own heart lighter.

"Thank you. God," Jackson whispered. Alex wondered if he was aware of his own slip. In that moment it hardly mattered. It mattered even less when April quietly took his hand, squeezing it as tightly as her little ones could. He had never seen a smile so big. At least not one he hadn't helped her bring to the surface. Knowing that this wasn't him, that it was something else, someone else made it all the more powerful.

Jackson watched the transformation, completely at a loss for what to do next. Alex seemed to be taking it in stride, almost encouraging it. He on the other hand just couldn't make sense of it.

"I call it her faith face," he mused. Jackson quirked a brow, a small scowl taking shape at the corner of his mouth.

"Her what?"

"You didn't see that? Her whole face little up like a freaking tree. All the anger…the tension…gone. And it had nothing to do with Arizona," he pointed out. "No offense," he added quickly.

"None taken," she grinned, simply pleased to learn that she was wrong about everything.

"You actually believe in this stuff? That there's a God, or whatever?"

"I don't know what I believe but if I didn't believe in something, I'd be haunting the elevator," he said, most of the humour washed from his response. The notion just made Jackson shiver. He'd already lost too many people. Back then the thought of losing the only guy who considered him a friend…. Even now. Especially now. _For April._ April on her part could have lost it in a puddle of happy tears right then. Her baby was safe. Her baby was healthy. Alex had been right. Alex had defended her relationship with God…to Jackson of all people. And he did so of it his own desire to help her ex-husband understand. Not that he would. But the gesture was enough to make her heart swell.

"Thank you so much for doing the MRI. I know you weren't crazy about it, but I-I needed this. And I-I know I was—I went a little crazy today, and…I just—I got really scared. I needed to know…" Before her entire breath was used up, a hand found hers once more, the light pressure in her palm turning her gaze toward him.

"I told you so," he sang.

"Shut up…I know I went a little crazy…" she blushed.

"A little?" he laughed.

"Okay a lot…But I wouldn't have if it wasn't important.

"I get that." Catching a single sheet of paper out of the corner of his eye, Alex's gaze once again shifted. Blinking in momentary confusion, it didn't entirely click until Robbins began to speak.

"Um…This is a list of the very, very, very best OBs that I know." _Finally pulling out the conflict of interest card_. Not that he minded the idea of having Arizona be the baby's doctor or anything. It just made this crap a lot less confusing.

"What?"

"What do you mean?"

"Because I can't be your doctor."

"Wait, listen. Listen, I am—I'm sorry. I just needed to know for sure."

"I don't think that's the problem…. Conflict of interest. Standard protocol." Jackson grimaced. According to protocol people weren't allowed to date within the workplace and they were all guilty of breaking that rule from the very beginning. A rule nobody seemed to give a crap about."

"We're breaking protocol right now…." He pointed out, eyeing the grip Karev had on his ex-wife's hand.

"Not we," he corrected. "Me and April are…. But nobody's given a crap about that since intern year. The stuff Robbins is talking about it is different. It's…. messier."

"How?"

"This morning should be enough of a clue…" Alex muttered. Even though she knew he didn't mean it for her, remembering the way she'd spoken to her friend, to all of them made her stomach hurt.

"I…I'm sorry…"

"If I'm gonna be your doctor then I can't be your friend. And—"

"No, come on," Jackson whispered. This was actually kind of stupid really. They were doing just fine until this morning. Everything was going great until…Shaking his head, he sighed.

"And I want to be your friend. I'm sorry."

"How am I supposed to know I can trust any of these?" April squeaked. According to the list of names, she didn't know a single soul. Looking it over, Alex grimaced. As much as he trusted her recommendations, there was one she'd left off the list completely.

"Here, let me see that." When she handed it to him, he took the pen out of his labcoat pocket and scribbled in Addison Montgomery's information. "Her and I go back a few years. If things start to go south for the winter, you call her."

"I'm kind of hoping they don't," April whispered.

"Call her anyway," he shrugged. "She's the best we've got. No offense."

"None taken." _I think…_

* * *

 **A/N: Leave them below :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Unfortunately, there was no way around all the Calzona in here. I tried my best to counter it with some good AK2 though!**

 **Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

Court. A last ditch effort to make sense of what should be done about their daughter. Despite her ex-wife being the one to suggest such a cutthroat custody battle, a hearing was the last thing either of them wanted. The system would tear their small family apart limb from limb, Sofia suffering more than either of them. But that was the problem with any kind of justice system.

Arizona learned that the hardest way when her older brother Tim came home to them in casket. He had done to war with the intention of improving the lives of others. As a result, he lost his own. In order for children to be given a second chance at life, another family suffered immeasurable loss. In all truth, there really was no such thing as a happy ending. Someone had to give. Someone had to take. At the end of the day, the hope was to land somewhere in the middle. Today, neither party landed anywhere except in hot water with each other. It would be the final decision of a stranger that would dictate the future of their little girl.

After politely thanking her attorney, Arizona rose from her seat, glad that she would be going to work the next day before being forced into a court room. Still, she rose sluggishly, for the first time denied the certainty of Sofia's shining face. Yes, it was her turn according to their decided rotation but her day would be spent at the frat house playing in blissful ignorance with Zola.

Although her work with tiny humans left her with a strong belief in the idea of miracles, she wasn't quite sure what she believed in the face of this trial. She felt every bit as much Sofia's mother and shoot down anyone who denied her the title. But that didn't mean that the cards would play in her favour. In fact, that alone told her she and her small team of supporters were in for one hell of an uphill battle.

Adjusting her lab coat, she made her way into the exam room, strangely thankful for a familiar face. Reflecting back on their first encounter with Jenny, she almost chuckled. Alex was the only one besides herself that she trusted to do well by her patients. In light of their awkward position, April stood with a finger over speed dial, ready to replace her if things grew too intense. Hearing her melodic breath in greeting, the peds surgeon looked up, his brow creased in question. Drawing her attention back to the young patient, she frowned.

"This one is deeper than I would like."

"I'll stitch it up. You have to go." How she even found the time to stop in before going he had no idea. If he was in her shoes he would be trying hard as hell not to be a nervous wreck. This wasn't like when he circled back during his boards, though Morgan's baby provided a great distraction. If he missed them, he could retake them. The court's decision would only come down once. If Arizona missed it, that was it.

"Is the baby okay?" Pulling up beside her to take a decent look at the tiny monitor, he waited for the grainy image to present itself. He was close to arguing that he could take it from here. He knew how to work an ultrasound machine but it was way too early in the damn morning for a stupid argument that they both knew he would end up losing anyway.

"Let's take a look." Alex didn't have to take his eyes from the screen to feel a shift in the room. Without words, April's announcement to her presence remained absolutely silent. This one was going to be better. He could feel it. Sure the situation sucked; cuts and gashes around the girl's entire stomach. But at least there was no sign that she had done it to herself or anyone else.

"Jenny? Hi. Tara. I heard you fell," April said softly. The teenager didn't make any obvious acknowledgment to her observation but Alex could see that she was already at least a little bit calmer. How the hell Kepner always managed to do that to people, he would never know.

"On some dishes. I was washing them and got soapy water all over the floor. Then I slipped."

"I told her I would do them later. She's nesting I think." Arizona flashed a small smile. Mom seemed a lot calmer than the last time they talked. Calm was good for everyone in the room. They would be able to work a lot faster with agreeable opinions. _Calm_ she thought, a shallow breath taking shape in her throat. If only she could do the same for herself.

"Mom, cut it out." Placing the small wand on Jenny's belly, she felt the smile become less strained. Years ago she chose tiny humans for the competition, the challenge. Today, she could only hope that there would be little to no bloodshed waiting for her while they aimed to do what was best for their own baby.

"There is the baby's heartbeat. Nice and steady and the baby's active, which is exactly what you want." Jenny looked skeptical. The small butterfly in her own uterus made April less apprehensive about what they were facing. The gashes on her stomach looked absolutely awful but everything was out in the open now. She wouldn't be asked to keep anymore secrets. _That_ kind of quiet was deafening. And Alex would be working at her side. Not that she assumed anything would go wrong. Her fears had been wonderfully silenced. If at any point her thoughts took over, she had him.

"I fell really hard. Are you sure?" the teen asked nervously.

"Well, the baby looks great, but I see some free fluid in your abdomen. It might be bleeding," Alex mumbled.

"Or amniotic fluid." Nodding slowly, the peds surgeon sighed. "Jenny, I'm gonna have to take you up and have a look."

"Surgery?" Tara asked, her tone only slightly on edge.

"No. No surgery. I don't want to have to go through that again." Her daughter was practically frantic. Weeks before she came in just looking for a doctor's opinion on a flu or something. She never expected anyone to take note of the fact that she was pregnant. And suddenly they were discussing a second emergency procedure. _Not happening. Not again._ Alex saw a flash of defiance come across her face and nodded slowly pulling forward a sense of reassurance she would actually believe.

"It's nothing. I'm gonna make a small incision, put a scope in there, make sure everything's alright." Oh…Okay. No cutting. She'd already had enough of that. And really, they were just looking. There wasn't anything really _wrong_ , right?

"You'll be there right?" Tara asked. If they really had to be back in this place, she would feel better about her daughter's care if they were dealing with the same doctors. Doctors who already understood.

"Um, I'm—I'm sorry. Actually, I wish I could. Today I can't. Dr. Russo will monitor the baby. He's the OB on call and he's great." Jenny mentally grimaced. "Great" didn't mean anything. The last time they were here, she hadn't even heard of the guy.

"I will be there though. I'm happy to. Don't you need to get going?" The young girl turned to the soft-spoken doctor. They hadn't exactly agreed on very much but at least hers would be a face that she knew. Someone who knew enough about her story to do good by her child. From the look on Jenny's face, April knew she didn't exactly intend to come off as frightened as she looked. Still, the doctor's heart went out to her. In a few weeks her life would be _completely_ different than the one she lead now, even while pregnant. Unlike hers, she had every intention of making sure that this child saw their birthday.

Stealing the smallest glance to her best friend, the most sincere of prayers was offered in her favour. No mother survived the loss of her child; no matter which way God decided to do that. In most cases she would have offered good luck but this situation would be unfortunate in either direction.

"Yeah. Um, I will check in later." Leading Alex out of the room, the blonde sighed, not at all prepared for the battle she was moments from facing. At least here a few final notes and warnings would help in giving Jenny the best care possible. "Um, Russo's good but he can be a little old-school, just so you know."

"Alright, go." Even while gently sending her away, he could see a dozen forms of uncertainty in her eyes. "Arizona," he muttered. "It's gonna be okay." She nodded, swallowing hard. As far as she could see, of this was going to be okay. Her ex-wife had become someone she had never seen before. Knowing that the cards were already playing in her favour, how much of a chance did she really have? "We got this, alright? You go get your kid."

"Thanks Karev." Squeezing her shoulder firmly, he made his way back into the room.

"Lemme know how it goes." Nodding slowly, she took a deep breath. "She's really good at that praying thing. April might not look like she's all here right now but I've seen her try that hard only two other times. And those were for her own kids." Arizona wondered how he even knew so much in regard to April. Though question sat at the tip of her tongue, she shook her head.

"What happened to Jo?" she asked quietly. She had yet to get a decent answer for the sudden disappearance of the brunette he once promised to spend the rest of his life with. In her pace was a fiery redhead still trying to make sense of her own former relationship.

"What?"

"Wilson. What did you do?" Alex screwed his eyes together. When did this become about his crap with Jo? Noting the sparked anxiousness in the creases of her face, he groaned.

"I didn't do anything, okay? For once, this one wasn't me. Feelings are just…gone." Even while he said that, he knew how bad it looked, especially to someone who knew him as well as Arizona did. "There's nothing there anymore. I wasn't gonna keep pretending. It wasn't fair to either of us."

"That's quite a turnaround," she pointed out.

"I'm not using her," he nearly snapped. "I know it's what everybody wants to think but I'm not. After what happened at the lab, she came looking for empty room. I'm guessing she just wanted to cry, maybe pull herself together, I don't know. Whatever it is she wanted to do, she found me in one of 'em. I was just…thinking about crap. Work. What I was going to do about Jo. I was just…thinking." He paused, haunted by the look on his girlfriend's face. Never had the urge to protect her screamed so loud. From what he remembered, she looked no better than a shell. No, he'd never held her before. No, he hadn't asked if she needed him to. His memory called on those actions without him. "Robbins, I've known her for years…I've never seen her like that," he whispered. "Whatever happened up there sucked the fight right out of her. I almost picked her up and brought her over myself. And then…she just sat there. She sat there shaking so damn hard," he swallowed. "It's kind of screwed up actually. She kissed me. It was an accident. And the minute it happened, it didn't feel like one." Arizona watched him in wonder. Alex had never been this…open. Alex never looked at making out with another person as accidental. And the one time he did…his eyes told her how right he thought it to be.

"I never said you were. I guess I'm just…surprised. You guys are…a little odd," she admitted. Where she should have said something about the idea that he'd cheated, she could find nothing. She'd done the same with Murphy in some ways. There was and never would be anything she could say or do to make Callie understand. Honestly, she had stopped trying to. Nothing the Latina heard would make any of it acceptable.. All of that aside, her mentee looked a lot more at ease now. Who was she to take that away from him?

"I'm not that guy anymore…" Robbins nodded. No, he really wasn't. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laid eyes on "that guy". There was no mistaking the broken tension when she noticed April take his hand the other day. And even though Jackson looked obviously hurt, he'd been relatively quiet about the whole thing. "Enough about my crap. You go get her. We'll be here if you need anything."

"Okay." Watching her leave, he grimaced. Based on the points he'd heard her make over the last few weeks, Arizona had a pretty solid case. One he would without question stand for on her behalf. Anything to keep a kid comfortable and happy. Torres was ready to take all of that away from her. This time, he had a strong feeling that "birth mother" wasn't going to determine everything on its own.

* * *

With Alex's reassurances a soft echo in her head, Arizona went out to her car, a little bit more sure of herself now. The faster they could tackle this, the happier everyone would be. As much as she wanted her daughter, what concerned her most was the impending damage already put on her for opening up this can of worms in the first place. Seeing Richard across the way, she took one more big breath, eyeing the intimidating building before her.

"Hey."

"Well, I uh, ground the beans myself," the former chief said proudly while handing her a mug. The nervous surgeon bobbed nervously. Would coffee actually relax her any or just make all of the anxiety worse? Still, she held it in a tight fist, thankful for the warmth it emitted into her shaking hands.

"Thanks. Let's go," she breathed, already headed toward the steps.

"Wait. Wait… We have a few minutes. How you feeling?" How was she feeling? Was it even a valid question at this point? She just looked at him blankly, naïvely hoping that the older man had some kind of alternate solution to all of this. As a former chief, he always seemed to have the answer to _everything._ At least, to questions she had no matter how sensible of stupid they were. "Robbins. It'll be tough, but right now you have to look past the pain to what you'll have when they're done."

"'At the end, you'll have a baby'. That's what I tell all the labouring moms." It seemed to be one of few things that gave them the motivation they needed to push through until the end. Today, she was neither a doctor nor a birthing mother. By the time the sun went down, would she be a mother at all?

"You're not drinking," he pointed out. Where most would try and hide being insulted, Richard was doing what he could to take care of her. As grateful as she was for the attention, she really just wanted to get all of this over and done with.

"Oh. Okay." When it seemed he had nothing more to give to their one-sided conversation, she took a small sip, turning only slightly to take in her approaching ex-wife and her small party of supporters. For the sixth time that morning, she wondered what would have swayed Karev or even April to stand beside her now.

Walking into the wooded room, every muscle in her body constricted. Arizona Robbins was not one to sit down peacefully. Before the crash she lived on roller sneakers, just to stay in constant motion. Today she had no choice but to sit and wait for the pain about to unfold within the next few hours. _Mommy loves you,_ though right now she didn't quite know who needed to hear it more; her own fading confidence or her little girl.

"We're here today to determine a custody modification of a minor between two divorced parents, Arizona Robbins and Calliope Torres. The trial's witness pool is unusual in that it'll be shared by both parents. The parties have stipulated to call each witness once, at which time, each side will have a chance to examine that witness." Only minutes in and she was already feeling the pressure. She wasn't sure how Callie managed to sway a few of their friends but she did. They were here because they managed to choose sides. "If you're testifying, remember—this is not a popularity contest." At this very moment that's exactly what it felt like. "You are not choosing sides. We're all on the same side—the side of a six year old child." A six year old who still had no idea that no matter hwo this ended, her life would never be the same. "Dr. Torres, Dr. Robbins, custody hearings are without exception, very difficult on all parties involved, your daughter included. Things said here will undoubtedly be harsh and cannot be unsaid. I ask this of parents before I begin any custody hearing. Are you both sure you want to proceed?"

"Yes your Honour, I'm sure, Arizona mumbled. After all the fighting, something had to come of this.

"I'm sure, Your Honour."

"Then this court is now in session to determine sole physical custody of Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres." Rolling her lip, she suddenly wished she believed in more than the art of science and medical miracles. Arizona could feel herself only moderately check out when Owen approached the bench. He went on to discuss a project both he and Callie were a part of, the subject somehow tied to Callie's openness to adventure and commitment. To be quite fair, some of it just ended up coming out in a hum she could barely distinguish, most of their words distorted.

"You live with Dr. Robbins, don't you?" _Deluca_. The man was almost always nervous about something. This proved no different while he was up on the stand. But much like anything he ever took to in surgery, there was a relaxed determination to do well by his boss.

"I rent a room in her house," he clarified.

"I bet you never expected to be living with a six year old." To be quite honest, he couldn't think of one intern with a preset plan to live with a child, let alone one that belonged to his boss. But really, it wasn't the worst thing in the world.

"Yeah, sure I wasn't uh, thrilled to be living with a kid, uh till I started living with one." To be fair, his history as an EMT made him a little bit more hesitant than most of his peers. Then again, he was the only one to take the invitation to rent from Robbins. "I had never been around a lot of kids before, but Sofia's a blast. She's so smart and hilarious I mean, she and her mom are just laughing all the time. The place is so happy. Sofia _makes_ the place happy." And really, that was the stark difference between his bleak experiences. Years before, he would just wait for the darkness to dissipate. Coming home to the six year old washed all of that away within minutes. It wasn't something that made him excited at the idea of his own future involving "tiny humans" as Arizona often called them but Sofia managed to make things lighter. "We see so much dark stuff every day at work. It's—It's really nice to come home to a happy kid." After a handful of related questions, he was asked to step down. Making his way back to his seat, he could only hope he said the right things.

"So, would you say you love Sofia?" It was here that Arizona woke her hazy mind. As much as she disliked the woman, her questioning was the one she was most looking forward to. Did she know Sofia as well as she often claimed? The easiest and most obvious answer was no. Only two people in this room could answer that. To this day she wondered what Callie even saw in the woman. From where she sat, there wasn't much. At least based on her biased opinion.

"I—I have come to. Yes."

"Oh, that's nice. And how long have you known Sofia now?"

"Well, we met a few months ago." Watching Blake be questioned, she wondered not for the first time if Callie had even thought any of this through. How much about her did she really come to know before deciding that they were suddenly in love? She was past playing the part of a jealous ex-girlfriend. Her current line of question came in light of the fact that the judge could very well be putting their young daughter in this woman's care. Callie of course saw no problem with any of it. But she'd been the one to set the ball in motion in the first place.

"Oh, and how well would you say you've gotten to know Sofia in the few months that you've spent together, Dr. Blake?"

"Very well." Right…What judge would actually believe that "very well" came after only a few months. Arizona would be the first to admit that years ago she wanted nothing to do with children beyond the fine lines of surgery. But learning to love and care for Sofia had changed that drastically. Blake was probably looking at this as a prime opportunity to play house with _her_ family.

"Oh. Very well. That's good. That's uh, very good. What's her favourite colour?"

"Blue."

"Her favourite toy?"

"Objection. Irrelevance. This isn't a quiz show." No, it wasn't but this was a good test to see just how much the doctor really cared about her girlfriend's daughter. She knew that Callie wouldn't see it quite in that way but Arizona certainly did. But she wasn't about to point this out to her attorney.

"I'm trying to establish the nature of Dr. Blake's relationship with Sofia."

"I'll allow it," the judge muttered.

"Her favourite toy is Astronaut Barbie. Her favourite cereal is Whole Grain O's. Her favourite animal is a unicorn. Her favourite sea creature is a mermaid. And her bedtime is 8:30. And her favourite thing to do in the morning is pick out her outfit. You can ask me anything you want." _What do you do for her when she wakes up from a bad dream? What song does she like to be hummed after she's cried?_

* * *

"5 mm scope. Why aren't you there? In court?" Sure they were living together but he was almost sure that April would be one of the first ones to line up for Robbins on the day of her trial. Instead, they were both here doing what htye could to help a young mother and her baby survive.

"Why aren't you there?" she countered. Even though she understood long ago that he was never one to play favourites, why he hadn't offered anything to Arizona on what can only be described as the most painful day of her life, flustered her. Of anyone in the hospital, those two were the closest student-teacher relationship she'd ever seen. She would have figured he'd be one of the first.

"I've seen enough people fighting over kids." Funny coming from him seeing as his old man never gave a crap about him or his siblings. He felt for his mom because he knew that if she wasn't nuts, he wouldn't be nearly as messed up. But Annabelle Karev couldn't help the fact that she was crazy. What could be helped was the number of beers his father drank in a single afternoon. What could be helped was the number of times he had to clean up after him. What could be helped were the multitude of bumps and bruises he found across his mother's skin almost daily. But none of it made one bit of difference. "I let her know we were here though. In case she needed anything. Said she'll call when they know something. For now, let's just focus on this kid."

"That's good," she whispered. "I want to be there, I do. I-I just don't know if I can watch it all, you know? I know that's incredibly selfish of me to say but…I can't handle all the sadness. With the baby, I've started crying over the smallest things…"

"I know," he mused. His flippant remark earned him a bit of a glare.

"And…Arizona she's…She's been here for so much. I don't want to accidently make it about me. This is an important day for them." Alex highly doubted she would turn it on herself but shrugged anyway.

"If you really feel like you should go, I got this," he muttered behind his mask. April shook her head. She'd already made a promise to Jenny and her mother that she would be here through the surgery.

"I'm fine here," she said softly. From where she stood, Jenny's small body open across the table, the trauma surgeon tilted her head upward. Alex took in the shift and sighed. Prayer wasn't something that worked for him. As a kid he'd been stupid enough to try it. By the time he was thirteen he'd decided that if it was meant to work, they would be out of that mess by now. Seeing as they never really left…Well, that was enough of an indication that asking for help from God wasn't really his thing. That didn't mean he didn't believe in nothing. It just wasn't necessarily April's god.

"Well, there's the free fluid. Suction irrigator please." The surgeon sighed. Yes, they had found what they initially suspected. That didn't necessarily mean he liked it.

"How are we looking here, Dr. Karev?" _Dr. Bozo_ he grumbled to himself. The guy was good. He just wasn't great. Based on his own experience with the guy, he went with what was easiest forgoing anything that took a little bit of extra time to get the patient what they wanted. In a few years' time, Dr. Russo would be the next Campbell.

"Uh well, that's not blood."

"Ohh. Oh no." April bit her lip, shaking her head only enough to reflect a moment's disappointment.

"Looks like amniotic fluid. Show me the uterine fundus please." Once given a clear image, the OB grimaced. "Dammit, uterus is perforated. Let me have a look there." Pushing past Alex he groaned. "Thank you. Getting fluid in her abdomen. This pregnancy has just become non-viable." What the hell? The kid wasn't even close to term yet. How could one look at her determine whether or not the baby was gonna live?

"This baby's barely viable outside that womb. It's only 24 weeks." Whichever way they looked at it, this baby was gonna probably die. Unless Russo could come up with a solution that actually made sense.

"You can repair it, can't you?" April countered.

"I can try. Throw in a plasma patch, hope for the best."

"Hope for the best?" Alex asked suspiciously. In no area of medical science did that sound like "the best". He didn't know how long this guy had been working with fetuses but from the way he even talked to them he was probably an intern back in the Stone Age. Right up there with the dinosaur.

"It's experimental but if we wanna prolong this pregnancy—" At least he was willing to try something. Still, he wasn't too fond of the way the doctor gave orders. He couldn't quite put a finger on why either, which only added to the frustration.

"Of course we do," April muttered. Like the answer would be anything else. If she was in Jenny's shoes (which in a way she had been already), she would want them to do everything humanly possible for her baby.

"Then a patch is the way to go."

"Wait. Five seconds ago, you wanted to deliver. Now you're confident in a plasma patch?" Why was he so quick to change his mind? Based on what Arizona offered Tara, this guy was one of the best. Alex had yet to see that. _Because he's not Robbins_ he finally concluded. That was at least part of it. He'd been working peds for so long that the two of them had an unspoken rhythm when they operated. With Russo he was left in virtual darkness until they closed her up.

"Dr. Karev, I am the OB on call here. You are a peds surgeon. If I say that a patch is best, a patch is best." _Well screw you too…_ It wasn't the first time April had heard such an attitude but his tone still rose a flustered brow. She'd gotten used to hearing it from Alex. So much so that it was a comfortable expectation. At one point even Stark was familiar enough to her. But Russo concerned her in ways she couldn't quite explain.

"Kepner?"

"If it keeps the baby in, I vote for the patch." Even in so confident an answer, Alex could hear the hesitation. It really wasn't just him then. That was good at least.

"Stay in your lane, Dr. Karev. Prep albumin polymers please." His own lane? Who was this guy? Someone who clearly didn't take well to opinions. Shaking his head, he eyed April quietly beside him. _He's the boss_. No, that would be Robbins. But for now they were stuck with this tool. If he couldn't get rid of him, at least he could escape him for five minutes.

"I'll update the mom."

* * *

Approaching the waiting room, he spotted Tara waiting anxiously a few rows back. For the first time today he noticed that she was alone. How she was doing this without at least one erson to support her reminded him too much of his own mother. The only difference was, Anna had no idea she was a single parent. Ninety percent of the time she was waiting on a husband who would never come back. "How'd it go? How's Jenny?"

"Well, she's still in surgery but doing great. We located the source of the leak, and Dr. Russo's repairing it right now." Something she could hang onto at least, even if Karev was starting to really dislike the guy. It wasn't even that he was a bad doctor. No, he was fine. He was good. He just rubbed him all wrong. _Because that used to be you._ Alex tried hard not to visibly cringe at the idea. There was no way this doctor was anything like him.

"And the baby?'

"The baby is healthy and still in utero, which is what we want." He saw her release a visible sigh and found himself doing something very similar. Maybe it was April bringing these instinctivfe behaviours to mind. Whatever. Either way, at least the surgery went well.

"It's too little to be born, right?"

"It wouldn't be ideal. I-I need you to sign one more form for Dr. Russo's repair." Handing it to her, he quietly studied Tara. There was an arrogance about her that he knew all too well. The confidence of a person who had absolutely no one in their corner. If this job had taught him anything, it was the sheer magnitude of a person's strength. He'd learned it for himself in his own darkness, sure. But watching it become a part of someone else was fascinating.

"It seems like I was just here signing these for Jenny's last surgery," she sighed. "I just had a feeling. I said goodbye. I left for work. I was two blocks away and I had an awful, just sick feeling. I turned around, I drove home, and there she was—on the floor, blood everywhere. I just had a terrible feeling that something was really wrong." Instinct. He survived on that one alone his entire life. Over the years, he'd found habits he never thought would become a part of him. In the last year alone he became an unexpected father of sorts. As weird as it was, as out of place as it felt, there was something about it that felt natural too. But Tara was a real mother. She'd been given this job because she prepared for it. What she hadn't prepared for was any of this crap. And for that Alex wanted to apologize, even though it had nothing to do with him.

"It's a good thing you did." Giving her one final nod he turned back into the hall, steeling himself to deal with the bullheaded man on the other side of an OR door.

* * *

"No, over here. Right up against the bed." Despite herself April chuckled at the mother-daughter pair. She tried to keep her own demands to a minimum for Alex. He was already so easily irritated to begin with that she did everything she could to make her pregnancy as easy on him as possible. In just a few weeks it wouldn't be quite that simple but for now…

But as often as he tried to stay frustrated, it was only a second's flash across his eyes. After the briefest moment, he had no problem tending to her every need. He often claimed he needed a few seconds to wake up first and he was good. That became more and more obvious as days went on, a thought that made her smile as she tried not to cry. How she'd ever been given a friend like Alex Karev she would never know. After all of the terrible things she'd done to the people she loved, how in the world did he still care so much about her?

"God Mom. Just go home to sleep. This is so embarrassing I'm sorry. She's a nightmare." _She's a mother_ Alex thought. _Be lucky you got one_.

"That's right. I'm everybody's nightmare. Can I have another blanket please?"

"Sure." Watching the nurse hand Tara another blanket, April sighed. It was times like these when she missed her own mother so much. She couldn't even the last time they'd spoken. A small flutter against her abdomen reminded her that she had yet to even tell her parents about the baby. Since Samuel, she wanted to be absolutely certain…She made a mental note to call them the first few minutes she had. Within only a minute, she froze. What would they say about Alex? Would they like him? Would they even understand? Good Lord she hoped so. The man had saved her more than a hundred times, mainly from herself and her own insanity. Turning at the sight of a sweep of blonde hair, April sighed with a new sense of relief. Though she hid her stress well, at the very least her friend had come out of the hearing in one piece.

"Hey! How's everyone feeling? I hear you're sleeping over tonight."

"Thank god you're back. She's nicer to me when you're around." To that the peds surgeon gently laughed.

"Surgery went well?"

"Yeah. Russo did a plasma patch," Alex mumbled. Carefully eyeing April across the room, he noted the studious expression she wore, wondering where exactly her head was at now. She seemed to be eyeing Jenny and Tara with a new curiosity. Watching her hand gravitate to her belly, he blinked. Since he never really had a reason to celebrate it, Mother's Day kind of just came and went for him. But just because he neglected the day and all of the thanks that supposedly came with it, didn't mean that everybody else did. He made a mental note to bring that up with her later on. Just because he rarely heard about the Kepners didn't mean that they didn't mean the world to April. He could tell as much in just the way she handled their last few thanksgivings.

"Yeah, that's a good call. This baby needs more time. Okay listen, I'm sorry that I wasn't here for the surgery but I'll be checking in later, okay?" He could feel eyes boring into the back of his head while he followed Robbins out of the room. Why the hell hadn't either of them gone home yet?

"I told you. Kepner and I have Jenny handled. She's doing fine. The baby's good. Everyone's stable." Based on the mood she was in early this morning and how rundown she looked now, there was no question that the court visit drained her of all of her energy.

"Um, where's Russo? I need to look at a post-op ultrasound to make sure the leak is sealed." He had to bite his tongue to keep from saying that of course the leak was sealed. Why else would Jenny be in recovery? This was just Arizona double checking work that wasn't her own. Details that made her the only one like himself that he could tolerate working with. The last thing either of them ever wanted to do was screw chances for a kid.

"Should you be here? Shouldn't you be at home getting ready for court or something? Resting? Cause I hate to say it but you look like crap." Arizona rolled her eyes, lightly punching Alex in the arm. Though he barely cringed on impact, he still managed a light scowl.

"No. I shouldn't be here. I should be at home fixing my daughter ice cream and reading her 'Charlotte's Web'. So could you please page Russo so I can look at the ultrasounds and get the hell out of here?"

"Okay," he sighed raising his hands in resignation. One thing about chicks, in a lot of ways they were pretty much all the same. April was even worse when he dared to offer his own advice.

"Thank you." Feeling a hum in her coat pocket, April frowned. Her eyes widened with sudden realization when Jackson's name flashed across the screen. _Crap_. They'd agreed to dinner to talk out some details about the baby. Being swallowed up in Jenny's case she'd completely forgotten. Catching Alex by his elbow, she bit her lip when he finally turned to her.

"What?"

"I have dinner….With Jackson. He wants to…talk about the baby." She wasn't sure why the idea made her so nervous. Maybe part of it was waiting on an ugly reaction from Alex. But he just shrugged.

"Cool, whatever." He could tell by her expression that she was waiting for some kind of jealousy to spike. Besides being focused on Arizona's films, there wasn't much to be jealous _of_. Unless she'd planned on something completely different. "I'll see you when you get home then." Pulling lightly at a lock of her thick hair shaped a quiet smile across the redhead's face. That was the weird and wonderful thing about Alex. Any _real_ affection was saved for somewhere more private. Though the little things he did to show what couldn't be shown were just as if not more endearing.

* * *

"So, what were you thinking?" As much as they were settling into a new normal, the two had yet to be alone for more than a few minutes at a time. And that was at work between hours in the OR. They were coming up on a half hour of sitting alone in a candle-lit restaurant, alone. And it was going strangely…well.

"Okay um…When the baby's born—"

"Wow. Starting day 1, huh?" As wrong as it sounded, she wasn't expecting him to be _this_ attentive. Jackson awkwardly nodded. The moment as a whole made April smile, filling her with a hope that whatever the three of them became for this baby, it might actually have a chance at working out.

"I would like to be in the room for the birth. Um, so if that makes you uncomfortable—"

"No, not at all." What about any of that was supposed to make her uncomfortable? It might be slightly awkward like the ultrasound had been but nothing about it was _wrong._ It was actually exactly what she had hoped he would want.

"Really?" With the way he'd acted about the pregnancy overall, he was shocked to see her accept the first bullet point so quickly. At the same time, it was very much like April to do so. More than either of them—he blinked, realizing he'd somehow put Karev in the equation as well; quite possibly because at this point there was really no escaping the guy—she had such a passion for the concept of family. A virtue, a belief, whatever she wanted to call it that he often wished he had in regard to even just his mother.

"Yeah. Yeah, I want you there." One point down without fighting. That was…moderate progress.

"Okay, um…Well, when the baby's on a feeding schedule, whenever that happens, then I'm thinking weekends?" As much as he hated the idea that they weren't doing this together anymore, he had to remind himself that he had put them in this position in the first place. Sure having two parents under one roof would be easiest on the kid but when they were constantly yelling at each other…Well, he knew all too well what became of them.

"You don't want to split the week?"

"I do. Yes." Maybe this whole compromising thing could work after all. He'd come in expecting only a couple of days a week. Now knowing that she really hoped for an even split across the seven days, he was filled with an emotion he hadn't come across in a long time: hope. Not necessarily that things would go back to the way they were. Her being with Alex had kind of put a kink in that plan. But…their friendship was still repairable at least, if this dinner continued in the direction it was going now.

"But when the baby's older," she interjected, "we may need to switch to every other week. I read that it's just…"

"Easier on the child. Yeah, I-I read that too," he stammered. April was pleasantly surprised. He'd been very vocal about involvement but she never imagined he'd take the time to read through childcare advice. In general Jackson wasn't the best at listening to anybody really. Even if he was just doing this for the baby…The thought of which, sounded even nicer by comparison.

"But I want Easter. It's important to me. I go to church and you—"

"…worship the Easter Bunny." That made them both laugh a little. He didn't miss the light flush of her cheeks when his comment made her smile. Maybe he could be the reason…At least in fleeting moments. "Right. Now are we talking Easter egg hunts or just church?"

"Yeah of course there will be an Easter egg hunt." Despite her upbringing, her parents still believed in treating their daughters like children while they were in fact still children. She had every intention of doing the same for theirs, though why he would think otherwise made her wonder just how well he initially knew her in the first place.

"Alright, then. Easter is all yours." The grin on her face stayed shy but grateful. Even if he didn't completely embrace the idea, knowing how much it meant to her and his willing to acknowledge it in such a way was more than she expected.

"Uh, and you can have the super bowl and Halloween." Smaller mentions but if their baby was a boy, there was no telling what he would make of them.

"Mm, sure. Okay, now what about, um, Christmas?" Christmas. An even more meaningful holiday for her. But not everyone who celebrated Christmas necessarily believed in God. Despite where his own beliefs were, April knew that the holiday itself meant just as much to him, even if they weren't for the same reasons.

"We switch off," she said confidently. If she had to give up half of them to show their child all aspects and meanings of Christmas then so be it.

"We switch off," he agreed. "We uh, make a plan."

"We respect that plan. We don't fight."

"No, we don't fight," he whispered. Silence fell over them then as he fought his every nerve to keep from taking her hands across the table. Sure, it was all innocent but somehow, it still felt like an invasion of privacy that he had long ago violated.

* * *

"Come on Sofia honey. You had a really good time with her yesterday, okay?" Sofia flat out denied the idea. "Yes, you did. You built forts and it was really fun." Pulling her daughter out of bed this morning made Arizona wish she'd considered dentistry as a profession. At least then she would know how to pull in a less painful way. Sofia on her part barely said a word the whole ride over, making the blonde hate this entire process all the more.

"Morning! Come on in!" Robbins offered Amelia a strained smile when she appeared on the other side of the door. Noticing the effort, the neurosurgeon came up beside Sofia, ready to offer any worthy distraction.

"Hi! Here we go!" she said brightly, trying hard as hell to sound more excited than she felt. It was in that moment she wished she could go into the frat house _with_ her daughter and indulge in the naïve play of fort building. At least in there you had no recollection of the monstrous realities of the real world. She envied Sofia for that. At the same time, it only added to the little girl's frustration.

"I don't want to." _I'm not sure I want to either_ she thought. But court wasn't exactly a choice. She didn't elect to put them through this mess. But here they were, weeding through the jungle of confusion hoping to god for some kind of clarity.

"I'm sorry. It's been a really rough morning. She woke up really early and then she didn't have breakfast so—" Based on the look shared between the two adults, they both knew today's fight was over more than lack of a morning meal. The stress was mounting on both of them. The last few days caring for and shuttling the little girl back and forth made Amelia almost grateful to be something as simple as a neurosurgeon. Parenting was…Well that was something even years ago she knew the wasn't quite ready for, no matter how much she wished her own child had survived.

"That's okay. We will make waffles, or—"

"I'm going with you," Sofia said defiantly. The determination only broke Arizona's heart more. Like them the little girl only wished for some kind of answer to all of this senseless back and forth. _Soon enough pretty girl…Soon enough…_

"I—Oh, I can't. I can't. Mommy can't today. I'm running late, and you're here to play with Zola, but I will be back just as soon as I can." The broken expression on Sofia's face made every bit of this harder with each passing day.

"No."

"I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry. I love you." Even she knew it was a lame apology but what more could she say? They promised to sit her down when everything else came together in some kind of cohesive understanding. For now, they were all just being thrown around.

"I hate you." _I hate me too_

"Okay, let's go find Zola," Amelia sang, trying for some kind of enthusiasm. "She'll be fine." The last of it came out in a private whisper, making Arizona shake her head. Which part of any of this was supposed to be "fine"? She sure as hell wasn't. Until a decision was made, she wouldn't even try to be.

* * *

"Hey, how's Jenny doing?" April asked quietly coming up beside Alex.

"She did okay overnight, but her mean pressure is trending down. I don't like it." For the first time since their trail began, Alex could feel himself becoming slightly robotic. As much as he didn't want to be there to watch the guaranteed catfight, being surrounded by all of these moms made him wish he'd just taken the day. Just to see how things were actually going. April was bound and determined not to show up herself but if the call she managed to make to her own mom the night before said anything, she was definitely nervous about a lot more than just the health of her baby.

* * *

Dinner with Jackson had been a good two hours of lengthy silences and peaceful discussion. Despite how well it all went, she was apprehensive and equally frantic to get a hold of her own mother. She was still unsure about disclosing the truth about them but at this point, the baby was coming whether anybody was ready for it or not, an idea that made the mother to be happier than it should. Eyeing Alex across their bedroom, she wondered when would be the appropriate time to mention the fact that she was with a man, while carrying the child of another. Coming from a family so deeply rooted in "the right way to do things", there was no way they would just understand it. If they did, it would take time. Still, she quietly took his hand while she dialed the familiar number, leaning into him for as much courage as she seemed to need. Her mother picked up on the second ring, her excitement at the sound of her daughter's voice on the other end of the line making Alex cringe.

"Mama?"

"Oh my goodness! It's really you! Tell me something April Marie, what on God's green Earth made you think you could go this long without at least saying hello?" April frowned. Very rarely did either of her parents and even her sisters bring her middle name into conversation. And to think it had only been a month since their last phone call. A phone call that left out most of the reasons she seemed to be avoiding the majority of the population lately. _I lost my baby. I was a way for a year. I got a divorce. We're having another baby. I have a boyfriend._ None of those seemed like reasons that wouldn't get at least two paragraphs of preamble from her mother. Instead she claimed that work was exhausting (which it was).

"I'm so sorry it's been so long. Work has just been…"

"That's no excuse, April. It doesn't take much for you to pick up a phone to let us know you're alright. That you're alive," she chastised. The last few words made her cringe. One benefit to April's mom basically screaming in her ear, he could hear every word. Most of it made him chuckle. Other parts to freaked him out a little.

"I'm sorry. I'll be better about it. Things are finally starting to slow down so I should have more time…" she lied. Despite the lack of truth, she did intend to make more time for them. The minute they heard about the baby, there was a very good chance she wouldn't even be making the phone calls anymore. "Listen….I just….I called to let you know that uh….We're having a baby," she smiled, sudden tears springing to her eyes. Without realizing, she took hold of her boyfriend's hand, a smile almost as bright as hers coming across his face as well. Really most of it came from how happy _she_ was about the whole thing but whatever. They were having a baby.

April had to hold the phone from her ear for a good three minutes while her small home in Moline erupted in cheers. While they waited for the silence, she eyed him apologetically when he went to stand and probably walk away from this entire conversation.

"I'll.." he mouthed pointing in the general direction of the hallway. With a bit of a frown, she nodded.

"Oh sweetheart that's _wonderful_ news! When are you due?!" The sound of such familiar voices made her wish that she'd done this in a more organized manner. For a woman who thrived on everything being in its rightful place, this call had been entirely random and somewhat unexpected. She tried hard to ignore the tears she heard in her mother's words so as to avoid starting her own small flood. There was just so much she had to say. So much she had to explain to them. There was no way she could get it all out over the phone. Still, she sighed, doing the best she could to answer the onslaught of inquiry. _I really should have put all of this in a letter_. There was just something so…personal about a pen and paper.

* * *

"What does Russo say?" she mumbled.

"Russo says to watch and wait but I'm thinking about texting Arizona." As much as she said they could trust him, now Alex was even less sure than he was before. The doctor seemed to be floating in his own little world most of the time, completely unaware of what was going on around him. His whole "watch and wait" thing he was pretty sure had more to do with his desire for a nap in the next available on call room. He definitely looked old enough to need one in the middle of the day.

"Arizona doesn't have all the answers." Yes, she had the good ones but today as in days before, her head wasn't exactly in surgical mode. _Anyone facing the unpredictable outcome of a child's future would be._

'She has more answers than Russo. And you're just pissy because she fired you as a patient." April scowled. Losing her best friend as her OB had absolutely nothing to do with this. Sure she'd been hurt but upon further reflection, she was right. They could toe either side of the line and for too long had toed the line between the two relationships, convinced that they could find some kind of middle ground. The one Alex had recommended had been practicing fetal medicine for years. As much as she trusted Arizona, experience was what she went for, especially in this case.

"Shut up. She's got enough on her plate today. Okay, if Russo says watch and wait, I say we watch and wait. Any evidence of fetal distress on the monitor, just let me know, okay?" Alex rolled his lip in concentration. Today could not be over soon enough….

* * *

"And Dr. Torres and Sofia couldn't possibly be any closer," Meredith said. She had come as support for Callie, finally given the chance to speak two days later. Anything she could do to give anyone an answer. Because really, her own head was beginning to spin with the number of webs they weaved around each other in this room.

"So, you've seen the together frequently over the years."

"All the time. They went to the same daycare and now they're at the same school. Sofia's actually at my house right now."

"And what about Dr. Blake? In your estimation, how does she get along with Sofia?" She didn't exactly have a solid answer for _that_. For her Blake was simply known as the woman who couldn't save Derek. The resident. Not necessarily as Callie's girlfriend, no matter how long the two had been seeing each other.

"Great. Sofia loves Penny. She's a great kid like that. She's very open to new people as long as they're good people and Penny is a very good person." In her own defense, she only knew as much as Blake was willing to show. Around Callie and Sofia she seemed fine. In all other aspects, she wasn't sure what to think of her yet.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey." Meredith nodded silently, hands folded while she waited for the other lawyer and her questions.

"You mentioned that Sofia is at your house today, Dr. Grey."

"She is," the doctor confirmed.

"It must be nice for you and Dr. Torres to have daughters around the same age. And they get along, right?" Yes…Wasn't that the point?

"It is very nice. They love playing together."

"So, who's watching your daughters right now while you're here?"

"Their Aunt Amelia."

"You recently lost your husband. Is that correct?" Meredith stiffened upon mention of her late husband, swallowing hard before daring to answer.

"I did."

"My sincerest condolences." To her own ears they dind't sound all tht sincere but it was expected, she figured.

"Thank you."

"So, you're a single parent."

"I am."

"And Callie's a single parent." She barely managed to keep from rolling her eyes. For a population of people who were supposed to be exceptionally smart, they sure got repetitive.

"Is that a question, or—?"

"So you two must help each other out a lot—two single parents. Callie drops Sofia off at your place sometimes when she has to work or when she has plans, or when she needs the night off. Correct?" She had to bite back her laughter now. As respectable as these women were, they clearly had no concept of what it meant to be a mother.

"A 'night off'?" Being a mom isn't a job. We don't punch in and punch out. There are no nights off. We are both single parents. That's not a dirty word. But we do need help getting our kids to where they need to be with all of their limbs intact. So, we lean on each other. That's not a sign of weakness or bad parenting if that's where you're going with this. It takes a village and we have a village."

"Here in Seattle."

"What?"

"The village you just mentioned. The seamless support system these mothers built, this essential network. It's all here in Seattle. Sofia's friends and her school, her teachers—her home is here in Seattle. _That's_ what Sofia would be leaving. Is that what you're saying?"

"No, I was saying—"

"No further questions, Your Honour." And to think they played dirty in med school..

"Dr. Robbins was already a brilliant pediatric surgeon but since she's completed her fellowship, I've watched her turn into one of the most renowned fetal surgeons in the country. A child would be lucky to have her as a role model parent." From her seat in the front row, Arizona smiled. Her one reliable character witness. Richard would give her a solid standing for sure. Seeing as he was the only one to volunteer his support, there was no question he had something they could use in their favour.

"Dr. Webber, you work with Dr. Robbins—is that correct?"

'Uh, yes that's correct." Everyone in this room worked with Arizona. But for the sake of technicality….This entire process was really too much headache for the older man. Somehow the prospect of returning to his role as chief felt a lot less stressful. He would certainly shut up about how boring it was. At least the paperwork made sense.

"Would you say there's overlap between your specialties?"

"Yes, there is."

"So you two have gotten close over the years. Professionally." The blonde quietly cringed. There was only one way that line of questioning was going to go… The thought put a small knot in the woman's throat.

"We have. Yes." From then on, Arizona could only hope that her friend said the right things because anything that came after would just make the already sick feeling in her stomach worse. It didn't even matter that Meredith had accidently sided with them. Her "it takes a village" speech could lose merit in five minutes. That was how good these women were. When the room was called to a short recess, the doctor slammed her papers together in frustration, her head falling into her hands. It was a wonder their own daughter hadn't killed them yet.

* * *

"So Callie's okay slut shamming me now?" The idea that the court could take her time out with Richard and morph it into something…promiscuous (even though she herself saw no problem in exploring her various options in good company) was simply uncalled for. They both knew it would get ugly. She just never expected Callie and her lawyer to do most of the dealing.

"Don't let them rattle you." Right. Like that was suddenly so easy to do.

"They're making it sound like a working mom is a bad mom. I mean, we just lost in there, right? Cause they made me sound like I was a selfish, irresponsible, sex-crazed—"

"Arizona," Campbell warned.

"I don't—"

"Stop. You have your chance right now. They tried to rewrite the story. Now's your chance to set it straight. You need to get up there, tell them the truth. Judge Kane is smart. She'll know the truth when she hears it. You tell the truth and you will win this." She wanted to believe that. She really truly did. But she had come in here already several men down. Biology was not on her side either. And as screwed up as it was, biology almost always won out. _Almost always…_

* * *

"Dr. Robbins, you were with Dr. Torres before she was pregnant."

"Yes."

"Were you together when she was pregnant?"

"No."

"So her pregnancy was not an agreement you entered into together, correct?" No. She had been completely against the idea. She liked her life exactly as it was. To put a baby in the mix when they were both so focused on their careers was just unfair. Until it happened.

"No," she said simply

"It was an agreement she entered with Dr. Mark Sloan, correct?" Twisting nervously in her chair, the peds surgeon found herself sitting up taller now, trying with almost no success to ignore the tumble in her stomach.

"They agreed after the fact, but yes, Mark was Sofia's father. Callie and I were together. We were a couple before the pregnancy, and then after Sofia was conceived."

"So you became part of the parenting plan later, correct? Just to be clear, Dr. Sloan and Dr. Torres were Sofia's parents and then you came around." The surgeon had to bite back a ready snarl at the flippant wording of these women. They made every effort to twist their truths as tightly as her current nerves.

"No. I didn't "come around". I'm Sofia's mother. I legally adopted her."

"Her last names are Sloan and Torres" _Yes, and her middle name is Robbin…_

"I'm going to have to stop you before you continue, for your own sake. You're not going to imply that I'm any less Sofia's mother because we don't share the same DNA." This was the part that would leave her disgusted for days to come. No matter what happened to their daughter, to have her ability as a mother put into question in such a degrading way….Sure it was all part of the defense, all part of the job but that didn't make it anymore okay.

"Dr. Robbins, excuse me." _Yes, excuse you, bitch_

"Because that would be offensive. It would be offensive to anyone in the room who has an adopted child or is an adopted child and for you to say that—"

"Dr. Robbins—"

"I _chose_ to be Sofia's mother! It did not fall into my lap. There was a choice and I could stay or I could run, and I chose motherhood. And it was the best choice that I ever made." Any further thought she had to add to her small rant was cut short by the ring that sounded throughout the room. _Crap…_ "I'm—I'm—I'm so sorry. I'm a doctor, and I have to answer my phone, so I'm sorry. I'm—I'm so sorry. Thank you." Any chance she had at custody just went up in plume of smoke. All because of one phone call. An important one but still, just a phone call. Looking down to see just how important it was, her own heart stopped. _Jenny…_

"Somewhere more important to be?" _Yes, unfortunately I have to go save the lives of tiny humans now. Not that it's any of your concern._

"Actually, yes."

"Excuse me?" Callie's lawyer didn't even try and hide her surprise. An easy guess that she knew nothing of other obligations outside of this wooded room.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love my child, and I want her with me, but I know that no matter how this ends, she'll survive. She'll be healthy and safe and well taken care of and loved. Because…we are her mothers. But, there is a child at the hospital who will not survive unless I am there, so I have to—I have to—I have to go." _You came in with even less of a chance than the one you walk out on. Be happy about that._ She wasn't necessarily happy but it was all she had going for her right now. Small victories? Not so much. This felt more like a steal. And as promising as her case had gradually become, her commitment to her work had just destroyed any progress she might have made.

* * *

"Jenny, your BP's borderline low, but otherwise your cardiac evaluation is good."

"So, she's cleared for surgery," Warren mumbled.

"Surgery. What surgery?" Alex demanded already making lengthy strides over to their patient's bedside.

"What happened?" April came in close behind, leveling to some variation of relaxation with quiet effort. If this OB had taught her anything about himself it was that he loved the chance to cut. He made opportunities for himself out of virtually nothing. She wasn't a fetal expert but she sure as hell would fight until she couldn't anymore to ensure her child as health an arrival into the world as possible.

"Dr. Russo says we have to deliver," Tara replied. She seemed to be the most concerned with helping them understand where they were in this conversation. Since the very beginning ideas had been bouncing around endlessly. As a mother watching her daughter in pain, Tara could take no more of it. Yes, her grandchild would be born early but at the very least Jenny wouldn't have to be poked and prodded anymore. And with all of this new age technology, Jenny's baby had a fighting chance. Right?

"Jenny's still leaking amniotic fluid, which means we're out of time. We need to do a C-section, deliver this baby." With each word this doctor spoke Alex hated the idea of Robbins taking the day off more and more. He wasn't sure where he found the self-control but without it he would already be taking complete control of this ship, already sinking like the freaking Titanic thanks to Russo.

"Right now? I-It's too early, right?" That made for one more smart person in the room. How ironic that it was the fourteen year old. She'd spoken out of fear primarily but she was absolutely right. Getting this kid out now wouldn't do anybody any good.

"It's not ideal, but there may be no choice." Of course they had a choice. They _always_ had a choice. Russo was just a lousy doctor. After everything he'd seen today, he wondered how the guy was even still practicing. He'd been warned that the guy was old school but to lack a bit of common sense?

"Please don't. Not yet. I don't want my baby to die."

"Honey, everything is gonna be fine."

"Can I see you outside?" As the small group gathered outside of the room, the pediatric surgeon sighed. "If that baby comes out now—"

"It has to. The fetal heart rate's already showing decreased variability." Two minutes. Just two freaking minutes to get an opinion out over this guy is all he needed.

"Well, what can we do?" Despite being a doctor and doing everything she could to be professional, cases like this (especially now) hit the closest to home. As much as she wanted to see the baby come in healthy, the chance that it might not come in at all was more terrifying than the idea of the smallest fighting chance.

"I can deliver, then you do what you can for the baby." _You do what you can…_ Well, that just sounded plain awful.

"Look, it's hard to keep those babies alive. The odds suck. Compromised lungs, high risk of brain bleeds." Not exactly delicate in delivery but whatever. Out of the corner of his eye Alex could see April at least _trying_ to smile. Even if it didn't happen, the fact that they were halfway there counted for something. Especially after a day like today. She would never really be over the massive effort he always put in when it came to his patients. There was no question that his dedication was one of the first things to call her attention to him.

"It's the only option left. It's what we're doing." So much for democracy….

"So, I just lied to my daughter, and I will go back in there, and keep telling her that she'll be okay no matter what, but to do that, I need to know that you have done everything in your power to make this okay." The small group turned to the concerned mother wearing an array of various expressions, none of which looked promising at all. "Can you tell me that? Tell me that you have done everything you can to keep my baby and grandchild alive." _If we go with this guy, no guarantees_ Alex thought.

"Robbins wouldn't deliver," he muttered. Not that the older man seemed to care at all what he thought at this point.

"Do you have another option?" When nothing but silence followed, Russo nodded. "Then I'll see you in surgery." If he at least tried to hide his satisfaction, he wasn't doing a very good job o of it.

"Is Robbins an option?" Ben asked when the space finally cleared.

"No," he said, even while forming a very informative text in his head.

* * *

"I'm through the uterine wall. More suction please." Everything they had done to try and prolog the pregnancy. All that they had done to try and give this baby a decent chance at life was only moments from going to complete crap. Home and the couch seemed like one of the best solutions he'd come up with all day. No one could deny him that. With that in mind, he could only hope that April had been convincing enough to bring Arizona back into work, if only long enough to fix this gigantic mess made by "the next best thing".

"Vitals are holding." Seeing her out of the corner of his eye, Alex let out a heavy sigh of relief. Finally, someone who would actually listen to him. Finally someone with enough pull to tell the guy he was completely bonkers.

"Why isn't he stopping? Did you ask him to stop?" Of course he had. Debates like that had been the most "exciting" part of his day.

"Yes. But he's insisted on taking the baby out."

"Is he into the uterus?"

"Yes." _Shit_

"Well, did he cut the cord?"

"No, but he's close." He didn't exactly care if it was good judgment or not. From where he stood in the scrub room, the peds surgeon quietly flipped him off. Unnoticed by anyone but him but whatever. The guy was an ass.

"Tell him not to. Dammit!"

"I did. All freaking day I did. But nobody listened to me." Right now Arizona did not have time for Karev's short bitch fest. Her primary concern was that baby and its mother. When things were calmed down, when Jenny was closed up, then she'd get the story.

"Okay everyone. Change of plans. Dr. Russo, please stop what you're doing."

"Excuse me?" Alex smirked. Those seemed to be the doctor's favourite words. _At least he tries to be polite._

"Hi Tara. Hi Jenny. You're doing great, okay? Hey Karev," she mumbled,. Based on the little she'd heard, she couldn't trust her older collogue to understand much about saving a baby. At least not in this way.

"Cord's intact," Alex mumbled.

"Beautiful. Dr. Russo, I said stop. Now, please."

"Robbins, I've almost completed the C-section."

"But you won't be finishing it."

"Someone tell me what's going on right now." So much had been going on at once that almost everyone in the room forgot that Russo had called on a midwife. For a birth that was no longer going to be happening. When it seemed no one was in the frame of mind to give her an answer, the nurse quietly ducked out of the room fuming in quiet frustration.

"Um, Tara and Jenny, I'm going to put that baby back in there so it can cook a little bit more. How's that sound to you?" Great. Fantastic. Exactly what everybody wanted. Well, except for the dinosaur who had just stomped out of the OR.

"You can do that?"

"It's not too late?"

"It _is_ too late. She's already lost most of the amniotic fluid. There's not enough left." _Or not…_ If he hadn't thrown a fit yet, he was definitely about to do just that. As much as Alex wanted to see him blow, keeping this baby inside too much of everyone's attention.

"I'm going to fill the depleted uterus with Lactated Ringers, and the baby's gonna be fine. Warren, how's she doing?" Not that either mother knew what those were. But if it kept Jenny pregnant longer, it didn't matter all that much.

"Pressure's holding steady, but we should hurry."

"Mom, I need your consent."

"Dr. Robbins can give the baby more time," April translated quietly. Yes time. More time. The baby needed more time. They _all_ needed more time.

"Every additional week this baby stays inside, the better chances of its survival," Alex added.

"Mom?"

"We trust Dr. Robbins."

"Okay uh, Dr. Russo thank you for your help. Please scrub out." The older man nearly ripped off his gloves and gown, a scowl thicker than Alex's hairline coming across his face. The surgeon could only chuckle quietly to himself. He and April would have a lot to laugh about tonight. If she didn't suddenly become paranoid or whatever.

"Unbelievable."

"Okay Jenny. We're gonna put you out for now, alright?" As frightening as that was, the teen managed a slight nod.

"Tara, you wanna say hi to your grandbaby?"

"What is it?" Jenny asked, fighting the natural urge to crane her neck from where she lay on the table.

"It's a girl. You have a daughter."

"Is she pretty?" _Without question._

"She's beautiful. She looks just like you did." As terrified as the older woman was that her baby was weeks from having a baby of her own, seeing her like that seemed to bring on a completely different reality. This baby was coming. Whether they were ready for it or not, this child was coming into the world. And it would be up to her daughter to put her on a decent path, despite still walking her own. The whole idea put a thick bubble in Tara's throat.

"Okay. We need to say goodbye to her now."

"Goodbye for now," Tara smiled.

"Goodbye little girl," Robbins whispered. And along with those words came the sinking feeling that she wasn't just talking to Jenny's unborn baby.

* * *

"No matter what the judge decides, I know that you're a good mom, too. And I just want you to know that doesn't change that." Arizona all but rolled her eyes. Callie sure pulled all the stops to prove otherwise. She'd played dirtier than the blonde ever expected from a woman she once promised to spend the rest of her life with.

"The things that you let them say about me—I would never have done that to you. Never." And on that little bit of pride alone, whatever happened today, she could walk away with that. The knowing that she didn't have to sink so ridiculously low, even if she lost. Today she would walk away with some variation of pride.

"I'm sorry, the judge is ready for you." For the first time in weeks, the presence of Callie's girlfriend didn't make her angry. Based on everything she'd learned today, if they really wanted it to work between them, they were actually kind of perfect for each other. No matter what they were, there was no way Arizona could handle being around someone so vindictive and toxic, even if it was all for the sake of show.

"All rise and come to order. Honourable judge Madeline Kane presiding." It took everything in her not to sit on her own hands while they waited impatiently for the verdict. In only moments she would either be hugging her daughter goodbye or finding a way to bring in her own small village.

"Please be seated. I've taken all testimony and evidence in this matter under submission. And after careful consideration, my ruling is as follows. I hereby grant sole physical custody of Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres to…" When her own name fell from the woman's mouth, the surgeon sat in absolute shock. As happy as she was to have one, there was a sudden sadness that took her by surprise as well. She had won. And yet….This felt very much like losing. Because no matter what the outcome someone had to be around to explain the flood of change in Sofia's life. And all too suddenly, Arizona had become a reluctant volunteer. Biting through her lip, she sent a joint text to both Alex and April as well as Richard. She knew that Callie would be flooding the others with her own river of emotions in only a few minutes.

* * *

"Oh. Have you heard anything?

"No, not yet," Alex mumbled.

"Robbins said she'd text us as soon as the judge decided."

"Torres too."

"This sucks." As much as they all wanted this entire thing to be over, there was still so much uncertainty to follow. A confused six year old would walk among them soon enough, wondering why the hell her moms were so mad at each other. In no time at all she would notice how sad they were. She would blame herself for days, weeks, maybe even months before any of it made any sense. And Alex, along with various others would be watching it all. When his phone finally buzzed in his pocket, he fumbled for it frantically, almost dropping it face down on the hospital floor. "Shit!"

 _I won…_ he read. This would be one of few times he held back congratulations. There was nothing exciting about an outcome like this, no matter how expected it was. The wave of April's soft shampoo came up beside him, quietly washing away any stray thoughts he may have had floating around in his head. As she approached, he had to compose himself as he pulled her against him, his hand resting comfortably on her now obvious bump. He wasn't even sure what came over him in that moment. She was carrying Avery's kid, not his. What right did he have to be so protective and possessive of it? _Because it's a part of April. And any part of April is worth protecting with all that you've got._ The sudden realization left him at least moderately shell-shocked. Since when had he thought so much of Kepner?

"Hi," she whispered, a soft sigh blowing along the side of his neck.

"Hey…So…I'm thinking we might just…I dunnno."

"Night in?"

"As lame as it sounds…"

"I think that's exactly what we need. Nothing too exciting. I think I've had my fill of excitement for the next little while," her own hand coming to rest on the baby as it fluttered inside of her. Taking her hand quietly, he led her out into the lot. Before turning the engine, he let them both become engulfed in the sudden darkness.

"April…"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for not…you know, not dying and stuff." Tucked into the passenger seat, she tried not to give off a small gasp of the sudden shock she felt. Not dying? She hadn't… All at once the conversation from the night before visited her once more.

"Does this mean you'll finally stop bugging me about how much I talk?" she teased.

"No."

"I figured."

"Cause really…Your big mouth kinda saved my life…" he mumbled. Admitting something so private in absolute darkness seemed to be the only way anything too personal ever came out of him. Streetlights were dim enough that they hardly seemed to break through the surrounding black.

"I'm sorry, I don't—"

"Nevermind."

"Alex…If you have something to say…" she whispered.

"It's nothing…Just…Glad you're here, okay?" Despite her swirling curiosity, the woman quietly nodded, squeezing her boyfriend's hand much harder than she'd meant to.

"I'm glad you're here too…" April had to wonder if he even knew the various ways he'd unintentionally come in to save her. If he did he made no real indication that he knew. Instead, he went on as normal, content enough with the simpler side of life. Perhaps because it was all he knew. Maybe because he didn't know how to reach for anything more. An even bigger part of her hoped that he had what he had and relished in it simply on the idea that he had anything like it at all. Knowing how little he had growing up, the latter seemed the most likely option. As sad as it made her to think about Alex in that stage of his life, she was equally grateful too. Because even though he hardly said it. Even though the word barely fit in his mouth, Alex gave thanks where he could, how he could, and when he could. It didn't matter to her how he went about it. It was enough that he took the time to do it at all, even if it came in the shape of a quiet confession to the person it was meant for. Taking his hand quietly, she guided it to the soft flutter in her lower belly and smiled. The lump that rose in his throat came unexpectedly. He'd felt the baby move a thousand times. But this...This was different. How? He still wasn't entirely sure. All that mattered now was that it did. It felt different.

* * *

 **A/N: There we go! Please feel free to leave them below :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So...Out of nowhere, an Edwards muse appears. Let's see if she stays to play.**

 **Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

Despite the topic of conversation a few nights before, Jackson felt oddly at ease now that they had figured out some kind of plan. It wasn't ideal by any means but at least for the moment they weren't fighting to be heard over each other. Knowing how intense their arguments could get, there was no question one would surface from time to time but they were getting somewhere. They weren't exactly moving quickly but it was enough of a starting point to leave the plastic surgeon satisfied.

"Catherine's back in town next week." Jackson still, mention of his mother making his throat dry up. "Thought it'd be nice to have some people over." He bit his lip quietly, trying not to shake his head. If there was one he'd learned since becoming a part of this hospital it was that having people over was hardly ever categorized as "nice", especially where Catherine Avery was concerned. For him at least there was a permanent tension that never really subsided. "Well, nothing fancy—just dinner. Who's in?" Even while knowing at least his agreement was guaranteed, the doctor found his lips glued tightly shut. "You know, that's a fine idea, Dr. Webber." Though he hadn't meant to, Jackson let his eyes roll.

For the longest time Richard's marriage to his mother and the logic behind it was lost to him. Now, he couldn't help noticing at least hints of it. Both could be incredibly…persuasive. Catherine made no secret of her ability but he wasn't all that sure if the former chief saw hints of that in himself.

"Oh sorry. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. Thanks." An answer out of pure obligation. Such was the outcome with almost anything that had his mother's name on it somewhere.

"Okay. Avery said yes. Uh, how about you?" He couldn't quite make out Bailey's expression but he could tell from the way she held her shoulders that this was an early morning conversation nobody wanted to be having. Then again, everything big seemed to take place behind elevator doors here.

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Okay."

"I'm not sure about Dr. Warren's schedule, though." Always so passive aggressive. That characteristic alone was at least one of the many qualities that got her elected as chief of surgery. The smirk that crawled across his lips was slight. Since being given the new title, there was a confidence in Miranda that he couldn't help admiring. All the same it spelled a number of problems for Ben. The entire hospital was placed front and centre while the wounds in their relationship unraveled.

"Okay. Um, Warren?" Was this what it was like? Jackson's eyes dared as he fought to find a way out. Taking the stairs was good. He would get in his morning exercise and avoid…the smog. Was the cloud of trouble so thick around him and April that it seemed to back everyone else within ten feet of them into a corner?

"Uh, yeah, I'm in."

"Alright." A small laugh battled to stay compressed in his throat. An older guy like him didn't really see a lot in the way of excitement. He figured that this was the best Richard was going to get for the next little while.

"Uh, what can I bring?"

"Um, I wouldn't say no to that artichoke dip you brought to the resident mixer." Standing behind them let the surgeon take in the shorter woman's rigid posture, a stance that lasted all of two seconds before she found her determination again. Their fight still didn't make one bit of sense. Warren jumped the gun and got himself kicked out of the program. Temporarily of course but it would still throw him way behind the others. It was well-rounded punishment in his book. And technically he still stayed away from it at a respectful distance. Did she really expect him to sit at home for half of the year and do nothing? According to her silence, the answer was yes. For Bailey, it was the only reasoning that was worth any value. Her answers and no one else's. Those words echoing in his head stopped him cold. That sounded far too much like someone else he knew.

"Well, that's uh—that's Miranda's secret recipe," he mumbled.

"Okay. I see."

"I'll bring it," she muttered, her words once again proving that if whatever they were dealing with was going to go anywhere, somebody had to crack and Miranda Bailey was determined to wait as long as she had to, to watch her husband grovel. It was all just kind of stupid. At least when he and April were fighting it was with good reason. This was just…stubbornness..

"Should be a great party." Behind them, Jackson nodded slowly. Just like almost everything else shared between them, his own definition of "fun" was obviously something very different.

* * *

This was always the lighter side of his work as a surgeon. When he could come back to a patient with a clean bill of health because nothing was wrong in the first place, the sense of panic that came over him went into hiding. It wasn't that Alex had no idea what he was doing. He was nothing but prepared. Why else would he be this far into his surgical career? No, the gnawing at the pit of his stomach usually came as a result of picturing his own family on the table for one reason or another and having his hands completely tied, even if he knew exactly what to do to fix it. Nash though was a lucky kid.

"X-rays came back clear. No breaks. We got lucky, Nash. So listen to your grandma the next time she tells you not to climb the bookshelves, okay?" The boy barely nodded. "Alright."

"Thank you, doctor. You have been so good with him today, so patient, and I can't help but notice, I don't see a ring on your finger." Alex pursed his lips, smoothing it out before meeting the older woman's gaze. If there was one thing he'd figured out about old people it was how blunt they often were.

"Excuse me?"

"You should meet my daughter—Nash's mom." _Um, no._ "Not the sharpest tack, but really sweet, really pretty." Definitely no. He'd made his rounds with sweet and pretty. One in ten had a decently sized brain in her head but for the most part it was all about how good they were with their mouths.

"Ma'am, I appreciate the offer, but I'm with someone already." That felt strangely….good to say. Natural even. He still couldn't quite figure April out. They still went at each other over stupid things. Sometimes really stupid things. But at the end of the day, Kepner was…warmer, more accepting of his crap than Jo had ever been. Some of it was weird but for the most part, it was nice. For one, she didn't hate Meredith. Two, she had no problem staying at the frat house. He doubted it was because they had all already lived there once before. April came from this warm and loving family he still knew so little about. His was not exactly what one would call "warm" but they were his people. And for once, he didn't feel like a football coach trying to keep the two teams from killing each other.

"Oh, are you engaged?"

"Uh, no." He still couldn't quite get a handle on what to call them but engaged was _not_ one of them. Not for a _long_ time. Knowing Kepner, it would come up at some point though, the idea not quite as terrifying as it used to be.

"Are you getting engaged?"

"Uh, well, I—"

"Her number's in that chart. I'll tell her to expect your call." Glancing down a the chart in his hand, he could just make out a number and address. Nodding slowly, Alex glanced back up again, barely whispering an appeasing 'okay' before ducking out of the room.

"Hey." Catching Meredith out of the corner of his eye he noted that at the very least she looked to be in a decent mood. How quickly that could change was always up for debate.

"I think Grandma over there just arranged my marriage to her daughter." Next to him his friend let out a melodic chuckle, not at all surprised. Alex seemed to collect fans of all ages but she found the older population taking interest in him to be the most amusing. Whether or not the woman intended to marry him off to her daughter, there was no doubt she'd gotten something out of the brief exchange for herself.

"Well, there must be something in the air, because Amelia and Owen are talking about getting married too." The peds surgeon blinked. Since when did those two ever entertain the idea of marriage? Shepherd was as much a commitmentphobe as he used to be, especially where Owen was concerned. The fact that they were going strong after a few weeks had to be a surprise to almost anyone. For Meredith he just shrugged. Whatever. Not his relationship, not his to judge. "Hey, maybe you guys could have a double wedding. Then I would only have to live through it once." IN response he just rolled his eyes.

"Help! Please! Someone help!" By now screams like that were encoded in their blood. Without so much thought, both he and Meredith took off at a sprint, the former wondering how the hell the guy had managed to sling a kid over his shoulder like that amongst all the chaos. "It's okay, buddy. I got you."

"Woah, okay what happened?"

"He passed out, came to, and then passed out again." Nice. Real nice.

"Okay, let's get him down here. Is this your son, sir?"

"Uh, no, I'm his driver's ed teacher." Karev was barely able to hold back a short chuckle as he headed for the parking lot. Teenager passed out at the wheel. That wasn't something you saw every day. At least not for that specific reason. Usually, things were a lot bloodier than that. Making his way out into the lot, it didn't take long for him to spot the nose of a parked car shoved into the concrete wall. _Classic_.

"Hey, I got it. Running for the passenger side door, he quickly poked his head through the open window. "Hey there. You okay?"

"Can I—Can I park here?" Did they really have a choice?

* * *

No matter how many times she tried to tell herself not to, the worry that plagued Stephanie Edwards was not going to go quietly. Despite having walked away from it already, the image of Kyle laid up in the automatic bed was one she'd hoped to never see again. And here she was trying to shake it. Again. Approaching Jo at the nurse's desk, she had to fight from keeping a steady eye on his window.

"Quit hovering and just go in there and talk to him." Like she hadn't already tried that. As many times as she'd rehearsed it, she still couldn't find the words meant to comfort him here. Outside of the hospital she could do that no problem. She could spend hours grooming his already severely inflated ego. Because the thing about Kyle was that it hadn't reached its size by feeding on pure arrogance. This man poured the charm and self-assurance onto anyone who had the time to play along. Weeks ago, she had. Weeks ago, it had been her job. Letting it become more than that had been her first mistake.

"He has made it very clear, he doesn't want me anywhere near him. So no." As sure as she was about how to handle his sudden reappearance, the words came out with measured struggle. Not because she couldn't comply but because she realized now that leaving him the written explanation hadn't been the best idea. Looking at him now, her stomach in more knots than she ever thought possible, it was probably one of her biggest errors in judgment to date. All she could do now was hope that things would take a turn. For him. And maybe even for them. But that wasn't her choice to make. "Does she have him on fluconazole in case it's fungal?" she asked, knowing full-well it wasn't her place to be asking. Stubborn curiosity didn't seem to care.

"You do realize that Kyle can see you? It's not one way glass." Swiftly, she turned to face her friend, making sure that nothing but her back was given to the wide area of glass. Across from her Jo sighed, quietly sliding the electronic chart toward her.

"Thank you," she mumbled, grateful for the light squeeze given before her friend continued down the hall. After glancing through his chart to check for anything glaringly obvious, she caught sight of the empty bed out of the corner of her eye. Hurrying through the door, her chest constricted when she realized that it wasn't just imagined. "Kyle?" The call was met with virtual silence, save for the soft throb in her own chest. Noting the open bathroom door, Stephanie froze. "Oh god," she mumbled hurrying over to him.

"I'm fine," Kyle muttered. With a hand slung over the toilet bowl and his three remaining limbs splayed out across the floor, he looked anything but fine.

"Are you okay?" A bit of a stupid question on her part but the words tumbled out regardless.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything just…started spinning." Now that she could see him up closer, her former boyfriend was stupidly pale. The pain etched in his face was minimal, though she didn't have to be a doctor to know how much of it was still there under the surface. All she had to be was human.

Seeing him laid out on the floor like he was brought back the sickening feeling breaking up with him was supposed to wash away. Not too long ago, she was him, curled up into herself while she tried to rid herself of the poison they had put in her body. Like him, this was the last place she always wanted to be. And yet, it didn't take long for her mother not to care. Because "it was good for her". The only real difference was that her friends would do everything they could to _fix_ him based on protocols that already existed.

"The—The nausea's probably because of the antibiotics. Uh, I'll get Dr. Shepherd to get you an antiemetic." It was guaranteed that her superior would even listen to her but she had to try something.

"Why don't you just go?" he said bitterly, exhaustion laced in every inch of his anger.

"Take that," she said flatly, slow but sure as she placed the cup of water beside him.

"I didn't need help. And I definitely don't want an audience for this." True that she was looking to help him but Stephanie couldn't think of anything else that might ease the quiet ache in her chest. This was the kind of thing she'd spent half her life in school for. Helping people was the only thing that made all of her own pains bearable. Finding answers for Kyle would hopefully bring the resident some answers to questions she dared not to touch just yet. Seeing him so shrunken in size made her want to burn that note left for him while he slept. Yes he had family. Everybody did. What spoke to her was the shame she saw shining in his eyes, remembering how many beatings her own pride had gotten as a child.

"Then um, let's pretend that you're puking for some other reason then. Like, um, after a show or something. Too many whisky shots, you know? Fun puking." If he had the strength, Kyle would turn and snap at her. In this moment, he could only close his eyes and hope that when they opened again, she would be gone. He couldn't exactly be the one to run from her. Lately, he hadn't been able to run at all, let alone put distance between himself and his source of heartache. The sheer willpower needed to pretend that he didn't notice her concern was more than he knew he had. She was a doctor. She was required to care. Because being a sick man's girlfriend was just too hard. And really, who could blame her? Ghostly and close to dying wasn't sexy at all.

"You're not hearing me. I don't need any help from you." As much as he wanted her to find her own way out, her general presence was a bittersweet comfort. If he had it in him to keep from looking her in the eye, being in the company of a second body wouldn't hurt as much. From here, Stephanie was just another person, another doctor paid more money than he had to his name to make sure he didn't die. With his back turned, she was absolutely nothing special. With his back turned, she didn't have the ability to wash over him in ways that made her the only thing on the planet worth caring about.

"Look, I understand if you don't want to deal with me, but you are gonna need somebody. Does your friends, do your family know that you're here?" No they didn't and there was damn good reason for that. His mother would never stop nagging and his sister had this way of talking that sometimes went right through his skull.

"That's none of your business, alright? I'm not your business anymore." No matter how liberating those words were supposed to feel, they did nothing but make Stephanie's heart hurt. He spoke like she was doing everything she could to throw him away. Swallowing hard, she realized in a twisted way she was. She couldn't stand the thought of watching someone she cared about suffer in their pains while she hung back, unable to do anything about it. But to paint himself a burden? That was more than she could handle. Because he wasn't. He was anything but a chore.

"Okay. But you're gonna need someone. Dr. Shepherd took out your implant. Your tremor is gonna come back." Those words, more than almost any others were impossible to put her lips around. When they first met, she played a key role in giving him his hand back. There wasn't a lot of medicine involved in getting him to keep talking but that hardly seemed to matter now. The small machine meant to steady his hand had been taken out, putting him right back at square one.

"No kidding," he muttered sarcastically, extending his hand to show her just how quickly the effects had worn off. Watching his hands as they shook put an impossible knot in his throat. It was no wonder she didn't want him. The "magical cure" had done nothing for him. He might as well be an old man plagued with Parkinson's Disease. It may not be spread throughout his entire body but watching it rob him of his hands, his passion was worse.

"Kyle, I'm sorry," she mumbled lacing the few words she had for him with as much sympathy as she could pull together. Her own history said he wouldn't by a word of it. Judging by the resignation in his eyes, she was right. Even so, those seemed to be the only words she could say with an even tone.

"I'm gonna puke again…now. How about you just go?" At first, she hesitated trying to find a level of reasoning he could believe. "Go. Go!"

"I'm g—I'm going,"" she said quietly, pushing herself up from the floor. Turning to leave, she leafed through a few choice words, trying them on for size in her head. If she could just… Sighing softly, she shook her head. She didn't have a right to care. Not anymore. She'd thrown away the privilege as soon as she signed the letter, used to speak for her because she was too much of a coward to let herself feel anything more than the cool edge of a scalpel.

* * *

"Dad, Dad, I may have brushed against the wall, but—" Alex rolled his eyes. The kid had done a whole lot more than brush it. Based on the hairline fractures he'd seen in the brick, he pretty much gave the hospital an intense fist bump.

"Good news, Arvin. I see no signs of anything. You're doing just fine." He sensed the rise in his voice, meant as more of an indication that he was being blatantly ignored.

"And the doctor says I'm fine. Yeah. The doctor." The peds surgeon shrugged. In the process he somehow managed to give the worried father some kind of update on his son's current condition. Whatever. One less conversation he had to have later.

"Well, it—it was the wall of the hospital, but d-didn't I say that?" _No_. The teenager expertly avoided the minor detail. Alex could care less. As a kid, he'd done a whole lot worse and unlike this guy, he couldn't just waltz into a hospital and get patched up. Stupid kids were stupid kids. The planet was billions of years old and regardless of change in technology and custom across the world, lack of common sense seemed to be a comfortable constant.

"Tell him that Rhys had a medical emergency." Mention of the other patient turned the doctor's eyes up. Nobody passed out cold because of strep throat. There was more to it than that. They just hadn't found it yet.

"It's strep throat. That's not an emergency."

"Strep throat shouldn't cause you to faint. Are you on antibiotics?" Meredith asked putting on a fresh pair of gloves.

"Yeah, for two days. I'm fine." The general surgeon had to bite back a sigh. Such a stubbornly male thing to say. The most popular of cop outs in history. For women it translated to a number of things they were trying to hide. For men it was a show of strength and wellness that wasn't always there.

"But still, open up." As expected the teen deliberately refused.

"You passed out in a car. You know how dangerous that is on the road?" Rhys quietly glared at his instructor. The last thing he needed right now was a dad speech. Just because the dude was screwing his mom didn't mean he had a right to lecture him on stupid crap. Of course he knew how dangerous it was. Anyone with a quarter of a brain knew it was.

"I wasn't even driving! It was Arvin!"

"Has he passed out before?" Alex mumbled. If he wasn't going to get a full history out of the teacher, at least they could take something from knowing how frequently he blacked out.

"I don't know. His mother would kill me if I let something happen to him." Behind them, Alex smirked. He talked like he did a whole lot more than teach them the difference between a red light and a green light.

"Aw, please don't talk about her." There it was. All the proof Alex needed to realize that this wasn't just any old story.

"It looks like Rhys has a peritonsilar abscess. I do need to drain it." Meredith slowly nodded, only a fraction of apology in her eyes when she noticed how wide her patient's had gotten.

"Oh, no, no, you're not sticking that thing down my throat." When his entire body went rigid at the sight of the needle, the doctor waited on the edge of her own frustration. The faster they could get this over with, the faster he and his friend could go home and tell the supposedly "epic" tale of how they barely escaped broken bones.

"Hey, hey, Rhys buddy, it's okay. I'm here, alright? It's like I told you, I want you to think of me as a father." Those last few words made both Alex and Meredith grimace. While it might be a comfort to a six or seven year old, hearing that at 15 just made the older man look ridiculous and desperate.

"Why? All my mom ever talks about is when she's gonna break up with you.." _Ouch…_ Whatever put the wheels in motion on this relationship was only moments from coming to a complete stop. It wasn't so much a problem that the kid seemed to know more than his teacher in that regard. The real turning point was the look of surprise on the instructor's face. Clearly he hadn't seen this coming at all.

"What?"

"Hold on. Your mom's doing our driver's ed teacher?" If he didn't have the doctor waving a giant needle in his face, Rhys would have let free the snarl meant for his friend in the other bed. Not only was that at least a dozen different variations of embarrassment but he knew his buddy wouldn't be able to shut up about it. It was really the only way they could afford to pay off his driving lessons. His mom wasn't stupid enough to pay him off with sex (just the thought made him want to rip his own eyes out) but somewhere between dinner and a movie, he managed to swing them a deal. Almost as though he'd called on her telepathically, his frantic mother was suddenly at his side.

"I came as soon as I got the message. Rhys honey are you okay?" How many freaking times would he have to answer that?

"Yeah, I'm fine." He wasn't bleeding from a hole in his head, his arm hadn't come off. Besides being a little tired and taking a five minute nap at the wheel, there was _nothing_ wrong.

"No, he's not okay, and neither am I." Jesus Christ. No wonder he couldn't get anything better than teaching driver's ed. The guy was a complete dumbass. "You told him that you want to break up with me? Is that true?" Now, more than ever Rhys could see why. Not that he hadn't warned his mother of the disaster it was going to be from day one. At least she'd learned.

"You told him?" Darting his eyes between the countless faces, the teenager eagerly opened his mouth, sticking his tongue out in wait for the threatening needle to stab him in the face.

"This is way better than our last driver's ed class."

"Ready? Here we go."

* * *

Today was all in all a relatively lax day. Despite coming in for her regular shift, trauma seemed to be taking the day off. There had been a handful of minor cases but nothing that demanded complete attention, a development that would please both Jackson and Alex. Being able to think about both men within the same headspace made the redhead smile. They didn't look to be on the track to becoming best friends (She wasn't exactly holding her breath about that happening at all) but they could coexist. Even if the show was only for her, it was enough for now.

"Ooh." Turning her attention to Arizona's quiet acknowledgement, April found herself prepared to leave at a moment's notice. Even before their court appearance, the divorced couple seemed to tear each other apart with gazes alone.

"Be nice," she warned taking a sip of her decaffeinated tea. Seeing as the wounds were still painfully fresh, there was no way the civility was going to last. If it went on for at least a couple of minutes, she would consider that moderate progress.

"I know. But god, she put me through hell." April nodded. In a way, Callie had put this entire hospital on edge, trying to get each of them to side with one or the other. Beyond having a patient on the day of the hearing, it was all too much for her to be a part of. Luckily she and Jackson were able to avoid a judge all together but that didn't mean that preparing for one didn't physically tear her apart. She was in a better place now. She was happy, comfortable and somewhat confident. A far cry from the woman who left Seattle a year before. To be honest, she wasn't even sure she could admit to being the same person from a week ago. In small and seemingly unnoticeable ways, Alex was constantly helping her grow into her own skin.

"I know, and you won. You can afford to be magnanimous." Arizona looked at her skeptically. There was no question she was trying to be the bigger person. Since winning sole custody of Sofia she had a hand at being at least a little bit forgiving but if that came at all it wasn't going to happen overnight. Callie had made the decision all on her own. She was going to move to New York and there was nothing anyone could do about it. She was going to go be with her girlfriend and that was the end of it. Arizona hadn't been given an inch of room to offer input of any kind. As a reward for being dragged around, she had been awarded sole custody of their daughter. At least for a little while she would enjoy the little bit of power she'd been given.

"Hey guys. Well, I uh, was wondering if, um…I've had a surgery come up later this week, and so I wanted to ask if I could please have Sofia Tuesday night instead of Thursday." The blonde blinked. For the first time since meeting her all those years ago, her ex's nerves had nothing to do with finding her attractive. This was hesitation Arizona fought within herself for years. Between Callie and Mark, finding her own role in Sofia's life was a bigger challenge than she ever thought she would have to face. Now that the shoe was finally on the other foot, the Latina looked almost afraid.

"Um, so if I allow you to have Sofia on Tuesday, then in exchange I will have her Friday?" To her own ears that sounded like a perfectly good compromise.

"Yeah, sure. If that's what you want." None of this was about what she wanted. It wasn't even about what Callie wanted. All of this was for Sofia. Written rules that grown adults refused to follow until they were forced to. All in the interest of offering the little girl some kind of security.

"Great. Okay, then I will make that work."

"Thank you." The surgeon nodded slowly biting her lip to keep the smile off her face. Whether or not sue was forced to see it her way didn't really matter. The important thing was that Callie would now come to understand how she felt for the first six years of her daughter's life.

"She's gone. I'd lose the crazed smile before you start cramping." She hadn't even realized how much the expression had spread across her face until April said something. The arrangement itself she hated. The rules she absolutely despised. But knowing that she finally had a voice in all of this is what really made any of it bearable.

* * *

"I am concerned about Kyle. You know, he's still septic. His cultures are showing possible fungus. He's also complaining of neck stiffness." Her words may have come out with poise but inside Stephanie was quietly stirring and confused. Kyle started out as her patient. A couple of dates had changed the status of their relationship completely. As much as she had tried to revert the process, she was still allowed nowhere near him. She was neither his doctor or his friend but the reality of his condition allowed her to shove all of that aside. Whether or not Amelia bothered with anything she had to say was another story entirely.

"Why are you talking to me about this?"

"You operated three days ago. Why isn't he recovering?" Hearing her own words bounce back, she realized exactly which tone she'd taken. As much as she was trying to come off as a doctor, her insistence made her sound every bit the concerned girlfriend she should have been. Now, she was nothing, forced to watch from the sidelines as everyone but her tried to save him.

"No. You are off this case. You are not on my service today. Why are you talking to me about this?" _Because I'm a doctor. Because I know his case. Because I have ideas that might work._

"Are you sure the infection isn't because of the second lead you placed—the one you had to convince us to get?" The scowl on her superior's face told her that she'd chosen the wrong words. In another time and place she would try and find an apology. Today, she couldn't be bothered.

"Him—the one I convinced _him_ to get because _he_ is my patient, not you." Yes, Dr. Shepherd had made that painfully clear. But couldn't she at least play the part of a concerned human being? She had enough medical knowledge to offer a sound opinion. Shouldn't that couldn't for something?

"I am just concerned."

"And if you were the patient's family, I would want to assuage those concerns, but you are not his family nor friend right now. He developed a complication. Complications happen, Edwards. We deal with them every day. Today is no different." But it was. Today was different. Today, it was about Kyle. Someone who took her by the heartstrings on nothing more than charm and a unique sense of humour. The invisible line at his door almost smacked her in the face. Watching the neurosurgeon step into the room, she hung back trying hard to make herself invisible in an attempt to watch him in secret.

"White count is trending down, wound is clean, but his temp is still a little high." Good. At least he was with Jo. Despite the countless fights the two had tangled themselves up in over the years, she could trust Wilson to do a decent job. It wouldn't be as solid as her own but it was good enough. For now.

"Hey Kyle, how you feeling?"

"I was good until these two showed up. It's been nag city for the last half hour." Not until they were mentioned did Stephanie notice the two women at his side. His mother and sister, she assumed were here as support. That was good. Really good. At least he had enough sense to listen to her then.

"Well maybe you should think about that the next time you're in the hospital for three days without calling us." On that little jab alone she concluded that his sister must be older, if not extremely protective. Even though she knew virtually nothing about his family, the little she was learning now gave her at least the slightest comfort. They were here for him. He didn't like it but at least they were here.

"I went through 19 hours of labour with you, without drugs. You owe me at least a text or a "tweep"." She wasn't sure which part of that was funnier. The generation gap was evident but more than that, she couldn't quite picture Kyle making them wait almost an entire day to meet him. The amn she knew made no secret of telling the world about himself, especially the women in his life.

"Mom, it's a tweet, for the tenth time. Are you Dr. Shepherd?" _I should be in there._ As Shepherd's usual right hand, she almost felt out of place not standing alongside her mentor.

"I am, yeah." Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Stephanie quietly shuffled her way inside. Maybe if she stuck to medicine, she'd be able to stay just a few minutes.

"Dr. Shepherd recently removed the infected device from Kyle's brain but you should be aware that both the surgery and the antibiotics aren't working as well as we expected." Based on the tense cloud looming over her, she'd once again chosen the wrong words but there was no taking them back now. They needed to know. They needed to understand _exactly_ what the situation was. Hours of research looking for appropriate methods and plans had taught her more about Kyle and his tremors than just about any other patient she'd ever worked with.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Finally being spoken to put a layer of sandpaper in the resident's mouth. She didn't expect to be acknowledged at all.

"I'm Dr. Edwards. I'm one of the surgeons here." _There. Steer clear of the fact that you used to be his doctor and you'll be fine._

"This is her?" his sister asked pointedly.

"This is her." _Or not..._

"You can go."

"Kyle, if we could just talk—" The request came out in a whisper, almost as though she knew even before opening her mouth that none of it would matter enough.

"Why is she even here?" the younger girl sneered. That was a question the resident was beginning to ask herself. Why the hell was she here? Why was it suddenly impossible to leave?

"I want her to go. My son is not good enough for her. She's not good enough for us." It had been years since Edwards had a hand put to her face in anger. Though none of it was physical, his mother's words hurt just the same. Because she was right. She _wasn't_ good enough for them. In more ways than he probably knew, Kyle was smarter, kinder, and more gracious in life than she had ever been. She only knew how to get what she wanted and what it took to obtain nothing less. He seemed to wait patiently for the good to find him.

"My brother's broken a lot of hearts, but I've never seen anyone break his. And I gotta think he'd be better off if he'd come in here sooner instead of trying to avoid you. So please, do my family a favour and get the hell out of here." Stephanie had to fight the urge to raise her hand to a burning cheek. His family certainly had a way with words. No one could ever mistake them for not caring enough about him. They were protective as ever. She really expected nothing less, quietly inviting the shame she felt.

"Thank you, Dr. Edwards. That will be all." Before Shepherd could psychically pull her out of the room, The resident quietly made her exist, silently hoping that he would survive long enough to be given the apology he deserved. She didn't expect him to take it. She didn't expect to be forgiven. She wouldn't even fault him for not understanding why. She knew she had to say it though. One way or another, she would find the words she was never brave enough to give him in the first place.

* * *

Alex and Meredith both stood at a distance, watching while Rhys' mother and driving instructor began a verbal tug of war. "See these two? You were right to break up with Wilson. Now you won't end up like them." What the hell? No matter how right it felt to be done with Jo, his friend had a way of dismissing the feeling that went with it. The pain that went with leaving her was more than Alex ever knew he could feel. Walking away from Jo was nothing like watching Izzie turn her back. He wanted them. He hoped that they would work. And when they didn't? When they didn't he drank until her name was barely a whisper in his brain. He'd held onto April for dear life, suddenly terrified with the idea of being left alone with his thoughts and feelings.

"What?"

"I'm just saying it was smart. Getting out before you started going at each other's throats." Ales shook his head, trying hard to hide his disgust. Since Derek died these seemed to be her favourite rants. She hopped on the self-pity train until someone (usually him) had enough sense to pull her off.

"Yeah well, Kepner's pregnant. And even before that we were at each other's throats all the time. It's kinda the same thing." Only this time, they'd learned how to dial it back when they needed to.

"I'm pretty sure she came to you like that." Neurotic and paranoid? Yeah, that's exactly how he found her. Years ago he wouldn't have touched that crap with a ten foot pole. Now? Now there was an odd familiarity to her annoyances that put him at ease.

"What's your point?"

"My point is, I told you from day one that you could do better." Actually, from the minute he told her, Mer told him to go after Wilson. Since finding out they could actually be happy, she seemed to be changing her tune.

"You did not."

And you did," she said in congratulations, pretending she hadn't heard him at all. "She's scrubbing my counters so much I can see my face in the granite tops." Really? Her tolerance of April was based solely on the fact that she liked to keep a clean house?

"April's not your maid, Mer. She's nesting or whatever."

"I never said she was. It's just nice to have an extra pair of hands around to…take care of things." For the moment, he wasn't even going to try and figure out what she meant by that. As long as they had a place to stay, his sister could go on about whatever she wanted. Even if it was all crap.

"Dr. Karev, Dr. Grey? Had to put the screws to that x-ray tech, but I got him to rush Rhys' films." The two attendings looked up at Deluca expectantly, hoping that what they found in those films wasn't some kind of quiet death sentence.

"Is that air around the trachea?" Alex muttered getting his first look.

"I hope not," Meredith muttered taking the machine in her own hands. "It could be artifact, but we'd need a CT." Glancing up at the arguing couple, whose verbal grenades were effectively tuned out, Alex grimaced.

"Who's interrupting the happy couple to let Mom know?" Without so much as a word, the general surgeon ducked out, stepping behind them and offering her friend a supportive clap on the shoulder. "Have fun," he mused, leaving the intern to deal with the war of words.

* * *

Stephanie tried to stop her own hands from shaking as she stepped onto the elevator, swiftly stepping behind her friend before the automatic door closed.

"Jo, look, I need to know what is going on with Kyle. Just tell me." As many times as she asked for an explanation, the small voice in the back of her head never stopped reminding her that she had done this to herself. Feeling the cloud of guilt that hung over her head, she reasoned that the looming pressure was enough reason to at least _understand_ it.

"Shepherd would kill me. His family would kill me." The doctor and angered family members already did their number on the anxious resident. It wasn't like Stephanie couldn't keep a secret if she absolutely had to. The one who seemed to struggle with that was Jo. Jo was literally the only source of information she could come to without being so easily dismissed.

"Jo, please. Come on. You have, what, four floors to tell me everything you know. Please. What is going on?" The brunette sighed, contemplating how much was too much to share with her friend. Knowing their brief history and the internal struggle she watched flash across her eyes earlier that morning, she slowly opened her mouth, a small sigh falling out before she began.

"Okay, his symptoms aren't getting any better. He's febrile with some headaches, a bit lethargic and Shepherd ordered a CT that showed advanced of an abscess in the periventricular area." Jo saw only a moment of pain flash across her features before it washed away, her posture becoming almost entirely professional save for the frown lines at the corners of her mouth.

"Okay. Uh, s—So what is Shepherd's plan?"

"Drainage and ventricular washout." Blinking rapidly, Stephanie tried to ignore the sudden drop of her own chest.

"No. Wh—No. What? She wouldn't do that. She knows how dangerous that can be. She—She can't." Anything else she may have let demonstrate her fear stayed trapped in her head as the elevator sounded, indicating that any further questions she might have would have to wait, or simply go unanswered.

"I'm sorry, I have a ton of prep before surgery." Watching her leave, she could only hope that her friend's hands were _almost_ as good and efficient as hers. If it helped she would even allow that they might be _better_ just this once. Long enough to save him. Long enough to ensure that she would be able to see that mischievous glint in his eyes just one more time.

"Does—Does _he_ know how dangerous it can be?" Despite her infusion of hope, something told her that he had no idea how much risk was involved. As much as she respected Amelia Shepherd, there was often an air about her that made confidence in her own ability the only possible emotion. So much so that she sometimes missed things that were right in front of her. Now, at least for Kyle, she had to believe that the surgeon would find just the right balance.

* * *

Glancing up at the surgical board, Ben wished for yet another moment that his name was on it as a surgeon. Anesthesia, as important as it was, was the poorest substitution for all of the ways he really wanted to make a difference.

"Uh, Knox asked me to cover for him on that facial implant tomorrow. Cool with you?"

"Yeah of course," Jackson said evenly, putting in the last couple of names before turning to his colleague. Reflecting back on the awkwardness of this morning's elevator ride, he couldn't keep from sympathizing with him. The two had more in common, past or present, than he ever wanted them to. They were supposed to be the guys who hung out on the bar at Joe's after a day of surgery kicked them hard in the ass. They were supposed to be wasting away their free time watching sports and bitching at bad calls made on TV. They weren't supposed to be this, two dudes who knew the awkwardness of an angry wife.

"Hey, look, um, if you need a place to crash, I still owe you and I still have a sofa."

"Why would I need your sofa?" Turning from where he stood at the desk, his brow went up with curiosity.

"Everything okay between you and Bailey?"

"Yeah. Fine." Convincing. Really convincing…

"No, you're still living in the same house, but you're not talking to each other, right?" Ben grimaced. As much as he hoped otherwise, Jackson had effectively hit the nail on the head. He wasn't about to leave though, no matter how tense the air around his wife currently was.

"I'm aware."

"Counselling?" An option for a lot of couples. It just wasn't the right one for them. Taking that kind of step would force them into positions neither of them wanted to be in, at least not right now. It wasn't like they couldn't eventually be adults either. When Miranda finally came to realize how immature the whole thing was, they would talk about it. They didn't need a middle man.

"Well, if we go to counseling, then we'll have to talk, and then we'll yell, so yeah, not talking is better." As much as he hated this mess, he valued his marriage too much to blow it to _complete_ smithereens. Talking now would just dig them in deeper than they already were.

"So, what are you gonna do?"

"Do?"

"Well yeah. You can't just stay like this." Jackson knew better than anybody that in order to deal with a mess, you had to do something about it. Sitting in it doing nothing was just asking to make everything worse. Maybe he himself had moved a little too quickly but there was little to nothing he could do about it now. Alex wasn't letting him anywhere near her. Strangely enough it wasn't anything the pediatric surgeon had ever said. It was all in the way he presented himself. The way he stood over her protecting her dignity and strength in ways that he used to. Still all too aware of the fist planted to his jaw, nothing got between Karev and anything he'd vowed to protect. How he had come to make April one of his missions still made Jackson wonder. Alex Karev wasn't anything special. And still, he managed to make her smile. He managed to make her less frantic about things that usually sent her crawling up the walls. There was no end to how much he despised the guy for that. Depending on how long they decided to go on with this little charade of theirs, there wasn't going to be an end to it either.

"Oh, I can stay like this. And I will. I am a very patient man. And I am right, which makes me even more patient since she's overreacting. I know it and she knows it, though she's not ready to admit it yet. So I am biding my time until she apologizes, at which point I will haul my ass back into our bedroom where it belongs." For a guy who had royally fucked up, he sure had a lot of confidence in his own ability to wait this out. Almost as if Warren went ahead and convinced himself that he'd done absolutely nothing wrong.

"So—So you're _not_ mad."

"Nah, man I am pissed as hell, but she's the love of my life so…I mean you get it. You've got April." Uh, he _used_ to have April. Now she…belonged to somebody else. Until he found the prime opportunity to fix things, he had to live with the way things were. One wrong move and any progress he'd made in carving a place in his baby's life would be gone.

"April and I are divorced."

"Well, like I said—waiting game. Stay strong. You'll get there." Get where? Once April decided something, unless swayed creatively, what she wanted tended to happen and stick. Karev was an added obstacle too. One he never really expected, or wanted but in order to get around him, in order to knock him off his game, he would have to think. He would have to think hard.

"You're out of your damn mind," the plastics attending muttered.

* * *

Alex sat with Meredith in a comfortable silence, quietly hoping that they would be able to get this CT taken care of and be on their way. Not five minutes in, he realized that this little detour wasn't going to be a quiet one.

"I'll probably end up hosting this wedding. I hosted Owen's last wedding. Why not?"

"What's the matter? Why do you care so much?"

"I just wanted Amelia to keep busy with something. You know, like a hobby. 'Cause if she's talking Owen's ear off, she can't talk off mine." So far as he could tell, she had. Her sister in law had found entertainment and distraction. What the sources of any of that were had nothing to do with Meredith. The way she talked about it though told Alex that she seemed to have a predetermined list of acceptable ways to do that, which Amelia had somehow "misunderstood".

"How does this change that?"

This means _more_ talking. Only now it'll be about flowers and caterers and what kind of dress I'm gonna wear. Kill me now." The surgeon scowled, her tone making him wish that just for a second Meredith was a guy. Did _everyone_ around her have to be miserable too? "Promise me you won't do this."

"What?"

"You know, you and April." What had they ever done to her? Besides living in the frat house they had done well to keep to themselves.

"It's been a few days. We're not even close to…I don't even know what we are, okay? But we're definitely not getting married." Really it had been a few months but compared to where he'd once been with Jo, it only ever still felt brand new. Maybe because they were finally allowed to be together in public. With exception to the odd glare he could feel at the back of his head that only Wilson could deliver, their relationship went relatively undisturbed. Weird as hell for Alex who knew nothing but crazy and cancery chicks but a nice change.

"Stick with her and you will be soon." Regardless of how very April a notion like that was, hearing it come from Meredith made his throat thick with anxiousness.

"What we're doing with _our_ relationship is none of your damn business. Leave it alone. Leave Shepherd alone. She and Hunt are happy. Who the hell cares if they get married or not?" _She_ cared. The minute Derek had died, his sister waltzed right in, taking bits and pieces of _her_ past to call her own. She was living in _her_ house helping to raise _her_ kids. She made a show of pretending she was half as good as Derek. The double or nothing steal was Owen. Cristina's Owen who she was now days from marrying. It just couldn't keep happening like this. In no time at all she would have nothing left. "Oh no…"

"Air pockets in the parapharyngeal space," she muttered distantly.

"Necrotizing fasciitis," he added.

"God, it's everywhere—mediastinum, the heart—"

"There's no time. If it spreads any further, there won't be anything left to salvage. I'm gonna take him up to the OR right now."

"I'll page Jackson and cardio and tell them to meet us up there." This kid was a ticking time bomb. There was always at least one of those for every shift. She only wished it wasn't this particular one.

* * *

"You're taking Kyle in for a ventricular washout?" Edwards asked taking the stairs as quickly as she had to in order to keep up with her mentor. The doctor had to know how much of a chance her plan was on a body that simply couldn't take it.

"Hello resident who is not on my service today," Shepherd said flippantly, easily dismissing the incessant buzz in her ear. In the year the two had been working together, Stephanie had yet to listen to a word Amelia had to say.

"There is an 85% mortality rate. If his abscess ruptures while he's on the table, he dies immediately." The smirk the neurosurgeon wore did good to hide the irritation floating in her veins all day, the resident an almost constant shadow of doubt to everything step in a case she had no business working.

"Edwards, you are really underfoot," she warned. Stephanie nodded, knowing already that she'd done nothing but harp since early this morning. But there was nothing else she could do on this side of surgery except worry. And honestly, she'd already done her share of worrying. If she fell victim to the feeling again, she wouldn't be able to do a damn thing to help anyone. At least this way she was doing her part to be productive and proactive.

"Look, he just deserves all the time he can get, not some Hail Mary. I mean, can you answer me, please, Dr. Shepherd? Do you have this?" Amelia turned to her student, tipping her head back to get a handle on the frustration slowly seeping in.

"Okay no, I am not answering that. Not simply because the patient and the family have expressly asked you not be involved in this case, which would be enough, but more because I do not answer to you. This is my surgical plan. I am confident in my surgical plan. End of discussion." Edwards sighed, every bit of fight in her suddenly drained. If she fought any harder she would be hitting a brick wall. Noticing Jo out of the corner of her eye, the attending spun to face her. "Wilson. What?"

"I just wanted to let you know the OR will be ready in 45 minutes."

"Thank you." Facing Stephanie, she sighed. "For an average surgeon, sure, a ventricular washout could be a Hail Mary, but Edwards, this is me." Only moderately satisfied, the resident nodded, muttering a soft notion of thanks while she pulled away. Her steps were slow as she dared to make her way back to Kyle's room. With her hand poisoned on the handle, she could only hope that he was alone now.

"I told you to go," he said in his typically lazy drawl. From where she stood she could see just how spent the rest of the day had left him. If finding him on the bathroom floor tore her up, seeing him on this bed moments from surgery she could only pray would save him left her fighting tears she would never let fall.

"And I'm really bad at following directions," she said lightly. Slowly taking his hand, she could only hope that he wouldn't be so quick to tear it away. Touching him like this brought her a sense of quiet that she hadn't been able to find all day. Part of it was knowing just how hurt and angry he was. The rest of it was realizing just how sick he was and not being able to do just this until now, lamely expecting it to make some kind of difference. "I hurt you…" she whispered.

"You sure did," he confirmed.

"And I'm so sorry about that." As much as his chest ached remembering fondly the words written on folded stationary, looking at her now every bit of anger seemed to leave him. Instead, he found his natural smirk squeezing her hand and willing himself to enjoy the sense of warmth only she could bring him.

"Boy, my sister really hates you." Even though she heard the weak laugh in his words, there was something about the way he said it that made her wish she'd stayed away from it all.

"Yeah…Clearly you told her all about me," she said.

"Well, to be fair, I told her all the good stuff first." There was still good stuff? After everything she'd done, everything she'd said he still saw something…redeemable? "I've missed you," he admitted softly, brushing his lips against the edges of her fingers.

"Yeah?" The fact that he felt anything but anger and hurt toward her was a surprise. It was nice to know but equally odd to come across. He was sick and on the edge of dying. Her own words stopped her cold. He wasn't dying. He wasn't dying. He couldn't. Deeping words to himself, Kyle eyed her suspiciously, offering her hand another gentle squeeze of reassurance, hoping to wash the doubt from her eyes that suddenly appeared.

"Well, relax. Like, I mean, not like sad, or, like love sick miss you," he emphasized. "I manly miss you. Like, I'm very tough." At that, Stephanie found herself laughing through tears, quietly cursing them for slipping down her cheeks. Not until now did she realize just how much she'd missed him in return. Wiping her eyes with her lab coat sleeve, she took a quiet seat at the edge of his bed, careful not to land on his feet.

"Look, I talked to Dr. Shepherd about your surgery. And she's got this. You're gonna make it through this. I know it." As scared as she was of the alternative, looking at Kyle and his abundance of positivity, she found herself filling with a feeling she'd been looking for all day. Trust. Trust in her fellow doctors, in the universe, in science. Together they would work to ensure his survival.

"That's great, because I look way hotter when I'm not in a hospital gown," he teased. Stephanie flushed despite herself, quick to duck out of his line of sight to wait out the heat.

"Yeah, I remember." Stephanie Edwards remembered a lot of things. She had learned over the course of her career every surgical procedure handed to her to the very best of her limited ability. Two nights with Kyle had taught her more about the man he was than any textbook could ever provide.

"So, what's our plan…with you and I when all this is over?" Regardless of the fact that she was looking to reconcile with him, the swiftness he found in their future shocked her.

"What?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, when I'm well, and I'm done with this place, we should go away together." The resident rolled her eyes. Sometimes he came off as a little bit _too_ optimistic.

"I can't go somewhere," she reminded him softly, even while laughing a little.

"Come on. Have fun. Live a little." _Live a little_. In their brief time together no one was better at teaching her to let go than he was. Despite her reality, she found herself opening up to the dream.

"Okay. Like where?"

"I have a bunch of gigs lined up in Europe. Come on tour with me for a month." A month? Was he insane? She couldn't just drop everything for four whole weeks, just to watch him play. No matter how exhilarating the idea sounded.

"I'm a surgeon, not a groupie," she smiled.

"Come on, you know you want to see me play." She wanted to see so much more than that. So much more. How disgusting that it had to take him coming back in on his deathbed to make her realize just how much.

"I do, actually. But you know, I'd probably just embarrass you, acting a fool, you know, screaming your name in the front row." He smiled weakly at her, the mental image she painted for him enough to make his heart hammer a little.

"I'm excited to see that."

"No, you think you are," she corrected. "You have not seen me act like a fool. I throw my bra on the stage." Now that was something he _definitely_ wanted to see. It was while she sat there, inches from him that he tried to recreate the picture of her in the ways he really wanted. In those moments when she willed herself to be completely his in every way that seemed to terrify her otherwise.

"Please do that," he smirked.

"Shut up," she mumbled.

"Listen, I am…I am in this…kind of deep with you, so just…don't say these things if you don't mean them, okay?" Stephanie gulped. It wasn't until they had opened the floor to this very discussion that she realized just how stupid she'd been to walk away from it all. If he was in it deep, at the very least she was now up to her knees.

"Okay," she murmured stretching to meet his lips in a kiss she let express just how sorry she was for all the pain she'd caused. The moment was fleeting, the door swinging open putting an end to the single moment she let every thought and worry turn to a whisper. So much so that she barely registered Jo mentioning something about surgery, only nodding and fighting every urge to keep from pulling away. Before coming to stand, she rested a gentle nail along his jaw tracing lightly against its curve.

"I'll see you after."

* * *

"Oh, yeah. Okay, it's invaded the pleural space. Chest wall's involved." Everything was involved.

"We'll debride the top layer off," Alex mumbled behind his mask.

"Go deeper. Get the pericardium if you have to." Alex whipped his gaze in Meredith's direction. Was she nuts?

"I don't wanna peal this kid down to nothing," he countered. Lately having Grey in the OR felt more trying than it normally had to be. In the last year she'd become more reckless than he ever expected. He had to think that losing Derek as a result of a lesser hospital's lack of awareness was one of the biggest contributors. Still, she'd been at this game too damn long for him to feel sorry for her anymore.

"And I don't want this kid to have to go through all this and still get infected. Go deeper," she snapped.

"Grey, come on," Jackson sighed. Alex visibly growled, at his wits end with her attitude. She had to see that they were all fighting like hell. No doctor in the room was taking the easy way out. For Meredith it simply wasn't enough. If she had enough arms, she would probably do this surgery all by herself just to make sure it was done "right."

"Sorry, I've had enough of bad decisions today," she said, the apology sounding nothing like it was usually supposed to. For now it came off as something she _should_ say, rather than something she actually meant.

"Yeah, well, what did _I_ do?" Alex blinked, giving Jackson the best of his apologetic looks. Not that he had anything to be sorry for, especially where Avery was concerned. It was more out of the idea that Meredith just didn't know how to be sorry. Looking back on it, she never really had. He usually tended to take them for what they were because really, he did much of the same thing.

"Relax mate. It's probably me." The peds surgeon almost laughed. Lately Riggs had been blamed for almost everything. The fact that he was willing to volunteer fault despite his innocence spoke to how aware of his alienation he'd become.

"No, she's just pissed that Shepherd and Hunt are getting married," he mused. As much as Shepherd sometimes got on his nerves, there was nothing stopping him from being happy for her. There was no question she'd been through a hell of a lot. Sometimes it was hard as hell to find a light at the end of anything. If Hunt did that for her, great. She would be much easier to work with.

"Really?"

"That's nice actually."

"They're not. They had a conversation." Why was everyone so quick to assume a happy position on this? Didn't they see the blaringly obvious problem? She loved her sister. But what she appreciated even more was a person who worked for the things they had. So far as she could tell, everything Amelia had to her name had once belonged to somebody else, quick to fall into her lap.

"Alright, so she's pissed about them getting married someday."

"Why's that?" Meredith had to bite through her own lip until tasting copper at its edges to keep her words even. Didn't they know how to mind their own damn business?

"There's a kid on the table whose flesh is being eaten alive right in front of us. Can we please just focus?"

"Well, if you wanna hand me a half a cup of Drano, I'll get it done in a jiffy," Nathan chided. Despite himself Alex laughed.

"You think that's funny?" It actually kind of was. She just couldn't see it because she was so damn wrapped up in her own pity party to see the humour in anything anymore.

"Little bit. I'm trying to say we're well aware of who's on the table and what the stakes are. We're working as fast as we can. We're all on the same page, Grey. You're not more interested in saving a life than the rest of us. Mayo." If he didn't have his elbows shoved in Rhys' organs, he would have clapped Riggs on the back for his little speech. As many of those as he'd given her over the years, his coworker's delivery was almost better than his would have been.

"Antibiotic irrigation," she grumbled.

* * *

"Excuse me. Hi. We have an update." When the couple pulled apart, Meredith fought to hide a moment of disgust. So many freaking happy people. Not that the two were all over each other or anything but just watching them be together was wearing on her. "The surgery went well. We believe we were able to resect all of the infected tissue."

"Rhys was very lucky. If you hadn't brought him in when you did, we probably wouldn't have been so successful."

"Oh wow. Okay." Before either of them could tear their eyes away to give the couple some privacy, Alex watched while the woman practically attacked him with her mouth. He didn't have to turn around to see the frustration in Meredith's face. She wore the look almost always now. The way he saw it, she just needed someone to screw her but he wasn't about to say anything.

"Thank you," his mother uttered lightly.

"He's gonna be okay."

"He's here because of you. He would've died and he didn't because of you. Right?" The expectant look on the woman's face left Alex without words. It sounded very much like something April would say but she had a more gracious way with words than this one did.

"Yeah, kind of. Um, yeah," he said slowly.

"You are a hero." Well, he wouldn't exactly go that far but, whatever. Her kid was out of surgery and her…boyfriend was the reason he'd even lived. The guy was…something, sure."

"I mean I just did what needed to be done." Exactly like any kinda dad would. Didn't make him anything too special.

"No." Backing away slowly, both doctors let them go on with whatever petty argument they were going to come up with.

"See? Happy endings, they happen," Alex offered edging his words with rare positivity. He would blame April for that when he got home.

"Oh please. Everyone's in love in a foxhole."

"What?"

"He saved her kid. That's like post traumatic romance." The peds surgeon sighed, his ankles throbbing to just walk away from all of this. Had she given any of them a single piece of _good_ today? Judging by her rigid shoulders the answer was an easy no. Add the fact that he'd worked with her all day and it was no wonder he was ready to turn in.

"You know what? Give it a rest. Just because you choose to be unhappy doesn't mean everybody else has to."

"Not true. Not always a choice." Of course it was a choice. Feelings were almost _always_ a choice. Mental illness was something else but Meredith didn't have that problem. This was just her being a pain in everybody's ass. Taking her by the shoulders he looked her right in the eye.

"You have chances, you know. You're hot, you're smart, you're funny. Maybe Thorpe didn't work out, but that doesn't mean you have to stop trying." Meredith blinked. Where had all the sudden hostility come from? Alex of all people understood why she was upset. Why did she suddenly have to turn it all off? What if she wasn't ready to be happy? What if it still hurt like hell to be happy? "And it sure as hell doesn't mean you get to crap on everyone else." Serving him a hard glare, she spun on her heel. "And yeah, if it happens or whatever, I'm gonna have a wedding, and you're gonna be there 'cause you're gonna be my best man! Deal with it!" Despite herself, the general attending cracked the smallest smile she dared not let him see.

* * *

Slowly tiptoeing into the NICU Callie breathed a soft sigh. This was never going to stop feeling wrong, or weird. Asking to see her own daughter just wasn't anything that made sense. She had carried her, birthed her. IN the beginning Arizona didn't even want to imagine it. Now here they were, the tables almost completely turned on their heads.

"Hi. Um…is there any way that I could also have Sofia tonight? I know we already moved things around and thank you again so much by the way. It's just a really need her…Could I have her tonight, please? It's just—It's been a tough day." Even to her own ears the reasoning was lame but given the emotional toll it was all she seemed able to manage.

"You're right. We already did move things around. Or rather _I_ moved things around—for you." Well, that wasn't _exactly_ how she saw it but at the same time, she could see the frustration in her ex-wife's words. That wasn't to say they didn't have options, ways to work around it if in fact she'd gone to New York. But now, Penny was going without her because there was no way in hell she was going anywhere without her daughter.

"I know, and I thought that's why you would be okay with letting—"

"With bending the rules for your convenience? The rules that only exist because you put us and all of our friends through hell?" Oh wow. Okay. Clearly slapping her across the face would hurt a hell of a lot less. She didn't put their friends through anything. The ones to take the stand did so because they _wanted_ to. They weren't physically dragged or blackmailed into standing up for them in court.

"No. I'm sorry. I just—"

"You know, you chose this. You ruined everything. And yet you still expect me to leap to fulfill your needs. I did that. I did that this morning." Yes. Yes she had. But if she could just do this one last thing…

"Okay, Arizona, I get it. You're angry." Well, if she wasn't angry at the very least she was incredibly annoyed.

"I _wasn't_ angry. I was gracious. I was nice and I was accommodating, and I tried to help you, and yet here you are again, asking for even more. I...I do not have anymore to give you. You have used up all of my grace." What? Since when did someone run out of…? Looking up hesitantly, she could see the guard in Arizona's eyes beginning to rise. When finally she managed to turn away, the soft whisper in the back of her mind felt louder than ever against her ears. _You did this to yourself._

She knew she shouldn't be here. She'd been kicked out of every other aspect of his surgery. She really shouldn't be here. Knowing just how much was banking on sheer luck made keeping away from this an even better idea than it already was. Still, she couldn't tear her eyes away. At least from the gallery she could make sure that someone was doing a good enough job. Though she lacked extensive knowledge and understanding, about Kyle that only she really had, surgically Jo had to be at the top of her game. If Shepherd made a mess of this…If she let confidence blind her to the most obvious…

She wasn't even sure how long she'd been standing there. It very well could have been hours but the minute the monitors sounded, every bit of strength she still had in her limbs gave way. _No…_ This couldn't be happening. Not after everything she'd come to terms with, everything they'd planned. He couldn't leave. He couldn't give up. Not like this. But really, it figures. The minute she let herself be open, the minute she felt anything, something or someone just ripped it right out of her hands. Letting her head fall into her shaking hands, she let the monitors fade, closing her eyes tightly, as if doing so would make every inch of the sudden blow something she could handle.

* * *

Though her own hands were trembling relentlessly, Jo raced as quickly as she could up to the gallery. Knowing Stephanie had witnessed every painful moment, knowing her hands were vital to stop the insistent screaming, making it physically impossible to warn her friend…She had to know. Before Edwards let the world around her come crashing down, she had to know. What Jo found when she raced into the tiny room made her own heart stop.

She had never seen so much focus in eyes that could see nothing. She had never seen muscles so tense on a body that wasn't her own. Gently coming to sit beside her, Wilson hesitantly placed a hand on her knee, the gesture pulled away from more quickly than either of them imagined possible. She had done this. She had been the one to help him….How dare she think that feeling any part of her sympathies would help.

"Steph…" The sound of her name did nothing more than turn her head. Jo almost startled at how blank an expression she held. "I…It was touch and go for a while. W…We almost thought that…He died on the table," she admitted. Stephanie dared to let the words mean nothing. She'd seen it with her own two eyes. His motionless body as machines sang around him. She didn't need it explained to her. "But….We got him. He's….Recovery is gonna be slow but….With the right people and the right….He should be able to make a full recovery." A full recovery? He bled into his brain right in front of her. How was that supposed to guarantee a full recovery? How did that translate to _any_ kind of recovery?

"She lied…." Jo knit her eyes together, thoroughly confused. "She said she had it….Said he'd be fine…Shepherd was supposed to save him…."

"He's right there, Steph. A little worse for wear but with a little time…"

"We don't have time…He…. He has a show. What…What am I supposed to say when he can't play?"

"Stephanie you know how these things work. It'll take him some time to regain function. With the right doctors…With the right supports, he'll turn out okay."

"Define 'okay'."

"I…I don't know. His body's been through a lot. But he's here. He's fighting. And I think…If you want to be a part of whatever he needs…You have to take this one step at a time. He's going to go through a lot of emotions. But we know that comes with this kind of surgery. Until he gets himself figured out…"

"I'd like to be alone…" Nodding slowly, Jo hesitantly got to her feet.

"It's not as bad as you think. He's going to be okay. If…If you wanna go sit with him and wait, I'll keep Shepherd out of your way."

"No…"

"He might really like that. Just know that…if you change your mind, he'll probably be there waiting."

"If he even remembers who the hell I am…."

* * *

"Did you catch the place on fire?" he asked loudly, if only to be heard over the fire detector above his head. Thankfully no one was home yet so it was really only the two of them, surrounded in clouds of smoke.

" I'm sorry I was _trying_ to make us dinner. Should I order pizza or Thai? Uh, this was…This was a stupid idea. I…I'm…I'm sorry." Coming in closer, Alex could see the shine in her eyes he knew she was trying to distract him from with her rambling.

"April, slow down for a minute," he demanded. "Why the hell are you sorry?"

"I burnt it," she whined softly. Alex sighed turning on the cool running water and throwing the burning pot underneath it.

"You think I haven't burned almost everything I've ever tried to make?" he laughed. The redhead blinked, confused as to his oddly good mood.

"I…"

"Did you hurt yourself?" he mumbled, already stepping forward to examine her hands. Unexpectedly, she shivered, the sudden contact reminding her just how much she missed him.

"N-no. I...I don't think so…"

"Then what's the problem?" he mumbled pulling her in against him from behind.

"I was making you dinner and it….Well it's…." she stammered tearfully. As frequently as she did it, there was such an ugliness in crying that she knew Alex hated. As much as she willed it to stop, as put together as she wanted to be, the warmth of his body seemed to bring more to an already existing flow.

"Honestly Kepner, what the hell are you crying about?"

"I…I don't know…This is all just…happening so fast…"

"What is?" he mumbled, suddenly running through every step they had ever taken in his head.

"This!" she nearly bellowed a sweeping gesture across her stomach. "This is happening and we're not even close to ready! I mean, we're not even living in a…..W-We can't stay at the frat house, Alex. There's….There's so many people. A new baby isn't…A new baby isn't what everyone here signed up for." Alex rolled his lip, unsure where the frantic need to put together a baby's life had come from. Yeah she was far enough along but she and this baby were drowning in doctors. There was no end to the medical know-how. If something happened, it just freaking happened. Whatever.

"You're getting ahead of yourself, Blaze. He'll come when he comes. And when he does, we'll be ready."

"Oh my god…If I can't even cook you dinner how am I supposed to….? I'm not ready..." Pulling her over to the couch in the living room, the surgeon slowly shook his head.

"You'll be ready," he whispered

"Alex, are you insane?"

"I mean, maybe a little…" he joked. "But sane enough."

"That's not fun," she glared deadpanned.

"Whatever, sorry. . Point is, all this stuff will fall into place. All I need to know right now is what you want on your pizza." From where she laid leaned into his shoulder, April grimaced, the idea of putting pizza anywhere near her making her stomach turn. "Alright, Thai? Chinese? What?"

"I….I'm not hungry."

"Right…." Eating for two and a twelve hour shift. Of course she was hungry.

"Order for you. I'll…I'll figure something out. Sighing as he shook his head, one hand rested lightly against her belly as he dialed with the other. The touch alone seemed to wash away at least her current worries. Lacing her fingers atop his, she sighed.

"I'm getting you a ceasar salad or something."

"Alex don't…I'll be fine. I ate a late lunch."

"Alright look, Grey's been in my hair all day about a bunch of different crap. I don't need you fighting me too. I'm ordering you a salad. If you eat it, cool. If you don't, it's there for later. Just please..Put something in your mouth. Nodding slowly, she lightly kissed his cheek.

"Thank you for taking care of us," she smiled softly.

"Yeah sure, whatever. Just make sure you eat something."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: So sorry for the delay guys I'm in the process of moving and things have been a little bit hectic. Here you go!**

 **Disclaimer: *See chapter 1***

* * *

Out of the corner of his eye, Alex noted an almost permanent scowl on his friend's face. He couldn't quite remember the last time she'd gone without one. They'd been lying in the grass making sense of the sky for well over a half hour, her expression never changing. Understanding her frustration was no longer a case of Meredith being his best friend. By now it was trying to find the patience while she went on forever about Amelia and Owen's wedding taking place later that day. He had to bite back a string of smartass retorts.

"It's gonna rain," she droned. Alex quietly rolled his eyes. In Seattle it almost always looked like it was about to. That didn't necessarily mean it was going to pour.

"It's not gonna rain," he countered, keeping his usually bored tone of voice.

"Told her to have the reception indoors. This wedding is doomed even if it happens because it's definitely going to rain." He had yet to find one decently nice thing said about her sister-in-law. That wasn't to say he himself had very many high praises for the younger Shepherd but Meredith never hid her distaste very well. He on the other hand liked to think he was trying harder to do so. This last year had been a good test of those supposed skills.

"You want it to rain. You are willing it to rain."

"I am not willing it to rain. She's just so full of feelings all the time. Why can't she just cram them down and shut up like everybody else?" Alex chose to keep the fact that one had almost nothing to do with the other to himself. _Because everybody has them?_ Even Alex had his own ways of filtering emotions. Earlier in life they weren't exactly what one would call recommended techniques but at the very least he felt better after processing them, even if for the most part they were channelled aggressively. Now that he was finding more normal ways of copping, he had to wonder if they'd both been this oblivious of their own feelings and just how much cramming was being done to avoid them.

"You can't expect her to be Cristina," Alex reminded her. Since their colleague had gone off to "bigger and better things", the peds surgeon often felt like not even _he_ was doing a good enough job to support her. It had taken him months to realize that Yang was quite literally one of a kind and that no one, no matter how much they wanted to, was ever going to compete with the imprint she'd left behind.

"Exactly my point. She's definitely not Cristina. That's what I mean. Owen's wants this? Owen's marrying this?" Alex had to bite back a heavy sigh. How long was this whole freaking thing going to be a meaningless competition between who was or wasn't good enough for Hunt? Sure, what he and Cristina had was deep and meaningful or whatever, but they certainly weren't the same. And maybe they would've gone on to live happily ever after until one of them fell over and died but each and every person couldn't be expected to fill in any blanks left by other people. He'd learned that with Jo and April. Both women followed Izzie Stevens to some degree, the woman he thought he was going to spend the rest of his damn life with. Each had gone on to give him something different, not necessarily fill any quiet void.

"He said yes when she asked." Even though the words were true, he had to admit that agreeing to marry someone didn't necessarily mean a person was ready to commit in that way. For the most part, people were. And that was all that even mattered. After years of screwing and sharing a life with the same person, that was the seemingly logical next step. Alex had obviously been wrong. But again, his marriage had nothing to do with Amelia's.

"Jo didn't even tell you why?" He chuckled quietly. The number of people who actually said no to stuff like that could probably fill a small room, and even they had answers when a brave guy's attempts to swoon all but blew up in his face.

"Sure, she told me why. It's just nothing I haven't freaking heard before. I'm done, it's over." When it came to the connection he once had with Wilson, he couldn't quite decide when the cord itself was severed and slowly gave way to all kinds of annoyances. He couldn't even tell her when the two stopped talking all together, slowly guiding around each other like ships in the night. "And really, what does it matter? I'm with April now. Maybe it's a mistake. Maybe it's the best decision I ever made. Not sure yet. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, I won't be crying in a corner." Because by now, he'd become stupidly numb to disappointment. "Maybe you only get one." His last few words almost made the doctor cringe. If he went with that, only one woman made any real sense. The same one who ran as fast as her skinny legs could carry her when things got hard. Meredith let her gaze shift just enough to take in her friend at her side. She was used to seeing Alex grim but something about this conversation turned him solemn, a quiet she didn't see very much of when it came to him.

"One what? Soulmate? Or true love? Well then who…?" All at once it all made too much sense. Even though the math itself made moderate sense, the thought was almost worth laughing at. And she would have if she didn't know how much it would really upset him. "Izzie? Alex, Izzie wasn't your one true love. And even if she was—"

"Are you crazy? If you really wanna be with someone for the rest of your life, you don't skip town 'cause your husband was trying to look out for you. I thought you didn't believe in that crap." Neither of them really did but to hear the word slip out of his friend's mouth almost allowed him to consider just how "magical" her McDreamy really must have been. If she wasn't gonna die without having had her dream wedding, Alex was almost positive he wouldn't have even bothered with something so extravagant in the first place. Even Jo would've been comfortable with something more private. Alex swallowed hard, the slow transition of putting Wilson somewhere in the past making him almost angry.

"Well, everybody else seems to think we're all a part of this 'big plan' or something. Really it's just the right people coming into your life at the right time." Even that sounded a little hokey but it wasn't like he had very much room to judge. His own life was just to fucked up to put faith in something so concrete as someone's "one true" anything. Right place, right time type of deal? That was a little bit more believable, though not necessarily a concept he'd bet his own life on. But there were pieces of himself he wasn't going to get back.

"What was Derek? Are you telling me that you think that's coming around again?" Even if he himself didn't see faith like Kepner did, there were at least _parts_ that made sense. April might in fact be his one true…something. He just needed the time to figure that out. Meredith had gone and found her one true…whatever they were. If her dancing around the term wasn't enough, her change in mood definitely was. He smirked when she let out a slow sigh, quietly admitting to at least something he said.

"That was different." Alex ignored the fact that the words came out almost reluctantly. This was the closest to any win he'd gotten in weeks.

"How?"

"Derek was…Derek. Dreamy. They don't make 'em like that anymore."

"What does that mean?" In his own ignorant opinion Shepherd wasn't anything spectacular, his ego twice the size of a normal human brain but that wasn't his place either. She did have one thing right though. Finding a decently nice person with looks to match wasn't as easy as it supposedly used to be. Alex was learning that one the hard way.

" _Real_ love doesn't happen twice. But I guess you can always love better. Like with you and April." To say that confession was unexpected would be an understatement. With her more than obvious distaste of every pair walking the hospital halls, he didn't think Mer even cared enough to bring his girlfriend up in conversation like that.

"I don't know if I _love_ her. Care about her a lot though. A lot…" Well, she hadn't exactly thought of the word in such concrete terms. Their relationship was only just beginning. What they would eventually develop for each other was unknown. For her friend's sake, she hoped that what they happened to have was fulfilling in its own right. As awkward as they sometimes were, maybe the redhead was Alex's own version of McDreamy.

"Would you marry April?" For the first time during this entire conversation, he found himself fighting an automatic nod. Part of it was the general idea of finally pulling it together and finding someone. Such was the hope with Jo. Now that those dreams had quite literally gone up in smoke, even April was starting to make a little bit of sense. The two were as different as night and day, but maybe that was the whole point. Kepner was also the kind of woman who liked all of her ducks in a row. Maybe he would start looking at that as some kind of advantage.

"I don't know. If we make it that far and it sounds like a good idea, I can't exactly say no. It's good for the baby." At least that part of it his friend would understand without any real questions. She was a single mom of three, needing to sometimes call on her so-called "village" to keep all the hair on her head. For the most part, she did. All the same, there were times when some of the words he used made the man beside her nothing like the Alex she once knew. As mature as the idea was, there were times she missed his brooding sense of being.

"You know, sometimes I don't even think I recognize you anymore," she mumbled.

"It's called growing up. Even I do it sometimes." He had. Alex Karev had matured right before her very eyes at a speed that made her almost uncomfortable. She herself had learned how to be bright and shiny in limited doses. He however frequented the outlook on life more often than she did. Then again, he hadn't found "his one" yet. When that was gone, who you became in their absence wasn't always something you could be held responsible for.

"Well, six years ago you wanted to throw her off the dock. Now you're _together_? Like together, together. Not just sleeping together."

"Kepner doesn't do that kinda thing." He for one was glad she didn't. Alex had long since grown out of his bed hopping tendencies. Not only did she put a sudden stop to all of that but he found himself fighting absolutely no urge to do so. Even in friendship April always managed to draw out a tiny box in which he could maintain himself. Years ago the boundaries were suffocating. Today, he wanted them.

"I know. Just weird to see that you're there too."

"She's a good person. A little psycho but compared to everything else I've been with, her mental health is awesome." His last retort earned a small laugh, the rare sound of which softly shook the sky loose of its soft downpour.

"I told you it was gonna rain. This wedding is doomed."

* * *

There was just something about weddings that made April smile. Everyone involved was their own version of happy and having seen the bleak side of life as a trauma surgeon one too many times, one could never get enough of that positive energy. Being as determined as she was to make this day something both Amelia and Owen could remember even allowed her enough distraction from reflecting on her own failed marriage, at least for a moment. Enough time had passed since that it wasn't even about no longer being with Jackson. For her it was the soft pang that struck her when she realized how blind she had been to what was now so painfully obvious. She and her ex-husband were almost nothing alike. Alex was actually his own brand of unfamiliar but thinking of the latter made smiling easier, almost effortless. So much so that she almost floated up the stairs.

"Oh, hey, don't let me forget the rings, and I called the—"

"Shh, shh. Shh." If the conversation floating through the door wasn't painful enough, the tension that clung to it made any further comment stop on its own.

"What?"

"I don't know, Mom…"

"Amelia's mom. No one in the family is coming to the wedding." No, no, no. This was not the kind of apprehension a bride was supposed to be feeling on her special day. If she knew the woman more personally, words of comfort would be easier to offer. Given their strictly professional relationship, all she could do was stand outside with Maggie and hope that it didn't get any worse.

"Because I do. I'm alone. If you don't come, it is just me. Mom. Mommy, please, I am getting married. Fine. Yeah, no. Umm…okay. I understand. Yeah, it's so good to know that all of the best people in this family are dead." April bit her lip. She learned rather quickly that Amelia wasn't exactly careful with her words. The explanation given by her equally concerned sister made the frantic tone almost appropriate.

"Amelia, hey…" She didn't know the cardio surgeon at all really but being a peacekeeper herself, April could almost sense them herself. There was also the chance that Pierce was just trying to keep her from exploding but no matter the reason, at least she didn't have to be the one to do it. That would just be…well, awkward.

"Rain is supposed to be good luck," she chirped lamely. When her words yielded no real results, she felt a little bit dumb for saying anything at all. The redhead had an almost natural talent for making things worse. After several minutes of rolling her lip in contemplation, the most obvious solution came to her. The only question was, where was she going to find Hunt at a time like this?

"Amelia, open the door. Amelia. It doesn't matter. If they don't want to be here then…they shouldn't be. We don't want them. They don't get it, and they don't have to. I do. And I'll be there. And the only one I want there is you." As much as she didn't want to see it, her mentor's words sounded eerily similar to something she heard not too long ago. Before a knot in her chest could fully form, she remembered how quickly the speaker of those words was willing to give up. As respectful as they were now being with one another, she often found a truth in his eyes that had almost appeared by magic.

"You're not supposed to see me before the wedding. It's bad luck." Despite the situation, April had to fight a smile.

"I'll close my eyes. I won't see a thing. Come out, Amelia. Come out and marry me." True to his word, she saw Owen's eyes slowly close, and moments later the bathroom door quietly eased open. She could blame tearing up while watching them kiss on the raging hormones pushing buttons on every one of her emotions.

"Okay…" _Yes!_ "Go. I will see you at the church."

"I am an excellent best man," she mused.

* * *

"Aah! I was boiling an egg. He scared me near to death." This wasn't the first time Jackson found himself pulled into meaningless conversation. It was a comfortable norm with older patients and today, an easy alternative to Hunt's ceremony. He didn't exactly ask for a shift that would make attending his co-worker's wedding impossible, it just so happened to work out that way. Whatever the older woman went on about was bound to be more entertaining than watching a happy couple while he was doing his best not to look so damn miserable.

"I bet." Whether or not she actually clued into his attempt to be interested didn't seem to make any real difference.

"Must've come through the—through the window. Came up behind me in my kitchen. So I just…hyah." Well…better than being around to throw nasty vibes at the happy couple. At least here, he was doing his best to save people their own bad outcome. With one ear trained on the older woman, the other naturally strained to take in the voices around him, a small bit of relief coming over him when he heard Callie in the next trauma bay.

"Pressure on that, Cross."

"I'm trying."

"Oh, here I got it."

"Is she—Is she okay?" Bailey had to applaud this guy. At least _he_ sounded genuinely sorry. The sympathy was a little bit on the late side but he wasn't celebrating a successful mission or anything. He was just playing the part of a concerned citizen so the law didn't look at him as less of a man for breaking the law. Neither mask was anything to be proud of but pretending was better than laughing in a person's face. No matter how misguided they sounded.

"How about you don't talk about her?" Callie suggested.

"Yeah, you picked the wrong grandma today, bud." The chief made a mental note to congratulate the woman on her quick thinking and self-defence.

"She's my mother. I take care of her. She has dementia. She didn't know it was me. She didn't know." _Oh Lord_ …That certainly answered a handful of questions. Looking through the joining window at the woman in question, she all but shook her head. That poor woman was more confused than any of them, likely unaware of even her own actions against her son.

* * *

"It's alright. We'll need to get you some x-rays. Can you move your thumb for me?" the plastic surgeon asked quietly. Now that the woman was noticeably calmer, getting a better understanding of what brought them in wasn't going to be such a battle.

"Where were you?" she mumbled tiredly. Looking up Jackson blinked.

"I'm sorry?"

"You left me all alone and I had to—You should've been there. You should've been there for me, taken care of me." _Or maybe not…_

"Louise, do you know where you are?" he asked, seeing in her eyes the answer to his question before she spoke another word. More than stuck in her own mind, she was years into a time where the doctor himself had never been. At least not with her.

"That's…what a husband does." Despite her situation being of an entirely different nature, something about her final words struck a chord. _That's what a husband does._ But it was also what a wife did for the man she loved, a notion that seemed lost and forgotten to his estranged wife. Just like Louise, he too had been forgotten. April just hadn't seen it that way until much later.

"Okay," he whispered. As hard as he tried to ignore it, something about her sudden burst of emotion made him uncomfortable.

"Don't—Don't—Don't leave me." Words his mouth couldn't form soon enough. Words he'd seen in April's eyes while he dangled the papers right in front of her. Both were so tangled in their own mourning that their own emotions outranked anything else. Now that he could see that with blinding clarity, anything that might have saved them before was going to mean nothing now. Or at least, until she figured out that she could do better than Alex Karev.

"Oh, okay. Alright." Even though he had an almost flawless plan of action, Jackson couldn't do a damn thing about them now. What he could do was be here for Louise, even if it meant giving her a handful of empty promises to hang onto. Between the two of them, she would forget his in a matter of minutes.

* * *

"Let's make a baby." Upon hearing those words, Alex had to make sure that who they came from was in fact the same woman who for the last few weeks wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. As much as he didn't want to admit it, her constant hesitation reminded him just how alike they were. The difference was that he had evolved. Jo was still spinning hesitation in tight circles around almost everything he said. Now she wanted to make a baby? More than marriage that was a lifetime commitment no amount of paperwork could erase.

"What?"

"You said that you wanted a baby, and you would make an amazing dad. And that's what you're worried about, right—that I'm not all in. But I am. And I love you." Alex laughed bitterly, his outburst bordering on disgust.

"Kind of late for this little speech, don't you think? Let's see, I asked you when the whole Jimmy thing happened. Twice. I did it again when I actually had a stupid ring and you just shoved it in a damn drawer." The two weren't mutually exclusive. It was the 21st century. Jo knew hundreds of families that weren't bound by a piece of paper. Having come to understand Alex as well as she thought she did, she didn't think technicalities like that even mattered.

"I said a baby, not get married," she clarified.

"Isn't that what making a baby together leads to?" She was moments from shaking her head to reject his conclusion but held back. "Come on, Jo. You had your chance. Dozens of 'em. You finally going to tell me why or am I just gonna take the last of my stuff and go back to Mer's the same way I've been doing it for weeks now? Quietly. We don't talk, just dance around each other for a bit and be done with it." Of course she wanted to talk. Why else was she chasing him around the room while he took every bit of his general presence and shoved it in a suitcase? If anything was going to open her eyes up to how much she loved him it was the constant reminder that Stephanie almost lost hers, and that too had been her fault. What they had ahead of them was no doubt an uphill battle but so was her own relationship now that she'd twisted it into an almost unrecognizable shape.

"I told you that I love you…and that I'm not going anywhere. So isn't that enough? Can't that be enough for you?" He said himself that it would be, that it had to be. As far as he knew, he was an orphaned man with no reliable family to speak of. The two of them were going to be a family. In this moment she was ready to help him build one. And suddenly he didn't want one? _He cheated on you with April Kepner_. The thought made her physically sick. He walked right into the arms of a woman with one that was ready-made. That was even more proof of how badly he wanted one, just not with _her_.

"You know, I was with Mer this morning, and I was thinking that the two of us, we've been through hell. You know, all kinds of drama—crazy family stuff, we both almost died, losing people we love…" No matter the point he was trying to make, hearing Meredith's name leave Alex's mouth still made her uneasy. It didn't seem to matter how thoroughly he had been used by the woman in the last year. He still talked about her in ways that made it possible for her name to sit comfortably in his mouth. Her own didn't sound nearly as safe anymore. He'd never been romantically involved with Grey (so far as she understood it) but the love was still there. As easy as hers was to say, he almost spat it out now.

"No, y-you're not losing me," she reminded him, the words careful while she tried to keep her ears from ringing. It took everything in her not to find safety in the next room. If she dared to run from this conversation, she would just be digging herself a deeper hole than she was already in.

"You're right. You were just never here. Why would it feel like I lost something if I didn't even have it in the first place?" The resident shuffled back on instinct, her hands aching to come up and protect her face. She was sure he hadn't meant to but he might as well have slapped her. "But enough about old crap. The point is, we grew up. Mer and I are grown up. We got through it. And hell is behind me. It's in my rear view mirror, and I'm not going back. I'm done."

"That's not…" she began.

"I'm not—I'm not some idiot kid anymore, Jo. I'm a man, and I'm done with games. I'm done with crazy. I'm done with losing. I'm done with drama. Got enough of that with April's baby and Avery doing whatever it is he's doing to be a dad to his kid." As clear as his next step with the trauma surgeon was going to be, hearing the words made it all the more real. If she didn't find something that could possibly save them, he was already out the door. "That's the kind of headache I chose. It's a headache I might actually want. And you know why? She doesn't mess around." Of course Kepner didn't make things confusing. She had the entire year planned out in little journals and booklets. Watching her with her little pen and paper used to make both of them laugh. Because unlike them, she had never seen real struggle. The hospital shooting was only a glimpse into how crappy life could really be, no matter how heartbreaking the ordeal was to hear about. "I don't care about your secrets and your excuses and your drama. You know, I-I've had that."

"Alex, if we could just—"

"I just said I don't want to do this! I can't do this! She's over at the house trying to stop Shepherd from going nuclear because her family refuses to show up on what's supposed to be the happiest day of her life! And you know, that could've been us. But it's not. I'm not going to stand here with one foot in the door just 'cause you're 'scared'. Everybody's scared, Wilson." Jo swallowed hard. She hadn't heard her last name leave his lips on its own since her first day as an intern. The sudden shift was even further indication of how quickly she was losing her grip on the situation. "Just 'cause you were a street kid, doesn't mean you _are_ a street kid."

"What the hell does _that_ mean?" she bit, the words brought up as a shield and a fighting chance at keeping her hands to herself.

"You know what I'm scared of? Losing that baby. If anything happens to that baby, it's Ava all over again. And as weird as it freaking sounds, I actually like Kepner. A lot." And just like that the man she once loved was nothing more than a stranger. Respect for the trauma surgeon? Absolutely. There was a reason Owen Hunt when on about her incomparable skill set. But now he was talking about her like they actually had a fair shot at some kind of _relationship_. Whether or not it was her silent jealousy, the two pieces just didn't fit. At all. And yet, any day now he was going to be somebody's stepfather. "So please, save it and accept what this is. Because I sure as hell didn't choose it. That was you. And now you're gonna have to live with it."

"If I could just exp—"

"Explain what? Why you don't wanna marry me? We already covered that. You don't want to commit because you've always been abandoned by every other person you've opened yourself up to. Life just hasn't worked out for you the way it has for everybody else. Wake up, Jo. We got together because I _get_ that. I _lived_ that. I—I have never had one second of anything real my entire life. But I'm not about to let that be my whole life. I want more. I want truth . I want—I want a wife and a house and a family! Amelia and uh, Owen's wedding today—I want that. If you don't, that's fine. But don't stand here and stop me from trying to find someone who does." Jo found her mouth opening and closing stupidly like a fish out of water, every counterargument she could think of suddenly gone. As soon as the front door nearly slammed behind him, she fought tears, grabbing her purse and shoes that would be strong enough to get her drunk ass back to the loft. Alex clearly didn't need help to forget her. Unfortunately, the same couldn't quite be said for her.

* * *

"So the tux is here, shoes there. Um, is there anything else you need?" As many times as she had been a bridesmaid, she really never imagined herself adding the title best man to her list of wedding party personnel. It was really the same as being an extra pair of hands for a frantic bride but her mentor seemed strangely put together. Was she supposed to break out the beer keg like she heard many other groomsmen do right before the big moment? Her obnoxiously large stomach reminded her that as fun as it all sounded, actually doing so wasn't going to give them the same results seeing as only one of them would ever do any actual drinking.

"I'll be fine," he reassured in his typically calm demeanor.

"You're good?" His wordless reply crossed of yet another responsibility on the list she kept in her head. "And did you remember black socks?" His lack of a genuine response brought a small smile to her face. Finally she was taking on the proper role of a best man. The rest of the day really only consisted of her following him around as she triple checked all of the little details he already had in place. Everything but his socks. "Ha, I knew it."

"You know, thank god for you. This is why I had you hold onto the rings." She gave him a slight nod, trying to hide the moment of panic that washed over her. The rings…The rings she had asked Maggie not to let her forget...But rings weren't Maggie's job. Maggie was supposed to make sure Amelia got down the aisle. The meltdown she heard earlier this morning was enough to convince her they had leapt into her pocket. Until now.

"Thank God for me…"

"Hey, am I the first one here?" The words came out of her mouth in a rush, not even the slightest hint of a greeting for Ben.

"Do you have a car?"

"What?"

"Do you have a car?"

"Yes. Why?" Two simple words. Enough to let her heart slow to a steady hoof beat in her chest. They hardly ever crossed paths at work. When she had a minute to think about it, they didn't have a lot to say to each other ever really. Today, if he helped her save this wedding, she might just add him to the short list of candidates for potential godfather.

"Okay." The fact that the windshield wipers were nearly washing waves of water away long enough for them to make it down the road went almost unnoticed while April retraced her every step since earlier this morning. The sooner she could remember, the faster they could reappear and Owen would hardly notice she was even gone. Or so she hoped. She could barely manage to keep from swinging the door wide open when the house came into view, only stopped by a flash of common sense. After a couple of minutes fumbling with the key to the front door, she kicked off her heels, already starting a slow pace along the kitchen floor.

"I left the rings…I don't remember where I left the rings." Moments like this were prime examples of why she insisted on set lists, on a plan. If she had it all written down, nothing could go wrong. The one time she didn't have time to keep one, something went wrong. The fact that it wasn't even considered a small mistake seemed almost fitting for someone like April. _Where the hell did they go?_

"Well, uh, they say if you think out loud while you're looking for something, you find it faster." Not only was he feeling weird for being roped into this search; Ben felt all together out of place in Dr. Grey's house. On top of the woman not exactly being the most inviting woman, he was also now grouped with the woman who was the last doctor to see her husband alive, just like he had been for Gretchen. Like Penelope Blake, his job was to make sure his patient made it off the table. Now the woman's voice had a place forever in his memory. The idea that the two weren't even linked made it even more freighting but the general outcome was virtually the very same.

"Who says?"

"Scientists…who lose things." Honestly, the faster they got back to the church, the better all of them were going to feel. It didn't help that the poor woman looked like she was ready to deliver her own baby right there on the kitchen floor. The level of stress April was putting on herself wasn't even hers to begin with. Once everyone found out though, the lack of a ceremony was going to become everybody's problem.

"Okay. Okay. Alright. I remember there was one point that I went upstairs." As subtle as it was, the laboured sigh perked Ben's ears up.

"You okay?

"Yep, I'm fine. Uh, I went upstairs , and Amelia was in the bathroom . And. Okay." Based on what he saw moments before, Ben found himself trailing her up the stairs, though moderately more calmly than his flustered friend. Watching her rip through every room in the large house was starting to worry him a little, maybe a lot. The amount of walking paired with the number of times he'd already heard her groan were a perfect recipe for going into labour, something he wasn't about to let her do in this house. Before he could process the idea that she was working through the mentioned bathroom, April was already back down the stairs and back in the kitchen, her feet likely leaving their mark somewhere on the floor. "Okay, so then I hung up the phone, and I went over to the table and—" He didn't need the corner of his eye to see the redhead bent over. The groan that struggled to make its way out was more than enough.

"What? What? What? What? What? You okay?"

"Found it!" The smile that made its way across her face made Warren roll his eyes.

"Alright look, let's get out of here." She was barely standing for no more than a minute before he watched her fold over again prompting the doctor to carefully bring her over to the first available chair. Not that she was actually going to listen to him any. "Okay, you—you're having contractions." He would keep the fact that she unintentionally sped up the process to himself. Her undue stress was for all intents and purposes spent on a worthy cause but now they had an entirely different problem on their hands.

"No. Braxton Hicks all day. Ben, I'm fine." _I'm fine_. The two words every woman he had ever known used to disguise the fact that they were anything but relatively okay. His wife was currently practicing such a method right now. She had been for months now. But April Kepner was not Miranda. She would eventually listen to some kind of reason, hopefully before this baby all but fell out of her.

"Go on. Sit down," he suggested slowly pulling out a chair for her.

"Come on. No. We gotta get these rings over to Owen, and I'm gonna—" Another groan.

"Kep-Kepner, have a seat," he repeated, his tone a little bit more forceful now.

"Oh boy. Okay, sitting sounds good," she breathed. Ben barely nodded. Now that she was finally in one place, he had at least a couple of minutes to come up with some kind of plan. With it raining buckets outside, the chances of making it to the hospital without causing either of them significant injury seemed slim to none. The only other option was considered earlier and still not one he liked. At all.

* * *

"So, I will repair this tendon right here and get you sewn right up." Even while Jackson explained the procedure, he knew there was a very good chance she wouldn't remember a word he said. Having Louise think that he was actually her husband certainly didn't help the situation at all. But these were the surgical cards he'd been dealt and no matter how strange it made him feel, the only other activity for the day was just going to make him angry eventually.

"I didn't know you could do that. Are you a doctor?"

"I am." Louise wasn't the first patient he'd come across with a hazy memory but there was something about watching her float between worlds that made him feel for the old lady. Some of it tied back to the words she echoed that rang true to his own demolished relationship. The rest of it just came out of genuine human compassion. He didn't know of a single person who appreciated living in an almost constant fog.

"Oh, I'm confused…" she realized slowly, trying hard to hide her moment of embarrassment. At the very least one of her questions had been answered. The only one left was _why_? It was clear she'd gone and hurt herself but she had no recollection of how it happened at all.

"That's okay. Um, Louise, do you remember your son at all?" Jackson could tell by the glaze in her eyes that he'd just gone and furthered her state of mind. On top of already being considered a stranger to her, he was talking crazy now.

"Son? Son? I…I don't—I don't have any children." Of course, she and her husband were planning to do so but not in any immediate future.

"Well, a-actually you do." How was that even possible? Naturally, her hand fell to her own stomach, a gleam of recognition coming across her eyes. _Um…_

"I'm having a baby? We're having a baby?" On the other side of the bed, Cross had to bite back a laugh. As professional as his superior was trying to be, he somehow managed to dig himself a deeper and deeper hole with his attempts at helping her make sense of what was going on.

"No, that's—That is not what I meant."

"We're having a baby. I can't wait." _Crap…_

"Uh, me neither."

"Congratulations," the intern mused. Glaring hard at his dopey expression, Jackson barely contained the desire to flip him off for deciding to play along with her little charade. Of course, it was all too real for Louise but he was doing everything he could to help her understand and Cross was just making it all worse.

"You're dismissed, doctor." He didn't even care enough to see that his student followed his hasty instructions. At this point he just wanted to do his job and send this lady and her son on their way. Based on these two alone, today already sucked. Sitting through the stupid ceremony was sounding better and better as the web of lies and half-truths only spun tighter. Seeing as he owned the hospital there was nothing stopping him from giving himself the rest of the night off. Unless that one thing happened to be a red-haired woman in a dark purple dress with eyes that for the first time in years were not going to be for him, but likely the man behind him. Because life was just _that_ cruel.

* * *

"See that—that one came a lot faster. They're—They're—They're a lot closer together now. Maybe we should take this party onto the hospital." The more he thought about it, the less this actually felt like any kind of party. Ben couldn't recall a moment since setting foot in the house where he wasn't on edge about something. With April about ready to give birth right this second, there was _everything_ to be anxious about. How he was going to make it through these sheets of rain, he hadn't the slightest. But he wasn't about to be held responsible for another baby dying either.

"Wait, wait, wait, Ben. I don't—I don't want to have this baby in your car." If she held them up long enough he would have to explain to his already angry wife how he managed to get blood and amniotic fluid all over their moderately new upholstery.

"Neither do I. We're going to the hospital."

"No. No. No. Okay, but figure my contractions are close together, plus traffic plus the rain, plus uh,-I don't know—a tree in the road?" Alright so the last one wasn't necessarily guaranteed but the wind currently ripping a hole through the universe was definitely working on it. As right as he wished she wasn't trying to be, he had to admit she had a little bit of a point. Whether it made sense or not, he still hated what that actually meant for him.

"Are you saying—?"

"I'm saying that between your car and this house, running water, blankets , um, I'll stay here. Yeah, I'm gonna have this baby right here." _Fuck_. Sure, the ER was generally the better option but both Jackson and Alex would likely be out for murder if they got news that Ben got them killed on the way to having this baby.

"April, no." He would be lying if he said he wasn't at least considering it. Having her confirm it just had a way of making everything worse. Not only did his wife still have absolutely no trust in him for his attempt at saving lives but now he was going to have to do it again. If things went badly this time, he was probably looking at divorce, followed by murder.

"Ben, come on. It's having a baby at home. People have done it in caves. My mom did it once in a barn I think. We can do this." And suddenly he was reminded why he and Kepner never bothered to seek each other out a Joe's after work. Her optimism was probably going to get him fired. And as endearing and reassuring as her blind faith was supposed to be, it only made him even more paranoid than he already was.

"Do what?"

"I think the baby wants to be here for the wedding." Best to keep his mouth shut about the fact that if she went into full on labour, neither of them were going to make it to any wedding. He still managed to appreciate her few attempts at humour though, even if it lasted a split second before circling back to completely freaking out.

Alex was barely through the front door before he heard two distinct voices across the way. At least this one time he would be thanking anything and anyone he had to for making it possible to hear his girlfriend in a room of thousands. Not only because her voice was honestly nothing he'd ever freaking heard before but because she always spoke three or four pitches higher than your average person. His bag almost took off his foot when Alex realized what was really going on, every nerve in his body already prepared to go right back out to his car.

"What the hell? Okay, we're going to the car. Now." Maybe if he said it often enough, they just might make it. Screw it if he sounded like a damn parrot while he did it. Hell or…well, he was going to get the there. He still wasn't sure about swerving through the streets but at the very least she wouldn't be in this house, where permanent stains were going to have him facing Meredith's wrath for at least the next decade.

"I already tried that," Ben muttered. Maybe now that her equal was telling her the hospital was a good idea, they might actually get there. Add the fact that he got the feeling they were actually seeing each other (which wasn't going to stop being weird for a long time given his friendship with Dr. Avery), and they were pretty much golden. Kind of.

"There's not enough time…I told Jackson I wanted to d—Oh my god…Jackson. I promised he could…" Alex barely had enough time to take her hand before she took the life right out of it. Biting the inside of his cheek, he turned his gaze to Ben, determined to make the look as authoritative as possible. Because of course this was just their luck. Being stuck with the drop out who was always so damn squirrely.

"Warren, go call Avery."

"Me? Why's it gotta be me?" _Cause I'm freaking busy_.

"Because I freaking said so," he growled. If she wasn't so focused on trying to find a steady breath, April would have easily called him out on his tone. As disjointed as he had been, Ben was only ever trying to be helpful. At least now that he was home though, she could really dig into these contractions. Because really, using Ben as a labour coach and delivery was just...weird.

"We should just get in the car." Noticing Karev's mouth become a grim line, he sighed. "Okay, okay. But you know what? I'm gonna—I'm gonna call an ambulance though." He had to stop himself from reminding Ben that at a time like this, EMTs weren't gonna do shit for them. A lot like the storm they had not too long ago. The one his nephew was born in.

"Of course this happens to me…" he whispered.

"What in the world are you talking about?" April groaned.

"Nothing. I'll explain later. You focus on the baby. And you," he ordered turning back to Warren. Hang up on those guys and call Avery. Then you can call the whole damn neighbourhood if you want. I don't care if he has to walk. He's gonna be here." He only hoped the guy would have enough sense to keep his bitterness to himself once he did.

"I'm gonna have a baby," she laughed. How she could find this funny, Alex had no idea. At least one of them was trying to find the stupid light at the end of the stupid tunnel.

"You're gonna have a baby," Ben breathed.

"On Meredith's rug," she chirped.

"Right on Meredith's rug…"

"Mer's gonna kill me…." He muttered. Well, at least he was already here to help her have the baby. And then he would have the luxury of dying in a real house…a home, where he would haunt the hell out of everyone in it. Twisted as ever but whatever. He'd never been one to believe entirely in the six feet under thing anyway. Almost checking out in that elevator just made it even more obvious.

* * *

"Is it happening? Am I having the baby now?" She'd gone on for so long about this nonexistent baby that Jackson thought it best to just dance around the idea. At least one of them knew that it was all in her head. But if she was made to believe otherwise, it would just make things a whole lot easier.

"Okay, you need to relax," he said gently.

"Oh, I wish you could stay," she said wistfully.

"I'm gonna stay right here by your side the entire time. When you wake up, I'm gonna be right here." _All in the name of playing a little pretend._ In enough time his baby would be forcing him into it. There was no better place to get a taste for it than right here.

"Oh, you promise?"

"I love you."

"I love you," he echoed, trying not to cringe as the words left his mouth.

"So weird."

"No one say anything please," he muttered while replacing his gloves and gown." Before he passed through the swinging door, he could hear his phone buzzing somewhere in the distance, silently reminding himself to get to it right after surgery.

* * *

April had lost count of just how many times she'd dialed the same number. After Alex made Ben do it for her at least a dozen times, she had to think that at least half the reason he wasn't answering was because a call from Ben didn't exactly scream "emergency".

"Warren has called a 9-1-1 but I might be having the baby here. So uh, you know, just get here please." She didn't need to tell him just how many times either of them actually tried to get him to pick up. Near the end even Alex was trying and despite realizing they had to at least live with each other, they weren't exactly on great terms at the moment. She decided that now was not the time to remind him about phone edicate. Alex wasn't going to listen and Jackson really wasn't going to care.

"Hey, y-you sure you don't wanna…lie down? I wish I had an epidural for you." If he wasn't watching his own girlfriend brave the sheer torment of having her insides ripped to shreds he would spare the way Ben was talking to her a little bit of a laugh. He might be years older than almost all of them but he really knew very little about medicine. If he did, he would be a lot more sure of himself than he currently was. Then again, April was one of their own. With Alex of all people breathing down his neck, of course he was nervous. Still, there was a level of poise he hadn't quite mastered just yet.

"Don't need it. I am conquering the pain with my mind."

"With your mind? Are you serious?" he laughed. "Right outta Star Wars."

"Alex!" she whined.

"You weren't kidding. You—You know how to have a baby."

"Shut up and make yourself useful. I'm starting to think you got suspended 'cause you were sitting on your ass when you should've been paying attention to stuff," he muttered. Thankfully he had Montgomery on speed dial from years before and just never bothered to take her off. _For times like this_.

"Okay, Ben, um, maybe go wash your hands 'cause I need you to give me an exam because my water just broke. You—You're probably gonna see my vagina, which might be weird," she called out across the hall, ignoring the bright red flush that crawled up her face. Out of the corner of her eye she watched her boyfriend grimace, already making a list of all the ways she planned to make it up to him.

"Yeah but uh, I'm a doctor, so you know, it's all good." No. It really wasn't "all good". Not with him. He wasn't about to watch another guy stick his hands in places only his should be. But that was the problem with having just two of them. He couldn't be in two places at once.

"You sure you don't want me to do this? I've seen it all already. I worked OB forever because Montgomery was trying to teach me a lesson." Was this Warren's lesson or something? Because if it was, he could go find some other pregnant chick to stick his fingers in.

"No. I'm going to be screaming and cussing until this baby is born. And you're gonna sit there and take it."

"What about Avery? He's gonna be here too." She tried not to shake her head in disgust. As much as she cared about the father of her baby, there were certain things he couldn't stand the sight of. Watching a baby come out of a tiny hole was one of those certain things. As soon as he had gone ahead and shared that, she wasn't shy about bringing up the irony in it. He quietly shook his head, finally admitting that babies was one of the many reasons he'd eventually gone into plastics. Mark Sloan was really just the catalyst to helping him realize it. He could sew up and graft anyone he had to, no matter how gruesome the injury. Watching babies being born? His own baby? That was…Well in his book it was just too much.

"Alex…."

"Alright, alright, fine. Come back here. Your pacing is making me nervous as hell." When she slowly made her way back, her walk sprinkled with the odd grunt or groan, it took everything in him not to put April in some kind of restraint. She was going to burn a hole in this floor until the baby fell through it.

"Okay, you just relax, alright? You know the drill. You're gonna feel my hand…" _Alright buddy, you've had it in there for a little too long…_

"Okay, Warren, let's wrap it up," she said impatiently

"Sorry. I just—I-I can't. I don't know what I'm—"

"Come on. You've done a pelvic before, haven't you?" Next to her Alex sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, plenty, plenty, but t-this doesn't feel right."

"Of course it doesn't feel right. It's not Bailey's junk. Either you suck it up or trade places with me so we can get this going," he muttered. A little late for it now but watching Warren try and play hero made Alex wish he'd just shoved April into his car and drove, even if she did end up having the baby in the front seat.

"Don't tell me it doesn't feel right! It's my freaking cervix. Just check how dilated it is, and get out of my va—"

"A-april. April, it's a foot. I feel a foot." _Shit_. Just like that he'd gone and jinxed her. When this was all said and done, if something went wrong with this baby, he'd be blaming it on Wilson for making him even think about something like this.

"No," she whispered.

"It's breech. It's a footling breech. And—And I feel a cord." It took every cell in his body not to spring up and trade places with him, solely based on the idea that he already had a finger hovering over Addison's number.

"Dammit Warren."

"No. No. Is there a pulse? Answer me!" As much as he wanted to provide April with at least moderate reassurance, just looking at him made Alex angry. He was just so freaking shaky and unsure. This was not the person he wanted delivering April's baby. He wanted experience, he needed grace under pressure. This guy had absolutely none of that, even out of his scrubs.

"I don't think so." Well that did it. A well-trained ear to her subtleties told Alex she was minutes from a complete meltdown. And honestly, why the hell not? Robbins promised her a healthy baby and now they were stuck here wondering if it was even gonna freaking live.

"You don't think so?! What the fuck are you actually doing? Get out. I got this," he growled, his advances only stopped by an iron fist around his wrist.

"No you don't. You're staying right here. So my baby's gonna die?" Oh for godsake. The one time she decides to be blunt and not get all flowery about it. The words themselves weren't going to do anything for Ben. If anything at all he would just get more nervous than he already was. April would probably make herself cry, which, as much as he'd come to accept that about her, was the last thing any of them needed to deal with right now.

"No. No April. No. It just means that it's not getting all the blood that it could be and that—that we have to get the baby out as fast as possible so we can get the pressure off the cord." Well look at that, maybe the idiot had learned something useful. Of course it was all stuff that they all knew anyway but whatever. In her frazzled state of mind she'd just gone ahead and thought the absolute worst. A lot like him actually but he wasn't going to entertain that right now either.

"So I need a C-section as soon as possible. So…the light is better in the kitchen." Oh geez. This kid was going to have one hell of a story to hear when they were old enough. Not that April would be the one to tell it. That responsibility was likely all his and depending on what this baby decided to be, that story wasn't going to be told for a long time.

"Wait what, no. I am not giving you a C-section. Look, there's an ambulance coming."

"Not fast enough, moron. It's pissing down rain and this baby's coming now." Even while insulting him, he went ahead and did the math in his head. If Addison caught the first flight now…No. Maybe if she met them at the hospital she would eventually have to go to…Nodding as a way to congratulate himself, he sent a garbled one-handed text to his former mentor hoping she could make sense of it fast enough. As long as Arizona had been doing stuff with brand new babies, Montgomery had been doing it all her life. She, better than anyone he knew could handle all kinds of disastrous births.

"Ben, we all know it doesn't matter," she said desperately. If he wasn't so desperately needed Alex would be taking the knife himself. Being forced onto the other side of the equation, he could only hope that Warren had at least a couple of moments of common sense.

"I'm not doing it. I can't. We'll get you to the hospital." Yeah…the one on the other side of town while this baby is probably already crowning or…dead.

"My baby is dying, its blood supply is cut off and it's going to die!" April shrieked, moments from releasing Alex's trapped hand so he could have his chance at actually listening to anything she was saying.

"There is an ambulance coming!"

"We don't have time for that! Haven't you been fucking listening? Goddammit Warren! Help me get her to the kitchen and make the freaking cut. I would do it myself but I'm not an idiot. April needs me here and I need you right there. Get this baby out of her or a swear to god…" he warned, his voice thickening with unexpected emotion. Even in her scattered words and erratic breathing she could hear Alex's tone change almost suddenly prompting her to return the favour in offering some kind of comfort in this mess.

"Even if they were here they wouldn't be able to help me! You can."

"I-it's coming. It's coming," he mumbled, well aware that the three of them might as well be stranded on an island until he got this baby out. Finally coming to the reluctant conclusion didn't stop his hands from shaking though. Something he would have to keep both April and Alex from seeing. The peds surgeon was already prepared to go to jail for murder and April? She really just looked ready to fold over and cry. With his own heart drumming in his ears, Ben started the frantic search for any degree of medical aid. As luck would have it, they were right in the middle of the home of a surgical legend. Finding medical supplies couldn't be that hard. After quickly searching through drawers and doors, his pulse started to even out when he finally got his hands on several of Elis Grey's kits. He wasn't even sure how old any of this stuff was but for now it had to be enough. "Alright, now listen. There's no anaesthesia. Ice is all we've got so the pain's gonna—The pain's gonna be bad."

"You were knee-deep in 'bad' before I even got in the door," Alex pointed out.

"You're not helping my focus, Karev."

"You're not helping my girlfriend," he shot back.

* * *

For someone who didn't give a moment's thought to signs and warnings, Louise's selective memory felt like a jolt of reality now. April was in labour, smack in the middle of Meredith's living room and Ben of all people was going to deliver his baby. Or at the very least make damn sure it didn't die. Surviving another loss would literally kill him before he had a chance to think that he might be making it out the other side.

"Wait, why is she at Meredith's? I gotta get my keys." No amount of rain was going to keep him from the birth of his child. He had enough money to pay off any ticket thrown his way. Short of getting himself arrested, he was determined to make it back to that house.

"No, no, there's no time. Here." The usually composed Bailey was at least half as nervous as Jackson already was. Too consumed with making sure Warren actually got his baby out alive, he made a mental note to thank Arizona later.

"Right. You rotate the baby in utero—face down. No I know. The position will look different than you've seen." On the other end of the line, Ben struggled once more to hide his shaking hands. He hadn't even made the damn cut yet and already he wanted to be at the part where the baby was just here.

"April, April. Hey, April. Can she hear me?" he asked, his words doing summersaults over one another just so he could get them out fast enough.

"Jackson, Jackson! Jackson I'm here," she called, more frantically than she ever thought she would again. Then again, she hadn't exactly envisioned bringing a baby into the world in such a risky way. The most adventurous any of them were supposed to get was dropping their baby ina field and those were soft and at least somewhat reliable.

"Okay, okay I'm right here," he assured.

"Ha! Jackpot." Not ideal obviously but it would have to do for now. Knowing the late Dr. Grey, none of this stuff could be that old.

"What?" she and Alex both asked together, the pediatric attending already out of any little bit of patience he tried hard to hang onto.

"It's an old medical bag. It must've been her mom's. There's some gauze and uh,-ha, ha!—a scalpel."

"Alright, get on with it already," he muttered. Every second wasted was one they could be using to save this baby's life. And here was Ben, throwing a party over an instrument he'd seen every damn day of his career.

"Karev? Y-you're there with April?" As surprised as he sounded, Jackson realized it kind of made sense. Why he wasn't at the wedding that everyone else had been invited to didn't really matter to him yet. At least for the next few minutes, he let himself be grateful that at least one of them was there for her.

"Kinda live together but yeah, I'm here with her." Why he had never put two and two together didn't make any sense. There was also the chance that he actually had and just chose to deny the whole thing.

"Th-That's good. You think you could uh…" As many times as he'd thanked Karev for doing him a solid in the past, when it came to April he just couldn't find the words. The physical wounds were still too fresh, even for him, the one who thought it would be better to just walk away. Because in the end, it was going to hurt either way. They were going to hurt each other, maybe more than they already had.

"If you need a minute to talk, now isn't the time," Alex snapped.

"N-no, I mean…Just—Just hold her hand." _I was doing that anyway?_ "Please don't leave her." If he didn't know any better, Jackson sounded almost pathetic. Or maybe this was his way of dancing around some kind of blessing or something. Not that he was looking for one in the first place. What he and April did in the bounds of their own relationship had absolutely nothing to do with him.

"Got nowhere to be," he shrugged. Nowhere else he _wanted_ to be for that matter.

"N-no, that's…That's not…" _Oh for shitsake._ He really wanted to have it out about this _now_? Did everything these two did have to be this dramatic all the time?

"Why the hell would I do that? I'm not the one who ran, Avery." Still completely focused on April, he had to find something to shut Jackson up for long enough. Knocking his ego down to nothing would keep him small for at least five minutes.

"Guys!" The sound of her voice nearly snapped Alex's neck, Jackson ready and waiting to tend to ao woman who wasn't even there. Turning to Warren, she let herself fill with at least a little bit of hope. If he had any chance of pulling this off, somebody had to believe in him. Clearly it wasn't going to be either of the men in this room. "And some lidocaine?"

"Hey Warren, what do you have to pack her with?" Arizona finally piped in.

"Dish towels. Can you feel that?"

"Yeah." Unfortunately, she could and was going to feel every single moment of this ordeal.

"Ben, I need you to promise me something, okay? If you feel like you're gonna lose me. If I'm bleeding out you…

"Shut up," Alex snarled. "Nobody's gonna die."

"No," Ben echoed.

"...you make sure that this baby is okay."

"April, do not," he warned, emphasizing his answer with a tight squeeze of her hand, fully intent on anchoring her to the table if he really had to.

"Ben, don't listen to her, okay?" Jackson said frantically. Wow….The first thing they'd agreed on in months.

"She's talking crazy," he added, his lip twisting into the slightest smirk.

"You save her."

"You save both of them," Alex corrected.

"You promise me you will save this baby, no matter what."

"Ben, okay?!" The surgeon let his co-worker spout off as much as he wanted, every ounce of this remaining energy drained into making sure April made it off this table with her baby in her arms.

"Alright, shh…You're both going to be fine. Just let him cut. Then you can…Just breathe." When Miranda's voice finally cut through the line, Ben couldn't help thinking that it was the first time he'd heard his wife speak in months. She wasn't barking at him. She was actually encouraging him. That's what it felt like anyway.

"Warren, you have got this. You have got them both." Remembering that Robbins had in fact walked them through this hell, he quietly sent Addison another few 9-1-1s just to be on the safe side.

"Ben please. Okay?"

"Everybody just quiet. Please." Whoever had given him steady hands in those next few seconds was going to get a lineup of gratitude. As much as he hated the idea of Ben cutting into his girlfriend, he couldn't actually watch him try and get the baby out. Instead he chose to focus on her face, alternating between his palm and the back of his fingers to caress her beaded skin.

"Keep your eyes right here," he murmured, squeezing her fingers in hopes that she remembered not to let go of his hand. Finally able to realize and react to the warm tears slowly making their way down her face, he sighed, the heaviness of his breath meant to distract him from the fact that his heart was coming apart inside his chest. "I'm right here…"

"Miranda? I'm gonna do this, alright? I have to do this, alright?"

"I know. Ben, don't hang up." He heard the scream before registering the slice made by the knife, his closely kept emotions finally coming loose behind his eyes. Not until now had he realized that she was doing every minute of this on her own, with no help from any certified medical equipment. That's why, when her tiny body gave into the pain, he let her grip loosen, a change that only served to intensify his. When the world around him went almost completely silent, Alex Karev finally allowed himself a moment to pray.

* * *

"Please know that I did my best." He still wasn't entirely sure how he'd gotten here. One minute he was holding onto April for dear life and the next they were trying to take her away from him. Ben's weak words only seemed to fill him with rage. Sure he'd done "his best", but she was still on that fucking table clinging to life.

"I know. I do." Of course Avery was forgiving. He hadn't actually _been_ there. He didn't feel April's life leave her body. He didn't see her face twist when she screamed and cried out in more pain than he ever imagined on the worst of his enemies. Alex himself wasn't ready for that. Until he knew for certain that they were both going to be okay, he couldn't say _anything_ , all of his words caked up in his throat.

"She's stable. Addison is closing so..." Jackson looked up, more than curious to hear the name he'd only heard mentioned a handful of times. He remembered seeing her number and general information hand written on the list of recommendations but he hadn't actually seen her in person. Not easy seeing as she lived in the next state.

"Your baby girl has a very strong mother." Next to him, Alex looked up, his ears finally beginning to open back up. A girl. April had given birth to a little girl. They—She and Jackson had a…As much as they all knew this day was coming, hearing the words made all of this even more real. The fact that Addison herself had hand-delivered the little bundle was even more surprising. Yeah he'd heard her name but he figured that was a stretch of his hopeful imagination. Watching her be placed in her father's arms, Alex found himself shuffling back, hoping to give the two a little bit of space. From his place on the wall, he was once again slapped with a sudden reality. The baby was here.

Now was his chance to either duck out gracefully and hope that the two found a way to work it out—for her—or stick around for once. Feeling a knot take shape in his chest, the answer was almost too obvious. Just the idea of leaving April…Leaving the baby made him feel like an even bigger ass than he already was. Dare he admit that thoughts like those even hurt. A lot. And why wouldn't it? The little girl's mother had made him feel more than he ever had in close to forty years.

"Hey Karev, come here a minute." As skeptical as he was to have Jackson call him over, he found his own legs moving, a little bit of excitement building at the idea of being able to really see that small little bit of April in someone so brand new.

"Yeah?" Without another word, the little girl was placed carefully into his arms, the sudden but slight weight of her almost making the surgeon lose his own footing. Avery of all people had offered to let him put his hands on his daughter. On top of that, he was met with the brightest pair of green eyes he'd ever freaking seen. It didn't even matter then that he wasn't looking at April. He wasn't sure what had the other doctor convinced but, knowing how easily he could claim her on just her eyes alone, there was a lot to be said in the fact that he'd even been allowed to touch her at all.

"She's got your eyes," he whispered.

"Yeah she does," he replied.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Aaaaaaand, we're back. If you're wondering where I've been, the answer is here. Waiting a whole summer to get you an update. As there was absolutely no time jump, it made sense to just wait and see what else they gave us first. Updates following will come out weekly as they did before. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

Even if it would likely exist for only a few moments, the rare silence that followed the exchange went without its usual cloud of hostility. Maybe what people said about babies had some truth to it. The fact that she was now a living, breathing person wasn't going to take away from their stiff existence. But at least for sixty seconds, both Alex and Jackson could drink in what April insisted was "the miracle of life". Handing the baby back to her father, Alex found himself wondering how such a tiny person could cause such a freaking uproar. He'd seen it first-hand at work every day. But when that child was your own (or in his case one whose mother he had come to care deeply about) the knots wound themselves around your insides so much tighter.

"Could you uh….Let her know that I had to head back to the loft for a couple of things? I mean, if she wakes up looking for me or something." Jackson nodded absently, his gaze completely transfixed on the baby's sleep-ridden expression. The surgeon's lack of interest wasn't anything new but it still made him feel uneasy. "She was amazing back there," he mumbled, not sure what more he could say.

"Mhm…" he mumbled, the baby's hand finding its way around his thumb.

"You got a name for her yet?" He figured they might as well take advantage of their friendliness.

"A few….I'm not sure what she's decided," he whispered. Alex rolled his lip, trying to keep his next comment tucked far under his tongue so as not to speak it, no matter how much he wanted to.

"It'll be good," he said.

"As long as it's nothing churchy we're good," Jackson countered, the first remark in hours that made the man sound anything like himself.

"Don't give her a hard time if she suggests anything. She puts a lot into that kind of thing. If how that baby got here says anything, maybe it's not all crap," he shrugged. Blinking rapidly, the new father turned sharp on his heel.

"You're still encouraging that?" he scoffed. Alex gave another small shrug, his gaze travelling from the newborn to her dad.

"When you're bleeding out in an elevator, you start questioning a lot of things," he mumbled. "When the plane you were supposed to be on takes a nose dive and almost wipes out your entire family, you wonder. When you're the one who was supposed to die not once, but twice, it's worth looking into that maybe she's not just making it up." Avery quietly rolled his eyes, hovered over the small child protectively, as if to fend off what they both knew was unavoidable. Alex had learned quickly how much it meant to April. Jackson still seemed to go about his day hoping they would just never talk about it ever. "Whatever. Just let her know I'll be back." Turning toward the automatic doors, he ran a hand over his faced, almost able to feel the creases of exhaustion on his fingers.

* * *

The key to his small living space sat heavy in his pocket. For days now he tried to find the appropriate time to just leave it under a mat or in a coffee cup. All of his belongings were shoved in a closet in Meredith's house anyway. If he was being completely honest, he could go without the two or three items he was going back for. She could have them. But there was still the issue of the damn key. Since she was the one who found it, paid for it, the spare really belonged to Jo. It wasn't like he ever planned to use it again. In and out in under five minutes. Three was a standing record he couldn't help being at least a little bit proud of. Maybe to some comparing it to holding your breath under water was a little bit stupid. But with each passing day, Alex couldn't fight the feeling of drowning if he tried. The good (or really shitty thing depending on how you looked at it) about this was knowing that she would hardly notice a damn thing. Turning the lock, he leaned against the door with a look of disgust.

Not even a day before, they'd been fighting. She thought a baby would put off the inevitable. As for Alex, he just wanted a goddamn answer already. It didn't even matter that he already knew what it would be. Watching the words take shape and come out of her mouth would make everything final. Maybe tossing the ring out the window and onto the street would be closure enough. Or maybe he just felt the need to say some kind of…goodbye or whatever. Some kind of reverse guilt from what Izzie had done to him. Just…left. Wrote him a letter and left. Facing her, trying to have a conversation with her made him bigger on principle alone.

"Hey, I'm just here to…." Giggling. Jo Wilson was not a giggler. Not unless she was…well, completely plastered. The surgeon shrugged. Tonight, and in the ones to follow, drunk or sober she was no longer his problem. That job was April's now and comparatively speaking, Kepner would hardly be considered a problem. The minute the doctor set foot in what used to be their bedroom, he froze, every muscle in his body gone rigid as the fire built from the bottom up at the pit of his stomach. Before he could even process a word, a single thought, Andrew DeLuca was slammed against the kitchen counter.

"Get the hell off of her you sick son of a bitch!" Somewhere in the wash of blur, he heard his name, choked on by tears he'd seen a lot of lately. _Make it so the bastard can't walk and maybe…just maybe he'll get the hint_. After several minutes, the room fell silent, the only hint of any sound coming in the form of a muffled cry he'd heard one too many times.

"Alex!" Not for the first time it sounded like fucking knives. The panic, the hurry to say something, anything. "Alex, you have to let me explain!" Despite the snarl that shaped in his throat, he rolled his eyes. Wasn't she tired of explaining? Did they not have some version of the same freaking argument at least five times a day for the last month and a half?

"Save it," he snapped. When the surgeon's body finally went limp, time seemed to stand still. Blinking quickly enough to take the sand out of his eyes wasn't doing shit for him now. But he went with it anyway. Eventually his body would just catch up. His mental faculties would kick in and he would get his body back. His arms would lose at least 80 percent of their weight and his legs might actually have a shot at moving the way they were supposed to.

"What the hell did you do?!" He had at least fifteen logical explanations for his initial intention, but absolutely nothing to make sense of DeLuca's motionless body, for the moment no better than a full-sized doll. All he had done was get him off of her. At worst maybe he shattered a couple of bones. No real harm there. He'd be good in a couple of weeks maybe but no more than a month. "Alex…You're bleeding…" He was what? It was when he noted the crimson worn like boxing gloves that his hands began to shake violently. _Hands…More hands….So many hands…._

"Don't touch me!" he snarled throwing off what was meant to be a reassuring gesture.

"We-We have to clean off the blood…" He couldn't quite make sense of the next few moments, for when Jo quietly took his folded hands, he couldn't find an ounce of fight inside him. He was numb. Every bone and working muscle lay coated in a filmy substance that rendered everything immobile. Of his initial senses, the first to return was sensation. Was that even considered a sense? Whatever. At the very least he realized the warm water and the pools of red that raced to the drain. With the room gone silent once more, Alex could swear he felt his bones clashing together occasionally. The thought made even less sense than the others. You couldn't actually hear anyone's bones under a protective layer of skin.

"My legs…" he whispered, the warning meant for no one in particular. Slowly lowered to a chair, his head fell like a heavy stone into his hands, the chance to rest his feet allowing everything to come at him in one fell swoop. "I…I have to take him in," he slowly realized, the admission more unsure than anything Jo had ever heard come out of his mouth.

"Are you _crazy_? You all but slaughtered the man right in our living room! We're going to have to wait for the police. _The police_. The very thought of those uniforms made his chest tighten.

"No. I…I have to take him to the hospital. I have to…I have to fix this." Jo slowly shook her head, taking the opportunity to hold his face between her hands. The attempt at a single gesture held for all of five seconds before Alex flinched, backing away slowly. Even when she tried to hide it, the resident wore several seconds of emotion before locking the vault more tightly. "Don't…touch me," he repeated. "I…I have to think. I can't think when you've got your freaking hands all over me." Jo raised a steady brow, trying to decide if Alex just called her a slut or not.

"I vote we sit and wait. We wait for the police. They'll know what to do."

"Call 9-1-1. Now!" The rise in his words made the usually put together woman jump. No matter how many fights they'd been in over the years, she'd only ever been genuinely frightened two separate times, both taking place within hours of each other. At least this wasn't exactly a fight. This was Alex and fear, a combination Jo had seen only a handful of times. Even as her fingers shook, she found herself dialing as ordered. Once nervously rattling off the address, she turned to help him assess the damage.

"What the hell did you do?" she repeated incredulously.

"I just saved your life," he muttered. Wilson's brow came up even higher. Beating the living shit out of another guy fell under saving her life? They weren't even doing anything. Were they? She'd gone out with the intention of getting drunk enough to leave her mind completely blank. And Andrew brought her home. That was the only explanation that accounted for why he was physically in their apartment. Only moments later, Alex had completely lost it, becoming more aggressive than she'd ever seen in her life. Clearly, he the beast stayed dormant until the situation called. It wasn't even this bad when he "took care" of Jimmy.

With a mind finally set to spin, he couldn't form a single question. None that he could say out loud anyway, the pressure of their current existence giving him a headache. He had so many of them. What the hell was DeLuca doing with Jo? Was April okay? Did she know where he'd gone? Could she even think to try and forgive him for any of this once she heard? The even bigger question concerned blood. Who did it belong to and why in the world was there so much of it? Even though his head weighed an astonishing fifty pounds, he heard them. The sirens were coming closer. He knew the EMTs would have their own inquiry but he was still trying to sort it out for himself.

"I'm fine," he muttered ripping away his hand when one of them took it without asking. "Just step on the damn gas. Grey-Sloan Memorial." The responder nodded.

"I'm going to have my partner take a look at that hand." The words sounded like they were coming out of a barrel but the combination still left him rigid. His hand was fine. DeLuca's face was a disaster. As they sped down the road, he blinked, trying to clear the fog from his eyes and mind. Blood. There was so much blood. Everywhere. If he didn't know any better he would think he had enough of it to transfuse him with. And he would, if not for the fact that there was no opening. It was also worth noticing that the red still poured from every hole in his face. Putting it all back in was near impossible.

* * *

"What do we got?"

"We got a male, mid-20s. Status post-blunt trauma to the face and neck." The web of terms was finally coming back to him. Working as a surgeon for over a decade didn't take away from the fact that they were so damn big. Maybe that was another reason he'd fallen back on pediatrics. Doctors had to use words and metaphor that kids would understand. Back in the day he appreciated that. But DeLuca wasn't Aaron. He sure as hell wasn't Amber. He was just the man who was ready to rape a woman with too much alcohol in her system to know any better. That realization somehow made breathing easier.

"Oh, my god. DeLuca." Cross. Cross and his head of woolly blonde hair. Half the time he didn't know the first thing about being a doctor. Was he really the best resident to put on this case? There was also the possibility that he was friends with the patient. That would make him even more unsure of himself. _"Everyone in the room is her damn family"._ The return of those words felt like a kick to the face. He hadn't been there for Meredith until after the fact. This was his redemption, his do-over. Jo may not be his girlfriend, but she was a girl. A girl who looked like she was in trouble. As a doctor that was his primary concern.

"Possible zygomatic fracture, a broken nose. He might have a brain injury." Only after stringing those words together did Alex feel it. The wind knocked right out of him. He had done this. He'd done all of this. He could be the reason DeLuca never operated again. He wasn't exactly the guy's number one fan but a surgeon was a surgeon. They all cut for the very same reason. To feel alive. And right now, Andrew was good as dead.

"What happened?"

"We'll need a CT. All right, let's get him to Trauma One. Page Avery!" Maybe once he fixed some of this, they would be paying too much attention to Alex saving his life than the fact that he'd almost ended it.

Jo Wilson stood there motionless, unable to even process a single thought. All she could do was watch paint peel. That was safe enough. She could do nothing wrong in simply watching life happen around her. She found herself sinking to the floor, gaze zeroed in on the ring of blood across it. If she looked close enough, there were probably bits of it on the wall too. Maybe if she sat here long enough, stared hard enough, this would all come together in a nightmare. She'd had so many of those that she really just called it dreaming now. Good or bad, she always woke up. In a few minutes she would be sitting up in bed with perfectly steady hands. If she just…closed her eyes. She silently counted to sixty before peeking out of them, the heart in her chest practically throwing itself around her ribcage. This was really happening. This really _had_ just happened. Her former boyfriend beating the living crap out of another man. She'd seen it once before, only that was saved for a man who'd hurt him. A man who deserved it. Truth of the matter was that Wilson deserved those broken bones. Jo deserved to be gushing blood. Instead he'd done it to a man. A good man. A man who just wanted to make sure she got home safely.

"Meredith," she barely whispered. The woman might hate her with every fiber of her being but at least in that she wasn't alone. Not tonight anyway. But as much as it hurt, as much as she wanted to tear at her own skin for her own horrendous mistakes, she had a duty to try and fix this. She had to try and make Alex understand. No one knew how to do that better than Meredith Grey.

* * *

Watching Amelia and Owen out on the dance floor, Meredith finally gave herself a moment to be consumed with her original distaste. As much as it infuriated her to admit it, Alex had a point. It wasn't a great one but it was still a point. She could be mad about it tomorrow. Right now, the couple was happy. So disgustingly happy. Her best hope was to have her pager go off so she could get roped into an amazing surgery. An escape tactic that didn't make her out to be a complete bitch. It didn't exactly work well with the good sister act she was trying on but at least it was honest. Nathan asking her to dance wasn't going to change any of that. If anything it just made things even more complicated than they already were. Because of Maggie. The sigh of relief that slipped from her when her ringer went off would make even Alex roll his eyes.

"Hold this. My phone is ringing. "Looking down at the caller ID she sighed. "Jo. Hey, Wilson. What's up?" The question felt like some kind of key to the floodgates, frantic and broken words pouring out of the woman at a speed that made her head hurt. "Wilson. Slow down, slow down, slow down. Take a breath. What happened to DeLuca?" Her explanation sounded no better than gibberish, the gush now replaced by a web of explosive and sporadic sobs. _"Alex punched DeLuca"_. _Alex did what?_ she thought electing to ignore the rest of it. The last time her friend took out a fist on anyone, they were _in_ a hospital, making damage control that much easier to handle. ' _Alex punched DeLuca'_ Oh hell. She would have to tell her. Maggie, the sister who puked rainbows and had rays of sunshine coming out of her ass almost all the time. Thankfully, she found her sitting with Richard. Richard Webber, former chief of surgery. A great man to have around in times of crisis.

"Something has happened to DeLuca," she said quickly hoping Pierce would just let her leave it there. What had happened and where he was were the only words she could pick out among the crying mess.

"What?"

"He's in the ER. He's been hurt. That's all I know." Her sister got to her feet surprisingly fast for a guy she was clearly broken up with. For the sake of simplicity she decided her speed had more to do with the fact that she was a surgeon than anything else.

"I should go. Should I go?" Pierce stammered, still wondering if her presence was even going to do anything for him. Staying here and watching the wedded couple in all of their glory made more sense than sitting at Andrew's bedside. He wouldn't even want her there. Not after what she'd done to him.

"You should go. She's been drinking. Can you drive her?" She didn't even think to see who she'd handed her off to. It was enough that someone agreed to, giving her the time and space to figure out what the hell she was going to do about Alex.

* * *

"God."

"What happened?" Great. Dr. Bailey. The last thing he wanted to do was try explaining this to her. Once he had answers for himself, a valid reason for taking the man's entire face off for a woman he was no longer with, then he would talk. Until then…Until then he was a doctor. Once he opened his mouth about it, he would just be Alex, the 15 year old kid who took out his dad for beating on his mom.

"Broken nose. Bleeding posteriorly. I paged Avery." The guy liked him even less now but he really had no other option. Jackson Avery was DeLuca's only hope at keeping a decently good face. He himself didn't give a dam about the resident's face but he was the one who took it apart. The least he could do was restore some kind of dignity. He already felt shitty enough. Not giving him the best chance at normal just made him feel worse.

"No. Karev, what happened to him?" _Me. I happened to him._

"He's got a hyphema the anterior chamber of his eye's filled with blood." Warren sighed. Yeah, that was good. That was good. Better. She couldn't kill her husband for being a doctor. Not after he'd just redeemed himself. But Alex, she could kill him. He knew it wouldn't be the first time she wanted to. Tonight, he just might let her. "DeLuca. Look up for me. Yeah, it's entrapped." _Dammit_.

"I'm here, I'm here. What the hell?" Jackson mumbled.

"Looks like an orbital floor fracture with entrapment," Alex provided.

"Who did this?" Thankfully the room was too crowded for other doctors to notice any changes to Karev's expression. His face was hardened, more determined than ever to keep the answer in his mouth.

"Head and face CT are pending. Look, can you just reset his nose, please?" How long before somebody noticed the obvious? It was only a matter of time, the guilt and embarrassment thickening with every minute gone by.

Walking up to the closed door, Meredith kept her hand on the door handle, allowing herself a moment's hesitation before sliding it open. She took a minute to assess the room, relieved to see that he hadn't torn it to pieces.

"What happened, Jo?" she asked, her tendency toward calm in crisis that wasn't her own finally washing over her. The same three questions spun tight circles around her head, neither of them tied to answers that left her satisfied.

"He shouldn't have come back here," she cried. Much like the one in question, she hadn't seen Jo do a lot of crying. The fact that she was currently unintelligible gave her a good idea of how deeply her friend had buried himself.

"Who shouldn't have come back here?"

"Here you go. Just take it easy." Richard's voice was, as usual, stupidly calm. He had to be if he was going to survive being chief of surgery for as long as he had. But for now….For now his fatherly demeanor wasn't helping anyone. Jo sipped at the glass of water slowly, her hands so unsteady Meredith wondered if she might let the glass fall to the floor and shatter.

"Jo, where is Alex now?" Might as well just get right to it. When no words made it out of her mouth, the surgeon scowled with frustration. If she wasn't sure how to find him, how the hell was she supposed to help clean up his mess?

"Now is not the time," he whispered. Of course it was the time! Now was the perfect time! Considering the yo-yo the girl had made of her brother, the attending wasn't exactly in a mood to coddle. That was reserved for her kids. Jo Wilson was not a child. No matter how often she chose to behave like one. Letting off her own frustrated sigh, she got up off the couch, her gaze circling the room slowly. Blood on the floor. It didn't take a doctor to conclude who it belonged to. When Alex snapped, he took no mercy on the target of his rage.

"Will you stay with her?" she mumbled absently to her mentor. As angry as she still was with her, somebody had to stay with Jo. She didn't need the girl to have some kind of psychotic break over what she'd just witnessed.

"Me? She called you." _For Alex. She called me for Alex. I'm supposed to go fix Alex._

* * *

"I need to reduce his fractured septum," Jackson muttered. He could only stand by dumbly, watching as they worked to solve his problem.

"Bruising around the clavicle. There's an obvious deformity. He broke it." Knowing the amount of damage he'd caused was supposed to make him feel better about what he'd done. Why instead did it translate to crap? Complete crap.

"Alright, let's get a chest film. Start him on Lorazepam drip," he said trying to at least sound like the attending he was supposed to be. Because in that moment, feeling like a doctor, even if it wasn't the best one, was ten times better than feeling like Alex Karev. Alex Karev the impulsive ass who breaks people to feel better. Alex Karev the idiot who still chose to care enough about the woman who broke him to keep her from knowing what it felt like.

"Alright, on my count." Here he chose to hang back, keeping a hand on the bed, ready to move at his word.

"Alex, may I speak to you for a moment?" Even while he worked, the sound of her voice made everything go still, his heart beating against his ears. Once more he was reminded of just how different she and April were, at least right now. April made a point to keep him safe and for that he was thankful. But she couldn't handle this. Especially not after just having a kid. The rise in his friend's register let him know that he'd been caught red-handed and was about to dig himself an even bigger hole.

"We ready to go?" he asked impatiently. If she saw that he was busy, they could talk about this later. Much later.

"I got it."

"Alex?" _Not now…Please not now_.

"Alright, let's go." He barely managed half of a step before he heard it again, all the authority of an experienced mother coming through. He shook his head. Meredith may have only just started to understand herself as a mom but when it counted…she really pulled it off.

"Alex!" Before he was even fully rotated to face her, she had him by the arm, dragging him out like the child he clearly still was. "Say something!" she hissed. Anything to help her realize this wasn't _nearly_ as bad as it looked. Because right now, she was reminded too much of Izzie and her attempt at playing God. Not so much the idea of trying to save Denny's life but the sheer determination to keep at it, even when they all knew it would end terribly.

"What do you want me to say?" he sighed. He had nothing to account for his blind rage. At least not something anyone but Meredith was going to see sense in. And even then, she wasn't the one who punched the guy. That was him. All him.

"You think no one is gonna realize this is you? Look at that hand." He didn't have to set eyes on it to know how bad it looked. The pulse that almost ripped through his skin to compensate for the mangled mess was enough of an indication. "You could go to jail. This is assault." _You don't think I freaking know that?_ "I'm a doctor. I have a duty to report you to Bailey."

"I came home. He was on top of her. Jo was drunk. He was… He—Mer, come on. You're gonna turn me in to Bailey?" Wasn't it enough that he was trying to be honest with _her?_ In the last 12 years, they had all done so much worse than this. Izzie _deliberately_ stopped a man's heart. If this all went to crap, Alex will have done so by accident.

"You slipped in the rain. That's how you hurt your hand." He couldn't help but roll his eyes at least a little. They all lived in the rainiest state in America. If they didn't know how to avoid falling flat on their faces in the stuff by now…But what else did he have? At least until he could shape words and string sentences like the grown up he was supposed to be.

"Mer! Hey, have you seen Andrew? I heard it's bad. They said it's bad."

"They're taking him to CT," she sighed. The confession she'd just been handed was almost screaming in her head, this version of Alex such a step down from the man he'd become that she almost laughed at the differences.

"Oh my god. What happened?"

"I don't know…" she said. Because in many respects she had no idea what came over him. Maggie blinked, trying to decide if calling Meredith out on her hesitation was even worth another one of their fights. Instead she walked helplessly as the woman walked farther and farther away, their priorities clearly nothing alike.

* * *

"DeLuca came into the ER, apparently beaten pretty badly. Can you tell me what happened?" Jo kept her eyes trained to the ceiling fan, narrowing her eyes periodically to offer intervals of annoyance. Didn't Richard understand that she didn't want to talk about it? Least of all with him. Add in the fact that he would always somehow be her boss and that just gave her even more reason to keep her mouth shut.

"I don't remember anything." At least some of that was true. Even though she had the clearest picture of what happened with Alex, everything else was blurry as hell. Watching him go after Andrew was like a slow motion action flick, those moments Hollywood puts in for dramatic effect. Only this wasn't a game. This wasn't entertainment. This was real life. Very real. What Alex had done would probably put him in jail. And all because he walked in on something that looked an awful lot like-

"Was he here with you?" She sighed. "Jo. Did DeLuca hurt you? Do I need to call the police? Did he try and—?" Wilson cringed. It wasn't enough that she had to think about it. Hearing Dr. Webber actually say it made her skin crawl.

"No. No. No. He—It wasn't his fault. It was my fault. I—I ruined it. I ruined everything." The best relationship she'd ever been a part of. That went up in the biggest cloud of smoke she'd ever seen in her life. If his initial thought was to hurt her, Alex had done a wonderful job. It wasn't enough that he'd slept with April Kepner. Worse was the fact that he seemed to still be doing it. He was doing it with a smile on his face. The fact that she was pregnant with another man's child hardly swayed him at all.

"How?"

"He brought me home and then I told him a—Oh my god." In seconds she was upright again, legs flung over the side of the bed. She had to find him. No matter what had become of them, he deserved to know the truth about what he'd seen. She may be angry and hurt beyond recognition for being forgotten but a man like him didn't belong in jail.

"What? What? You told him what?"

"I have to go to the hospital. I have to see Alex. I have to talk to—" An instinctive growl fell from her lips when Webber took her arm, the sound doing nothing to lessen his hold. Jo had to fight her every frazzled nerve to keep from throwing the older man's hand off of her. The last thing she wanted right now was to be touched. She didn't deserve to have anybody here for her, no matter how much she secretly appreciated it.

"No, you're not going to go anywhere. Now, is there someone I could call? Y-your mom or your dad?" A comment like that would have made her laugh. Until she realized that only Alex knew the extent of how much she'd lost. By comparison, a boyfriend was hardly anything. Just another someone she'd made the mistake of trusting.

"I don't ha—You don't know anything."

"I'm sorry. Wilson, who can I call?" Nobody. Richard could call nobody. Not only did she not want him to but it was really just her. Jo Wilson was and would now always be a one woman wrecking ball. A situation she'd created for herself really, but she didn't know how else to go about it. Until Alex. And now even that was done.

"Just please go." Her demand was nowhere near as confident as she wanted it to be but what more could the man really do? Her ex-boyfriend (that was still so damn difficult to say) went ahead and quite literally ripped another guy's head off for her. The most frustrating part of it was that she wasn't sure if he was acting as a man who once loved her or a good Samaritan. Whichever one he was meant to be, they both made her wanna puke.

"No. Not when you're like this." Listening to him play the part of a concerned parent made her wish the guy had actually raised his child. Situations were of course very, very different but that didn't change the fact that he would always be floating around trying to fill some kind of void. She wouldn't necessarily say that the two were even close to similar. Richard Webber chose surgery. Jo had no say in being left at a fire station. But here they were, trying to be for the other what life could never really allow them. Simply based on that, she concluded that her sense of frustration was very much validated. Still, he deserved better than to see his pseudo daughter of the moment acting less than professional.

"No, yes. Because I am drunk and gross and I am your surgeon. I'm one of your surgeons. I'm a good surgeon. This isn't me, so I just—I'm okay now. So I will see you again when I am a surgeon, okay? So just plea—" She knew she wasn't making any sense. She was slurred and confused beyond any realm of the imagination, her break up with Alex still a very slow bleed. It should feel different though, knowing what she knew about him. He was done with her long before any of this. So why the hell did he even bother coming back? He didn't have that much left. A couple of pairs of socks maybe. Medical journals that everyone working at the hospital had copies of. And kids. Good kids. Children he already loved on the basis that they belonged to a girl he would always love more. No, what they had wasn't romantic but it was a form of affection that Jo would never be able to give him. Because she wasn't Grey.

She wasn't even April. April Kepner the neurotic mess they quietly made fun of almost all the time. But even they had something. They bonded over almost dying but somehow that seemed so much more valuable than the fact that they both lead crappy lives. Oh wait…So did Meredith. Meredith had more than enough to make him feel at home. Even April made the cut. Their relationship had pretty much fallen out of the sky but whatever. Kepner….Kepner had….Even thinking her name made the woman's stomach twist. It meant throwing up for the next six months she couldn't help but think about it. The redhead used to _annoy_ him. Piss him off, even. It had to be the baby. The baby was the only sudden change that made her the least bit likable to him. But she'd offered the same. She wanted to have a baby with him. She just couldn't get married. And April…April thrived on the idea of marriage. It made people like her giddy. But did Alex really want it _that_ badly? _God…_

"He misunderstood…DeLuca was making sure I got home okay, that's all. I had a little bit too much to drink. Stephanie was there and she…" Well, her friend was there to forget for an entirely different reason. The fact that she was even willing to sit and have a drink with the friend that missed killing the man she loved by the thinnest hair made Edwards an even bigger person than the two of them combined. "She was supposed to—Can you just get the hell out? Please. "

"No, no, no. You drank too much, okay? You screwed up and now everything is crashing down around you." _Great observation skills, doc…_

"Just go," she repeated, wondering just how many times he had to hear it to respect her wishes.

"Hey, hey. Well, you came to the right guy. Because I've done it more than you ever will. And I can tell you from experience…With a little coffee and a little sunlight, your troubles will get smaller. And the world will keep standing. I promise. Okay?" So….What did that mean for someone who wanted to _keep_ drinking. She'd slept off the last little bit. She'd gotten over it. Sort of. Given the…updated situation, she was way too sober for any of it.

"Okay. I have coffee," she said quietly, trying to give him a convincing smile. If Webber was properly distracted, made to think he was being helpful, she could just…

"Good," she heard floating through from the other room. "We'll get you some food and some aspirin and you'll feel better. " She already did. Up and changed and headed for the front door. She just had to stay really quiet about it. "And it will come back to you. And whatever happened, you can tell me. Or you can tell me who you'd like to talk to. Sound alright?" Letting him at least finish his naïve thought, she let the door close quietly behind her.

* * *

"What's wrong?" For a split second she forgot she had company. The fact that the company was Nathan Riggs made this even more of a mess than it already was. And he was good at the concerned friend thing too which was just…

"Nothing. It's…weird. We broke up. Badly. I-I-I'm not sure if I'm the person he wants to see." The pause she permitted for what should have been something encouraging stayed as it was, making the shaking of her head in disbelief at her own behaviour that much easier. "Forget it. I'm being crazy."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Nothing. I just thought you were still with him." That for some reason made Maggie smile.

"With DeLuca? Me?" she laughed. "No. You thought that?"

"Well yeah," he shrugged. "I mean, you were very—"

"No! He broke—We broke—It ended," she stammered. For just a moment she had to remind herself why. In retrospect it was probably really stupid. He could be dying…or dead right now while the two of them stood here talking and the last conversation she'd even had with him was…that.

"Okay."

"It was just too hard, you know, with us working together—"God, even _she_ could hear the lie on her own tongue.

"Yeah well, I get that."

"Not that it couldn't work at work with work people. I think it can. It could with the right work people." Alright, now she just came off as pathetic. The worst part was Riggs just let her keep going, probably enjoying the idea of her being a complete airhead in his presence. Coming up to the swinging door, everything in Peirce's body ceased function for well over a second before accelerating to unhealthy speeds. She could focus on this. Yes. She could try and fix this, the erratic beating of her heart, her heavy breathing. Then she wouldn't have to feel drawn to Andrew's lifeless body laid up in a hospital bed. _"_ Oh god. Hi. It's Maggie. I'm here. Has he been conscious?" An introduction that seemed kind of pointless but oh well.

"He was on intake, but we had to tube him," Ben mumbled.

"What's it look like?" Maggie had completely forgotten her ride until he spoke, willing to ask the question she just couldn't yet. Because putting a name to it made what she saw that much more real. And the fact that this was far from a broken hand or cracked rib just made the whole thing so unreal. Despite much better judgement, she carefully took his hand, still wondering if she should even be here.

"His head CT's clear, but he does have an eight ball hyphema," Jackson said.

"Who did this?" The question felt so much heavier than it should be, but unlike Andrew, she actually had a right to her sensations. Once out of consciousness, he would feel _everything_ , a notion that made her heart hurt for him.

"We don't know."

"Karev brought him in, but we haven't heard what happened yet. Actually we should find out who we need to call. I'm gonna go grab his personnel file." Maggie shook her head. There was no need for that. The person on file was someone she already had preprogrammed into her phone.

"His mother. She's probably at work. I'll call her. She knows me." For some reason that little tidbit of knowledge made her smile. At least in the time that they were together, she was deemed important enough to meet her boyfriend's mother. _And then you went and screwed all of that up_ she thought.

* * *

"How is he? Is there a brain injury?" Alex didn't need Meredith's sigh to let him know how bad this was. Even if it had nothing to do with the scans and what was on them, there was no question that she was disappointed. He was still kicking himself in the ass for even going to the loft at all. If he had just stayed with April and the baby…If he had just left well enough alone. He didn't go back to _fix_ anything. He wanted to just be done with it. All of it. All of her.

"He just got out of CT."

"Did you see his scan?" he asked frantically. He'd already spend hours burning a hole in the floor over this whole thing. He needed to know that the guy would at least survive what he'd done. If he went to jail for it, screw it. He was bread for this kind of thing anyway. Maybe breaking up with Wilson was some kind of sign. Maybe the fact that there were parts of April still healing over Avery meant something.

"Well no, but the radiologist said they're clear." That didn't mean crap honestly. The radiologist could just be talking out of his ass.

"Will you look? Will you look at it yourself?" As bad as he knew this was, he knew he could trust Meredith's judgement well over any nobody in radiology. Even if it was their job to take the stupid pictures.

"Alex, they said—"

"What if they're missing something? What if—What if he has a delayed bleed and drops dead tomorrow?" As much as he wished that in the heat of the moment, coming to terms with the fact that he'd basically become a raging bull made him feel even worse about what he did.

"I will. I will look at the scans. Alex, this is really bad." Well of course it was bad. Putting a fist through anyone's face was bad. No matter what the original intention was. But he couldn't exactly undo it, could he? He just had to live with the fact that he really was Jimmy's kid. A confession that would probably have Avery singing praises he didn't even believe in.

"It's bad. I know. I know. I just—I—I went crazy. I just—I—What if I talk to DeLuca, just you know, before he says anything." Sure it was pretty much grasping for straws but there wasn't much else he could do. It didn't matter that he blacked out or not. DeLuca had become a human punching bag…for the wrong reasons.

"Maybe you should talk to the police," she suggested. Like that thought hadn't crossed his mind at least a dozen times in the last hour. The issue was, once he did, once they cuffed him, he was gone. No job. No girlfriend. No wife. No kids. For some reason the last two tore at him more than he'd ever expected them to. Even if he went to jail he could eventually try and find some kind of work. But no woman was ever going to be the wife of a convicted felon. He probably wouldn't be able to see Zola or Bailey again either. At least he could breathe a sigh of relief that Ellis wouldn't even remember him.

"Can we wait until we find out how bad it is? You know just, go check his scans please." All Meredith could think to do was shake her head as she took the stairs back down. Whatever had crossed her friend's mind…This was bad. This was all kinds of bad. This was intern bad. Excuses for that disappeared years ago.

Nervously wringing his hands, Alex exited the stairwell. If he at least made himself useful doing something somewhere for someone, he didn't have to be swallowed up by the fact that this was in fact his last night as a surgeon.

"Hey, umm, have you talked to the police yet?" _Warren._ Of all people Warren had to be the one to find him. The chief's husband. The guy who had just gotten back into Bailey's good graces was probably going to her about all of this. Meredith at least knew to keep her mouth shut. Ben on the other hand he couldn't trust for crap. Professionally? Sure. He was decent with a scalpel. Personally? The guy sucked at keeping real secrets.

"Uh yeah. Uh no. I mean uh, why?" It took everything in him for Alex not to physically slap himself for being so obvious. He could tell by his expression that Ben had heard it too. _Dammit._

"Miranda said you should come see her. How's the hand?" Of course he had to go see her. And he would. Just as soon as he could…justify his fist going through another man's face.

"What?"

"It looked like it was giving you trouble earlier," he said nodding toward the fractured limb.

"Oh. I slipped in the rain." No matter how many times he thought about it, the excuse was crap. But what the hell else would account for it looking this bad?

"Look, man, uh, DeLuca's gonna clear everything up when he gets out of surgery, so is there anything…?"

"There isn't," he said, the words coming out way too quickly.

"Okay," he said. Alex could tell he didn't believe him for a second but he wasn't about to spill the whole story to the one who just got suspended for killing a pregnant lady. The two instances weren't all that similar but whatever. He couldn't be trusted. Warren just got lucky with Kepner's baby. Alex's presence was probably an equally effective motivator.

"You know, I got the guy here. I helped him, okay?" At this point he wasn't sure who that was meant to comfort more; him or the guy looking at him like he'd just killed a man. Well, he wasn't dead. At least not yet.

* * *

"This eye is a big problem. His pressure is getting out of control. We need to get him to an OR with an ophthalmologist right away."

"Could he lose his eyesight?" Bailey asked, her words laced with concern.

"Thing is, the eye's paralyzed. It's trapped in the fractured socket. We get in there, we free it, then we drain the blood. I've got a call into Jan Reger. She's great but she's in Whidbey Island, so—"Even though she knew it made perfectly good sense, Maggie quietly scoffed at the idea. He was going on about this like they _had_ the time.

"You can't do it?" she asked trying not to sound as impatient as she felt.

"Uh, technically yes, I—I could—"Well _then…_

"Then why are we waiting for Jan Reger?" If they did that they were just asking for his eyes to get worse. A plastic surgeon was supposed to be good with his hands, a perfectionist. It was the best of solutions she could find in this situation.

"She's an ophthalmologist. I'd rather have—"

"It's his eyesight. It's his career, Jackson. Let's not wait." If she sounded like she was pleading his case like a worried girlfriend, so be it. If it saved his career as a surgeon she'd wear the hat for one more day.

"She's right, Avery. If you can do it, do it." As much as he wanted to dispute otherwise, he wasn't about to get into it with Dr. Bailey, a woman threatening enough already with her reputation as the most respected surgeon in this hospital, even if he was technically her boss.

"I'll do it," he sighed. When the room was filtered out, leaving just himself and Miranda, he couldn't help wondering that maybe they should wait for Jan. The only person he knew that would actually have an expert opinion on the eye.

"How's Kepner doing?" Seeing as he hadn't gotten any 9-1-1s things were likely going very well. Karev was probably back in her room by now, doing things for her that he should be doing instead. As much as he appreciated Alex for being able to talk to her in ways she might actually listen, he still wasn't all together sure about him being around his daughter. But he and April were together now. In the most indirect way, he'd pretty much asked for something like this to happen. He just hated that it had to be Alex freaking Karev.

"She's good. She's uh, sleeping."

The sound of her daughter fussing somewhere in the distance, opened April's eyes slowly. When the sound seemed to stop, she searched the room for the nurse that had likely snuck in while she was sleeping. What she found instead put her heart beating harshly in her throat.

* * *

"What—What are you doing?" The last person she wanted to see right now was Catherine Avery. She was still angry…physically sick with the idea that the woman thought to take her child away from her.

"Hey. Shh. I'm here, I'm here. Oh, she was just fussing a little bit so I thought you could use the sleep, and I just swooped her up." Her choice of words made the new mother cringe, being restricted to this bed as close to a nightmare as she was going to get today. "We are bonding. Somebody's just fascinated with their grandma. Riveted. Yeah." So that's what that was then. Bonding. Tying herself to her baby tightly enough that taking her away whenever she felt it appropriate wasn't going to cause any emotional damage. "How are you feeling?" _How am I feeling? I'll tell you how I'm feeling._ Instead she said:

"I'm okay. Hurt."

"Oh, no doubt. April, I can't believe what you went through." It wasn't until recently that April took note of the way the woman spoke. Every word had an air of falseness to it. Catherine Avery was putting on a show. And the worst part was, almost everyone believed her.

"It was worth it," she smiled itching to finally take her baby in her arms.

"She's beautiful. She's just absolutely beautiful. I just wish I knew what to call her."

"Jackson didn't tell you?"

"No, I just got here." If that was meant to make her feel better, it really didn't.

"He'd probably want to be here to tell you," she said quietly, in no real mood to deal with her, especially alone.

"We don't have to wait for him." Out of respect it was a good idea. Then again, his mother didn't know the first thing about respect.

"Well, uh…We wanted something strong…memorable." The way her eyes lit up as the possibilities ran through her head made the redhead roll her eyes, at this point not caring if she noticed. She had to know by now that she sounded so damn ridiculous.

"Is it Catherine? Are you little Catherine?" As the words found shape in her mouth, it brought bile to the back of April's. The woman was honestly so self-involved she would be laughing if it wasn't so pathetically childish.

"We thought there could only be one Catherine." The real reason was that she just hated the name but she didn't need to know that. "Her name is Harriet." Even though she loved it, April knew that Alex would have a field day with it once he knew. As much as it would drive her insane, the idea that he cared enough to poke fun at it made her smile.

"Harriet. I like it. Tubman." No. Catherine hated it. Her face said so in at least three different ways. But she wasn't here to please anyone with the names of _her_ children, least of all Catherine Avery.

"Exactly. Tubman. Also "The Spy" which is a very good book."

"I love it. Harriet Avery. It's beautiful. It just flows." If they were pumping her up with morphine she would have the perfect excuse to throw up, if for no other reason than to get this disgusting taste out of her mouth.

"I'm sorry, who said her name was Avery?"

* * *

"Are those Andrew's head CTs? I thought they were clean."

"Yeah, I'm just double checking them," Meredith mumbled. "I want to make sure we didn't miss anything." Even though she knew her sister was just being a good doctor, hearing her concern made Maggie's heart flutter just enough to be noticeable. She still cared about DeLuca, sure, but as a friend. Just a friend. Because somebody had to. "They look good."

"Thanks. God. What do you think happened?"

"I don't know. Maybe a mugging or something." Maggie looked on to her retreating figure with even thicker skepticism now. The lack of effort in her answers was making it more and more obvious that there were pieces missing. If in fact she was way off the mark…If this is how she dealt with tragedy, it was certainly not any kind that she'd ever seen before.

"I just got off the phone with his parents. Apparently, he'd neglected to tell them that we'd broken up…"

"Oh god…" she offered distractedly. Was a relationship gone sour really the worst of her worries? The only real friend she still had was about to be carted off to jail and all Maggie could think about was a broken heart? _Dark and twisty she is not_.

"Mer, was I really crappy to him?"

DeLuca? He broke up with you." It wasn't until she was reminded that Maggie let herself feel at least a little bit better. With the amount of time she spent thinking about, crying about it, she might as well have been the one to end it.

"He's a good, good guy," she sighed. "Am I being stupid, chasing after Riggs when DeLuca was right there? I mean, am I being stupid?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Maybe." At this point it didn't matter whether or not that sounded supportive. She really didn't know. More to the point, she didn't really care all that much either. Her sister's relationship was not her concern. Until he hurt her.

"I was going to talk to Riggs tonight. At the wedding, while we were dancing, I was gonna say, "Hey, how about you and me?" and then Richard Webber jock-blocked me." Despite her current mood, she couldn't help but spare a laugh for that. Because the idea of Richard Webber coming between two doctors was just so high school, no matter how many of them he'd done it to. "And now Riggs thinks I'm in love with DeLuca. I swear, maybe this is just—"

"Hey. What are you doing in scrubs? I thought I'm going in on Avery," he said, putting any stop to potential bonding the two sisters might be trying to do.

"Yeah, I'm going in. Not to operate. Just…I don't know."

"To hold his hand?"

"I guess so."

"Yeah…" For some reason hearing him say it like that just made the situation that much more of a joke.

"It's stupid."

"It's not at all. He's a good guy. Nothing wrong with that."

"I know, but I'm not—I don't—"

"Come on. He's gorgeous. You can't do much better." Hearing Nathan being so stupidly supportive almost made this worse. Maybe it really _was_ right there and she'd gone and thrown it all away. "Good luck. I hope it works out."

"Okay," she said faintly, strangely saddened by the idea that she couldn't look anymore obvious, even though that was the last thing she wanted them to think. She was going into the OR to hold his hand for Christ sake. If that didn't define pinning, what did?

* * *

Hearing her all too familiar footsteps, Alex almost wanted to turn the other way. All she had for him now were excuses. Reasons they couldn't get married. Explanations for someone who looked like he was way too happy she was wasted out of her mind. Even if that wasn't what DeLuca was planning to do, his poor timing and what he'd been presented with set off almost every single freaking alarm he had. She probably even had reasons for the day the sky started raining candy and to her it would all be perfectly logical.

"You okay?"

"Listen, Alex, it wasn't—"Here _we go_. Luckily there was none of this crap with April. Even when it was stupid or petty, she had a "say it like it is" attitude that Jo never truly developed. Screw the fact that it had anything to do with how she'd grown up. She was looking into a freaking mirror and still had the balls to keep lying to him. To think that after so much time he was at least worth a little bit of truth.

"You were drunk. It wasn't your fault, I know," he said, the words coming out on a sense of genuine concern. At any other point in time he would be feeding her sarcasm by the spoonful. But what the intern had done to her was nothing to laugh about.

"What are you talking about?"

"DeLuca. He pushed himself on you, right? You were drunk and he tried to take advantage of you—"

"No. No, no, no, no, no. Alex, I—I was drunk, yes, because I was upset you had left." Alex felt his eyes narrow. _Now_ she missed him? After months of feeling like a nobody in his own home, finding out about him and April was the only thing that got her to react like a real girlfriend?

"You were upset about us? About me?" The confession put humour in his eyes that made Jo almost hate herself even more. Not for admitting it the idea that he thought she was joking. Why the hell would she make any of that up?

"Yes, of course!" she said incredulously. "What did you expect me to do, Alex? You weren't exactly looking all that guilty about your infidelity. How was I supposed to feel?"

"I'm pretty sure they only call it that if you're married," he muttered. "Which, you know, I tried. Three, four, maybe five times. So far, no dice. After a while it kinda gets old, you know? The whole not being wanted thing. So I left. Because from what I could see, you were already gone. It's for the best though, isn't it? Now we both have our freedom. You can go ahead and not marry whoever it is you want. Maybe he'll like it better that way. But I want _this_. I want to be a husband or whatever. I want kids. I want a good reason to come to work sleep-deprived, instead of beating myself up about not being good enough for you."

"Alex, it isn't about that. It isn't about that at all! It's…It's complicated. So complicated."

"Yeah, you already said that. Doesn't matter how many times you use it on me, it's still crap. I get that you were hurt. I can honestly tell you that I didn't intend for it to happen the way it did. I was there to help her with her _baby_. And for weeks you just kept saying nothing. In my book, we were done."

"At least now you know what it's like…" What it's like? He knew what it was like long before Jo Wilson came into his life. But whatever. She wanted to be even, they were even.

"So this is what you do? You bring this guy back to our place to screw?"

"If you would just let me talk to you—"

"'Oh, cause you were upset" he laughed, his voice coming through louder.

"Just—Just listen to me!"

"You know what? Forget it. It's like I said, you can't help it. It's not your fault. It's easy for you to throw people away, to just move on when things are bad. It's not you. It's the way you were raised, or not raised." To be quite honest he was getting freaking sick of it. Till her dying breath it would always be her ready excuse for not trying. "I wanted to marry you. And I was asking you for something you aren't capable of. I shoulda known better." Before she could so much as open her mouth, Alex was walking. Maybe if he pulled his crap together, he might be able to get back to his girlfriend and baby. Well, she wasn't his baby.

* * *

"Okay. So first the muscle of his eye is trapped here in the bone fragment, so I'm just gonna pop it out. There we go. Alright. Micro scalpel please."

"Will he see again?" Maggie almost wanted to kick herself for how she was sure it looked. All day she'd been showing more concern than she knew a friend should be. But she couldn't exactly help it either. It no longer mattered that he was the one to call them off. He was too good a man to lose his eyes, lose his job over what was likely the most ridiculous showing of testosterone to date.

"We'll see. Once I am able to flush the blood out of there, his intraocular pressure should come down and his vision should return. But don't worry. His eyes should be just as pretty as ever." Even while knowing he would get bitched at for the comment, it was too easy a thought not to at least bring up.

"Will everyone stop doing that? I want his eyes to work because they're his eyes." Jackson couldn't help but smile a little behind his mask. He knew by now that Maggie was a rambler by nature. A lot like April now that he really thought about it. But something about setting her off just a little made him feel like the stepbrother he actually was. They didn't make a point of acting on it but when the opportunity showed itself, he'd play with her head at least a little bit.

"Sorry. You're right."

"And he's a surgeon. He can't be one with one eye. It doesn't mean that I love him or I miss him or I'm pinning. He's a friend. No, he's not a friend because the breakup was a train wreck, and he probably hates me but he is a person, or was a person that I was personal with." The poor girl couldn't be more obvious if she tried, flustered or not she was clearly acting on embers. Not that he could say any different when it came to his feelings for April.

"I mean, you had feelings. You had huge feelings, and you can't be expected just to turn those feelings off like some robot. Especially if you've been through something horrible together. I get it."

"Yeah, you do," she said quietly, once more reminded of his predicament.

"Try having a baby with him," he mumbled, Karev's face taking shape in his mind. Of all the people she had to move on with….It had to be Alex. _Dammit._

"That's okay. I'm good." Smart. Really smart. Because all this baby was going to give him more heartburn than he really signed up for.

* * *

"Okay, there you are." For several minutes Stephanie sat on the phone with Dr. Webber, almost dancing around an explanation for her friend. Normally she would have something to say about why she'd run. This time she couldn't help considering that she might actually be part of it. Even if she wasn't the head surgeon in Kyle's OR, residents still felt responsible. She herself was guilty of that same feeling. Now this thing with DeLuca and Karev was about to tip the scale. But enough to disappear like she did?

"What are you doing here?" the brunette asked in a hurried tone.

"Webber called me. He said he thought you might be with me. He said that DeLuca got beat up, and then you ran off." She really didn't have time for this. It was already hard enough finding an acceptable way of explaining herself to Alex. Seeing as none of that was working, what was she supposed to say to Stephanie? She was by his standards a tough pill to swallow. Edwards was all but ready to put her on trial for attempted murder. "Look, I'm here 'cause I'm your friend dummy. What happened? What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving," she mumbled.

"Okay fine, I'll drive you."

"No, I'm leaving, leaving," she corrected, her words thick with emotion.

"You're quitting?"

"Yeah."

"You're quitting the program." She let her silence speak for itself, her insides coming apart slowly when she realized what all of it was really adding up to.

"And you're not gonna tell me what this is?"

"I can't."

"You—Okay, hey. What the hell? Jo." She let out a heavy sigh, refusing to make eye contact with her friend. There was just too much to think about, to talk about. It would take too much time. Time she couldn't set aside right now. She really didn't want to either.

"What happened with DeLuca? You can talk to me. I'm the one that left you at the bar with him." Stephanie barely managed to keep from losing her footing as Jo spun to face her.

"This isn't just about what happened with DeLuca. It's Alex, it's you…Kyle."

"With Kyle?" she asked. Her friend looked at her, dark eyes flashing with surprise. For just a moment she looked genuinely confused. "Kyle's fine," she said quietly. "Shepherd pretty much chopped off his hands but he's fine."

"His nerves are shot because of me. I clipped the nerve." Stephanie stepped forward, her hand lightly brushing Jo's shoulder. "You weren't the one in charge in that OR. That's on Shepherd. You were just following directions."

"Yeah but you blame me. My hand made the cut."

"The only person I blame right now is Shepherd. What happened with DeLuca? You can talk to me. I'm the one who left you at the bar with him. What?

"It's not that simple," she sighed. "It's great that he made it through surgery. I'm happy for you. Really happy. But now, every time he tries to play. Every time it comes out less than perfect, you're the one he's going to be angry with. He's going to wake up missing it so much he'll wish we'd just let him die on that table. Because those were my hands. I made the mess. I killed him."

"Jo, he's not dead."

"He might as well be. Everybody says it. Take away someone's gift, and they have nothing. If something happened to your hands, you'd never be able to operate again."

"This is different…"

"Is it?" Edwards nodded, her throat gone dry with every minute they stood having this conversation.

"He's alive…He's alive and for right now…Right now, that's enough," she whispered, her heart breaking as she once again considered the alterative.

"You're such a bad liar…" Jo mumbled.

* * *

"She was really upset about Karev. She was also really drunk."

"So you left her with DeLuca?"

"To keep her safe, yes. I didn't want to leave her there alone. So he made sure she got home okay, and you have to understand."

"I do. She wanted to hurt Alex back. But she may have hurt him for good this time. I mean, this could end his career. I mean, this goes well beyond just sleeping with another guy." Stephanie grimaced. This had nothing to do with whether or not anybody slept with someone else. But with the way people ran this hospital, how small-minded her coworkers sometimes were, it wasn't the worst first guess.

"She didn't sleep with DeLuca."

"Did he force himself on her?" _Really? Is that where all of this is going?_

"No, he—He kept her safe! He got her home. He made sure she was okay. DeLuca was kind and nice and thoughtful—"What started out as really, really bad was quickly becoming absolutely awful. As much as she could thread together to defend his actions in the past, this time she didn't have much of anything. They were supposed to be so far past this stuff. Meredith sighed. Disliking Jo Wilson was becoming easier with every story told.

* * *

"DeLuca was trying to stop her from getting hurt or from hurting herself, and then you walked in," she hissed.

"Okay, how do we know Edwards isn't lying about the whole thing?" _Because she isn't_ he thought. Just this one time he really wished it was that simple a solution.

"Because I wanted her to be. Which is awful. But I was hoping for some reason that you beat that man half to death that doesn't make you a monster. You know she wasn't lying."

"Is DeLuca out of surgery? Did he wake up?"

"You have to go to Bailey and say something." Meredith silently rolled her eyes when his ready fist tried to make it through the concrete wall. As much as his impulse control was riding on his mess with Jo, there was a developed maturity he wasn't paying enough attention to. And this is where it got them.

"If he presses charges…"

"He _should_ press charges. He's not the bad guy here, and Jo isn't the bad guy. We're the bad guys. Really bad guys." _Goddammit._ All his life he ran from the very idea of Jimmy Evans. _The apple doesn't fall far from the tree_. Him and his stupid tree and his stupid apples. Metaphor or not it didn't change the fact that everything about it was right. Alex could run all he wanted but there was no escaping the truth. "If I don't say something. If you don't say something…"

"I want to run."

"You can't run," she muttered between gritted teeth. Alex sighed, a hand making it over his face for the hundredth time that night. Being with Kepner was supposed to help him keep making decently good choices. Finding something safe but equally challenging was meant to help keep his impulses under control. Right now neither of those was even close to true. And the worst part was that none of it had anything to do with April. If it did, he would feel at least fractionally better. Justified. Even if you had to squint hard to see it that way.

"I thought I grew up. I just said this to Jo yesterday. I went back there to clean out the rest of my stuff…I was gonna give her the keys back. I wasn't gonna keep something that didn't belong to me. That's all I was gonna do…And she was…He was there and she was laughing and it was Jimmy and my mom all over again," he confessed.

"I get that you're impulsive. You act on your gut. It's what makes you good…even great at your job. But you know who Edwards told me about? Intern Alex. This whole time I'm going through every minute of this crapfest telling myself "At least it's not like first year. He's learned from that. He's grown. But that's exactly who this is. Tonight, Intern Alex took a man's face off."

"Mer—"

"No really, Alex, what the hell is this about? I know you're better than this. _You_ know you're better than this. What in the world made you go after this guy?"

I need a reason to throw a guy off of a girl when he's trying to—?" he mumbled. Except Mom never laughed when it happened. She cried. Fucking bawled her eyes out when he beat her. And knowing that...Seein' that…it makes it so much worse. Because she wouldn't've known the difference if that's what he was doing to her."

"But he wasn't," she mumbled.

"But that's what I…"

"That's what you saw," she nodded. "I'm sure that's what it looked like. So you did what you always do. You act. You act and then you suffer the consequences."

"I didn't even know. Mer, those weren't my hands…I just…I just remember getting him off of her. One minute his nose is breaking and the next there's blood. All the blood. What happened between one and two…I don't remember. It…It was somebody else. It wasn't me."

"Who finished him off then? Because Alex, you and Jo were the only ones at the apartment." That's not what he meant at all and they both knew it.

"Hell if I know. I just know that I didn't do it. I wanted to. Holy hell I wanted to. His face is just—"

"It _was_ you. Did you…black out or something? Just send your fists flying and to hell with the rest of it?"

"I…I don't know. I don't even….He was on top of her…and then he wasn't. And there was blood…But they weren't my hands…I swear to god they weren't my hands…"

"Alex…"

"They weren't! He…He was on top of her…and she was screaming…She was screaming and he didn't care…"

"Alex…"

"All she ever did was scream…And he always just kept going until she wasn't…"

"This isn't about Wilson, is it?"

"What?" Of course it wasn't. Not really. It took him three minutes of rambling like an idiot for her to catch on?

"But that's DeLuca's blood on your hands…And that was Jo screaming at you to stop." Yeah, that much he heard. Problem was that his mother said pretty much the same thing.

"Meredith, you have to believe me."

"I do….Alex, I do. But what you did…You can't do that. No matter who you see or don't see. I get that you and Jo were together a long time. And that even though you're with April now and in my opinion much better off, feelings don't just—"

"They did. They went up, up and away months ago."

"Well then that just makes it worse."

"How? I saw him trying to—and I acted. It's what anybody with a shred of common sense would do."

"Anybody with common sense would throw him off and shove him out the door. Not gauge his eyes out and break every bone in his face. Are you really done with Jo? Because if you're not…"

Kepner. It's about April now. Having Avery in it makes the whole thing a three ring circus but she's…"

"Right. Kepener. April, who just had a baby. A baby who will grow up to see you as a worthy example. Is this the trend you wanna set for that little girl? That when boys get mad it's okay that they throw fists around?" Alex blinked. Since when did his friend ever care about stuff like that? When did she start _talking_ like that?

"What the hell? No. That wasn't the point—"

"The last thing she needs is that kind of memory to be the first one that stays in her brain. Now, Jackson's in surgery trying to put DeLuca's eyes back into his head. He left her alone with his mother to run in to clean up _your_ mess."

"You didn't tell him, did you?"

"Of course I didn't! Because you're going to do that." The peds surgeon scowled. The last person he wanted to have any kind of conversation with was Avery.

"I'm not telling Avery that I'm an abusive fuckhead," he muttered. Meredith blinked. "Because I'm not. I'm a doctor…A protector or whatever," he whispered. "Cause the minute he hears that, she's gone."

"Or…You could try something else. You could tell her. Tell her what happened. Tell her why it happened and what you're gonna do about it."

"Cause that'll work so well," he drawled sarcastically.

"You could also hide under a rock for a year and not say anything," she shrugged. "But that means you lose by default. So you really only have a couple of options here. And if my opinion still counts for something, the truth doesn't blow up in your face."

"Crap…"

"I rounded on her just now and she's asleep. You should probably go back in there. Before you put your hand through a vending machine."

"Mer…I…I saw red."

"I know you did. So this is what's going to happen. You're going to go in there. You're going to kiss your girlfriend. Maybe if you're lucky you'll get to hold that baby. And you're going to sit there for a few minutes and let her help you see straight, 'cause right now you're all over the place and that's not going to work. When you're ready…we're going to go talk to the police."

"I thought I said no cops."

"His face. It came right off. That's not something you keep to yourself."

"You kept the LVad to yourself."

This isn't the same thing. At all. And even if it is, we're not interns anymore. We're doctors. Real doctors. Real people. We're parents."

"Picking up where your husband left off hardly makes me a parent," he grumbled.

"We took an oath. I can go with you or you can go by yourself. Those are your options right now."

"She'll never look at me again…." For the first time in years, he felt genuine panic just thinking about it. Just when he was starting to figure things out…

"You don't know that," she whispered trying to avoid the pain expressed in his eyes.

"This is Kepner we're talking about. She spends an extra twenty minutes on her damn hair every morning just to make sure it all stays in place. When she hears about what I did…"

"Well then, she'll be glad that you were honest. She'll be mad for a while—"

"She'll hate me forever…"

"It'll be okay. You'll have to work through some stuff. Maybe take a few steps back before you can get moving again but you and April are hardly over."

"Yang needs to get her ass back here already. You're starting to get all positive and it's creeping me out." Meredith chuckled. "If you think I'll ever be able to touch her again, you don't know crap about anything."

"I know you had good intentions. I know you went on your instinct to look for her, despite what she did to you. That tells me you still feel something, even if that feeling is a want to set her ass on fire."

"It's not love or some stupid crap like that. She may not be my girlfriend anymore but she's still a person. A person I thought was in trouble. I'm a doctor. Or…after today I guess the word will be was. I was a doctor."

"You're still a doctor," she corrected.

"Whatever."

* * *

"Wilson." The former resident sighed, her annoyance with the older man only increasing. Didn't he know when to leave well enough alone? She had a right to seek employment elsewhere. Considering the crappy ending to it she just had, she almost deserved to start fresh. Or just sit at home and look for a career that didn't put so much faith in a doctor's meager abilities

"Did you hear what happened?" she muttered. By now he must have. If not about Alex's mess, at least Kyle's. The fact that he was her first real failure in surgery. Or more so the fact that her best friend quietly hated her for even being in the same room, almost allowing something to happen the way it did.

"Not yet. But I know it's not worth leaving here." Wow…The self-proclaimed "big dog" clearly wasn't paying enough attention.

"I made a mess. I can't fix it. I can only make it worse. So I am walking away from it. It's better for everyone, okay? Just—Move. Please…"

"No. I don't know what happened, but whatever it is; you won't get it fixed by running from it. And you won't gain anything by quitting. We don't quit. I won't let you. Now, you ditched me once today. I'm not going to let it happen again."

* * *

"I mean she's your baby. You can call her whatever you want." If she hadn't just been sliced open, April would find the strength to laugh. What would she have to say if she planted the seed that Alex was more than willing to play step-father to her daughter? How tainted would the bloodline be then? It was just a thought to mess with the older woman but she quietly toyed with the idea. It wasn't something either of them was looking to discuss yet….or ever depending on how Alex wished to play his part.

"Just as long as it's 'Avery'"

"I'll say this. Avery wasn't my name either. But I took it on and I built it into something. And the name that I built will open doors for this little girl. I'm just thinking of her future." A name so big and bright that everything else dimmed by comparison. A name so full of hidden lies and twisted truths that not even the woman herself would ever see it that way.

"Well, the name Kepner means something too."

"What?"

"Where I come from it good people. A tireless work ethic. A fair and honest price for quality pork. The people you call when you're in trouble. Yeah, it may not open doors. But Kepner means something. Now, can I have my—"The new mother gasped, clutching her side painfully, wanting more than anything to burst into tears just then. Not only was the woman denying April her own child but she sat there quietly judging her every fucking breath. _Where is Alex?_

"It's alright. It's alright. I've got her." It was people like Catherine who gave her moments of clarity and understanding on the part of Alex's problem solving skills. They were childish and incredibly uncalled for almost always but in this very moment she wished for balls big enough to snatch her baby back.

"No! Catherine, I can hold my own baby!"

"No, April, you can't. No, you can't. You nearly died bringing her into this world. You did something superhuman. So now you get to rest and heal. Harriet's just fine. She's got her grandma and that's what grandmas are for. So now, just relax. Sleep for an hour. You're gonna have her whole life to hold her. Rest and heal. She's gonna need you."

"Like hell she can't. Give the woman her baby."

"Excuse me?" she sang in astonishment.

"Give April her baby." The redhead rolled her lip, eyeing her boyfriend, warning him not to escalate this. As much as she wanted to, thick-headedness in an Avery was hardly worth it.

"April is in no real position to do that yet. I have ready and capable hands too."

"It's got nothing to do with your hands," he growled, already at the peak of his frustration. "All I've heard since this baby was put inside of her is condescension. Because Averys are so much better than every other bloodline in the history of the world, right? Averys can do anything, right? Around here, moms just want this one thing. If they're not bleeding, unconscious or tired, they can hold their own freaking kid. Don't think I don't remember what you wanted to do with her," he said, his voice low. "This isn't one of your auctions. She doesn't get pawned off to the highest bidder."

"Alex," April warned quietly. "Not now…"

"Baby looks pretty comfortable from where I'm standing. I'd hate to be the bad guy who pisses her off 'cause I had to be the one to move her," he shrugged, gently ignoring April for the moment. "But don't think I won't."

"Fine….Be sure to hold her head and—"

"April isn't stupid. I'm pretty sure she's got it. You don't have to spit in her face just to make yourself feel better. We already know how important you pretend to be. Why don't you go on and get yourself some coffee. Nobody's going anywhere just yet. If any of that changes…we'll page you."

"Who are you?"

Karev. Alex Karev. I'm April's doctor. We've met before."

"You seem to know an awful lot about a baby that isn't yours." April closed her eyes briefly. Now was not the time to delve into all of this. It was confusing enough for those who actually understood what they were doing.

"She is…" April whispered. Even Alex did a double take then. He was all for watching her embrace their relationship but she didn't have to give him a stake in her daughter just to get back at the bitch. "She belongs to Jackson, Alex, and me."

"Blaze…" Catherine wasn't even sure if she was shocked or absolutely floored upon hearing such a confession. The woman she had come to know could clearly do so much better. But given recent missteps, she wasn't all that surprised either.

"This is the man you cheated on my son with?"

"We didn't cheat. If you knew her at all, you know April's not like that. She was good and divorced when we did what we did," he muttered. "Which if you have a good enough memory was something Jackson asked for. At this point, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her life, and her body." The older woman's eyes narrowed. Doctor or not, this man didn't know the first thing about what was going on in her family.

"Right now, that is neither here nor there. My concern is the part you play in my granddaughter's life."

"I'm whatever her mother wants me to be." Not something he usually said but whatever. It wasn't every day he faced down with the queen bee of the Avery foundation. Dealing with her son was hard enough already.

"That still does not explain why you claim a child that isn't yours. Thank you for helping her get here but she is in no way your daughter. Harriet is Jackson and April's child."

"Harriet?" he whispered with an obvious smirk.

"Not. Now," she repeated shrinking down into the hospital bed sheets. "That's where you're wrong. Alex and I are very happily involved. He isn't going to turn his back simply based on the presence of a child. He would be one of the greatest things to happen to my daughter."

"I work with kids for a living. Everybody knows who her parents are. I'm just here to help in any way I can. You don't get to tell April how I work into her kid's life."

"My son would hardly approve of something so…"

"Karev is fine where he is, Mother. He's one of the reasons we even have a baby. If you want to thank the guy, he's right there. Otherwise, keep your nose out of it." More than a couple of bitter pills to swallow but they were at least partially true.

"My apologies for looking out for you and your right to be a father."

"We've been over this...I am a father. Alex has been here for April. And if he's going to stay there, I'm not going to tell my daughter that the man her mother is with isn't just as important." In reality, it was going to be one of the hardest things they ever talked about. Hopefully she would get her fill of Karev before the baby had any recollection of him.

"Are you saying you're willing to let another man raise your daughter?" she asked incredulously. Webs like this were the reason she had filed in the first place. Her granddaughter was on her way to more confusion than she needed in her early life.

"If that's the way you understand it, sure," Alex shrugged. "But really it's sharing the responsibility. I'm not about to keep her from her dad. April sure as hell isn't gonna do that. Whatever they wanna do with their kid is their business. Now please, stop breathing down her neck and soak in as much of being a grandma as you can. If I remember right, you're not even allowed to be here."

"The hell I'm not," she snapped. "You can't still be keeping me from this hospital. Our argument has long since passed," she sighed turning to face her son with heavy-set eyes.

"You're telling April what she can and can't do with her daughter. Which isn't far from what you were throwing in her face a few weeks ago," Jackson pointed out. "You're meddling like you always do. Give April the baby and go try and make yourself useful."

"Go play with a penis or something."

"Alex!" the redhead hissed, her cheeks of equal shade.

"Couldn't you hyphenate? Avery-Kepner?" his mother squeaked, a form of speech so far removed from who she really was.

"We are hyphenating, Mom. That's what we decided, right?"

"Yes. Kepner-Avery."

"But why didn't you say that?"

"Because she's my baby. That's _your_ baby. She's _my_ baby." It was when the room fell silent again that Alex was reminded why he'd come. Shifting nervously, he absently shoved his hands in his pockets, an instinct that didn't go unnoticed by his girlfriend. "Alex?" she whispered. Averting his attention to her was almost automatic now. At times like these he really wished it wasn't that easy. "What is it?"

"Not now…"

"Yes now," she said firmly. "Sit." Against better judgment he complied. "Jackson, can we have a minute, please?" He reluctantly nodded, his eyes downcast. "Harriet stays with me," she warned watching as Catherine tried to make her escape with the baby. Trying on her best "kicked puppy" expression, she lowered her back onto the cot looking at her with longing. When the two eventually filed out, Alex kneaded his hands slowly, the compulsion stopped when April held them in her own.

"Okay uh….First, I need you to promise me you won't freak out." Even as he asked for it, there was a 90 percent chance that wasn't going to happen. "I…I think I did something."

"What?" she whispered. He swallowed hard, the gulp so loud in his ears he wanted to cover them up.

"I uh…I went to the loft to give Jo her keys back. And when I got there…I…I saw something. I saw something bad." He couldn't help but pause periodically, half expecting her to be a little bit like Izzie and insert comments as he went along. When she just watched him, sure to keep eye contact while he found his next sentence, he couldn't help but ask himself why he'd waited so long to approach her with genuine conversation. "She…She was drunk. Really drunk. And laughing. A lot. When I turned the corner…DeLuca…He…He was there…On top of her. And uh…I don't know…Something in me snapped. Really snapped. I…" Having heard his explanation she found herself looking for his hands, something pinching her gut to pay special attention to his dominant hand. Taking it gently between her own, she could feel tears quietly coursing down her face.

"Oh my God…" she whispered, dropping it in complete surprise. Though she didn't want to, she couldn't help but back away slowly. "What the hell did you do?" Almost immediately her head filled with the stuff of nightmares. As much time as he'd rehearsed it with Meredith, her disappointment up against April's hurt held no contest.

"He…He was on top of her…And I…"

"You still love her…" she whispered, her jaw all but hitting the floor. To even hear her say it made him physically ill.

"No….April I…" When she backed out even further, he couldn't decide if it was his confession or the idea of having him touch her that made him something vile. "When she…That wasn't me…Not…Not really. They were…They were…other hands…Somebody else's words….I thought…I thought he was trying to…I thought he was taking advantage of her."

"So you thought your best solution would be to beat him to death?" she laughed bitterly. "I….I don't understand. Alex….I genuinely cannot comprehend any of this…"

"I know..." he sighed. "And the easy answer is, my dad. But…it's so much more than that…."

"What's to understand?" she mumbled. "You came in under blind rage and almost killed a man…"

"I know…I could try and give you the other stuff—"

"There's more?"

"What? No. I mean…Yes…but no. My dad was a genuine piece of shit," he began. "Cared more about his next drink than he ever did my mom or me. Or them. And when he felt like it…When he felt like it…When he didn't wanna do it anymore…he would just…He would put her through literal hell. Those beatings would go on for days. The only time she slept was when he knocked her unconscious. Few days after I turned 15…"

"You beat your father near death," she whispered.

"I…I didn't know what else to do…And I'm not here to make excuses. But when I walked in there…Jo was…She was just another girl. A girl who looked like she was being taken advantage of because she'd had a few drinks. I didn't rip him apart because I love her."

"You did…" she whispered, her expression pained.

"April…"

"You don't talk about her because it's too hard. And the few times you do…you become this…You're a little boy," she whispered.

"What?"

"Jo wasn't in that room…" He wasn't sure whether it was a desire to keep her this understanding or having a genuine grasp on where in the world she was taking this conversation. Either way, he found himself nodding. As much as the idea made her want to vomit, at least a portion of her good sense tried to wrap itself around this.

"They…They want me to turn myself in...I don't know what that means but…Before I do any of that, I need to know…"

"Alex," she sighed. "I….I don't know what to tell you. This just…it doesn't make any sense. We have a baby."

"You and Avery have a baby," he corrected trying to look away while the pain in her features only grew sharper. "You know he doesn't want me anywhere near your kid."

"What Jackson wants in that respect hardly matters," she muttered. "What's important is you and me."

"And after something like that…There really is no you and me, is there?" April sighed. As the baby began to fuss, she shifted uncomfortably, cringing as a sharp pain shot up her side.

"Go pick her up for me please," she demanded through gritted teeth. He nodded; sure to treat her like the finest china he'd ever touched in his life. "Sit right there," she ordered. The surgeon sank down into the chair, completely at a loss. "How does she feel?"

"What?"

"When you hold her…How does she feel?"

"Like a baby?" he said dumbly. "I…I don't know. Fragile or something." April nodded slowly watching his hands even more closely now. Seeing her line of expressions he stiffened. "I would never touch a kid," he said quietly, his voice the shadow of a tremor as he spoke.

"I'm not concerned about that right now," she muttered. _You probably should be…_ "I don't care about your hands, or what you want to do with them outside of this room. What I want to see right now is what they do with my daughter."

"You didn't hear a word I said, did you? I almost killed a man, April. Once I leave here…they're going to put me in a cell. They're probably going to take my job…My license. I become a nobody."

"Okay…We'll play your game. You have no name. You have no job. What does that leave you with?"

"I don't know."

"Until I say otherwise, you are the man holding my baby. Your job right now? Making sure nothing happens to her. Can you handle that? Or do I need to find somebody else? Somebody better suited for the job?" He wasn't even sure if it was the knives in her words or his subconscious determination to show her how much he wanted this. Wanted them. Whatever it was, he held the baby close, trying to hold himself together while she found her place along his broad chest.

"What are you doing?" he asked. She should be yelling at him. She should be cowering in fear. She should want her child nowhere near a future felon.

"Observing," she whispered. "Tell me about where you're going," she added. This was just getting stupid. Still, he sighed, shifting just enough to find his feet before he started the lame description.

"They're gonna wana lock me up. I…I don't know if there's going to be a trial…But it uh…It's gonnna be cold…And I'm pretty sure I'm going to be alone." The last little bit put a twist in his heart that a dozen years ago never existed. "The food's gonna suck…And…if they're smart…If they're smart they'll lock me up and throw away the key."

"If that were to happen right this minute, what happens to my baby?"

"I…I give her to you."

"What if I don't want her?" Alex looked on dumbfounded. For almost two years a child is all she'd ever wanted. Now that she had her she didn't want her? "Of course you want your baby. You're her mom."

"As of this moment, what are you doing for my baby?"

"Right now…Right now I'm holding her. Because you told me to."

"Why didn't you say no?"

"Because you asked me to pick her up?" Slowly she nodded, encouraging further explanation he really didn't have. "Because….God April I don't know!"

"Put some thought into it," she murmured.

"She was crying. Nobody else was going to do it. I didn't want to just leave her there…"

"Do you see where I'm going with this?" Alex shook his head. A baby up against attempted murder was like candy and salad or something. No relation to the other whatsoever. And here she was trying to force one. "Tell me what you are now."

"I'm the guy who picked up a baby because it was crying."

"When you go to the police, I want you to remember that. Remember what you did and how you helped. I promise it works." That still didn't answer the question of where they stood at all.

"You…I guess we're done, huh?" April laughed despite her continued discomfort. "Why are you laughing? It's a real question. You don't want a guy like me hanging around."

"On the contrary….I find you quite useful right now. Harriet's nice and quiet…Calm…Perfectly content to be asleep where she is. Because you're the man who held her. You're the guy who heard her crying and made it stop. All I asked you to do was hold her. I didn't say you had to hold her for five minutes...ten minutes. You could have put her right back as soon as she went silent. But you didn't. You stayed. You're here right now doing what you can to make the smallest difference. Only you and I know that. Whenever we set that hearing, whenever you come home, you will still be the one who helped her feel safe. When you're ready, you're going to put her back in her bed. And then you're going to kiss us goodbye. And _then_ you're going to let them take you wherever it is they need to take you. Just for right now. And I don't care if you're in there a day…a week…maybe two. While you sit there, I want you to remember two things:

Only a someone can do something for others. And that someone made the smallest difference. That someone stood up to Catherine Avery. That someone is the reason he is able to hold this baby. And when all of this is over, he will still be all of those things. Now, go put the baby down." Again he found himself complying, more careful than ten minutes before. "And kiss me…" Fully intent on keeping the savage animal act tucked away, he took to her mouth with more determination than he intended, every tiny nibble enough to make her sigh.

 _I love you_ he thought, the words tumbling forward before he could think to stop them. The fact that he received no real reply didn't even matter. April still wanted him. Despite the colossal mess he'd just made, she made him promises.

"We'll be waiting…" Somewhere in the deepest shadows of his heart, he couldn't help thinking that they were just words. Words that made him feel good but they really meant absolutely nothing when he was staring at the truth.

"You're under arrest for aggravated assault. He just walked up and turned himself in. Made it real easy. He'll be city lock-up. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning.  
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"

"Yes." Even though he'd come to realize the intent behind the earlier exercise, it didn't take away from the fact that he was about to be thrown in a box. His own fault but it still sucked. If Jackson thought he was bad news before…he had all the evidence he needed now. He would be running background checks on all of her future boyfriends. Not that he even blamed the guy anymore. What he'd done with his own hands, his own rage was far beyond anything he ever thought he would do. Those emotions were checked so many years ago he thought they were just resting. Not anymore…

* * *

"I wasn't going to lie to everyone," Meredith sighed hoping that it was at least the beginning of something that might keep her sister from absolutely despising her for the silence. Before Lexie came into her life, she didn't waste her time with sisters. Derek's were sisters she was stuck with on the principle of marriage. She had learned quickly that there was nothing she could do to make Lexie go away. As much as she tried to fight Maggie, she was the one who sat cross-legged on one of her beds. She at her food, sang her kids to sleep or something.

"You lied to me," she whispered. I asked you what happened, and you lied."

"Alex and I were trying to—"

"Trying to what? Trying to figure out a way to justify the beating he gave to Andrew? What?" Meredith sighed. That wasn't entirely untrue to start.

"I don't know."

"I poured my heart out to you all day. And you knew this." How could she go about explaining that the things she and Alex did for each other had become some kind of sixth sense? When she was still around, Cristina was even more so. They didn't even have to talk about being best friends. They just were. Cristina Yang was her sister first. Having real ones, especially a unicorn just didn't fit in her world in that way.

"It wasn't about you, Maggie."

"I am your sister."

"I know."

"Do you? Cause it means something different to me. You encouraged me to stay. You offered me a home and a family. And I accepted. And I wasn't kidding. I will go down swinging for you. It means something to me. I thought I could trust you." She couldn't help but groan, the question of just how much of a sister she would have been if she'd asked for her help with something less than moral

"You can. From here on out."

"Don't do it again. Don't lie to me again." The fact that it was just that easy made her even more aware of just how different their lives had been.

"Okay.

"Okay." When the doorbell sounded downstairs she slowly rose

"I'm gonnna get that." Quietly closing the door behind her she placed the majority of her exhaustion on it. She had to at least go see him. After breaking the unspoken rule, she had to at least try for a little bit of honesty. Whoever that was couldn't stay long.

* * *

As she walked through the concrete structure, she couldn't help but catch samples of Derek's cologne in the air. He'd only been here once and the smell hit her like a ton of bricks. _It was just after the_ shooting she realized, feeling no better than she did five seconds ago. And here she was again, on the other side of a cage praying to a god she never believed in that he would at least be safe too. She would blame his new girlfriend for the praying thing later.

"It was nice knowing you," he mumbled dragging his feet up to the front of the tiny space.

"Shut up."

"What? You think I'm keeping my job or my medical license?"

"We don't know what's going to happen."

"I'll tell you what isn't gonna happen. Me ever setting foot in that hospital again." That wasn't a far off possibility but even then she had to fight rolling her eyes. He was going to make this about his dad if she stuck around long enough. As much as she did the same with her mother, they were both so far past any of that. Tonight she was ready to shake him at first mention of the man.

"Sorry."

"Why? You didn't punch the guy."

"But I told Bailey."

"You did?"

"Yes. I had to."

"I know."

"It's better. You did the right thing." No matter how true it was, it still made her feel like crap. After everything he'd done to get to where he was as a doctor…as a man, one fist was about to throw it all away.

"Mm. Right now, being the guy who got beat up would feel better."

"You said it yourself. We're grown-ups. We can't run. We have to face up to the stupid things we do. Supposedly, if you face up to them, something good comes out of it. I don't know what, but –"

"15 to 20, probably," he shrugged trying at humour for the first time all day.

"I'm sorry."

Shut up. You really want to do something for me while I'm in this thing? She's your person, or whatever. Right now, I need you to make Kepner your person. I haven't said anything to Avery about this. I'm sure he saw me get carted off. But he's gonna come up with a million and one reasons…."

"What Jackson knows and doesn't know isn't important, Alex. Just focus on the fact that you told April what's going on. That's the kind of honesty she likes. You did. You told her, right?" Even though he nodded, the conversation he'd had with his girlfriend still made him wanna shoot himself in the face. No matter how good she was about it at the time, she would come to realize what he really meant…What he really was. The short answer? No good for her daughter.

"It does when Hazmat's stepdad is jailbait."

"You're not jailbait. And I'm pretty sure her name is Harriet."

"I'll start calling her that when she's about 60. I mean, I'm going to be in here at least that long, right?"

"This isn't forever. Once they post bail and we get you a court date…"

"Tell Zola and Bailey I said goodbye or something. And uh…remember to take her out for ice cream like once a week. Especially when you work shitty hours. It's better than the princess tea party thing. And um…Hunt. Yeah, tell him Bailey's not big on sports. Sometimes you gotta make it sound cooler than it is. The kid will thank him for it later."

"You're not going anywhere. I'm telling them anything. At least not right now. For now you get to sit and think about what you're going to say to them when you get out of here."

"Happy Graduation?"

"Not funny."

"It wasn't a joke. If you're smart you'll never let me near your kids again."

"That would last all of maybe…three days and you know it. They hate me, remember? Sit. Reflect. Think long and hard. Because the first thing you say your daughter…It matters."

"She's not my kid. When Avery starts putting it all together I'll be lucky if I get invited to her birthday."

"Maybe. But the more you and Kepner explore whatever it is you have, the more real it's going to feel. He's not going to like it. But you're not with her for him. You and April are together for you and April and this baby. If you're really serious about her, he's going to see that."

"Should I start calling you Ghandi? 'Cause all of this sage advice stuff is usually what Robbins does. It's annoying. And on you it just sounds…weird."

"What I'm trying to say, Alex, is that the minute Derek died, there wasn't even a question. You took Zo to every single one of her stupid dance recitals. I can't for the life of me see why she loves them but she does. You took Bailey to his first baseball game. And you sing this stupid song for Ellis when she refuses to shut up and sleep because she doesn't know what 48 hour shifts are like. She apparently doesn't care that we don't sleep. And you let me throw crap at you. All the time. I treat you like crap. And that's not fair. But you rise."

"You've been spending way too much time with Bailey…."

I know. It's kind of gross. But that's not what I'm saying. You are a father, Alex. In my book you are a father. My kids already lost one. I'll be damned if you do it to them too. So you're going to sit and you're going to think. So that this crap never happens again. Because if your girlfriend's daughter is going to be a Karev, I'd personally want it to be the good one. The one who knows how to keep her hands to herself, even when she doesn't like somebody. That's the good Karev. That's the guy my kids like more than me."

"Watch her. I know you think she's weird and she talks too much. And yeah, she's gonna be a mess about all of this…But I need you to keep her together. For the baby."

"I will. The woman lives in my house. Pretending she's not there is harder than admitting she is. Plus, she cleans," she smirked.

"And the kid. Watch her too. And uh….I don't know. Just don't do anything stupid while I'm in here."

"Oh no, you checked that one off all by yourself. This isn't forever, okay? The minute they put something up, you're coming home. That doesn't give you a lot of time to prepare your speech."

"My speech?"

"Yeah…Kepners are big on those. If you've got one for Harriet, she'll love it. I personally think it's a waste of time but, April likes stuff like that."

"Tell them that I…"

"They know that. All of them know that."

"Her kid hasn't even met me yet."

"Well then you better build up to it. Make it something memorable. Kepners love that kind of thing too." If he wasn't so mad at himself, hearing Meredith of all people stand behind his relationship was a turn of events he'd never expected, at least not to this extreme. Maybe she was spewing all this crap to make him feel better about being a murderer. He honestly didn't know.

'Avery's gonna kill me. For real this time," he mumbled.

'At least you didn't take anything from her."

"Oh I took something. She's big on trust…and good people. I basically squashed both of those at the same time." Meredith sighed, the day already draining her of most of her patience.

"What do you want, Alex? What do you really want? 'Cause if you're going to waste your time telling me you screwed everything up, I'm going to—"

"Because I do! I _did._ I was done with that stuff." She rolled her lip, trying to pull together her nerve for his sake.

"Sit down," she demanded. Alex let his eyes narrow but found his cot quietly. "You dug this hole for yourself, you know that, right?" Biting his lip he nodded. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Hell if I know. All I'm gonna do is sit here."

"Yeah….you are. You're going to sit there. And you're going to do what they freaking tell you. Because the faster you do, the sooner you get your bed back. And April. Because I swear to god, Alex, if I have to babysit her for longer than a few days, I'm going to be just like my Alzheimery mother. Who's going to cover intern Alex's ass then?"

"You trying to say what I think you're trying to say?" he smirked.

'No."

"Just…tell them I'll be home soon." He had no idea when that was going to be but for the time being, he held that theory in a vice grip. Maybe this hope stuff was a real thing. Maybe people were just making it up to keep themselves sane. Whatever the reason for it, he found himself willing to try it. Why? Because as stupid as the concept was, it seemed to work for people. And because the idea of counting sheep until he couldn't anymore was even stupider than that.

* * *

 **A/N: See you next week!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1***

* * *

As promised, Alex was released the following morning. He guessed that meant about 12 hours of sitting quietly in the tiny box, making a lengthy list of all the ways he would be making all of this up to them. Meredith seemed to have taken it stupidly well, but then again she'd stared death in the face at least a hundred times. Watching a person be put in a cell was almost a paper cut next to that. Assuming he wasn't actually convicted of anything. Half of a full day. His shifts at the hospital were almost always four times that long. And yet, he walked out of that place different. Different in a way that made everything he had worked so hard for virtually obsolete. Different in ways that made the images flashing across his brain nothing more than a story of the person he'd spent his entire life determined not to become.

"Alex, we should…get going. That's the wrong tie." The same tie he'd been fumbling with for close to twenty minutes. At this point doing away with it all together would be better. The kind of tie a guy wore to his court hearing didn't exactly determine whether or not he would be spared a sentencing.

"Well, it's not gonna really matter what tie I'm wearing when, uh—"

"Did I tell you I have a thymectomy today? Patient has myasthenia without a thymoma, so I'm thinking I can get away with a partial sternotomy." She'd cut him off so fast Alex almost wanted to laugh. If he didn't see the amount of effort she was putting in to distract him from his fate, it was even more obvious than her rain excuse.

"So, we're avoiding what's actually gonna happen today."

"We're discussing medicine. We're doing our rounds. Surgery and work. That's what's going to get us through today." He bit back a sigh. She thrived on distractions. It would only make sense that she thought the same was true for him. Until of course she blew her top and real feelings came pouring out. For Alex it was a little bit more than that. Circling the bad and picking it apart, picking himself apart until he could make sense of what the hell he'd done. A developed strategy for the few times he actually did snap. Only this time, it didn't really matter how much time he spent on it. He would probably be going to prison anyway.

* * *

Walking through the doors of the hospital, Meredith felt her entire body tense. She could practically _feel_ the judgment in these walls. Shaking her head, she bit her lip, determined to keep her head in the medicine. The rest of it would have to wait until later. Noticing the heavy silence, she couldn't help coming to the realization that it spoke to a lot of how Alex lived in general, two or three people in his corner and that was about it. As much as she knew the negative feelings were justified, the fact that almost everyone wanted to see him and his career go to crap was just further fuel for his self-hatred.

"Hey, I thought you had Alex's thing this morning." If Maggie wasn't her sister it would be even harder to listen to the chirp in her voice. Even if it was just the way she talked, there was a quality about it that just made everything floating around in her head sharper. Because she could go about her perfectly perfect day, no little voices in the back of her head she was trying to drown out with a scalpel. Her mom and dad were probably the epitome of sugar plum fairies.

"Uh, we do. We are keeping our heads up. We are working." Peirce quietly raised her brow, making sure to remain unnoticed. For someone who was trying to hide something, she wasn't doing the very best job. For a minute, she thought about asking how she really was, how she might be able to help but stopped herself.

"It happened again last night." With all the darkness that Alex's altercation was clouding around them, something light, something good…fun wasn't the worst idea.

"Again?" Meredith asked, doing her best to look like she cared. This wasn't the first telling of her "amazing night", which for the other sister just sounded like a bunch of words now. She could read into it as much as she wanted to. It was really none of her business. But Peirce was making it her business, as if she had some kind of solution.

"Riggs walked me to my car. And we said good night, and then he took me in the parking lot over and over again."

"That's the third time this week."

"Mer, these dreams are really hot." No matter how many times she'd been stopped to be Maggie's sounding board, she sometimes wished that she wasn't. It sounded too much like something she and Cristina would be talking about. Even after a year, sharing with this sister didn't feel as natural. But then again, she was bright and shiny. Qualities that weren't at all her fault but it still left a significant gap in understanding.

"In the parking lot? No." Who the hell had sex dreams about parking lots anyway? That was so far from hot and sexy. Factor in the idea that Nathan Riggs was the star of her sister's fantasies and it just got a whole lot weirder.

"I should just ask him out. I know. I'm his boss. What if I ask him and he says no, or it comes off like some gross sexual harassment?" Not what she would call sexual harassment but Maggie was still relatively green about the whole idea. Her interest in Riggs was however frustrating. She was already bouncing between the ideas of two different men. Yes, she'd been that same girl but her experiences with Derek and Finn were very, very different. She wasn't being a teenage girl.

"Which is the only kind of sexual harassment," she mumbled.

"But what if I don't ask him? Am I just gonna wait around for my life to happen? Just wait for my big love? You've had yours. Amelia has hers. I want mine. So I am acting like a grown-ass woman, and I am asking him out?" _Do it, don't do it, I really don't care_ she thought. Okay well, she did. She cared. Probably more than she wanted to. What she didn't want was to keep hearing about it.

"Was that a question mark?"

"No. Unless you think that it should be a question mark. This is happening. I'm doing this. This is definitely happening." The older of the two lightly rolled her eyes. That was five minutes of her life she wasn't going to get back.

"Good talk."

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd, how's it going?"

"I suck at marriage." Despite her superior's obvious distress, Stephanie fought a bit of a laugh.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly attempting at least half of an apology. Was she even supposed to look sorry? She'd learned quickly that it was Shepherd's way of making light of a situation but she couldn't quite join her on that same plain just yet. As much as she was willing to learn from the woman, she still couldn't find it in her to look Amelia in the eye without letting the frustration bubble up again from its usually calm state of being. If she could do her this much, she would be getting a couple of points back, but no more.

"I need a favor. Can you take Wilson on your service today?"

"No, I have Warren, and he's already familiar with my Wilma case. You know how gnarly she's gonna be."

"But if you put Wilson on your service, she doesn't have to work with Karev." As many nights as she'd dreamed about scrubbing in on a once in a lifetime surgery, she wasn't about to put her friend in a situation that had her face to face with the guy who almost killed a man in front of her. That was at least six different kinds of messed up. She was standing here in front of the doctor responsible for taking Kyle's dreams and crushing them to nothing but today wasn't going to be about her.

"I see you've picked a side."

"I'm on the side of 'We all want to punch interns, but we resist.'" No matter how rough Alex Karev claimed to be, he made a career of fixing sick and broken children. Now, with something like an assault charge following him around, he shouldn't even be within the walls of this hospital, let alone the pediatric wing. But he was. They all were. Expected to go on about their day as though there wasn't a potential criminal walking among them.

"So, Wilson gets neuro. What do you get out of it? A surgery? What?" Edwards shook her head. She was just doing her part in preventing potential blood bath. Jo did well to keep a relatively straight face but behind all the bravado, her friend was rightfully terrified.

"Nothing. Just trying to be a good friend. That's all. Please." It wouldn't surprise her at all if Alex's looming presence was one more unspoken reason for her attempt to flee. At least leaving her in the hands of the attending she once willed herself to trust, Stephanie could do her job with a cleared mind. One that would only be filled once more at the end of the day, with a bedridden boyfriend who felt absolutely useless. But she owed him that. After all the crap she'd put him through, it was a wonder he could even look at her. And whether she knew it or not, Ameila owed her this. It wasn't going to make up for the damage she'd done but it was the smallest start.

"I'll take Wilson."

"Thank you. Oh, and can you take pictures of Wilma? I want neuro porn." Behind her she heard Amelia laughing quietly, the sound of it giving her at least a little bit of hope for a good day.

* * *

Before setting foot in his first patient's room, he shook his head, letting it fill with all of the crappy reasons he and his mom were back here. Were his meds not working? Did his organ crap out? Snapping on a fresh pair of gloves, he made his way to the foot of the bed.

"Dr. Karev, this is Zach Thompson. Six months post-renal transplant, complaining of abdominal pain."

"I know the history," the attending grumbled, already low on patience. He just needed to get through the next few hours. After that, he would know how screwed he really was. Maybe then the sights and sounds replaying over constantly in his head would grow at least a little bit quieter. Maybe they would come a little bit less frequently. Maybe the guilt could dull just enough to stop feeling like a sharp stabbing to his insides. Maybe. But who was he kidding? The point of fucking up this bad was _needing_ to see it on repeat, even when you didn't want to. Especially when the guy was just an innocent bystander. There wasn't much he could do about any of that. But he could do something for Zach. At least he and his various other patients could help him find normalcy of some kind. Maybe Mer wasn't too full of crap.

"Dr. Alex." Seeing the little guy's goofy smile did at least a little bit for his nerve. He had no idea how horrible a person his doctor was. His peers had it out for him since day one but kids seemed to make the mistake of admiring him. And he in turn would play the part to the best of his ability. Because superheroes were supposed to be just that. Admirable. Indestructible. Capable of saving the world, one person at a time.

"Hey, buddy. Hey, Reena. I didn't want to see you guys here again. When did the pain start?"

"This morning. It came on kind of gradually. I got scared. His kidney is so new, and I worry." Alex nodded pressing down lightly on his belly, his brow creased when he showed obvious signs of discomfort.

"Ow. Ow!"

"Sorry, bud."

"No, I'm fine. Don't make me give my kidney back." Alex smirked, in no mood to see all of his hard work go down the tubes either.

"Well, look, I'm gonna have to run a few tests, and I need you to be brave. But remember what we say? No matter how bad it gets, no matter how scary…"

"Nothing's as bad as broccoli."

"Nothing's as bad as broccoli," he echoed, wishing that for him it was equally as simple as the bitter taste of broccoli. Still, he found himself silently repeating the cheesy mantra anyway hoping the humour in it would calm him down as well.

Leaving them to perform yet another battery of tests, Alex found his way over to the nursery, his chest tightening when he found Harriet among her peers. It was more than a little strange to consider that he hardly knew anything about her, yet she came into this crappy world already so much like her mother. Untouched and completely oblivious in so many ways. April wasn't stupid by any stretch of the imagination. But she did walk the halls of this hospital, of their home with more faith in good intention than anyone he'd ever met in his life.

"Hi there, sweet girl," he whispered running his index finger along her tummy. "You and me, we're gonna take a ride over to your mom and dad. I'm not too sure what's going through his head but I can tell you one thing, your mama's been dying to see you. Almost like you didn't just spend the last nine months together or something," he chuckled. Slowly wheeling her over to April's room, he could feel his own tension lessening in small increments. _Must be a Kepner thing_. "Here's our girl." April smiled, both at the sight of her daughter and how easily those words seemed to glide off of her boyfriend's tongue. Almost as though they might actually belong there. Jackson ignored the minor burn in his chest when the words left his friend's mouth. No matter how much of this he had done to himself, there were still parts of it he absolutely hated. Karev would be given the all-access pass to his daughter, simply because the two were dating. Hell, last he checked, they seemed to be living together too. That same man was being charged with assault of some kind. But he knew better than to bring up the last part.

"Hi, sweetie. Gimme, gimme, gimme." Carefully lifting the newborn from her cot, Alex gently handed her off to her mother, the smile on April's face so wide he thought her face might crack. After the way her baby entered the world, it wasn't something he would be poking fun at for at least a little while.

"Harriet is gaining weight right on schedule. She's healthy and fat." Seeing the grin on both of their faces, he mentally checked that off as at least one thing he hadn't screwed up today.

"Fat baby," Jackson sang absently offering a fist bump he found himself returning.

"Fat baby," he smiled, quietly committing the baby's tiny face to memory. Depending on how this thing went, hers would be one of few faces to remind him of the good this place had to offer when they dished out his punishment.

"And healthy enough to go home today." Only seconds after giving them what was supposed to be good news, he saw his girlfriend's face fall a little. _Three, two…_

"Yeah?"

Are you sure she's ready? What about her respirations? I thought I—"

"Kepner, you can take your kid home." April bit her lip nervously, trying hard to believe that he was right. All the same, as prepared as she was to be a mother, taking her outside of these walls after the night on the counter in Meredith's kitchen… "Look, I got to go," Alex mumbled absent-mindedly. As soon as she could connect the dots, April felt for him. No matter how unsure she was, Harriet was perfectly fine. God had given her the most amazing gift. She trusted that He would do the same for Alex in the courtroom today.

"Oh, that's today," Jackson realized quietly. She nodded beside him, her face dipping even further. Kissing her lightly on the cheek while pulling gently at a ringlet of her hair, he sighed, for once not caring about what Avery had to say on the matter. What he really wanted to do was something he reserved for the times when it was just the two of them but he held it together, no matter how much it would calm his anxious mind.

"I'll be seeing the two of you later," he whispered, ignoring the eyes in the back of his skull when he ran a finger along her tiny cheek and dropped a kiss to her temple before pulling away.

"Congrats on the fat baby."

"Okay, yeah, thanks." His back was almost completely turned before Jackson found the nerve to speak again, hating the way the new words sounded in his mouth. He felt even worse about how they felt. "You too." Seemingly simple words. What April had with Alex was by no means solidified by anything but for now he was going to at the very least be around. He would be making an impression on Harriet. Given recent events, flags went up in every direction. No way in hell was he ready to bring that around his daughter. But the words were out there anyway. If hearing them helped him get his act together, cool. If Alex was actually convicted, even better for him in a lot of ways. _But Harriet aside, it'll completely destroy her._ For April's sake, he hoped it worked out for Karev. _For April_.

"Why the face? It's a good thing." Now that she no longer had to be brave for Alex, she let her face crumble, subconsciously pulling away from him if he tried using touch to make her feel better about being separated from her daughter. Not enough could be said or done to make her feel anything but hurt. Add the fact that her boyfriend could very well be going to prison and it was all just so much more than her natural tendency to cry over almost anything.

"Not for me."

"What do you mean?"

"My incision opened back up. They want to do wound therapy. Harriet's going home. But I'm not." As much as she wanted to turn away from his pitying eyes, she couldn't tear her gaze from her daughter. It would be days, maybe even weeks before she could be a mother to her own child. All because the stupid thing decided to come undone. Instead she forced herself to split her energy between being grateful for the health of her baby and praying quietly for Alex's good outcome. Even if there wasn't a single good thing about what he was facing right now.

* * *

"So, they're just charging you today," Meredith reminded him. As much as it was meant to settle her friend, she found it to be somewhat soothing for her as well. Nothing had even happened yet. This was just meant to tell them how big their hurdle actually was.

"I know."

"It'll probably be a misdemeanor with probation."

"I know, Mer," he sighed biting back on his own tongue. She was trying to be helpful. Instead her attempt to comfort him was turning into a self-soothing exercise she was hiding in ways that only Meredith Grey could. And knowing that just made him feel worse about this whole thing. The minute he set foot in the courtroom, any attempt at a wall came crashing down around him. This was actually happening. He was about to be given a name for the level of rage he'd blindly displayed. How long he would be sitting in a tiny box reliving it over and over and over again would come later but this felt real enough already.

"Is the State ready to charge?" The judge's voice and others just like it had been the subject of his worst nightmare. He remembered it the night he'd all but beaten his own father to death. He remembered it being there after he'd punched Shane Ross for doing to the guy what he'd always wanted to do himself. He'd just never been strong enough to go through with it. Or maybe it was some kind of shallow affection for the guy who put him here in the first place. Possibly pity. The second seemed to be the most likely emotion. Because Jimmy Evans had reached a point where he didn't even _realize_ how pathetic he was. And really, that seemed to be punishment enough at the time. Even worse was the thought that being a surgeon helped his conscience somehow. Being a doctor helped him be good. _That's all about to be shot to shit but whatever_.

"We are, Your Honor. We're seeking felony assault in the second degree." Felony? Second degree? Just hearing the words put a heartbeat in his ears. Alex always walked around almost believing himself to be no better than dirt. History didn't leave room for much of anything else. But hearing it? Putting the words in somebody else's mouth? Well, then it was true. It was all true.

"Felony? This must be a mistake." _It's probably not_ he thought. But the lady was being paid good money to tell people otherwise. The least he could do is watch her try. _Sorry Blaze, turns out you were right. You were right about everything._ Alright so she hadn't exactly called him shit in so many words but she was smart to have stayed away from him for as long as she had. _And the minute she thinks I'm worth anything, this happens…_

"It's not, Your Honor."

"What the hell? I thought—" he muttered. Just because he'd called himself jailbait didn't mean he was ready to actually play the part. Just because he thought of himself as scum of the earth didn't mean that he needed to hear it confirmed. _Well…_

"The State is pulling this at the last minute." _This is actually a long time coming lady. I kind of fell off a really crappy tree._

"It's called prosecutorial discretion." Whatever the hell that meant he knew it wasn't good. If it wasn't something they heard in most cases, it was either something somebody pulled out of their ass or a step they took when things were really bad. Right now he'd bet his money on the second option. Either that or DeLuca was freaking desperate and was now grasping at straws.

"It's overreaching."

"It's not, Your Honor."

"This is a misdemeanor case."

"Tell that to the victim seated here in the courtroom a first-year surgical intern who almost lost his career when the defendant, his professional superior, his teacher, was unable to mask his rage. This act was a felony. The State and Dr. DeLuca want the appropriate justice here." No matter how serious the situation in front of him was, something about hearing DeLuca being called a victim that made him shiver. Victim made it sound like the guy was dead. As alive as he was, arm sling and all, it made him realize just how close he'd come to actually ending the guy's life. A scenario he'd already entertained various times but the labels just sunk it in even further.

"You want to argue this now? Fine. The defendant is a pediatric surgeon with no priors. He – "

"We're not at trial. We're here to enter a plea to the charge. And the charge is felony assault in the second degree."

"How do you plead, ? How do you plead, Dr. Karev?" How did he plead? It would make so much sense to simply put him back in the box and throw away the key. It would be nice and simple, clean cut to actually slip into Jimmy's shoes. At the very least it answered a few questions about life. But he had people now. Real people. People who had the audacity to believe in him. Meredith never used so many words but he knew that she did. April ran those words around like they were part of her favourite song sometimes. She said it even when he didn't need to hear it. Maybe not always with words, but her eyes. Sometimes it came through her eyes. Or the way she touched him. That night she held him when he felt like absolute crap about Wilson. Her willingness to let her anywhere near her baby. And the kids. Especially the kids. Zola seemed naïve enough to believe that Uncle Alex walked on water sometimes. Her brother would just give him this stupefied look most of the time. And there were the babies. The ones who had no idea how many mistakes he'd made. They would only know the man he was moving forward. If he had any hope of making a life with April, watching Zola graduate high school after all the stuff she'd been through in Malawi…Sure it was a helluva long way off but whatever. All of it still mattered.

"You have to answer." Pulling himself out of his head, Alex cleared his throat.

"Not guilty." A plea that was both true and not true. If he gave into it completely he would never get the chance to atone for his mountain of sins. No matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much he believed that everyone around him would just be better off.

* * *

Siting out in front of the water was supposed to be calming. Still, he couldn't quiet the hundreds of voices floating around in his head. Aaron, Jimmy, his mother screaming at the top of her lungs while blood painted the kitchen floor. And Amber. Fucking Amber. The little sister he hadn't heard from in what felt like a freaking lifetime. _Because you left. Just like Dad._ Well, she had one thing right. Now he was just like Dad.

"This is just a charge."

"Yeah, a felony charge," he mumbled. He felt himself continue to roll the word around his tongue, hoping against all hope that at some point it would be easier to say that. When somebody interviewed him for his next job and found it on his record, he would have to get used to hearing it too. _"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand"_ A stupid quote or something he heard one of the teenage girls going on about in peds. He actually thought the whole thing was really dumb but right here, right now, this was his life. This is how far he'd freaking fallen. And on the other side of a prison sentencing is where he stood. He deserved it honestly. After all the crap he'd pulled in life, the number of patients he'd killed; even if it was by accident. It all added up to something like this.

"But you haven't been convicted of anything. Alex." Not yet. But it was coming. The stupid boulder was rolling so fast down the freaking hill he couldn't do anything about it now. And this time, it had nothing to do with a baby.

No matter how reassuring she was trying to be, broccoli was still broccoli. Cooked or not it still wasn't fun to eat. No matter how much good it did them, most people did everything they could to avoid it. And sure, maybe some time in a box would give him time to reflect or whatever, but in exchange he would be missing out on way too much. Yeah he could probably find another job. One that paid way less that didn't have the crappy hours to go with it. But he didn't work his ass off to go sell smokes at a Shell station. He spent years in school, gave up his family for this job. To be a surgeon.

"Every single one. Every guy I grew up with is either right where I left him, dead, or in prison. I thought I was special 'cause I went to med school. Guess you can't wash the stink off trash." Alex swallowed hard, realizing how prepared he had always been for something like this to happen. Today he wanted to take it all back. The misinterpreting, the medical murders he'd committed, all of it. Because now after so many years, he actually had people counting on him. A family. And that was all about to go up in smoke, a cloud that didn't feel nearly as relieving as his failed relationship with Jo. This new one left him short of breath with a racing heart and sweaty palms. Because no matter how much he wished to escape it, his hell was coming.

"You're not trash. You're a surgeon, and you are not going to prison." He sighed, not having the strength to counter her claim. Because truth of the matter was, no matter how good you did for yourself, there was really no escaping where you came from. What you're really meant to be in this world. He just had the laughable illusion that he could heal people. He was crazy enough to believe that if he saved enough people, the fact that he'd forgotten his sister would hurt less. But here he was, hurting her even more by becoming the man who'd betrayed her the most. Jimmy Evans was as close to Satan as anyone was going to get in this lifetime.

"You don't know that." Nobody did. All he knew was how crappy today felt already and it wasn't even close to over yet.

"You are not going to prison." _Okay, Mer. I'm not going to prison_ he thought, realizing that his girlfriend would be saying much the same thing if she was the one sitting there. The redhead had obviously been horrified, a dozen kinds of doubt flashing across her face before he'd even begun to explain anything. There wasn't a lot to explain but he'd tried. And she still had the sense to let him hold Harriet, ready to watch her new baby perform some kind of miraculous feat. There had been nothing…miraculous honestly. But he did leave the room feeling calmer. A peace that lasted all of a couple of minutes before cops put him in cuffs and walked him out in front of the entire hospital.

* * *

As many times as he'd been in this office, it was never for something like this. As many mistakes as he'd made in medicine, today he actually felt like he was sitting in the principal's office. No matter how much Webber yelled and got all authoritative, Dr. Bailey was far worse. Small but mighty or something. There was also the fact that she and Robbins "raised him" or whatever. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't even be here. In about a week or so all of their work would be for nothing but at least the last dozen years had been nice.

"Do you know the charge?" he asked. Of course she did. Why else would he be sitting here? The rumour mill had obviously also done its part. The whole hospital knew his personal crap.

"Yes. The D.A. subpoenaed DeLuca's medical records and your personnel file." _Just to see how fucked up I really am_ he thought.

"What now?" He realized as soon as he said it that the question was a stupid one. He'd done a lot of stupid in the last little while. Why not add just one more?

"What now? What now? You know, people come to this hospital so that we can help them. Do you know how many problems I have to deal with already? Who gets the expensive experimental drug? Whose body deserves the organ transplant? Which parent is ready to hear that, "Yes, your toddler is dead, but here is a bill for a quarter million dollars anyway." Problems! Real problems, Karev. Yet somehow you are now problem number one. A pediatric surgeon walking around this hospital with an assault charge. Do you realize what happens if you're convicted of a felony?!" Alex raised a brow, trying to hide the hint of a laugh from his expression. The long wind of responsibilities she'd been given wasn't something to just fall into her lap. She fought for this job. A job she'd apparently been waiting on her entire medical career. How was the size of her plate his problem? He'd take responsibility for being a doctor gone sideways but that was it. He had half the mind to tell her so but kept his mouth shut.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey, I realize." What was happening to him didn't exactly fall into his lap either, though everyone and their mother made a point to remind him just how big the mess was. He could count on one hand the number of people at least trying to be supportive. They really shouldn't but it was a nice enough gesture that they were there trying. The rest of them just made feeling like crap intensify.

"Well, do you have a decent lawyer? Do you need help or—"

"Are we done?" One minute she's sitting there hitting him with a leather belt and the next she's wrapping him in a blanket. _What the hell?_ People were either one or the other. It was clear that his boss was freaking furious with him. Why not just stick to that? He'd already heard multiple versions of disappointment over the last few days, hers included.

"DeLuca's starting back today. Is there gonna be a problem?" No. Alex was here to work. It probably wasn't going to be for very much longer anyway.

"Not from me." As long as they both minded their own business they could walk these halls like adults.

"Then we're done."

* * *

April wondered if Jackson's taking his time was intentional or not. They should have been gone hours ago. _You weren't letting go of the baby_ she realized. Admitting it to herself just made it that much harder to swallow past the rise in her throat. Because if she let go, he would leave. They wouldn't be back until at least the next morning. And she couldn't have that yet. Not yet.

"When you get home, just put her in the little yellow onesie with the frogs on it. That was her going home from the hospital onesie." April had told him a handful of times already. He wanted to tell her that this wasn't going to be a forever situation but the catch in her voice kept him quiet. Because it wasn't supposed to happen like this. Originally they were supposed to be doing something like this together but Jackson had ruined that for the both of them. And now because a few stitches came loose April was being robbed of the first few days. Yeah it was unfair but it wasn't the end of the world. He would be bringing Harriet back every day to see her but he knew that was far removed from the actual point.

"I know. I'll take pictures." Hearing her dissolve into tears again he sighed.

"Hey…"

"She's going home without me." No matter how many times she said the words they still stung.

"Yeah. And what did we just say about that?"

"The important thing is that she's healthy and I'm healthy."

"Exactly," he whispered. As often as she scowled at Alex for a similar expression, she found rolling her eyes to be oddly therapeutic.

"That's crap! She's supposed to be with me bonding and attaching or whatever. Smelling me like birds and dogs." Because no matter how healthy anybody was, it was still complete and utter crap. She would be here tied to a hospital bed while her daughter bonded with Jackson first. Little girls seemed to be already predisposed to a preference for her father. God knows she and each of her sisters were. This just made it even more so. It would be days before she could even begin the fight for sloppy seconds.

"Birds and dogs?" If he wasn't holding their brand new baby, she would send a pillow flying at her ex-husband's head. He was a doctor. He understood hormones. More than that he knew how sensitive she was in general. How dare he poke at her for feeling like a failure as a mother.

"Shut up. It's nature. How's she gonna attach to me when she's there and I'm here?" She wasn't. It was all that simple. Harriet would want absolutely nothing to do with her. She might as well get used to the idea now, before it really had a chance to settle in.

"You're gonna be discharged soon." Like that even meant anything. Jackson knew just as well as she did that going home didn't change the fact that she would still be useless. And what the hell did he care? She lived with Alex. Even if the worst happened to him, Meredith wasn't going to kick her out or anything. They'd all lived together once. One thing was for sure, she wasn't crawling back to Jackson.

"And then what? I'm still gonna be in recovery. You know the ins and outs of post-op incisions. I'm not even gonna be able to pick her up with without help. I'm gonna have to hire someone to come and take care of her, some mama bird who smells good and bonds with my baby while I just lie there and watch." Honestly her worst nightmare realized but there wasn't much she could do about it. What she could do was sit here and cry. Mourn. She wasn't about to force him to witness the whole thing. "You know what? You should just go."

"I'm not going anywhere while you're this upset." Actually that's exactly when he should be going. Because the more of this he saw, the more inclined he would feel to do something about it. That wasn't his job anymore. It wasn't even Alex's. But he did. He always did, whether it was something he said or something he did for her. And the one time he needed her to do something for him, she was here. Useless. She couldn't do anything for Harriet or Alex. Absolutely useless.

"You have to because I'm not gonna stop. I'm just gonna die of dehydration." Jackson scoffed. He knew her to exaggerate a lot of the time but even that was a stretch.

"Shh, it's gonna be alright, you know." No, it wasn't going to be alright. None of it was alright. Alex was being told by the state that he was a criminal, she was already failing her daughter. It was all just a mess. Such a mess. And ironically, Jackson was the picture perfect father. He would get the first few precious moments that she would have to miss out on.

"Get out!" she shouted. Before they were even out the door, April turned her head bringing the pillow partly across her face. Maybe she could pray. Yes. Pray. One of few things that really brought her to centre. Pray that God would look after Alex while he worked his way through whatever court put on him. Because despite having done something absolutely awful, it didn't make him a terrible person. And if she had learned anything about her boyfriend over the years it was that he took so much out on himself already.

* * *

"Dr. Karev, uh, I've got Zach's labs. His CRP is a little elevated, but, um - Dr. Karev?" Alex shook his head, Warren's voice finally coming through his tunnel of thought.. Ben had been in his ear all day about Zach. Weren't residents supposed to know at least _something_ about being a doctor by now?

"What?" he mumbled absently.

"I just didn't know if you heard me." _Yeah, I heard you_ he thought impatiently. _Sort of_.

"Uh, just, uh, tell me what the C.T. showed."

"Well, his kidney looks good, but he is showing signs of early appendicitis." What the hell? This kid had a brand new kidney. So new that his incision was just starting to heal without obvious stitches.

"What?" He all but ripped the scan from his hands, flipping through it himself. _Dammit!_ Literally the last thing he wanted to be telling this kid and his single, overprotective mother. So far the score was a pretty good sign of things to come. Life; 2, Alex; 1.

* * *

"Appendicitis? So he needs another surgery?" Zach wouldn't be the first kid to need his appendix taken out. He was however at the mercy of early days of recovering from surgery, anti-rejection meds, the whole ten yards. Add the fact that he'd pretty much begged to keep his kidney and well, maybe not being a doctor anymore wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to him.

"Well, I want to avoid that. The immunosuppressants he's on because of the transplant put him at greater risk for post-op infections. I want to start him on broad-spectrum antibiotics, see if it clears up on its own."

"Okay."

"I'll be by to check on him every hour."

"Thank you."

"Which means you and I are gonna be here hanging out all day. I bet I can score a video game for your room, deal?"

"Deal." The surgeon sighed. If there was one good thing about working with kids it was that they never really got their heads around how scary anything really was. Just give them some cheesy metaphor and they believed it with their whole heart. _Nothing is as bad as broccoli_. The bad thing? If you didn't try hard enough, broccoli started sounding like the much better option.

* * *

For someone who was supposed to be her family, Meredith was still somewhat unapproachable for free flowing conversation. It made sense that she was a little bit more than distracted today given what had happened to Andrew but she knew better than to think she wasn't still standing behind him regardless. It made sense, in a twisted way. While everyone was rallying around DeLuca (herself included), Meredith was out there holding a bit of a candle for Alex. There were times she wanted to call her out on taking the wrong side of the ring but once again held back. As much as seeing him laid up on the table left a bitter taste in her Maggie's mouth, it had to be a completely different feeling to be behind the man who actually put him there.

"So, uh, how's Alex holding up?" Maggie asked, not sure what else could be discussed over a patient's open body. She worried that not asking and quietly diverting to another subject would come off as insensitive. Based on Meredith's expression, bringing it up wasn't a good idea either.

"He's working. I'm working. We're focused on medicine." Even Pierce found the mantra to be a little trying but she kept quiet.

"Right, yes, good. We should all focus on medicine. Lap pads. Just—How should I ask Riggs out? Is there a way to do it so that the boss thing isn't a thing?" The toher doctor bit her lip behind her mask. She was actually going to go through with that? Crap. To come out and say something to the effect of having been out with him first would be pathetic and a little immature but she was getting tired of hearing his name in her sister's mouth

"Oh, you actually meant that. You're ask gonna Riggs out?" How she was actually going to prevent that from happening she had no freaking clue but she had to find something. Nathan was too nice of a guy to let down someone with brutal honesty, which in itself was a good thing where Maggie was concerned. It just had a tendency to make things messy. Like with Finn. Finn was a nice guy. The better guy even. In the end she'd gone right back to where she started but that didn't take away from the general confusion.

"Grey, what are you doing tonight?" What was she doing tonight? Nothing. Time with her kids maybe. Checking in on April before leaving for the night but beyond that, nothing else. Clearly Owen was rewriting her evening.

"Nothing."

"Uh, Amelia invited Riggs to dinner at our house. She's trying to make us, I don't know, friends again. I need you to come over and talk to him so I don't have to." Meredith kept a quiet laugh to herself. The ink wasn't even dry on their marriage certificate and already Amelia was playing fixer wife to Hunt and all of his once forgotten friendships. The one with Riggs in particular.

"I'm busy," she edited quickly. Just because she didn't know what they were yet didn't mean she was in any mood to work it out yet. She didn't have the time. Alex was one big spill she was still cleaning up and she'd be working that until he was free of all charges.

"Wh—Come on. You guys got along at the wedding." Yes. At the wedding. Which thankfully had an open bar at the reception.

"It was a wedding. I had tequila." Because honestly, there was no other way to survive being in a room alone with Nathan Riggs.

"You need a buffer? I can buffer. I'm a great buffer." Poor Maggie. So quick to jump at the chance to be around a guy she could barely form a sentence around. But that was Pierce. Mostly awkward with a pie slice of confidence somewhere in there. It was a decent slice but still. Mostly awkward.

"You're free?"

"Tonight's perfect. What time?" The perfect opportunity to work her way through some kind of invitation. Maybe all the wine would help her get it out with more conviction than sobriety ususally gave her.

"8:00-ish?"

"Uh, awesome, I'll be there."

"We'll see you at 8:00." So much for a quiet night at home…

"Hey, you changed your mind." She sounded so…happy? For what? Because she'd changed her answer on what probably looked like a whim? No. She planned to go with the intent of some kind of damage control. Give him warning. Something. If he wasn't already so tightly wound around his mess with DeLuca, she would throw Alex a moment of annoyance. He was the one who wanted her to lighten up, get out there, whatever. Well great. Now she was out there. Fighting her sister for a boy. A stupid boy. All because he was moderately decent with his penis.

"If you're going, I'll go."

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd, I-I just want to say thank you for letting me work on your service. I know that you—"

"Stop thanking me. We got work to do. Wilma is waiting."

"Wilma?"

"Nasty, annoying Wilma."

"It says here Patricia," she corrected with a not so subtle whisper. It was one thing to have a patient who was constantly griping about or trying to direct their own medical care. And yes patient's like that weren't anybody's favourite but the very least they could do was say her name right to her face.

"Hello," Shepherd practically sang, the ease at which she was being dismissed leaving her to decide to drop the subject. The woman in question didn't seem at all phased by being misnamed.

"So, how we doing?"

"I'm fine," she chirped, strangely happy for a woman who had a giant tumour sitting on her brain.

"It's not Wilma," she hissed in one last ditch effort to keep the attending from offending the nice older woman.

"So, you know the drill. We are going to draw a few more labs, do a pre-op C.T., and tomorrow, it is all about Wilma."

"It's Patricia. Patricia."

"Oh, she's talking about the tumor, dear. I'm Patricia. The tumor is Wilma." _Oh…_ Realizing her mistake Jo ducked to hide a moment of embarrassment. She wasn't the first person to name her tumour. Kids in peds loved that kind of thing. Wilson frowned, the thought of pediatrics bringing Alex to her mind front and centre. A thought that once made her smile now had her fighting tears. It was one thing for him to poke a stick at her. A lot of times it was all in the name of fun. Sometimes it wasn't. This last time was…This last time was noting she ever expected, especially from someone who knew as much as he did about her. She found herself subtly shaking her head, hoping to do away with any thoughts of him and the way his fist flew into DeLuca's face.

"She named her tumor after her ex-husband's mistress." _Great..._ Just what she needed to hear. All about mistresses. Suddenly the idea of being on Grey's service as a second alternative sounded a lot less hurtful. That was saying a lot considering how attached at the hip the two always were. Since the altercation it seemed even more so. Jo was clearly the enemy. No real surprise there. But the last thing she needed to hear was a story that reflected her own too well.

"Wilma because they're both parasitic mounds of unwanted flesh." _Ummm…Okay_. She hated looking at both April and Alex's faces lately but they were far from being called that. She wanted nothing to do with them but that was beside the point.

"And tomorrow, we are kicking Wilma's ass."

"Yeah, that bitch is going down." She offered Patricia a weak smile, glad to see she was at least enthusiastic about surgery. The way they were going about it though was starting to make her uncomfortable.

"Wilson, meet Wilma. Tomorrow, we beat the crap out of this bitch. Come on. Show some enthusiasm." She would if she knew how. In her current frame of mind, it just made her insides turn themselves into tight knots.

"I'm enthusiastic. It's just that the tumor is a woman named Wilma." A woman. A woman who was by no means innocent but she didn't deserve a beating either.

"So?"

"And you're excited to kick Wilma's ass and beat the crap out of Wilma. And it's cute when it's the name of a tumour. It's just that when it's the name of a woman, it's it's—" It was degrading is what it was. Abusive. But Dr. Shepherd wouldn't realize that. Patricia certainly wouldn't even know what she was going on about.

"It's what?"

"It's nothing. It's nothing," she mumbled. There was no real point in opening it back up. Wilma wasn't even a real person. What did it really matter? _But the mass had been named after a woman deemed no better than trash left at the side of the road._ No better than her. After a moment of dropped silence, Jo saw Amelia's eyes light up with realization, a moment of guilt flashing across her face before it disappeared. The moment was supposed to make her feel a little bit better but when people suddenly noticed things, you became the subject of pity. And that, the sad eyes and the "I'm sorries" were not things she wanted to hear right now.

"The Karev thing, I'm an idiot. Here I am, saying all these violent things after what you've been through…"

"What I've been through?" As great as the neuro attending was, she didn't know the first thing about what Jo had been through. None of them did.

"Witnessing Karev attack DeLuca. I'm sorry. I'm bringing up bad memories. You must think I am the worst person." No. Being the worst person was meant for people who realized and then fell all over her, walking on eggshells to keep her from falling apart. Shepherd just didn't know. Why the hell would she?

"It's—It's okay. I'm fine." As many times as she had repeated the two reassurances over the last few days, nothing about them felt believable. They were slowly becoming even more so as her words were beginning to lose their original meaning.

"Are you?" _Well no, but you don't need to hear about my crap._ Yet, she found herself opening her mouth anyway.

"I don't have any place to live. And the entire hospital won't stop whispering about the scarlet letter on my chest. So it just feels like I'm trapped in a glass box and everyone's on the outside watching while I run out of air. But, yeah, it's I'm great." She knew that Amelia could hear the lie but at this point she was just so tired. She'd tried for sarcasm anyway, the usual edge in it dead on her tongue. After so long, she was really just exhausted. Freaking exhausted. And right back to where she started.

"Okay. I'm having a housewarming party, and you are coming. You need a break from your life. Alex will not be there. I just picked a side, and I'm on yours." Jo pulled her lips together trying to absorb all of her attending's words. The last thing she wanted was to be at some party. At parties everyone saw you. Everyone asked stupid questions about how your life was going. And then you were forced to lie. The sky was coming down around almost everyone and still they lied about it. As much as she wished to take a break from life, it didn't give a damn about how tired you were. It just kept going about its business expecting you to keep up. Still, the idea that Alex wouldn't be making an appearance helped a little. So much so that she ignored the tiny voice in her head that was ready to tell Shepherd she didn't need her. Not for this.

* * *

Stepping onto the elevator, Meredith subconsciously shuffled back. DeLuca was both the last person she wanted to see as well as being the one she had hoped to trap in an elevator for a couple of minutes. Nothing malicious. Just long enough to get her point across.

"First day back?" The air in the elevator was thick, all the judgement he wasn't showing her clear in Andrew's general stance. This was either going to be a civil two minute ride or one of them was going to complicate the situation. "How is it?" she mumbled.

"It's fine." Fine? Just fine? Well that was good. At least one of them could go about their day as if it was any other one. Meredith sighed, leaning against the rail to gather her thoughts.

"DeLuca, I know I don't know you very well, but you know I was attacked." She was by no means ready to relive getting thrown around like a ragdoll but if it helped her prove a subtle point, then okay.

"I remember."

"I didn't want to forgive the guy who attacked me. But I did because I needed to." Andrew scowled. How were the two situations anything alike? Meredith's attacker had just had a massive seizure. At most, Alex Karev had, had a drink or two.

"The guy who attacked you was in a fugue state. Dr. Karev knew what he was doing."

"Have you ever made a horrible mistake because you overreacted or you just had the wrong information? Dr. Karev is genuinely sorry and would like to tell you himself." Well that right there pointed to the very reason he never planned to forgive the attending. Misinformation wasn't a one-way ticket to almost ending a surgeon's career. If anything he should have _asked_ before breaking almost his entire body.

"Well, I'm—I'm not ready for that." Considering all the damage Alex had done, he wasn't sure he ever would be.

"Okay. Just…you are an intern, and you shouldn't be spending your time in a courtroom. You should be scrubbing in on surgeries. This job is hard enough. Just don't need to make it any harder." Andrew bit down hard on a laugh then, the words coming out of Dr. Grey's mouth leaving him to wonder if she had any idea what they were. Harder? _He_ was making it harder? He was the one in a sling. He was the one who had to have his face reset. How much "harder" could a one-armed doctor make it for his attacker? Compensation for all the damage hardly seemed like anything but it was at least something he could do for himself. Something he could hand out as punishment. It wasn't' going to make up for what Alex did but it was something. Which is exactly what he was doing. None of which made it a rule that he had to say a word to the guy.

"Look, we shouldn't talk about the case, alright?"

"Okay, okay." She was only trying to help him see that Alex wasn't the devil but that clearly wasn't get through to anybody.

"Look, I know you can keep me out of the O.R. You can end my career, and you can ruin my life if you want to."

"I'm not trying to ruin your life." _I'm just trying to save his._

"You don't get to." It took her a full minute to realize he wasn't talking about the comment Meredith kept in her head. "You think because you're an attending and Dr. Karev's an attending you can threaten me? I don't care. It's not gonna work." When did she threaten him? What more did she ask him to do than try and eventually forgive Alex? _Crap…_

* * *

The minute she stepped off the elevator into the NICU, Meredith sighed quietly. Just by standing in a room with helpless tiny babies, her friend didn't look threatening at all. And her attempt to prove that just bit her in the ass. As if he wasn't freaked out enough, she was about to add to it unintentionally.

"Okay, so, this is bad." The words were all too frequent for him to pay too much attention. When had Meredith Grey not done something bad? If it was all the same to her, he wasn't ready to hear it. He was in no mood to fix her right now.

"Well, save it, 'cause I don't need it."

"I think I might have just threatened DeLuca." As if his heart rate wasn't already spiked enough after sitting in that courtroom…

"What? What?" he hissed, using the time between them to make sure he heard correctly.

"I was trying to help," she mumbled. _Yeah well, save it. You and your "help" are making my hole even bigger._

"What?!"

"I didn't mean it." Oh well of course she didn't mean it! As per usual she just opened her mouth and spoke her one-sided mind. His friend was so dark and whatever that she didn't see this as something that couldn't be fixed. On top of that "I didn't mean it" usually means that you do. You mean it. That stuff was okay coming from a kid. But an adult? An adult just makes it all so stupid.

"What did you—Why would you s—What exactly did you say?"

"He twisted my words." The surgeon groaned. All things considered, he wouldn't be all that surprised if in fact he did. But at the same time, Meredith had a way of taking the shovel herself and throwing dirt around, even if the original intention is to "help".

"I just got charged with a felony today. This is my life, Mer." Like they didn't already know that?

Dr. Karev. I was just looking at Zach's latest absolute neutrophil count, and—"

"I saw it. It's fine," he sighed. Warren was starting to feel like a freaking puppy. Bugging an attending about every little thing was stuff interns did. At this point, if you ran to your teacher about every little math problem, there's absolutely no reason for you to be in school.

"Well, his heart rate is inching up."

"I've had him for three years. His heart rate rises every time he comes here. He's a nervous kid." Honestly, if he chased every rise in blood pressure ever where Zach was concerned he would never be able to do his job.

"But this looks—"

I looked at it. I saw the labs. I did my job, now do yours." _Just leave me the hell alone_.

"I'll keep you posted," Ben muttered. If Dr. Karev had his head on straight, he wouldn't have to feel like he was constantly underfoot. If he couldn't well then he really shouldn't be here. All things considered, it was justified that he wasn't really here. But if that was the case, why wasn't he at home?

"Crap. You think DeLuca's gonna say anything?"

"I don't know."

"Yeah, he will."

"Or he won't. We can't control it. All we can do is just go on, live our lives, be there for our patients and our friends, and go to dinner parties."

"I'm not going to a party."

"You have to go because I have to go. And if I can go to court for you, you can go to a dinner party for me. 8:00."

"I'm not going to a stupid party, Mer. My head is filled with enough crap as it is."

"Which is exactly why you should be going. You'll be going home to an empty house if you don't." _All the more reason_. "The last thing you should be is alone." Alex laughed. That sounded so much like something her shrink would say. "What? You're going to get off work and just spend the rest of the night going batshit crazy."

"Or I can get off work and go sit with April. I know she feels like crap about the baby going home with Avery. We can go feel like crap together."

"Harriet's going home with Jackson?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "I know she's been freaking out about since I left them this morning. She would be throwing me a text every three minutes if I didn't have all of this court shit on my plate. If I go to the stupid party I'm just going to sit there. I'd rather be putting my time into making sure she doesn't do something to keep her here longer than she has to be. Kid needs her mom."

"And then what? Avery comes to visit every other day?" She didn't have anything against the guy. He was more than a decent surgeon. He hadn't completely screwed her over but the three of them in a small room could go one of two ways. And frankly, she wasn't too excited about World War III breaking out in her living room.

"I don't know, okay? All we know right now is that we live together and I'm not about to tell her to take a hike any time soon, especially with a brand new baby."

"I wasn't going to kick her out," Meredith mumbled.

"Good. Cause if you did, you'd be losing me too," he muttered in return.

"Not sure you can do that yet, even if you wanted to. You promised my daughter you would help her finish her science project, remember?"

"You mean do it for her?" he chuckled. Meredith smirked with a bit of a shrug.

"All I know is that when I tried to touch the thing, she gave me this five minute rant about how 'only Uncle Alex can do it right'." _Good. Cause I'm not ready to leave yet either._ And the more people around to help with the baby, the better. Maybe when she saw how obsessed they were with her kid it would make her feel less like someone who was asking for help.

"I'm not going to the party," he repeated.

"Go to the party, don't go to the party. I don't care what you do, just don't be hanging around here all night."

"Yes Mom," he whispered sarcastically.

* * *

Taking a few small steps into her room, Alex stopped himself, the topic of conversation she was already in letting him know that he was obviously interrupting.

"You're still crying?" he asked. Even though he'd been gone all day, her face showed clear signs of stopping the steady stream only a handful of times.

"Of course I'm still crying," she mumbled knowing already how ridiculous she sounded to her captive audience of two grown men. Alex sighed pulling a chair up beside her bed and taking her hand silently. She was quick to shift the phone to her other hand, straining to listen for her baby's steady breathing beyond Jackson's attempts to provide her comfort.

"April, come on, okay? I'm gonna bring her by every single day at the hospital. We already talked about it."

"See?" he whispered, Avery's voice carrying just enough in the relatively quiet room that he heard bits and pieces of the solution. "You can take a breath…maybe two," he mumbled gently.

"As soon as you get home, we'll fly your mom back out, get her to stay out here for a couple months." Not the worst idea he'd ever come up with. He'd only talked to Karen Kepner for all of a minute after her wedding went down the toilet, and for the most part she went on about how out of place his face was for such a "happy occasion". He would have pointed out that the whole thing was a bust and that this is how almost everybody's faces looked now but he held his tongue.

"My mom already came for as long as she could, okay? I can't ask her to come back out. She's— She's got work." At this point Alex almost wanted to pull up behind her and rub the tension out of her shoulders or something. Anything to stop her from crying so damn much.

"Well, get a baby nurse who can stay and live with you, then." Alex was moments from rolling his eyes at the suggestion, April's pinched expression taking priority. Anybody with a bit of common sense knew she wasn't that kind of mom. She wasn't that kind of _person_. They all made decent coin as surgeons. Just because some of them could actually afford to do it didn't mean they wanted to.

"I can't afford that."

"I'm loaded. I can." _Alright dude, just stop._ The minute the words were out of his mouth, Alex saw the wheels beginning to turn, the disgust clear in every inch of her expression.

"Well, I'm not. And we're not married." Getting to his feet, the peds surgeon sighed, gingery easing her forward. It was a gesture that earned him a confused expression but he politely ignored it. Realizing he wasn't planning to care, April wrapped one arm around her belly to keep it from further injury, a soft sigh quietly slipping out when he pulled her in against his chest, his own shaking hands becoming steady as they worked through her hair, a soft kiss pressed to her neck.

"Yes, I know." He may only be able to hear pieces of what he had to say but Jackson sounded almost disappointed. For the sake of karma, he let himself believe that it was because he finally realized he'd been a fucking idiot to want the divorce in the first place.

"You can't fix this, okay? I have to figure this out. I am a single mom." The last thing she ever wanted to be but here they were anyway.

"April, I'm her father. I'm right here." _And I'm the boyfriend listening to you try and save your own ass_.

"As long as Harriet is fed and sleeping and happy, you're doing your job. You don't need to, like, check in on me, okay? Or call unless Harriet needs me, okay?"

"So I'm just supposed to let you cry, then?" _Like you've done many times before?_ April laughed bitterly, making sure the sound stayed in her head.

"Yes! Goodnight, Jackson." The phone was barely out of her hands before she fell apart almost completely, the argument likely adding to its intensity. From there she brought almost all of her weight onto him, a task Alex took without any hesitation.

"Shh…" he murmured, leaving a line of fleeting kisses along her temple. If the sound of his voice wasn't always so relaxing, she would have punched him then. She didn't want to be quiet. She didn't have to. Her daughter was alone. This world was terrifying enough already. "It's not forever, April."

"It might as well be,' she sniffed. "I know he's her dad and they're going to bond and be super close and…I know that. But what about me? What if she needs me? What if she wants me and can't have me because I'm trapped in this stupid bed and can't _do_ anything? She's going to hate me. Not even a day old and she already has reason to hate me. Because I abandoned her. I left her alone. I'm the worst mother. No wonder he didn't want to stay married to me."

"That's a little much, don't you think?"

"No! It's how I feel."

"I know. But there's not much you can do about some of that right now, is there?" She shook her head rather pathetically. "If she needs you or wants to hear your voice, he'll call. Because right now, your main focus is getting up out of this bed so you can go do those things for her." Slowly she nodded, hating how easily he turned to logic. "She won't hate you, Blaze. She can't. You haven't even _done_ anything. You wouldn't be flooding this room if it didn't matter. And you know why it matters? Because you're a good mom. You're setting up to be one of the best. And Avery's just doing what he knows how to do. That's how he solves his problems. Doesn't mean you have to." Hearing him defend Jackson wasn't necessarily unheard of but it was rare enough. To hear it now, she couldn't help but smile at least a little bit. Maybe they could do this. If they all really, really tried, it could work.

"You're not going to prison," she whispered. Alex blinked. He hadn't even hinted at that yet. "You're not because you can't."

"Babe, I'm not sure that's how it works…"

"You made a mistake."

"Yeah, a really big one." _And I kind of just keep making them_.

"They need you. I…."

"I know," he murmured. "I'm trying, April. I swear I'm trying. But at the end of the day it's not about what I want."

"I know…" she sighed.

"But I'm not just going to let them take me either, okay? I mean, they probably will but—"

"Please don't…She-She needs you."

"For what? She's got a dad."

"Yes, and her dad can give a woman a pair of breasts with his hands tied behind his back. Jackson doesn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby."

"So he'll learn. I started wanting to go into plastics too. I didn't know a thing about babies. But Montgomery and Robbins, they taught me. I didn't go in there all knowing. You can't expect him to be either."

"I know, I know but I…I'd really like you to be here," she whispered. "Jackson's world is perfectly aligned. I…I don't know if I want that to be her whole life."

"It won't be. She has you for that," he smiled, his heart hurting with every counterargument he forced himself to make. Because there was a very good chance he wouldn't be allowed to do everything she was trying to ask him to. "Baby, I need you to be storing for me," he whispered nipping at her earlobe. "Because I'm not sure what's gonna happen. But even if I don't come back, Mer will gladly let you stay at the house. If that's what you want, you don't have to go anywhere."

"I…I can't possibly—"

"Well you can. There's no getting rid of Pierce. She's good at this whole kids thing. At least, that's the vibe I'm getting. She didn't grow up like Mer and I did."

"Is this you trying to underhand how _I_ was raised?" she asked realizing the connection he didn't really have to make.

"No?" He wasn't trying to anyway. "What I'm saying is, the help is there if you need it." April shook her head. As much as she rationalized being allowed to stay at the house, part of her didn't want to put that on anyone. A very large part. "Kepner, don't be a hardhead. They're more than happy to do that kind of thing. You'll still be able to do your mom thing. Everybody wins."

"But what about you? What happens to you?" she whispered, her voice catching once more.

"I don't know about me yet. But I do know things are different now. Way different than the last time I was in anybody's court room. And that's going to count for a lot." Despite her tears, April smiled nuzzling his shaven neck softly.

"I'll be praying for you," she mumbled.

"You already are." It wasn't so much a question as a statement confirmed with the slight bob of her head. "Good…."

"She'd be lucky to have a daddy like you," she whispered. Alex sighed, fighting every natural instinct to reject the notion. She already had one. A law-abiding one who was going to teach her to be good, not how to bend and break them.

"I'm working on it…." Any further reassurance was stopped by his pager as it sounded in his pocket. "Crap. Okay, I gotta go. Zach's BP just took a nose dive."

"Go, go, go," April chanted quietly. "I'll be here."

"Okay," he breathed, pecking her lips quickly on his way out into the hall. As he made a run for the kid's room, his fear began to rise when he noticed just how many people were trying to do damage control. _Shit…._ "Hey.I got your page."

"Took you long enough." Took him long enough? He just got the damn thing now.

"What happened?"

"His appendix ruptured. He's septic."

"All right, uh, gown and gloves," he sighed turning to the first available scrub nurse.

"Uh, no need. Dr. Karev will not be scrubbing in. You're not touching this boy. Babcock."

"Bailey, this is my—"

"Not anymore. You're off this case. Stapler." Letting out a heavy breath, he stepped back, watching them operate. _They're cleaning up your mess. Again._ As if he didn't feel bad enough already. "You can go update his mother. Assuming you won't screw that up, that is all you will doing tonight, Dr. Karev. Do I make myself clear?" _Crystal._

* * *

"Yeah, she just won't go back to sleep." April bit her lip quietly, at least eased by the fact that she wasn't upset. It wasn't that Jackson wasn't a good father, because he was. It was the ache that came with knowing that she should be there. As small as it was, knowing that Harriet probably sensed her absence made her feel at least a little bit better.

"Well, let-let me try," she whispered. "Can she Can she hear me? Is the sound okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, she can hear you." Starting at a slow hum she let lyrics flow out quietly, watching as her daughter's face relaxed. She was half way through when the little girl's eyes began to close, and with them, her own anxieties were quieted. At the very least she could do that. She could do that….

* * *

"Oh, I'm so glad they reached you. How's Zach?"

"He's still in surgery," Alex mumbled sure to keep his hands in his coat pockets. She didn't need to see how pissed at himself he was for missing the infection. Sure he'd gotten the page but it was an easily avoidable situation. If he had just pulled himself together long enough to…

"Why aren't you in there with him?"

"Reena…"

"No, I want you in there." The only doctor to follow his case for as long as it was there. Of course she wanted him in surgery.

"I'm not on Zach's case anymore. I made a mistake. I missed a sign that there was an infection."

"He's in there because of you?" she asked, not believing what she was hearing. This man was a doctor. A doctor. Someone she trusted with the health of her son and he missed an _infection_. God…

"I checked his labs before I left," he said quietly, as if any precautions taken were going to make up for the fact that her kid was in surgery. Again.

"You promised me you'd check him hourly. Not his labs him!"

"I know." _I know._ At this point she and Zach would just be two more people on a long freaking list.

"And what about his kidney?" she asked brushing a finger under her eyes.

"If the infection spreads, it could affect his transplant. They're doing everything they can. So the next few hours are crucial. I'm sorry." He almost hated adding it. The apology. Because at the end of the day it didn't change anything. DeLuca was still going to take him to court, Jo wasn't even looking at him like a person anymore, and now something like this. The words "I'm sorry" weren't going to change any of these outcomes.

"So, he could lose his kidney."

"Yes. Reena…"

"Would you please go?" As much as he wanted to be able to provide her some kind of comfort, everything he already tried wasn't doing anything. She was still pissed. He was still pissed. Both for the same reason. The only difference was that when he tried it looked like he was covering his own ass.

* * *

Meredith stood wide-eyed as she made her way to the scrub room, mask brought up over her face. Work was supposed to help keep his head together. It was supposed to distract him enough. _That shouldn't just work for me. Everybody uses surgery as an excuse._ Then again, Alex hadn't cut yet today. Cutting was the real blocker, the only one that ever did anything.

"Where's Alex? This is his patient." She wasn't supposed to be scrubbing in on his patients. Had he been suspended since Bailey heard about the hearing? It would make sense if she went there. Because Miranda Bailey was that kind of chief. Personally, she found the idea to be really stupid but clearly she was the only one. Webber let them cut. Hunt especially seemed to go with it too. Though it was probably more about Cristina's unique situation than anything else. Still, the idea was bogus.

"Not anymore. What is this I hear about you threatening DeLuca?"

"I didn't threaten DeLuca. I was trying to advise him," she whispered. Bailey didn't look like she was buying ti but in this moment she really didn't care. Because she had just advised him. The intern was the one to pack more in than was necessary.

"What, you were talking to him about Karev, and you know it isn't your place to discuss that with him." How else was she supposed to make the point that a few steps back didn't make him the devil? Sure DeLuca could charge him a ridiculous sum of money but even after all of that, what people saw outside of the situation was supposed to count for something. Right now it was a small something but at least it was there.

"Bailey, it's Alex."

"Yeah, I'm well aware. I've just spent six hours in the O.R. because of him. You are not Karev's guardian angel. You are blinded by this thing. Look, I know you want to help. But there's no need to go down with him." The general attending rolled her lip quietly. As much as she respected her former mentor, there were just some things about Alex that wasn't going to make sense to anybody. She didn't go around excusing what he did but she was going to make sure and highlight all the good he'd done for this hospital and his patients. Because he did. He'd done a lot of good. And even if she had to do it quietly, she was going to keep reminding him of those things. It wasn't the work of any guardian angel, as Bailey put it. It was the work of someone who chose to believe in him despite his crap.

"I'm his family. Who else is going to help him?"

"Did Karev tell you what happened with this patient tonight? You should ask him."

* * *

Running his fingers impatiently through his hair, Alex stood at the window of his girlfriend's hospital room. He wasn't even sure if going in was a good idea but standing outside of it seemed to be just as good. He was already doing such a crappy job in peds tonight that his one responsibility, laid up in maternity would probably feel better if he kept his mouth shut and didn't push the encouragement. Meeting her puffed up eyes, his lip twitched into a half smile, the light shake of her head already answering a question she probably saw in his eyes.

Against his own judgement, he found his feet taking him over the line, his expression going soft when he noticed how white her knuckles were as they knotted in the sheets. Meeting April at the side of her bed, he gently pulled her hands free, straightening out the wrinkles as best he could because he knew that was how she liked them.

"I know," he whispered noting the way she clutched her belly privately. For a minute he wondered which direction she wanted to take that but realized it wouldn't matter. Either way she was without her baby.

"I used to be able to take her everywhere…And now she's…she's with him and it's just…"

"April, that's not the worst thing in the world. We wanted him to step up, right? Well that's what he's doing. He's doing the dad thing so you can be here."

"I know…" she sighed. Noticing his street clothes, April gave him a gentle smile. "You made it through today." Alex nodded. He did. He wasn't sure how the hell he managed but he did. "Well then what are you doing here? You should go home. Go sleep in a bed. Your bed."

"I should go home. To do what? Build volcanoes. Get my butt kicked in Go Fish for the fourth time this week? I don't think so." The redhead smiled, always left a little bit warmer when he watched him with children.

"You should go spend some time with Meredith. Talk some things out. I know this mess in court is wearing on the two of you." The surgeon rolled his lip, not at all surprised to hear her make such a suggestion. What was still a bit of a shock was how easily she said the words. _Because she gets it_. "And even if you don't end up talking, there's a bed there. I just washed the sheets. They should still smell good." He couldn't help but roll his eyes at how much a homemaker she was. Shaking his head, he pulled up a chair. "Alone? Pretty sure that defeats the purpose of sleeping," he smirked, barely escaping the pillow that was set to nail him right in the face.

"You're an ass."

"Tell me something I don't know," he chuckled. "Grey's down in peds picking up after me again," he mumbled. "She won't be going home for a while. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to hear those two play tug of war over Riggs."

"What about Riggs?" Alex laughed, She was probably the only person who still didn't know. As much as he wanted to keep it that way, it was an innocent enough topic. One that highlighted just how petty the sisters were being over some guy.

"Basically, they're both tripping over their own feet over him. The thing is, neither of them knows they're in some stupid competition to win him over. I just know that they are 'cause they're both in my ear about it, asking me what they should do. I don't care. I'm not some chick. All that sounds fun about being home is the six pack I bought before the wedding I didn't even go to. And I can do that when you get out of here just the same."

"I'm still sorry about that…" she mumbled. Alex raised an eyebrow. He sure as hell wasn't. Delivering a baby beat the hell out of watching people be pathetic at weddings. "If you had just stayed, we probably wouldn't be in this mess." We? He was in this mess. April had nothing to do with this. And yet, it was how easily she included herself that made him feel even better about the decision he'd made.

"You didn't do anything. Going back was my choice. Finding them was my choice. Beating him senseless? That was also me. Don't be putting yourself in places you don't need to be," he mumbled throwing her hair lightly over her shoulder. "I did what I did and now it's my job to fix it, alright? You focus on fixing you. Deal?" April nodded inching herself over on the mattress, giving him enough room so he could slide in beside her.

"Can you just lay here with me? Please? I think that if I have to be here by myself I might start crying again…And I don't want to keep crying. It makes my head hurt." Kissing her temple he smiled against her skin, pulling April in close, his own hand going in search of a belly that was no longer there. Still, he forced himself to keep it there despite her subtle protests. Maybe if she felt that something was there, she'd finally be able to sleep.

"Shh…You've been freaking out so much your throat's all scratchy. Try and get some sleep. I know he kind of deserves it sometimes but maybe we could try _not_ tearing his head off tomorrow."

"And here I was thinking you wanted to be with me. Instead you're pushing for some kind of reunion," she laughed.

"What I'm pushing for is Harriet to have parents who try and get along. It's better for everybody. Even if sometimes that means I take myself out of the equation."

"Oh come on, you're the best part," she grinned. "But fine…I'll try and be civil with him and his yacht full of money."

"He has yacht? Geez…A hospital really wasn't enough for the guy…"

"No!" she laughed elbowing him.

* * *

Making his way through the hospital doors, Jackson was still getting used to the wait of a car seat at the end of his arm, though that was the smallest of adjustments when he realized that a swarm of nurses were probably going to follow his every move now that he had a baby in toe. Politely pushing past them, he waited for a moment outside of April's room, trying to prepare himself for being alone with her.

"I thought this little one got to go home." Hearing the older man's voice he silently thanked him for the impromptu delay. At least another minute to get his thoughts together so that they might come across as something she might actually consider.

"Uh, yeah, she did. We're just back visiting Mommy."

"May I?" Mumbling a quiet invitation, the little girl was carefully moved into his arms, Webber looking just as awestruck as he still felt about his daughter. "How's April? Well, she was up all night crying. You know, I took Harriet home, so she misses her. She's sad and angry, and she doesn't really want any help from me." Not that it surprised him any but things were different now. They shared a child. For April that counted for so much. If she would just swallow her pride long enough for the good of their daughter…

"Maybe she doesn't want to ask for help. I've been there. Needing to prove I could do something on my own, determined not to ask for help." Yeah well, this wasn't like that. Whatever his comparative was, this was different. It was different because even though he hated to almost always be reminded, they wouldn't be here if he hadn't served her the damn papers. She wouldn't be leaning on Alex instead of him if he'd just…

"Yeah, well, I can't make her lean on me. We're not married anymore." _She's got Karev now anyway_ he thought bitterly.

"Now, I thought you were your mother's son." Jackson cringed. As happily married as the two obviously were, the last thing he needed was to be compared to his mother. If he really thought about it, if they went back far enough, most of this was her doing. "You two have a beautiful baby girl together. Kepner's family. Be persistent. It's what you do for family." Whatever they were, she couldn't even look him in the eye. Moving his gaze over to the window, he was glad to see that at some point she'd found relaxation. Based on the way her body set and the look on her face, Alex probably had something to do with it. He was nowhere to be found, probably on rounds but he'd done something to her. _Dammit Karev…_

* * *

"She shouldn't have taken that case from you." Alex hung tiredly over the catwalk barrier having had enough of his one man missile launch. When was she just going to stop and realize that he actually _didn't'_ have it all together? That yeah he'd been annoyed that he was taken off the case but it was actually the right call. Zach deserved his best and right now he couldn't give anybody that. It was one thing to stand behind him but another thing entirely when she went ahead and made excuses for him.

"I messed up big time, Mer."

"Well, we all mess up. I mean, why is everyone around here acting like they've never made a mistake before?" _Because we're not interns anymore. We're grownups. We've got kids now, that's why._

"Stop. I torched a kid's kidney, and he could lose it because I screwed up. And I keep screwing up. Just open your eyes. You're backing the wrong damn horse." No, she was backing the right one in her eyes. And they were very, very open. Alex was a good doctor. A great doctor. Dare she say one of the better ones this hospital had. His patients practically worshipped him. They were all under the age of twenty but whatever. He didn't just suddenly have their respect because of what he did. He earned it. He earned it on a solid reputation as a doctor and as a person.

"Dr. Grey. The Chief wants you to scrub in on a surgery." Alex turned to Ben, a solid scowl on his face. He wasn't even really mad at the guy. Not anymore. What bugged him was realizing the resident basically carried his ass across the finish line. If that didn't scream crappy doctor…

"Well, I have lap chole scheduled, so—"

"She asked for you." _So they can bitch about me over ten blades and blood?_ he thought. "Uh, the patient has a renal artery thrombosis post—"

"Who's the patient, Warren?" When he remained absolutely silent, Alex could feel all his insides begin to catch fire, and not in a way he liked. _Goddammit!_ "Zach Thompson," he said flatly.

"There's no blood flowing to his kidney. It failed. We have to remove it." _'Don't make me give my kidney back'_. The little boy's words echoing in his head only added to the already shitty feeling. _You had one job, Karev. One job._

"Dr. Grey, we should go."

* * *

Seated next to Bailey, Meredith slipped quietly into her second cover, well aware of the other doctor's disdain. As ready as she was to send some kind of gun blazing, despite being warned not to by both her boss and her friend, she didn't have the extra energy.

"You asked for me, Dr. Grey?"

"Yes, have you ever scrubbed in on a kidney transplant removal?" She was also not blind to the look of absolute shock to come across her face when she offered the invitation. If anybody asked, it was nothing more than the perfect teaching opportunity. Or maybe this was her attempt to "rise above" as Bailey so eloquently put it. Whatever the reason, DeLuca had to be in that surgery. "It's a yes or no, DeLuca."

"No. No, I haven't," he admitted trying not to sound as flustered as he felt.

"Well, booty up fast. We're going in." After he disappeared, her eyes found Miranda's once more.

"What are you doing?" she whispered.

"I'm teaching, Dr. Bailey. Today I am teaching. Because today, we are all about medicine."

"Mhm…." She hummed, finding the sudden change of heart hard to believe.

* * *

"Where's Dr. Alex? I want Dr. Alex." _A lot of people want Dr. Alex. For a lot of different reasons_ she thought to herself.

"Oh, Zach, I'm Dr. Grey. Dr. Alex can't be here. But I know he'd want me to tell you how brave you've been."

"But why isn't he here?" Hearing the last of the kid's question, he sighed, keeping his distance despite wanting to actually be exactly where Meredith was standing along his bed.

"Now, Karev,—" He knew better than to think things were changing but at least she was back to treating him like a person. Not exactly wrapping him in blankets or whatever but the belt was gone. At least for the moment.

"Does he –"

"…you're still off this case."

"Does he know about his kidney?"

"His mother wanted us to wait until after." Good. That was good. Otherwise the kid might refuse. Not that he could blame him.

"Alright, can I see him for a minute? Just for one minute, please." Quietly slipping in behind them, he smiled down at him, despite the war spinning circles in his own head. _I'm sorry, kid. Really freaking sorry._

"Dr. Alex, are you coming with me?" If he had been a better doctor, Zach wouldn't be going in there at all. The right choice, even though it stung more than a little.

"Oh, dude, I got to stay out here."

"Are you gonna sit with my mom? She's scared." If Reena even let him, yeah he might go sit with her. At least then he'd be useful to somebody. You couldn't mess anything up when you just sat with somebody, tried to make them feel better. He knew that. April's moods were living proof of that.

"Are you scared?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, it's a piece of cake. What do we always say?"

"Nothing's as bad as broccoli."

"Nothing's as bad as broccoli."

"I'll be here when you get out, okay?"

"Okay, let's go." Making his way into the waiting room, he shuffled impatiently when he found the little boy's mother, unsure about how he was supposed to approach her after what he'd confessed. He chose to settle on the fact that even though it might look like it, this wasn't him making up for his mistakes. This wasn't even for her. This was for Zach, a nine year old kid who despite his crappy organs was always looking out for his mom.

"Zach wanted me to check on you." Those were the only words to ever float between them for the rest of his surgery, the woman reluctantly opening up the seat beside her where he sat in absolute silence.

* * *

It hardly mattered that she'd been doing this all day. When the time had come for them to leave, her heart still tore. Not as much as it did the first day but enough to know that it hurt. There was also the fact that Jackson continued to periodically look over at her. The first few times she deduced that he was just watching her with the baby. After a while, she knew it was because wheels were turning in his head. They may no longer be married but April still knew him well enough. And because of that she heard the question before he even spoke it, but wasn't ready to be the one to send them into another argument.

"I guess it's time for you to get going…What?"

"I think you and Harriet should come live with me when you get out of here. Just until you've recovered." A suggestion with his heart in the right place but an offer had already been made. One that made more sense. When they weren't under the same roof, even if it wasn't permanent, there would be less chance for a fight to break out. And it wasn't like she didn't have anywhere to go if she didn't take it.

"No."

"April, come on, you need help." Yes. As much as it sucked to admit, she was coming around to the idea. That didn't mean that Jackson had to be the one to give it.

"I know that," she mumbled.

"Good, so then why won't you accept it from me?"

"Because it's from you. And more than that, I'm seeing someone too, remember? Someone whose home I live in. It wouldn't make sense for me to just pack up and leave because we have a baby."

"Well, of course it does! The game has changed, April. We have a baby now. You and me."

"Yes. A beautiful little girl I will be thanking you for, for the rest of my life. But _my_ game is different now too. I realize he makes you uncomfortable. I'm not blind to what he's done, or the fact that you don't like him in general. But what is it, Jackson? What is it really? Because if you're excuse is still that he 'took advantage of me' eons ago, that's an old one. One that was never even true to begin with. You don't know what happened in that room. You don't know why. And you have no idea what it is he would have said to me if you hadn't jumped him in Meredith's living room."

"April…."

"It's because that means I'm not yours anymore, right? It's because even though you don't want me, no one else can have me." Jackson stood slack-jawed, the shock clear as day on his face. "It totally is. You two were so close…"

"Karev and I weren't close. Ever." April shook her head. "He was there. He was the only other guy in our class, that's it."

"It doesn't matter," she whispered. "I saw the two of you the other day. I saw you talking the day she was born. You were civil. You were actually friends. You were actually man enough to admit that Alex is playing just as important a role as you are."

"April, she's _my_ daughter."

"Yes. And also mine. And whether you want to admit it or not, Alex doesn't make you uncomfortable because he's Alex—"

"The man punched a guy to smithereens, April. How can you in good conscience even allow that to—"

"Do not for a second think that I'm not aware of what he did to DeLuca. Just because I take the time to understand why something happened, doesn't mean I'm over here celebrating it. I am afraid, Jackson. I'm afraid of people who _don't_ have reasons for doing the things they do. I'm afraid of those who show no guilt or remorse for what they've done. I'm afraid of what prison will do to him if in fact that's where he goes. Because it will change him. It will change him into someone I no longer recognize. If he spends enough time there, he will be worse off than Owen. And looking at that man's face is already painful enough. But he's finally happy. Since losing Cristina he is finally really, genuinely happy…"

"What does any of this have to do with Hunt?"

"If I were to tell you, I would like him to be Harriet's godfather, what would you say?"

"Well, what is there to say? I don't have anything against the guy."

"Exactly. He's as close to my own father as I have out here. And despite his time in war, despite his trauma, he is harmless. There's also the fact that he would never sleep with me." At the last comment, Avery grimaced. "If they take him to prison, Jackson…He won't be the same. So regardless of how stupid you think all of this might be, I'm going to continue to pray for good outcomes. Because he deserves them. He deserves better than the way you've been treating him." The plastic surgeon couldn't help feeling slapped in the face. Didn't she understand that all he's ever been trying to do is protect her, want what is best for her? "He makes me feel safe, Jackson. After you I never thought I would be able to say that again. Don't I deserve that? To feel safe? Protected? I know you can't stand that it's not you doing the protecting anymore. But that is a choice that _you_ made. Please don't let me suffer for trying to be happy. Stop making him out to be the most terrible person for wanting to be the one to do that."

"April, he's a felon….How can you—"

"Not yet," she reminded him through gritted teeth. "Not yet. Don't be putting the cart before the horse. Alex Karev is a good man. He as an amazing doctor. And I have decided that he is worthy of being a part of her life, if he so chooses. I will not force it on him but I won't be taking it away from him either. So thank you but no thank you. I'll be staying in the woods with Grey. I'll have help there. And you're more than welcome to come see her. But I will not be living with you. We tried that once already."

"Come on…We don't even know if…What if they do decide to—?"

"I like where I am, Jackson. Growing up my home was a revolving door of people. Meredith still believes in that. I need boundaries. And I can take care of her."

"She sold that house…After Shepherd died she couldn't be there anymore." _Thank you for pointing out the evidence yourself…_

"It's the same idea. She's still filling that house with so many people. Because that's what it's for. A home for those of us who don't have one."

"You have a home…."

"Yes I do. It just happens that it's no longer with you. And they will help me. This way, I can take care of my own daughter."

"Of course you can, and you will. I know that we need boundaries. I know that I'm not your husband. I also know that I am Harriet's father. She needs her mother, and her mother needs help. "

"Which I am going to be getting. Her father isn't banned from the house. He just has to make an effort. As much you would like me to, I'm not letting you use her as a way to feel better about yourself."

"That's not…"

"It is," she snapped. "And the minute you realize that, the better you're going to feel."

* * *

"Zach is stable. We removed a large blood clot from the artery, and the kidney pinked up again." Hearing those words strung together, Alex let out a breath that took almost all of the pressure of his strained muscles. They managed to save the kidney. He hadn't completely fucked it up. Life; 2 Alex 1.5. Considering where he was ten minutes ago, not a bad score.

"Thank you."

"You were the big surprise. You were most improved. The person that beat up DeLuca is someone I thought you left behind years ago."

"Me too,' he mumbled trying to ignore the fact that she was trying to put the freaking blanket over him again. Unlike other times, he actually found himself kind of letting her.

"I can't in good conscience let you perform surgery in this hospital right now." After a day like to today, he would probably be staying home. She wouldn't even need to officially suspend him. He would gladly suspend himself. "You're a good doctor! You're compassionate. And you're good with people. You're exactly what we need right now in the clinic. A little mole told me they're short-staffed."

"The Denny Duquette Clinic?" If he wasn't already so deep in it, he would've have laughed. He didn't work the clinic. He was a surgeon. The clinic was all about band aids and tampons. Nice and safe for right now. Boring but safe.

"Unless you want me to fire you." _Nah, going to prison will probably solve all of that headache for you_. "Alright, then. You start tomorrow." Awesome.

"Thanks."

* * *

During one of his periodic April checks, he found her more tense than usual. Her face was much tighter, her every muscle clearly a tight wire in her arm. Even though he wanted to, he knew better than to ask. If he needed to know she would just come out and say it. Instead, he pulled up a chair and let out a breath while he smoothed her sheets.

"Bailey was right. My head's not in the game." The redhead frowned. As much as they all knew that, it was still hard for him to admit real failure.

"So get it in the game," she mumbled squeezing his hand softly. He had to smile at how simple the equation sounded. He wished it was that easy. God did he wish…

"I'm gonna be working in the clinic for a while."

"That's good. Really good. We don't have enough good doctors down there," she said softly. He would be rolling his eyes if the chief hadn't said the exact same thing. "It'll give you a chance to slow down. Take a minute."

"A lot of minutes," he muttered.

"Alex, you work hard. Very hard."

"We all work hard, April. I'm nothing special in that way." She nodded, willing to agree with him. And she would gladly leave it at that, if not for the fact that he gave more than he had to, to each and every one of them. A detail that only the people around him ever saw. Because he was too busy being wonderful. "So until I can figure out how to play to win….I'll be doing band aids and tampons for a while."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's not like I didn't do it to myself."

"Doesn't mean I can't be sorry," she repeated.

"Yeah…I'm sorry too. Really sorry…You expected good, and I gave you this…"

"I can handle this," she smiled pecking his jaw.

"No you can't," he shot back gently.

"I have help…" _Yeah…You have help._


End file.
